* Posts by The H-J Man

17 publicly visible posts • joined 12 Oct 2020

Tech support world record? 8.5 seconds from seeing to fixing

The H-J Man

My quickest ever didn’t even get as far as getting it logged. The user walked into it services and said “my computer doesn’t, turn on. I would have called you but as we are in the middle of a power, oh yes, that’s why” and walked out.

Techie took five minutes to fix problem Adobe and Microsoft couldn't solve in two weeks

The H-J Man

Quickest ever fix

The Client (otherwise known as very bright world leader professor at some university) turned up in person at the it help desk and said “my computer won’t boot. I would have called but as we have no power the phones don’t work”. I was about to reply when the penny dropped.

UK Surface owners can now take misbehaving laptops to Currys

The H-J Man

You might as well throw a broken surface tab away as take it to Currys.

A few years ago, I took a broken mini hifi back for repair to currys, I placed a bit of selotape over a screw they would have needed to remove to repair, 6 weeks later i get a phone call to say its been repaired and back in the shop. I collected it and opened the box and surprise suprise, the bit of tape was still there. I do remember saying to the manager how was it repaired when it wasnt even opened. He just threatened to have me removed from the shop.

Apple unveils M4 chip with neural engine capable of 38 TOPS, and some other kit

The H-J Man

Yawn

Or to put it another way. Computer company launch updates to devices which will no doubt have the sheep in the apple shops placing their orders.

Years ago, the ceo 10 mins after a apple event be ordering a new ipad because the latest features would be ideal for his role blah blah etc etc. Cutting a long story short he used it for email and nothing else but you know shinny shinny looks good

Having slammed brakes on hiring, Google says it no longer needs quite so many recruiters

The H-J Man

Having worked for an American company in America, I dont see anybody missing them. They do seem to employ of HR strategy of why employ just one person when you can employ 8

Lightning struck: Apple switches to USB-C for iPhone 15 lineup

The H-J Man

My iphone 3GS still works fine thank you, it makes and receives phone calls and allows me to send and receive text messages. Excatly what i want from a phone. I dont need a watch to tell me im having a heart attack, i think i might know somehow.

Every week i get calls from some phone network offering me some deal with the latest phone and its features which i dont want or need. Yes I know i cant get the latest version of some app but as I said calls and texts work fine.

Autonomy founder Mike Lynch flown to US for HPE fraud trial

The H-J Man

You would think that hp would check the accounts/company assets themselfes beforehand. It’s called due deligence

When we asked how you crashed the system we wanted an explanation not a demonstration

The H-J Man

Before working in IT i worked in a laboratory where we had the only 2 testing machines for a particular test required on a very unique product. One of the machines was being serviced by a PFY and mangaed to break it when he stuck a screwdriver in it. bearing in mind that the only other machine like it stood 2 feet away you can iumagine our sheer horror when the PFY's supervisor asked him to demostrate what he had done.

Arm CPU ran on electricity generated by algae for over six months

The H-J Man

I remember back in the day reading that it was possible to power an ARM3 from the wasted heat of a Pentimum 100.

We can bend the laws of physics for your super-yacht, but we can't break them

The H-J Man

Re: ""Don't you know who I am?"

a friend was working as a bouncer at a local night club when somebody tried to jump the que. He got the "Don't you know who I am?". My mate got his notebook out and this person got ready to give him his autograph when my mate said. "No I dont, maybe you would like to add your name to the list of complete dickheads that I have met"

Your software doesn't work when my PC is in 'O' mode

The H-J Man

Unfortualetly not that an uncommon situation on a Broadband helpdesk.

Once asked a customer what version of Windows they had, there reply was ColdSeal (For those who dont remember, they had annoying adverts on the radio)

Was once asked will it be us (The ISP) who will be calling the Police as there computer had performed an illegal operation.

The funniest one was the customer who called us to complain that we had changed there webased email to a soft porn site (They used hotmail - I'll leave that one for you to work out)

Buying a USB adapter: Pennies. Knowing where to stick it: Priceless

The H-J Man

Re: As an ex

My little independant computer shop used to have a board outside thst said "queue here for free support for PCs brought at Dixons/Currys/Calculus". Whats frightening was the amouint of people who did. Whats even more frightening was the fact they thought they offered such a service.

I was in the shop once when someone had brought back a faulty PC they had brought in Box Shifter PLC and expected them to replace it FOC because Box Shifter PLC didnt want to know and the abuse given when he was told to take it back to them. I remember saying "Well thats what you get when you go there"

To err is human. To really screw things up requires a wayward screwdriver

The H-J Man

Reminds me of when I was on hardware installation detail in a QC lab in a company involved in making Lubricant (For cars) installing a PC when a YTS engineer went was fixing a piece of lab ewuipment and somehow inserted the screwdriver into the machine and it went bang. His supervisor came over and asked the guy. "Show me on this machine exactly what you did". Bearing in mind that the 2 machines in the lab where the only two in existance somebody was best not happy.

In the '80s, satellite comms showed promise – soon it'll be a viable means to punt internet services at anyone anywhere

The H-J Man

Re: Can't wait...

Yep, Spent 9 months after graduating dealing with people like that. The ISPs have to make it as simple as possible hence why you have the options you have and nothing like what you want. Even then there are people who struggle, which to be fair can be either parties fault. We ahave all had to deal with Virgin Media. Im sure you have heard all the stories before.

Yes, there's nothing quite like braving the M4 into London on the eve of a bank holiday just to eject a non-bootable floppy

The H-J Man

When I worked on a helpdesk for a company that supplied robotics for a Dark Warehousing operation.

Me: Hello, Company X helpdesk, How can I help

Customer: Your ****ing robot has stopped working again

Me: OK, Try removing the poster advertising the departmental football match off the wall again so that the robot can read the bar code and know where it is please.

Customer: There is no poster on the wall, Staff are told not to put them up.

Me: OK, Based on previous calls from your company, please remove the poster advertising the departmental football match off the wall again so that the robot can read the bar code and know where it is please.

Customer: Your robots are ****ing cr** they are always breaking down.

Me: Looking at the previous logs from your company, this is a common problem and the despatched engineer simply removes the poster.

Customer: (lots of ***** and ****)

Me: Well, I can dispatch a enginner and if it is found to be a user fault, you will be charged accorsding

Customer: Lots more *****s and ****s

Engineer duly dispatched and next day the first task was to issue an invoice for "Removal of user generated media preventing robot to operate in an efficient and effective way"- translation - The field maintenance guy walked into the warehouse, went straight to the wall and removed poster advertising football match of wall, to which the robot started up and carried on.

Did I or did I not ask you to double-check that the socket was on? Now I've driven 15 miles, what have we found?

The H-J Man

Used to work 1st/2nd line support for a company that made automatic warehouse systems where robots would go round the warehouse knowing where they were by reading a barcode or matrix of some sort. Middle of the night calls were along the vain of "You F**king robots broken down again". For which the reply would be "Take the poster advertising the football match off the wall". But would often still have to visit said company to walk up to wall and take poster down and suprise suprise the robot burst into life and a bill for a vast amount would be generated.

Remember the days when signs were signs and operating systems didn't need constant patching?

The H-J Man

Re: Why Windows?

Brain the size of a planet and all you want me to do is display signs..Call that job satisfasction