* Posts by Celeste Reinard

70 posts • joined 6 Mar 2018

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Massive news, literally: Three super-boffins awarded Nobel Prize in physics for their black-hole breakthroughs

Celeste Reinard

B-holes

I recall as far back in time as 1987, when Penrose had the same age I have now, some journalist snorting at this know-it-all noting a few typo's in some equations in his new book - B-holes still not being understood, being exceptionally dim and dense... and of great importance to philosophy, as I discovered later. Most philosophers appear not even aware of the importance of time and space - theologians being at the forefront of cluelessness, but so many others that do not even give it a second look. While vast tracts of knowledge are dependent on the elements of space and time, and our comprehension of those - and hence moral philosophy... Also, vast tracts of shelf space can be rendered to the bin (which I have been paid to do chez Swets & Blackwell, as a matter of fact) being vacuous. In practical sense, I binned all theology, usually some 6 months after I shelved it, not being sold. Poetry as well, by the way. ... A fact that stood out most here is that works on poetry and theology are small, with lots of white space, while hard science is densly printed. (Just like the works on law and tax - the latter being most expensive.)

First-world problems: The pumpkin spice latte is here, but the Starbucks loyalty card app has wiped my balance

Celeste Reinard

Limping

Oidipus is 2400 years old - rightly so - unwittingly killing your dad and screwing your mum - hilarious. ... Starbork isn't that funny. Not enough to last another 2400 years. It hasn't got the potential - and by the look of things, they are not even trying. They might even accidently delete themselves (with joyous incompetence) - ending up untraceble in yet another ... 24 months? (O please yes please, please do the disappearing act, reformat, and reboot as something un-hipsterlike and non-turd colored?)

Shine on you crazy diamond: We don't know who needs to hear it but NASA's explained the weird shape of the Bennu asteroid

Celeste Reinard

Re: "really close to the surface and just misses"

the trick is, indeed, to get 'distracted' at the right moment.

Adobe Illustrator's open source rival Inkscape delivers v1.0.1 - with experimental Scribus PDF export

Celeste Reinard

Thanks, Reg

Somewhere between the second and the third paragraph I downloaded my new portable toy (version 1.0) for tons of fun!

I grew up starting with Corel 4 - good (free) vector software that does more than drawing a circle before going plop and jerking tears is worth gold.

Eagle-on-EGLE* violence: American icon sends govt-flown drone hurtling into the waters of Lake Michigan

Celeste Reinard

Icon

1: With a name like Hunter King one is almost begging to get ones feathers ruffled by one who is patently so;

2: The King Hunter just did it for ships & giggles is another explanation - since honestly, we can't know what its motivation was, but it could be. Especially when the pilot is called Hunter King;

3: It felt like this failed buzzard needed to be taught a lesson. (Succesfully, as is the evidence.)

4. It is just some stupid stone-age anti-tech with a bad-hair day - and that is why we can't have nice things. (Shoot the lot...)

Yet another beefy BSOD spotted lurking within the walls of US patty pusher

Celeste Reinard

The Bork Collective...

We are the Bork. Lower your shields and surrender your chips. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to service us.

...

... ketch-up, onions, and a load of mayonaise ... with sugar on top.

Clunk, whirr, buzz, whine. Shared office space can be a riot and sounds like one too

Celeste Reinard

Better late than ... alive

Doing the left-overs in this very inbox, as I do like the taste of ... vintage news, of course I was touched. ... I quit sobbing, as it being superfluous, and giving me a snotty nose.

Going over it as concise as possible - I know you have a job, unlike me - I go blow by blow.

In french, the brand known to the world as Nike™, is known in France as 'nique ta mère' - meaning 'f*ck your mother'. One of the best...;

About the noise-canceling things. My neighbore from number &$ that likes to defoliate the trottoir (but only on sunny days) with a leafblower bigger than himself that transcends the 110 dB soundbarrier, wears them inhouse, while shopping, and doing the defoliage of the trottoir, appears to have more than one. At least three.;

And last but not least, I do stil have to walk with a cane, as I suffer from nerve damage in my ear induced by low-level noises, created by machines. I know the pain as translated above is real. A machine-free world would be welcome. A de-peopled one as well, but I think that is over-asking. And regardeing the way it's going, why should I.

Micros~1? ClippyZilla? BSOD Bob? There can be only one winner. Or maybe two

Celeste Reinard

Microflop

O dear, I missed out on that one... Not in the habit of calling names, even when it comes to the Evil Emipre from Redmond, I usualy refer to screw-ups (like last fall when I was back in France since 13 years, about to show my work to the indigenous people from Nullepart, and then found out that upon arrival my Win10 had to finish its update, (wait... wait...), before I found out the update had borked my cursor, turning me into one...) as microflop. ... And that's it, mostly. ... It's not Apple, or Linux. So. Or else, just Satan. But then I refer to myself as Satan as well, so that's not much of a help either. So, nothing. ... Mind you, I have tried over the years, but that's all I have to show for 20-odd years of wasted time & sleep. Hey, I even have used drugs - still nothing. ... Maybe it's some sort of Stockholm syndrome - it keeps on slapping me in the face and giving nightmares & bruises on the soul, and I still keep hoping it will get better, one day. Maybe 'Nightmare' comes close. Micromare? Microsad? Micro de Sade? ... Microsof (a sof being a failure (in Jiddish, now I check it (always good for great words telling what's it all about, like armageddon being another ... evergreen))).

