Posts by David Sidebotham

PARIS hacked Canon test (almost) runs on rails

We hope you enjoyed your Spanish holiday..

.. up above the snow line to, but frankly it was to much like a bad home movie. I think you could have done better with Streetview.

Neil Armstrong slams 'devastating' Constellation cancellation

Privateers?

I spent 40 years before the mast and never got into space. Got really good at making a fast run up behind our cove, a quick turn, a shot across the bows, close up, then board, take all the gold and run for it. Har har! 'twas a good life if a short one for some.

The trouble with space is there is no Gold, so why should anyone want to go there? Best place is just off the east coast of Africa if you want to know.

Fear 2012? Bunker hustler has you covered

Funny thing..

I know where there is one just the same for sale. It would take 200 people, 300 at a push or one oligarch and retinue. It also has an associated mansion and other accommodation, a helicopter landing pad, football pitch etc and is only 3 miles from the centre of London. Oh yes, it also has an excellent view over Wembley stadium. Just the job for you know who when the balloon goes up.

For a change this is not a joke and is genuinely on offer for a few pennies.

iPod implicated in US attack sub prang

$84.6m?

Now if that had been one of ours, the bill would have been £250m

Microsoft's web privacy push: 'We're the anti-Google'

Anti-Google as in Anti-Christ?

Tsne! Tsne! Tsne!

Look for 666 tattooed somewhere.

Nuclear synthi-jetfuel plants wanted for US Afghan bases

What's wrong with lighting your farts?

Absolutely nothing, 'cept if they're nuclear.

Is that a mushroom cloud I see?

Wide-eyed kiddies in Scarface school play shocker

That's nothing!

Some 12 years ago our local school did Chicago, and very well too. Clearly they took the everyday story of murder, illegal substance abuse, corruption and licentious behaviour in their stride. Just normal kids.

Loch Ness Stig blurred into oblivion

Sorry it's not good enough

Take a look at where Stig allegedly stands. He obviously arrived by car, so, in the lay-by opposite what do we find, one Astra and one Honda Civic. Is this Stig? I don't think so, just Scottish lookalike. What a disappointment.

Blunkett: 'The dog howls when I whip out my ID card!'

Partial politics

"Vigilance is critical, a free press is critical, and a vibrant democracy is essential" For anyone who noted the change in emphasis - a "vibrant democracy" has been downgraded. Would this account for the Government performance for the last 5 years?

'The LHC will implode the Moon or PUT OUT THE SUN'

Centimeters?

What sort of scientist does not understand scientific units?

Put your answer on the back of a £20 note and send to ....

Are West Bromwich Borg pliers actually side cutters?

Needle nose nerd?

Pliers usually have a bypass slot on each side that can be used as wire cutters (if you are feeing brave). The West Brom Borg does not. Ergo they are side cutters.

Incidentally, and we can start a new game here if you like, (or bragging rights if you wish), but I find that my house is in shot in no less than 26 camera locations on Street View. So stop watching me. Now!

'Health and safety killjoys' kill cheese-rolling race

Where is the IT angle in this...

... unless it is the barcode on the cheese?

'Phantom Eye' hydrogen strato-spy drone starts building

"Phantom workshop" ?

That's a phantom aircraft you have got there mate.

Nazi-doodlebug-powered father of all paintball guns patented

Heavy crew-served doodlebug pulse bomb splatter weaponry...!!!

AAAARRGGH!! Overkill

DARPA asks you to cram petaflops super into single rack

Load lugger

Never mind the weight of the 57kW generator. How heavy is this box then? 1.2 cubic meters with cooling, with the power supplies, there is hardly any room left for the processors, and it is military rugged, practically solid metal, the all up weight is well north of 2000kg.

Helicopter? Hell yes, a bloody big one.

For sale: One des res nuclear bunker

Time capsule

No. No. This is about the interior decoration.

Wow I wish my house would look that good after 30 years out of use and no heating!

No use looking for my coat. I've got it on and the helmet too.

