* Posts by Whatsinitforme

21 posts • joined 16 Jun 2017

BOFH: Where there is darkness, let there be a light


Certainly doesn't feel like a friday....

I just walked in and hung my coat.

BOFH: Are you a druid? Legally, you have to tell me if you're a druid


Re: Return of the basement AI Bots

Any boss being replaced trying to change the wrong things, will be replaced more swiftly then a nerdy teens underpants (so yes, it could take some time, but replaced he will be).


Return of the basement AI Bots

My kids (who are now being homeschooled because schools are closed in NL) were wondering why I shouted out "YES, the bots are back"....

Still, makes me wonder why the boss (and his office) weren't sanitized as first, the Boss has been around too long, we need a new one.

BOFH: Will the last one out switch off the printer?

Big Brother

Security has checked the building 5 months ago and thought there was nobody left inside, so they locked up.

Yet, for some strange reason, there's a daily delivery by Just-Eat at the garage to the basement. The delivery boy was warned about some strange security features at his current delivery address,

He was also instructed to go to the garage door, say his name and what he is delivering, and place the delivery on the trolley in the yellow circle that is 2 feet behind the garage door when it opens.

The route to this basement garage door has been altered over the last months, motion-detection camera's have been added, and suddenly there's a disturbing >hhhssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss< from the far right corner (you know, that piece of the driveway that is always in the dark), and an LED display lights up.

The words "TARGET ACQUIRED" flash momentarily on the display, followed by "ANALYSING TARGET", and "LISTENING”.

The delivery boy gasps for air, as the display suddenly turns red and an alarm sounds. He remembers what he needs to do. "Hi, Leandro here, from just eat. I have your order of Tzatziki and 6 pints of lager for you"

The red LED display changes to "RECALCULATING", but the alarm is still active. 3 Seconds later, the alarm comes to a halt, and the display turns green, showing the words "ORDER RECOGNISED".

The garage door opens, Leandro sees a strange trolley 2 feet behind the garage door. It seems to be able to operate on its own, there's several mainboard showing, a spaghetti-like mess of wires, some batteries and an electrical engine. When he places the order on the trolley, the front wheels jiggle a bit, turning left and right and a soft hummmm of the electrical motor is audible.

He wants to stay and look, but all of a sudden, he hears the disturbing >hhhssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss< from all directions except the garage exit, and multiple red LED displays are showing the disturbing words "TARGET ACQUIRED, COUNTING DOWN FROM 5".

When Leandro steps back from the trolley, the garage door closes, and the kill-bot that was outside is now showing a friendly green LED showing "THANK YOU. HERE'S YOUR TIP" and an arm is extended, with a 2 pound note attached to the end.

Inside the building, at a redesigned mission control, a man is looking at the CCTV camera's with a disturbingly satisfied grin on his face, the main screen is showing a self-propelled trolley with a plastic bag and a 6-pack of lager moving around the building on its way to mission control. Upon leaving the garage, it passes the heatsensors. Good, only the plastic bag on top are showing heat (apart from the recognised battery and engine of course). The trolley is allowed to enter the elevator, while the main screen is now showing the camera's inside, above and below the elevator. The elevator doors open, the trolley exits and steadily makes its way to mission control, while the elevator plummets to the ground floor at enough speed to make sure anything at the bottom of the elevator shaft will not be able to escape and will be crushed, but not fast enough to self-destruct,

Seconds later, the trolley passes the mission control door and continues to a small but heavily enforced door, it opens automagically and the trolley enters a small room, just big enough for it and the contents on its tray. The small door closes, and >WOOOSH< is heard inside the room, a decent amount of CO2 is released to expell the oxygen (Halon was tested before, but it added a funny taste to the food). After a couple of minutes a second door opens, allowing the trolley to finally enter mission control.

"Aaaah, tzatziki and beer, what a way to start a weeks work. Now all I need to do is to find a way to keep my food warm, while still being able to detect any people trying to enter the building using the trolley."

BOFH: Gosh, IPv5? Why didn't I think of that? Say, how do you like the new windows in here? Take a look. Closer...