You can't have it both ways: Anti-coronavirus masks may thwart our creepy face-recog cameras, London cops admit

Celeste Reinard

Unidentified Faceless Objects

After so many years of political hassel, we finally got a law, proposed by the populist party here in holland, forbidding facial covering, mostly aimed at the 12 to 24 muslim women here wearing a veil. And now we don't hear so much as a peep. ... I wonder who invented this virus, because (s)he is a bloody genius, just to annoy these politicians - but I gather it must be a marxist(e), sick an tired of waiting for the revolution to arrive - and now here we have it (finally)! ... As I am also a genius, I propose to just chip everybody - at birth, for starters (practical for doctors as well, mind you), and since already half the population has been chipped by aliens, actually all we have to do is to learn to decipher the code those chips are emitting across the galaxy, and Bob's your Uncle (as you always suspected). And the ups are limitless: when you need a cop, for example, you can just find one on Googlemaps, and wistle in the correct direction. Or an Illuminaty, or any other crook, if you need to outsource a burglary to retrieve you smartphone. ... Far much better than installing cctv on every corner and bedroom. Cheaper as well, since most of the work has been done (voluntarily!) by those nice and loving aliens. ... Unless a majority of 50.1 % of 17.4 % of the population says no to it, then of course we don't, and continue throwing good money after bad money, and keep the cops busy harrasing people at random - what is also a fun thing to do, instead of doing their job, saving kittens and beating up woman-beaters.

Iran military manages to keep a straight face while waggling miracle widget that 'can detect coronavirus from 100m away'

Celeste Reinard

Again?

Nothing on snopes.com - I recall these things being reviewed on dutch skeptical sites like kloptdatwel and the likes some 10 years ago - while I was being some sort of a trainee on skepticism. Anyway, the wiki has some stuff where snopes drops the ball a bit - one can search under GT200 or the ADE 651 being so completely bogus one starts to question the very nature of ones own species to the extend that one really sees the gnomes dancing the Can Can in ones own head.

The dutch site talks about it in 2013:

https://kloptdatwel.nl/2013/02/08/drugs-en-explosievendetector-valt-compleet-door-de-mand/

And here's the Wiki for those who also understand proper English:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/GT200

... I refrain from stating that humans descend from monkeys, endorsing Darwin thusly, since we clearly don't - it's gnome country. (One better reads up Foucault, Les Mots et les Choses, for better understanding (why people are more like wheel barrows rather than trains - they have a hard time keeping on track/ not flying of the rails by habit (or lack of constraints (within their belief-system)))

Upstart Americans brandish alligators at the almighty Reg Standards Soviet

Celeste Reinard

Gnominium

I am confused - as you know me - at keeping standards shared by others than me - I use the

Spitting Distance – for the lady from the benifits (dole, chomage) - she has 3 k's in her name, and since you know I am Rwandeese, and she is an umuzungu kazi - that doesn't work. The

0.50 half-brick throwing distance – when it comes to police (that's about a Standard Bus), and the

0.50 helicopter mounted Catling machinegun – for my 120dB leaveblowing noise-canceling wearing head-gear neighbour wearing this gear in-house (take my word for that), while shopping (idem) and while cleaning for at least 4 hours the trottoir, parkingspace, &c, shoeed with sandals, wearing shorts, and has for the rest a horrible appearence (photographic and filmic evidence on request), and has an injunction watching movies depicting people under 25.

– Those are the standards we use in the Gnominium, which, as you guessed correctly, is gnome-country, where we dance around bonfire with new-moon, half-moon (both), and full-moon, and everything in-between, and the bonfire is used to roast terrible people-onna-stake. ... How it comes I am not yet roasted and that people generally regard me as kind and loving, for knowing myself, - no. I woudn't befriend myself. Maybe they are terrified - rightly so.

Anyway, I love the situation... (I live near Schiphol ... no more planes with b. tourists spooling the view on the flowerbulbfields that surround my place of habitation. (What should be enough information for all of you to Google Earth my neighbour to see I am right and I am not so bad after all.) And a 0.50 caliber helicopter mounted machinegun is quite the measure for social distancing. Also when it comes to asure the Nice & Quiet.

Things that go crump in the night: Watch Musk's mighty missile go foom

Celeste Reinard

O Lord, won't You buy me...

... a Mercedes Benz. My friends all drive Tesla's...

That was just Elon smoking and calling it a leaking valve. (Can't wait for the fix and the retest...)

Vietnam bans posting fake news online

Celeste Reinard

Marx

I recall posting a photo of netted oranges online, since they resembled a tasty and wholesome human rear end - which I thought to be very funny, and suggestive of something completely different than an actual orange. And totally real, and not related to any orange to be found on Pennsylvania avenue 1600 that is totally fake news - though I don't want to be totallitarian about that, or vague, argumentative, or quarrelsome, or confused, since I am a devoted marxist - so I am safe, there.