New robot aircraft eliminates need for fleshy slaves

40 hours mission time?

If I can remember back to when I used to fly these things, a plane that size would use about 1kg of fuel an hour. So that would be 40 kg fuel per mission. Try making a vertical take-off now.

B*g*er cant even lift it never mind throw it!

Archaeologists nail Bosworth Field

My kingdom for a horse(power)?

Did anyone spot that this new site is just a stones throw (or an arrow flight) from the MIRA test track. Its nearer than the visitors centre anyway.

Surely Richard could have called for a Landrover.

X2 triplex multicopter prototype suffers gearbox snag

Whiz bang?

Good job the X2 rotors are super rigid, the forward going rotor bending upward the trailing rotor staying strait. What happens when you hit turbulence - bang, goodnight? Not only that I really do not fancy relying on a single engine and that complex gearbox. On the other hand the V22 has taken 30 years to get into service, no one said it was easy.

Quantum superclock will be accurate past end of life on Earth

Accurate?

Of course this accurate clock is nonsense it is just a bragging rights. In truth the earth clock is not accurate, it is slowed by tidal forces. 700m years ago the day was only 17hours long (or correctly the hour was 17/24 of what it is now). In the future the earth will become tide locked first with the moon then eventually with the sun. Just imagine an 8760hour year. There will be no living with that. So what is the point of an accurate clock ?

All this is supposed to happen a long time in the future. But is it? If we take energy out of the earth by using tidal generation then it will be sooner and it is not reversible. We have no idea of the impact of further slowing of rotation. I think it will make global warming seem like a walk in the park.

Scared? You should be and it is coming to an ocean or sea near you.

Tories moot breaking up BT Openreach monopoly

It is time to unshackle BT

The reason BT cannot provide the service speed we all seem to want (never mind we do not actually need it) is they have been restricted by Ofcom. It is time to unleash the beast. Why bother with competition and dropping prices as it will all sort itself out in the end.

Israelis develop Nazi-doodlebug sonic deathwave cannon

if it's potentially lethal in 10 metres..

I have been 100m away from the tailpipe of a Vulcan at take off. I have also been 5m off the runway edge with a Tornado flight in full reheat and they are both really loud.

We used to have model aircraft with pulse jet engines fuelled with petrol or gas (gas engines are easier to start). However it does not matter where you stand because two things are quite clear when they are going, there is a lot of thrust and THEY ARE VERY LOUD. It does not matter where you stand if you are within 10m you want to move away quickly. In comparison to an aircraft, and for something which is the size of an RPG luncher, the thought of using one as a weapon scares the shit out of me.

Survey outs Britain as nation of tech twits

Time to boldly go

Lets face it the only tech terms in general use come from Star Trek or Dr Who. No one knows all the jargon. Yet most people will have a passing knowledge of a sonic screwdriver. How many techies have a clue what a MBO is or DREEAM (apart from wet ones). It all depends on your field. Jargon is what jargon makers make it and the devil take the hindmost.

Swedish Weight Watchers bring down the house

funny with whats the relevance

They were all overweight techie geeks I suppose.

Boeing 787 Dreamliner set for first flight

But do you actually want to fly in one?

Anyone who watched the news footage will have seen how much the wing bends, did everything but flap, and that in an unloaded aircraft. We know that the delay in the prototype flight was because the wing had to be stiffened at the root. OK the deflection of a plastic wing is going to be more than a metal wing, but so much? It looks unstable.

Won't get me in one, I'd rather fly by pig.

Soot warming 'maybe bigger than greenhouse gases' - NASA

It isn't just diesels

Just look at the smoke coming out of a jumbo etc.

El Reg's PARIS programme attracts high-flying sponsor

Champion?

Would that be Champion the Wonder Horse?

Sorry, us baby boomers really should keep out of the way.

National space agency for Blighty, says Drayson

What do you mean "Nothing will change" ?

Of course it will. The creation of a government Department is always the precursor to the demise of the industry.

German electropulse energy drill bitchslaps lasers

Elementry?