Proper planning of events about to occur, and knowledge of how long it takes for all staff to gather in the proper meeting room in order to have everybody see the head of accounting's passing...

BOFH: Oh, go on, let's flush all that legacy tech down the toilet


Re: Outsourced?

That'll be the next episode of course.


Re: "an ongoing revenue stream"

All, may I please remind you all that today is INTERNATIONAL BEER DAY.

So if you don't mind, I'm off to the pub. And if you do mind, I'm still off to the pub.


BOFH: What's Near Field Implementation? Oh, you'll see. Turn left here


BOFH really is becoming more userfriendly

He even admits it himself....

This guy would've been given the near field implementation after his third keyboard back in 1998.....

BOFH: Bye desktop, bye desk. Hello tablet and a beanbag on the floor

Thumb Up

Re: re: Dutchmen and profit

You just hit the nail on the head......


Ow, any proper Dutch will sell you anything at anytime and any place.

If there's money to be made, a Dutchmen will try it. If you could convince a Dutchmen that there's profit in selling freezers to people living in Lapland, he would pack a truck full of freezers and be on the Øresund Bridge within 8 hours.

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Re: the Belgians

My sincere apologies for the generalization of you and your fellow country(wo)men.

How could I forget that a lot of (but most like far from all of them) Belgians prefer the Burgundian lifestyle, which includes a lot more spirits then just Beer....

I was amazed when I visited McD in Antwerp that they actually serve cans of Jupiler......


It's beer 'o clock somewhere, so no excuses there.

My southern neighbours (the Belgians) usually start beer 'o clock 5 seconds after they go for lunch on Friday....

BOFH: State of a job, eh? Roll the Endless Requests for Further Information protocol


Is Simon himself trapped in the system?

I was kind of hoping for a Christmas party story, or a 'look what happened during the Christmas holiday' story, but nothing.

Is his new story stuck in TheRegisters approval system??


Re: This shows

That link will surely keep me busy for the remainder of the afternoon :)


Re: This shows

I've been in IT for 20+ years, and have been reading the BOFH stories since I first learned of his existence. Also, I dove back into the archives ( http://bofh.bjash.com/index.html ) to make sure that I learnt as much as possible.

However, even with this vast experience and re-reading the archives, also for me, there are things I must learn. Right now, I'm trying to automate my messaging system based on https://github.com/NARKOZ/hacker-scripts :).



Although it is a realistic description of many of the chatbots that are around (keep asking questions, and suddenly provide no solution whatsoever), I am slightly underwhelmed by this semi-annual BOFH post, I would've hoped for at least 3 casualties, a cattle prod, a slippery staircase, an open window, the HALON going off, and some pieces of carpet being dragged.....

That being said, finally BOFH/Simon is back, and we really needed a new story, so I'll drink to that!

BOFH: Is everybody ready for the meeting? Grab a crayon – let's get technical


Re: New Episode?

I got tired of checking the site every now and then, so I just subscribed to the RSS feed. That way, I can feel the disappointment on a regular interval without even having to visit the website itself.


Receding hair line

Naah, I have the problem that people were joking about my receding hairline since I was 18 (24 years ago). The people that were joking me back then are all bald now, while my hairline is still receding (but veeeeerrrry slowly).

So for this measurement to work, Simon would need to stop with his stories for at least 2 years, which is not a good idea.

In the mean time, I'll just put on a little John Waite - Missing you, since I'm obviously in denial and/or in a rehab clinic.


Is there anybody out there??

Hello BOFH?

Is there anybody in there?

Just write if you can hear me.

Is there anyone at home?

Come on, now,

I hear you're feeling down.

Well you can ease my pain

Get me on my feet again.


I'll need a new story first.

Just the basic facts.

Can you show me why it's quiet?

BOFH: Halon is not a rad new vape flavour


Playing Command and Conquer or Quake al night long in your bedroom, without any lights on.

Except of course for that 17 inch CRT which you bought for a LOT of money....


Sales assh****, Locked office, Halon and windows to choose from

Doesn't get any better then this!

Glad to have you back at your old level Simon.


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