... Okay, I admit that I am not a real marxist, I just say that to annoy people - I prefer total anarchy - as anyone will avow that has seen my place.

Internet use up 40 per cent in San Francisco Bay Area – but you know what’s even higher? Yep, alcohol, weed use

Celeste Reinard

odd

I started this lifestyle some 30 years ago - and now I read about what I am doing in El Reg. ... And yet I don't see myself as 'avant-garde' - is it the rest playing catch-up? Interesting it is.

Want to see through walls? Electroboffins build tiny chip in the lab that vibrates at just the right frequency to do it

Celeste Reinard

The Cusp

“High-frequency, high-power and nanoscale aren’t terms you’d normally hear in the same sentence,” he added.

O dear, may I contradict you? But that sounds rather like the description of the Current US President its brain, or else that other nasty that is not to be sneezed upon that is currently doing the rounds. ... The guy should read a newspaper or something. Be shown the tv.

... Okay, it's not really on topic, but it's true!

BOFH: Here he comes, all wide-eyed with the boundless optimism of youth. He is me, 30 years ago... what to do?

Celeste Reinard

Unbalanced, unhinged, and cold...

Love and flowers - we're having none of that. Not here at Mano Sinistra Publications...

As you all know, I live here in the proximity of the Keukenhof, an annual flower show that's so famous I even found an old, faded, life-sized poster of it in an internet café in the heart of Africa, Kigali. The show is closed this year, due to obvious reasons, or rather, seemingly obvious reasons - so no bloody tourists this year... The quiet... This morning I went for a walk-about, and I even could hear the birds sing. One that made the sound of a house-version of a ring-tone, even. And all it took was a little biological experiment, that went of with a spectacular result, that will have the scientific cummunity talking about for decades to come... For which I deny any responsabiliy - that will be the guy downstairs who will find out later that some fingers are pointing at him. ... I don't like his music that much, and he confuses deo with douche - while being a... enfin. No name-calling. I like birdsong better. Or trash metal. And make things Someone Elses Problem - and disappear.

About which I do have a little comment, to be a little less on a tangent, or unhinged, as my neighbor will find out about his front door in a not that far point in the future, is the reference in this sublime piece of litterature I am supposed to be commenting on, to the use of lime.

As I recall, it is already about a decade ago that the theory has been tested on corpses, and that has been found that the use of lime prevents the proliferation of maggots, slowing actually down the process of decomposition. I admit that it has some litterary cachet to use lime, but frankly it is useless. Best practice is, when hippy-minded, to just dump it in a forest, or at sea. Quickest is to set it on fire - and when shot, for example, use wooden bullets - they will burn, so it much more looks like an accident. Pine is fine - it splinters nicely, and is virtually untracable. For those in a more festive mood like the more experimental part of the '80s, one can always chop it up, and distribute the remains in the desk drawers of the temporal manager that replaces the old one, to assure that nothing is really the matter, and it is business as usual. Also to instill the right amount of... attitude.

The happiest 35 days of my life were when, some day, some 5 years ago now, I hit upon the works of Simon T., and just spend 5, 6, 10 hours a day plowing through his ... bloody mess. That's about 40 days by now. As I, as a redactrix (red nails, riding crop), get more ripe with age, so I recognise Simon the past year finding refinement, as he is getting, the past months, more ripe with age as well. Like whiskey – in front off a log-fire. Lampshades made of the finest leather, to complete the picture. A head of some wild-life as a trophy on the wall. A roll of carpet on the floor.

Memories start to flood about construction sites I have been employed, using heavy equipment. The smell of curing cement in the morning. Walls being bricked. Elevator shafts being furnished. Stairwells, getting their first painting. Sounds of splattering, things dropping from the sixth floor. This white helmet of the chief engineer somewhere in the cold mud, with a small yellow pool inside. Echoos of ratteling noises. Large rolls of carpet being delivered. Window panes missing at all places... The drum, the rumble, the excitement of doing something that makes a mark in the landscape. The giant flood lights, high-powered electric cables...

- Doing shit about Oscar Wilde recently (I found some books for £2 more than 110 year old), this piece has the same smell as the good old stuff - just perfectly translated into a new and modern setting. Kids should be taught about this at school.

The rumour that I married Simon, took him off to my basement and taught him how to write properly in the few months time about a year ago, what would explain the unusual large gaps between entries at that time, is a fantasy, and can be ignored. (thusly.)

To coin a frase: the love he's making to my mind is getting better with age.

Grab a towel and pour yourself a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster because The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is 42

Celeste Reinard

42, Towels, and the rest...

I got married when I was 42. On planet Africa, that has strangely enough the shape of Rwanda, and tends to be frequented by a 1000 hills, in a little place called Kigali. The claim of Rwandan people being the prettiest people on earth might be an overestimation, but by a negligable percentage. They do speak the most beautiful language - a fact I never see mentioned anywhere (not even chez El Reg, that now being corrected).