So it is seven times faster. 1.4 seconds divided by 200mseconds. That would be about right.

Tautology dear chap. Tautology.

NHS IT spree faces cutbacks

Is it is always worth wasting money?

..."the NHS had a quite expensive IT system that, frankly, isn't essential to the frontline. It's something that I think we don't need to go ahead with just now. But I will be setting out a clear direction of travel because it's important that we do that."

Well tell us something we don't know. Is that Newspeak for "We just wasted £12bn. So do we care" ?

'Doctor Dark Energy': The Ultimate LHC eccentric?

Will it, perhaps, destroy the world...

I should bloody hope so. It cost enough.

NASA declares Ares I-X test a success

Re: lost 80 seconds of data...

So...Aliens use basic Latin script then?

Taliban attack Brit troops with explosive donkey

On the other hand...

...we only blow up goats.

Replace Bulldog gridiron mascot with robot, PETA demands

"genetic freaks and shouldn't be allowed to breed...."

... and then let them play American football.

Note this is American football and not to be confused with football which the Americans call soccer. Now soccer is what they play in Liverpool on a Saturday night when they tumble out of the pubs and before they all go to the hospital; usually after a game of "are you looking at me?"

Google flirts with new-look home page

Have you tried saying Google Wave

I mean: Woogle Gave, Whoogle Gave, Doogle Have, Boogle Lave.... I must start drinking a bit more. This tongue only works with proper lubrication.

VTOL gyro-copter flying car mates with killer robot

1000lb of payload eh?

That's just about sufficient for your average American male.

Can the UK have its identity strategy back, Mr President?

Let's be honest here

The only reason we do not have ID cards now is cost. The government will not stump up. However most, if not all of us, already have ID of one kind or another: driving licence, bank card, credit card. For a low cost solution all the government need do is insist that a photograph and biometric coding are inserted in the cards. It will help the banks beat fraud.

Estonia has already gone this way (yes I know, not the obvious choice for tech savy but they did give us Skype). They use pin code generators for use with the cards and the cards are used for everything including on-line voting. Fraud is a fraction of the UK level.

Only the guilty have anything to fear. Count me in.

El Reg launches 'Comment of the Week'

What have camel balls got to do with IT?

Come on! When has El Reg EVER had anything to do with IT? It's just a geek mag.

El Reg to launch space paper plane

It might have escaped your notice but....

..model aircraft are not made of balsa wood any more, nor are RAF and USAF spy/attack aircraft come to that; you are as likely to find carbon fibre, titanium and kevlar.

So buck up your ideal lads this is a real techno challenge. All we need is the money. Let me see now, I wonder, where did I put those Lottery Fund application forms.

Windfarm Britain means (very) expensive electricity

Cut the crap

All energy is expensive. It is just that the final bill for carbon based energy has not yet arrived. we are told it will be hear in a few years. Just enough time to build a few wind turbines and reduce our energy demand.

We are getting confused between the price and cost of energy. It is now time to increase the price of carbon based energy so that the price of developing wind power is reasonable if not favourable. I would suggest a tax of 50p per kg of carbon based fuel. This will fix the balance in sustainability and will also provide some £80bn per year to the exchequer. It will also benefit development of nuclear power and waste to energy schemes which are only marginal at present.

Of course there will be issues with manufacturing import and export trading and our higher cost but this can be resolved by carbon rebates, which could be beneficial to our manufacturers in the long term.

It is time to look forwards and fix the situation. Stop clinging to the past of low energy prices. Stop resisting change. As Bob Dylan prophesied "The times are a changin" .

Great Panjandrum menaces North Devon

Nevil Shute Ace. Never mind the Panjandrum.

I would not dis Nevil if I were you. Apart from his somewhat premature fondness for rocket power he is unique and don't forget the Panjandrum was conceived by Barnes Wallis (which just shows that even the best of us has bad moments).

There was a whole series of books and some made it into film, A Town like Alice and No Highway, and it is not easy to forget his post apocalypse On the Beach.

