This is just what I remember. I have notes somewhere...
OVER THE PHONE
==============
"Ma'am, can you press the power button for me?"
"I don't have a power button..."
* * *
"Sir, I need you to right-click My Computer."
"My right, or yours?"
* * *
"I think I'm spelling my username wrong."
"Nah, maybe you need to change your password, how are you spelling your last name?"
She was spelling it wrong.
* * *
"Sir, what seems to be the problem?"
"You're stealing RAM out of my computer!"
"How am I doing that, sir?"
"Over the Internet!"
* * *
"You broke my monitor!"
"Uh, you never brought us the monitor."
"No, but it worked before I brought you my PC and now it doesn't turn on."
The computer/monitor were won in a work raffle and had to be 5 years old.
* * *
"My login doesn't work."
"How are you spelling your username?" Pause. "Uh huh, that's not your last name."
"I know, I just got married."
"Did you tell HR?"
"Uh..."
* * *
With Dell Tech Support: "There's a monitor at a branch office in Oklahoma that doesn't work and I need it replaced under warranty. I've already had the user swap it with a couple other monitors just to check if it was a computer problem. It's not."
"Okay, so I need you to swap that monitor with another one for testing."
"I already did that."
"We need to do it over the phone."
"I just spent an hour with them doing this. It's a CRT not and LCD."
"I need to log that we did this over the phone."
"It's in Oklahoma, I'm in Massachusetts."
"Sir, please, I cannot help you unless--"
"Unless I get my fat ass on a plane and fly to f'ing Oklahoma?"
"Sir, there's no need to shout..."
* * *
"No one in New York state can get any work done!"
"Why not, Jeremy?"
"Well, Tisha can't get email... From one person..."
* * *
"My email doesn't work."
"Why not, Jeremy?"
"I don't know it just gives me errors."
"What are the errors, is your laptop on?"
"No, I'm in my car on the interstate."
IN PERSON
=========
"My keboard doesn't work."
"Did you spill anything on it?"
"Of course not."
"Then why is water spilling out of it?"
* * *
Replaced a mouse for an older woman, went from a ball mouse to a laser mouse. She held it against the screen and moved it around.
* * *
"This computer doesn't play my game."
"What game is that?"
"Wing Commander IV."
After some research. "The game company can't even play that game. They've stopped supporting it."
"So it's a problem with the computer you sold me?"
* * *
"My computer's frozen."
I venture down and see her keyboard works and Windows responds nicely. Her mouse didn't work and somehow the screwed in serial mouse had come unhooked.
* * *
You can tell how many cats someone has by the hairballs in their PC fans.
* * *
"What's the problem, ma'am?"
"Microsoft said that I needed to reload my PC to get rid of AOL and it would take 6 hours and $250."
I unloaded AOL in ten minutes. Cost her $45.
Biting the hand that feeds IT