The negligable percentage of overestimation on prettieness explains why my future better half made up the excuse why I couldn't see my future mother-in-law before the wedding - for she was compensating on her own - I believe my better half was afraid about the source that had spawned [her] and I might get second thoughts. ... Thing is, my beloved loves Killing Joke (drums, Rwanda is great with that)... and other (violent) Pock-music, so any fears were redundant. (I don't care so much about my mother-in-law, being nice but truly horrid.)

I know where my towel is - as I sit on top of it all day, it being draped over my lounge chair, behind my desk, at work as an editor chez Mano Sinistra Publications - the place from which I rule a unverse with 1 inhabitant (a calculation by The Greatest Writer (for being over 2 meters tall) shows that I am 10 to the minus 43 (or something about) devided over all planets, my universe is uninhabited, making it a quiet place without kids.). I don't know where [the towel] comes from, but it's colorful, with an aboriginal patterning, so maybe there's a clue - it originates from an Australia-shaped former prison island, some of my relatives were born - thou I am not sure, since they speak an incomprehensible tongue - what might be a clue. We do communicate telepathically, and thankfully Australia is mostly a desert - we are one.

The rumour that I clubbed a towel to death with the leg of a table is gratutitous, and can be ignored. I love towels.

Celeste Reinard

Re: If that kind of talent were normal ...

Being freakishly smart, getting bored is essential to come up with weird stuff and stay alife – or else getting nuts (after one develops a smart and fluffy tail and hang about the trees all day (like a diva on a sofa). ... As I read the comments of his Litterary Agent, I assume DNA was a 'gifted' person, i.e., had problems with focus and related problems... (the brain the size of...). ... It's a small ecology, that creates its own needs. And results. Getting bored with the universe (and its inhabitants) is one, inventing the gargleblaster is another one. (I'll have mine on the rocks, with a bit of napalm, and a little umbrella).

Celeste Reinard

That depends. If it was white, I used it as a shroud for the cat of neighbour, Bernice. The blue one I ate (the bit with the maggots), I burned the rest to warm my cold hands and heart, and the green one I fed to the cat (which happened to become -- comatic, somehow... and to make sure, I smothered the poor fellow with a red one). The black one I used as a veil when I was getting married on Postal (Planet Postal, where scientients from all over the galaxy go to get get married for ... what passes for a posh yet highly illegal marriage, but explains a lot about 'Going Postal'. Otherwise I have no further information. Unless it was the brownish one, which had developped into something quite violent, and had to be put down (I clubbed it to death with the femur a smaller dinosaur)(I guess, it could also be the leg of a flying bedroom table) (That was before I got married to it (the table) (hence the veil).

Celeste Reinard

Re: fun facts

An 'accroc' is also an 'addict'. On drugs, or a hobby. One just never knows wat goes on in the minds of translaters. ... from 'accrocher', hang up. Accroc is also a tear in vêtements, or a problem. Accrocher (now I am in the dic) also means 'collision'. 'Accrocher une voiture' - collide with a car. > Dent?

Celeste Reinard

Re: fun facts

Since you got already 42 thumbs-up, I leave it at that.

One for the super rich fanbois: Ultra-rare functional Apple-1 computer goes on auction

Celeste Reinard

Job, it was mine

... to clear out offices and toss old crap like that from the first floor into a dumpster - one day, long long time ago. I recall it being sunny and springtime and the previous millenium. And that one shouldn't fart in a clean room - people notice that and stare at you and wish you were dead - but please elsewhere. Severly.

-

→ next time I tell you about my job where I – in grand total – tossed for over a million $ worth of scientific literature in the bin. Could be 2, or 3. → Envy alert: I could take from that lot what I liked home, after check with the chief... (you'll hate me) which gave me in that one year a bonus of about $30.000 when bought new.

Imagine one can take from 265.000 titels, updated every day. ... Also, imagine ceo David Bowie look-a-like, that responds to the question about waste - we have tried getting it to the 3rd world - but we were bleeding money.

I happened to be the new magasier chez Swets & Blackwell, responsable for 3.7 kilometers of shelves with books. I created order to that ... bloody mess..., as it should be, for the first time in 28 years (so I was told,) ... undoing the ... mess.- I had the weirdest job. Got my boss a load of bucks in return for making small changes, with a love for books. Enfin. Wonderful time.

...

One should imagine that it was housed in a former flower-bulb factory, and one grows here almost up in a flower-bulb factory. (I did.) So I was working in a flower-bulb factory that housed 600 people reading books on all places. ... A Special Version of Doom...

Can AI-enhanced virtual sports presenters do the job? It's a big ask

Celeste Reinard

Misses & Misses D.

As I am a avid proponent of corporal punishment - I like to teach by example and hand out free samples - I asked myself how I should procede with someone begging for a free sample for the all the inanities dispersed, that someone being immaterial. ... As I am also an avid abuser of innocent substances, my next thought was about the current UK prime minister, and as far as he is not yet replaced by a virtual thingy, how do we know the difference? ... And while investigating, ask his opinion about corporal punishment, if he likes a free sample (I think that would suffice to differentiate between Turing and him), or that he rather goes for the whole hog and likes to cough up some (badly needed and loads of) dough in exchange for (some specialist) education, training, and exercise. ... As for the latter, and the honorable PM is piqued and wants to know my contact details, I am sure the editor of this magazine will surely like to be instrumental in sharing them, and be updated later on... (in Technicolor™ on request).