We are now trying to get a blue plaque for the house he lived in during WWII up to his emigration to Australia and where he wrote A Town like Alice and No Highway.

It is true that no one else can claim to be a pioneering engineer and a novelist of note, he was also a pretty good prophet; in No Highway he forecast fatigue failure in aircraft years before the Comet 1 crash, when he emigrated to Australia he declared that the reason for his leaving was that the UK was “going to the dogs”. As we all know we have now arrived.

You can find out more from www.nevilshute.org/.

Half Life 2 used for firefight fire drill

Real virtualisation

What would be missing is the hoards of screaming students (kids as we used to call them); of course one could always "blast em" on the way out.

Ivan O'Toole? That's nothing, snorts Hugh Jass

This ain't funny

Having lived with this type of problem for many years I can say that once you get over youthful shyness having a funny name can be an advantage.

However any parent with an odd name should think carefully about the selection of a first name, for example I should hate to be named Richard and I think that O'Toole would also have the same problem with Dick. I also heard about a woman named Edna Box (head in box), sometimes these things are not obvious.

You also have to be careful with associations. For example I once worked for a chap called Kingsley Fairy and then later for Brian Bonniface. I could never stand next to either in case someone should say "Oh look there is ... and ...". Just not on is it.

It gets worse. My grandmothers family name is Alcock and I cannot stand next to my cousin for the same reason. Some unkind person might observe that my family moved from front to back in two generations.

For once in my own name:

Winehouse jibe wins Fringe's funniest gag

Hippopotamus

They may well kill people but I never heard of one wanting to take over the world.

Qinetiq trumpets midsummer robo solar-plane 'record'

Leave it to us

Of course if they had gone for a pressure supported structure rather than the conventional rigid airframe and filled the remaining space with helium it would have been lighter than air not 66kg as flown. It could stay up most of the time at any sensible latitude. What a wasted opportunity.

Russians withdraw Lake Baikal record claim

See, I told you, I told you...

I said yesterday the Russians had extracted it all and they have just proven it.

Software outfit keeps Vulcan airborne

Get the facts straight

1. There are no afterburners on Vulcans.

2. Vucans to not have pointy ears. They have bloody big noisy engines.

3. That large round dome under the cockpit hides the ground radar and is made of GRP. Now you would not want that anywhere near supersonic, would you?

4. One Vulcan had a Concord Olympus engine fitted in the bomb bay and was used as the flying test bed, and if I remember correctly it burned out on the end of the runway (Scampton?).

5. There was a report that the Americans were very impressed by the Vulcan as it was difficult to track by radar and could get in really close to the target. Fully enclosed engines and low angle surfaces were said to contribute. Is this where the US got the stealth idea from?

Personal anecdotes include:

As a kid being woken up on Saturday morning by ground testing of Vulcan engines at Woodford, five miles away. And they used a silencer, which I believe is still there.

My favourite encounter is driving south on the M6 going over Shap where the north and south carriageways are separated, a Vulcan was flying North towards me between the two sides of the road. I was looking down on the top of the wing; it would have been the best of reasons to have an accident.

Telegraph falls to the Tw*t-O-Tron

Falling Standards

Whilst politicians in general and Nu Labour in particular are at fault, my opinion is that the main cause in the fall in standards in this country is the media and the Sun and Star are at the top of the list (60+ pages of total trash).

This not funny.

Really wish I could leave, but cannot afford to any more.

Grumpy Old Git

Electrosticky droid boffin in spider-gecko tech bitchslap

Yeh! Yeh! But does it ....

work on dusty surfaces? and how do you get the sand out of it's little suckers?

Poor thing, you know what is like trying to walk with a stone in your shoe.

Grumpy Old Git

Welsh Darth Vader dodges jail

10 litre box of wine?

WTF do you get one of those. Over 2 gallons, I mean to ask are you being real?

I think that must be a typo and he only drank 1 litre. Still, I think he is a hero and should get off. What a constitution.