Celeste Reinard

Re: Artificial sports presenters

I queried a specialist (a mother of twins) on the subject of mermaids, and how they will be going about when it comes to the consumption of the inevitable marital nights... the mechanics of sleeping with the fish. Where do these flippers go, for example. You happen to be a marine biologist - she was clueless.

Hear, hear: The first to invent idiot-cancelling headphones gets my cash

Celeste Reinard

Shad up... (hou je bek...)

I walk with a cane that has I HIT KIDS in pink writing on it. It has also tigerprinting on the handle.

I walk with a cane that has I HIT KIDS in Pink Writing on it, as my balance organ on my left side is damaged. This is due to an incessant stream of idiocy and verbal abuse in, mostly, my left ear, during years. By, (the doctor, thaumaturg said I couldn't use such language, so I repeat it because why not (hè whât?)) indeed, a drunken eff-ing idiot. (A heavily challenged person.)

That is besides the kids outside, wth 4 (!) trampolines in a radius of 50 meters (have a nice day). The neighboor with his friggin' drill on rainy days. The fr... stairlift (beep beep beep, kgrrrrrrr, click, tack, clack - tack tack tack - ni ni ni ni ni nini) 20, 30 times day. The fagging piano (Ah! You go to bed, then I can practice...) For good measure, we throw in these bl.... birds. And 26 Clocks. Ding ding dong for 7 minutes every half hour. With the tick-tack inbetween.

I am sure I forget things.

Electric and internal combustion engines that go beep. The artificial parasite that makes us do things we otherwise wouldn't do. And does beep. Is the undoing of this planet, and is a co-evolution - a lifeform in its own. I wonder how many I use every day - too many.

I also have developped a worse than demonic cackle. That would scare the living daylights out of Granny Weatherwax (Mémé Ciredutemps). I am very proud of that.

I go shopping with earplugs.

I dream regularly of modding my rod with a visor, a trigger, and a clip, just to make a statement.

Silence is precious, innocent, and butchered to death by any passing idiot. Indeed.

The inhouse philosopher of Throbbing Gristle, Genesis P. Orridge, is quite eloquent and to the point, when he sings about Discipline.

Love.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y8klW9trVTQ

Fed-up air safety bods ban A350 pilots from enjoying cockpit coffees

Celeste Reinard

Preventive Punishment*

First of all, this is what happens when them flyboys with their funny sigarettes use the cupholder as an ashtray - and don't have them their ouisky from a biberon.

Secondly, first you shoot their wife (or kids, pet frog, whatever makes them happy), and tell them that that is what is going to happen when they spill their coffee on the boss's gear. With as added bonus that it is very good for l'esprit de corps, and prevents any pissing contest / stops them pissing off their colleague's in the first place.

Thirdly, what was wrong with Flying Lizards? They just fly, and don't drink. Like cacti.

---

* A.J. Ayer, The Central Questions of Philosophy, p. 237, 1973, Weidenfeld and Nicolson, London

In case you wanna launch your boss into the Sun, good news: Earth's largest solar telescope just checked and, yeah, it's still pretty fiery

Celeste Reinard

Here comes the sun...

... And I say, it just looks like those 8mm pictures I shot from my frying pan frying patate frites some 30 years ago. ... Being one's true artist, properly potted up, I called it 'art', now the upload is removed from my FB-page, it being fake-news - it's a hoax. (It's a frying pan, I keep repeating.)

Elon Musk shows world that he is truly awful at something

Celeste Reinard

no. no. no.

The title-quotation, I gather, must be the utterance from one of Englands previous "leaders" (putting the quote "take me to your leader" in quite a different perspective) after she must have heard Ad Visser, the presenter of the dutch variety of Top of the Pops (being a rip-off and all), Toppop. Ad Visser being a presenter of said program, making exactly the same kind of what his idea was that music also could be. (No need to go look at YouTube, you can take my word for it - darn, it's awful.) The one moment in time the future baroness was right: this cannot and will not do!

I am born in this country, you know. - Now you know what's wrong with me - having to evolve in situ in order to survive, quite a feat - so I can assure that El Reg is not complicit in any physical harm or deformation by the distribution of Elon's Sweetest Child in Time.

My sympathies go to my fellow readers who did suffer and find themselves in quite a different place from which they last time remember to be, in quite a different shape, and bits missing from their soul. The guy in the white coat told me, with loving, caring eyes, that given time and good care, I could live to see my kids grow up. And when I say caring eyes, I mean that he even didn't blink when I said he could have my kids, it being for the best, since, well, no legal surgery can undo that, pointing at the terror twins, while wrecking the peace and killing each other, growing up with Frozen and that.

With one of the greatest philosophers in mind, Captain Sensible, I dare say it's music, I am happily damned, but no truer words were spoken when he said: Noises for hero's, music 's for zero's.

Will Asimov fix my doorbell? There should be a law about this

Celeste Reinard

Spanking!

As I am also by times a bit Artificially Intelligent, and like to disrupt stuf (there goes the neighborhood), I was thinking along the lines of creating a Spankbot - one that necessarily causes harm (maybe there's something for Our Musky Lord Elon, there?). That also can give a nice, good and solid whipping about. As a gift for... the neighborhood. Or the downstairs neighbor, that, judging the noises emanating from the floorboards, resembles mostly caterwauling, and could do with some spanking ad infinitum. I suggest to call it the Tyrannosaurus may - the Maybot, for all intentional and unintentional (self)harm (or mayhem) - while breaking all the rules, in obedience of them (by popular vote), without any contradiction whatsoever to all and none of the above. ... I aim to please.

... There is no doubt in My mind, being the Celestial Being I am, about the intellectual qualities of those of Mister D. and His ability to think of a nice place where He can shove His rubber duck without Me telling Him, comme Adulte Responsable (with the added bonus that this ahumdum remains sfw).

Celeste Reinard

Re: état nounou

Oui oui. C'est carement ça.

Is everything OK over there, Britain? Have you tried turning the UK off and on again? ISPs, financial orgs fall over in Freaky Friday of outages

Celeste Reinard

Bricks-it

Fes up, who of you lot broke the internet? Hmmmm? We know it was one of you... And we expect the real story at our desk at Mission Control, monday morning, chez BOFH, or at Who, me?

UK cops lost nearly twice as much of their own tech kit this year, says thinktank

Celeste Reinard

not missing a beat

... What seems to be missing here, is the number of not missing missing kit, an omission, I gather, caused by sleeping policemen.

Hate speech row: Fine or jail anyone who calls people boffins, geeks or eggheads, psychology nerd demands

Celeste Reinard

C'est pas juste...

One has to pay to get rated? They couldn't figure out a business model to get it for free? (Like El Reg, where smartipants abound?) Wow! And then pay again to become a member? Not getting invited? Isn't that a bit sad? Would one want to be a member of such a club? It is not as if these tests are so hard to do... I admit, indeed I feel stupid all the time, until I get 'research' like this in my hands - with 20 subjects, nonetheless. A genius that knows density to make light bend. Okay, I am aware of my short-comings that go with a bigger than usual engine under the hood, and what kind of problems it can cause (with the last psychiatrist of whatever it was I spoke to I concluded they were thaumaturgists in more than one respect, especially when it comes to the latest rage emdr (o dear) and their habit of mixing latin and greek and still not making sense, like any other run-of-the-mill Thomist from mediocre times... I have the advantage to be able to read a newspaper while some dim bully is telling me (a 100+ times, I counted that) that I was not 'normal' and still stay calm, despite a nervous 'nature' (I have been over-bullied, indeed). Thst was much more fun to do: listening to a rapist (in french, I am dutch) for 2 hours (while reading the Guardian), accusing me of anything that applied to himself (being an imposter), then after a hour or so of loud intimidation, general lack of brains, explaining him in french about the use of the word 'normal'. (That was before I appeared to be 'sauváge' as well.) The way he was using 'normal' was done in a connotative, hence metaphorical, private manner, and not denotative, public manner, hence my incompetence of understanding was evident. Leaving Big Mouth with his mouth hanging open, etc., before he continued telling me I was 'sauváge' (brrrr!). And I continued with the Guardian. I skipped the bit telling him that normality as he used it is known only in a negative sense (in it's absence) - to avoid mutilation. (The guy had raped my best friend at gunpoint, I was reading from the laptop with a new (french) W10 install I gifted to her in order to avoid another case of feminicide, and he had no clue I was recording his bullships with it... It was a bit scary, since he could also fold me like a newspaper.)

Yeah... I think I can handle being called 'boffin'. Or nerd. Smartsass. Professor (I am not, thank you, I don't like to lecture...). Einstein. (Let me tell you about Einstein, or Hawkins, and where they totally dropped the ball... that was on sociology...) As De Sausure observed some while ago, function precedes form, knowledge of this helps a great bit. ... One wouldn't say at the first impression that I am a Rwandan (I am pinkish white), I know what it means to be called an Umuzungu kazi (white woman) all day. It gets boring, it is a measure of racism imposed on me. Research like this is however not helping the case. ... To be brief (sic), the researcher hardly has even a hammer on boffinity, let alone a clue.

Powerless in the face of stupidity, I high-fived with the guy after 4 hours - I was his friend. In form. ... We had a fascinating conversation.

Reading up on Aristotle, he wanted to restrict mirth by law. Poor man.

Live long and prosper.

Big bang theory: Was mystery explosion over New York caused by a meteor? Dunno. By a military jet? Maybe...

Celeste Reinard

Lemmy pass gass

The only space rock I know is Hawkwind, and they are usually pretty sedate... So it probably must have been a silver machine taking someone for a ride.

Can you download it to me – in an envelope with a stamp?

Celeste Reinard

5 years of therapy...

It all comes flooding back to me... The tears.... the insults... the broken furniture... the sunshine over the deep blue waters of the mediterranean. The happy moments we shared... Dancing in the street at night, crying with joy... naked. In the rain.

~ ~ ~ Start waves ~ ~ ~

It must have been 2005.... I was a gardener, at a hotel, somewhere near California, Cannes. ... Insert your card 20 times, and maybe you are lucky.

~ ~ ~ end waves ~ ~ ~

The good news is that I can go shopping for new furniture tomorrow!

No, I am joking. The therapy was really a succes. Smashing, even. I can even look at a carte postale (there I go again) of Nice without trembling. My mind is totally unwarped. Un-Bend. De-corrupted. Most of the time. I am even allowed outside these days. Buy an apple with real money. Not the one that you can hurt yourself with. The money made out of papier maché, all chewed by myself. O dear, I start buffering again. ... And I lost the connection to reality - again. Thank god it's raining again and I have a reason to dance in the streets. Naked.

-

Yes, mr Dabbs is right. And he is totally innocent, officer. You can stop beating him. ... And no, I can assure you he is fine being unconscious. He's my friend. I know him. We do this all the time... It's something in the water. The dolphins, probably. Just stop beating.

Fantastic Mr Fox? Not when he sh*ts on your lawn, kids' trampoline and your soul

Celeste Reinard

Dexter

When asked why I named my camera (the same type as Dexter, professional serial killer) Fluffy, it slipped out that is "because it's better than se* with puppies". .... Yeah. ... (Some people are like that, and it happens to be me...)...

I don't know exactly what the trouble is with stealthy visits from a red-haired Goddesses-in-disguise, but here's the perfect cat-o-strobe we gobbled together at the ol' folks' place against a cat-infestation: A small strobe-light connected to a motion detector – cats don't like flashing lights; it worked like a charm. Maybe it's worth a try, and your trashy visite ain't fond of it either. Just a few quid on kit.

...

O, by the way, I am not so fond of kids jumping & screaming on the trampoline... they tend to scare away the wild life.

...

Or else you install the future "Enterprise"-variety: "We have 10 Faser-banks, 250 Photon torpedo's, and a high-capacity shield-grid." (Worf)

...

Or one could start breeding tigers - I understand they are very apt at the kind of vermin you mention. Whether it's the four-legged, the one next door, or next-door neighbours' two-legged and noisy vermin. ... Or one could attempt to out-breed them, and have another 20 - 50 daughters?

Parents slapped with dress code after turning school grounds into a fashion crime scene

Celeste Reinard

Getting away with murder as a jobdescription...

I have no problem showing up dressed like the Grim Reaper in a harvester ... with Victoria's Secret underneath my cape, and wings attached to the back. ... just to drop of the kids, who wear just that, but no cape.

Town admits 'a poor decision was made' after baseball field set on fire to 'dry' it more quickly

Celeste Reinard

Re: As I recall Florida

... Someone is wrong on the internet...

Celeste Reinard

Fotonic Fountain

Has anybody thought of the use of the giant raygun in the sky? Cheap as dirt, cheerful actually, it works like a charm. ... As I recall Florida isn't one of those places where the sun doesn't shine...

Another useful tip from ancient times - the Parthenon has (if I recall properly) a curved floor - to make the water go away - so no puddles for the gods. Maybe the lesser gods could take an example from the worshippers of Athena?

As the UK updates its .eu Brexit advice yet again, an alternative hovers into view

Celeste Reinard

Dr.

Being a being of saintly properties, where can I scoop up the name St.inc?

Boffins discover new dust clouds in the Solar System, Mercury has a surprisingly filthy ring

Celeste Reinard

Old Stuff

So they found some dust. Next thing they'll discover some cobwebs, mothballs and an odd sock. A skeleton... or even a planet that has developped intelligent life, that has invented the steam engine. Maybe someone give the boffins a hint what else to look for? Dirty magazines?

CES flicks the off switch on massager award… and causes a buzz

Celeste Reinard

Going metaballistic

"A particularly optimistic buyer asked if she could send her boyfriend over on a moped to collect a wardrobe."

Now there's an idea that gave me a good buzz. ... You have a moped to go with the wardrobe? I send my boyfriend over to come and collect. I believe you live in a different country from me?

Lush scrubs its card-processing servers squeaky clean

Celeste Reinard

Mummies Basement

Having my TITSUP*, I did my homework... and read all listed above. And I wonder why you wonder why you are still living with your mum, in the basement no less. ... 'Beware of the man who doesn't care about money' is one coined frase, since 'Beware of the man who doesn't care about soap' goes without saying...

Guys... you wonder why there are so few women around here? Or there usually is a screen between you and their delight? Tut tut tut...

~ ~ ~

*Total Inability To Stand Unwashed P... No, that would be unkind... you poor devils, living with your mum and all... You do know it's a myth one could die from taking a bath. (I checked on snopes.com) Right?

Nikola Tesla's greatest challenge: He could measure electricity but not stupidity

Celeste Reinard

Menslaugter

As an environment conscious person I just cycle - and only had one attack on my life today by a car piloted by somebody getting instructions from his gran through his smartphone. Maybe they can program cars with a female sense of humor - not to target women - only just men? For starters? ... Or, and here is an idea, outlaw pedestrianism. Or at least tax it heavily.

I think the mentioning of country & western singers is gratuituosly rethorical; who would ever miss them?

Country road, here I go... >Carmageddon ensuies<

A basement of broken kit, zero budget – now get the team running

Celeste Reinard

You are always too early, she yelled...

Belgium, 2011, Friday afternoon, 13:00, midwinter. Telephone: Can you start there and there at 17:00? Till 21:00?, the temp office person asks. Sure, I say. ... The adress was 10km from my place, and there was more than 10 cm snow on the road. Yes we can... So I arrive early, 16:45, no one there but the last of the daystaff - no problem, I start anyway. At 17:25 the person that was supposed to tell me my job finally arrives (shopping, very important). Weekend passes, monday comes, 15 cm of snow, I start at 16:55. At 20:15 there is nothing more to do, I confer with my collegue, sure, go home. Tuesday: Telephone, the temp office: There have been complaints about you starting early... I arrive at the place of work, there is a person that looks as pretty as Iggy Pop - the female version. I start at 17:00, and she starts accusing me of ALWAYS starting early, and leaving early as well. And it was this, and that, and such and such, and you cannot say that. I defend myself by stating that the first time I was about 10 minutes early while the other person was 25 minutes late (YOU CANNOT SAY THAT!) and the next time I was 5 minutes early... which is rather neat being on time, having to start at 17:00, also in regard to the weather and such.... AND YOU MUST NOT START AT 17:00!!! ... Right. Since I had figured out after 5 minutes with the aggravated Iggi Pop-crocodile (lovely skin texture, large mouth, she would make a nice hand bag - with shoes to match), whatever I did was wrong, I told her to go look for somebody else, and Celeste had left the building at 17:05. ... Next day, the temp office calls, there have been complaints... I explain, and the temp office person responds with: What??? They cannot do that...

UKIP doubled price of condoms for sale at party conference

Celeste Reinard

Heads up

One small cock of a man, one giant cock-up for Britain

Russian volcanoes fingered for Earth's largest mass extinction

Celeste Reinard

The Human Explosion

A friend of mine is writing since ages on this work of his, 'Pearls of Doom', which is about an earth that is lived upon by 200 billion people - having completly 'machined out' the planet. Based on the asumption of there still being a lot of planet that is still in its original, unmined shape: everything 10 kilometers below our feet. ... Only, what's the point being a being that due to random pressures will change - even in a 'machined out' world. Where machines are an integral part of the ecology to keep the planet going - a removal would certainly evoke a crisis. ... (for the biblical note: Jezus would probably have given a total blank on what was just said, given his somewhat rural upbringing, so let's leave that poor man alone with his troubles wih his rather violent father that ends up liki... killing his son... His life is already s***ty enough.)

Devon County Council techies: WE KNOW IT WASN'T YOU!

Celeste Reinard

Making wild and passionate love...

'Those bad at teaching become the managers...'

I received such a letter recently, it just made my day, with 3 spacing errors, 2 on spelling, added bad grammar, and questionable phrasing - since I am always looking for a candidate for the yearly award I like to dole out, since I had the translation of 'Not in our genes' in my hands, with about 800 spelling errors oveer 300 pages, wrecked phrasing, etc., etc., the total in need of more than 2000 corrections. Done by a certified translator, Marleen Mortelmans - whose name, when misspelled, ends up being 'Martelmens', meaning 'a woman that tortures'. When I asked miss(es) Mortelmans, still active as a translator, for help with some phrases I really couldn't get the meaning off since she might have the original text, she wrote me back that I surely could figure it out myself, having the (english) text with me. ... Right. What was I thinking. To the electronic document I added 2 pages that goes with the 'Omelet' (the name of the award) about the found errors, in 7 categories and 2 subcategories, about how she had 'made wild passionate love' with the translation. At this moment I am at work with 'Wittgenteins Vienna' by Stephen Toulmin (4 times Sören Kierkegaard, once a correct Søren, but we are used to that, poor Søren), and at 10% of the text I found already 90 spacing errors, and 7 typing misers. But since it is 'Boom Publishing', well known for phisolophical texts, no surprises there: they always 'make wid passionate love' when they are 'on the job'.

Celeste Reinard

You will be amazed at what OCR can do, having seen what I have seen the past ten years, besides misreading. Not only dropping text, but adding text that is not there on the page or the entire book as well. ... That being one of the reasons why I think, excuse me, know we are doomed when Artificial Idiocy will take over the planet.

Boss helped sysadmin take down horrible client with swift kick to the nether regions

Celeste Reinard

Simon has left the building...

... having fondled his boss's equipment for such a wonderful time ... and after a kick in the X, and the window closed... the lights dim... There is an expectant thrush in the audience... as we wait for the entry of Miss Rebecca... And here she comes now! The audience bursts into spontaneous applause! (Bravo miss Rebecca, bravo, bravo!) She's seated now... and almost ready to begin.

(Lead me in with a count of 17, miss Reinard, then wave your baton...)

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