* Posts by Chairman of the Bored

909 posts • joined 19 Apr 2017


Imagine a fiber optic cable that can sense it's about to be dug up and send a warning

Chairman of the Bored

Yes, you can influence events 10km away

The BOFH solution would be to co-locate segments of detonating cord along your fiber path. Combined with some electronic safe/arm devices, slappers, and an occasional booster + main charge to keep things exciting you can defend your cable.

"If I can't have a cable, you can't have that 'effen backhoe blade!!"

Bonus - after a few shots it's unlikely you will have idiots trying to tap the cable, too.

Get ready to make processes fit the software when shifting to SAP's cloud, users told

Chairman of the Bored


Why does this remind me of humor from Soviet times?

Q: How are we shaping the new socialist man?

A: With airplane seats that distort him in impossible ways

84-year-old fined €250,000 for keeping Nazi war machines – including tank – in basement

Chairman of the Bored


On this side of the pond, just grow some facial hair, wear a baseball cap, and call yourself an ammosexual. All will be well.

Florida Man sues Facebook, Twitter, YouTube for account ban

Chairman of the Bored

Florida Man suffers electile dysfunction

That is all.

Study finds crayfish treated with antidepressants become more outgoing, adventurous

Chairman of the Bored

Easy solution

Put the predators on THC. They will pass on the prawns and go for the crisps..

Realizing this is getting out of hand, Coq mulls new name for programming language

Chairman of the Bored

Much Ado about nothing

Shakespeare would be appalled at this Coq-up.

Arguably the greatest writer in English, Shakespeare demonstrated mastery of double entendre in all his works, but the title of Much Ado About Nothing is perhaps a triple entendre. "Noting" and "Nothing" had quite simimal pronunciations in his day. "Noting" or carefully observing others' behaviors would lead the main characters far astray. "Nothing" foreshadows the silliness of the conflict to come. "Nothing" was also slang for lady parts ...

Yes, Signor Mountando has indeed returned from the wars...

FBI paid renegade developer $180k for backdoored AN0M chat app that brought down drug underworld

Chairman of the Bored

Makes me think about a police Lt I knew...

...I asked him about some of our local organized criminals and whether they would walk sometimes when everyone knew they are dirty. His answer was along the lines of:

'Hell yeah! But you kiss them goodbye. Say, "You know what, buddy? You're right - we can't keep you. But I will make abso-fucking-lutely certain every swinging dick on the street know how HELPFUL you've been to me. Have a nice life, if you can. GTFO."

I wonder if some admin was less than forthcoming and his "cooperation" is overrated. Pour encourager les autres.

That thing you were utterly sure would never happen? Yeah, well, guess what …

Chairman of the Bored

Probably apocryphal yet amusing

Back when I worked for the worlds largest operator of grey-painted ships and nuclear subs, we had a senior developer who told a story (*):

A certain early build of a surface ship combat system had a training mode that would simulate threats to provide operators with realistic displays they might see on a bad day. When under antiship missile attack, when the raid impacted the defended point an ASCII pic of a donkey would show up on console, along with the phrase "kiss your ass goodbye". That somehow made it onto a platform and the CO was ... Surprisingly amused.

(*) What's the difference between a fairy tale and a sea tale? The fairy tale starts with "Once upon a time", and the sea tale begins with "There I was..."

Flying dildo poses a slap in the face for serious political debate

Chairman of the Bored

Is that a dong on a drone?

The correct answer to that question is, "Roger, todger."

Royal Yacht Britannia's successor to cost about 1 North of England NHS IT consultancy framework

Chairman of the Bored

Will it be used for...

Navel exploration and offshore drilling?

Looking for clams?

Lessons have not been learned: Microsoft's Modern Comments leave users reaching for the rollback button

Chairman of the Bored

Re: "Modern Commenting"

Mechanical thumper? Wang Cares!

Linux laptop biz System76 makes its first foray into the mechanical keyboard world with dinky, hackable Launch

Chairman of the Bored

Re: Model M

The new Model M looks fantastic!

But what's this about PS/2 and USB ports? Everyone knows a real keyboard uses a full size DIN connector. Something that looks like it was been from a solid block of black plastic by German craftsmen, surrounded by metal that looks like it's been stamped from only semi-refined ore.

Colonial Pipeline was looking to hire cybersecurity manager before ransomware attack shut down operations

Chairman of the Bored

Re: Gold Waterfall?

I thought that, too. I also wondered if I am supposed to recall the golden shower Donald Trump [allegedly] got in Mother Russia.

If so, hats off the the bloke who came up with the Gold Waterfall handle. I have respect!

Open-source JavaScript project Babel 'running out of money' after employing paid maintainers, sponsors pull out

Chairman of the Bored

Commits... what an asinine metric!

Not all commits are created equal! Reminds me of paying people based on lines of code



* Or

* Boilerplate

* Comments nobody

* Reads



As a chief hardware engineer, I can measure the commits I've done in the last decade on one hand, but I feel my strongly nonzero salary is nonetheless justified...

Preliminary report on Texas Tesla crash finds Autosteer was 'not available' along road where both passengers died

Chairman of the Bored

Warning fatigue

Not relevant to the two Texans purging themselves from the gene pool, but I noticed something about me and my car's level 2 automation that's all too familiar in an IT context-

Toyota Safety Sense 2.5 does a very good job helping with cruise control and lane keeping on interstate highways.

On secondary streets where drivers nose out into blind intersections whilst updating their fucking Facebook status, I very deliberately swerve toward the other side of the road, and the safety system provides firm (yet easily overridden) corrective force on the wheel plus some seriously loud beeping.

Constant beeping leads to alert fatigue, which leads to disabling the system. Not sure how many drivers will dig through the menu tree to disable the beep versus just disabling the entire system with a single button press and lose some of the benefits of the automation.

Russian cyber-spies changed tactics after the UK and US outed their techniques – so here's a list of those changes

Chairman of the Bored

Re: Stupid mistake is a CRIME -- Here's the cure.

14. I didn't know I was drunk at the time

Former Senator and one-time astronaut Bill Nelson named as NASA's new administrator

Chairman of the Bored

The one time in my life I wish I were a Senator

My question for the nominee would be:

Mr. Nelson, I'd like to address Artemis, Constellation, or whatever the name will be tomorrow. What is your specific plan for getting your ship together? The taxpayer is getting tired of this ship.

Watchdog 'enables Tesla Autopilot' with string, some weight, a seat belt ... and no actual human at the wheel

Chairman of the Bored

Re: How is this news?

Upvote for Blues Brothers reference!

To have one floppy failure is unlucky. To have 20 implies evil magic or a very silly user

Chairman of the Bored

Three ball bearings

I understand making products that are Marine resistant. I was told that "Sailor proof is different!"


"If you give a sailor three ball bearings and check on them the next day, one will be missing. One will be broken. One will be pregnant.

For blinkenlights sake.... RTFM! Yes. Read The Front of the Machine

Chairman of the Bored

Re: Communicating with only obscenities?

That's fucking brilliant!

Chairman of the Bored

Communicating with only obscenities?

1) The amount of information your drill instructor can convey using only screamed obscenities is truly staggering. It's a wonder I can even pee in a parabolic arc anymore without someone screaming, "That fucking thing is so small, why the fuck do you need to use your hand?"

2) I had a piece of equipment RMA'ed back to the States from somewhere hot and sandy. The only documentation was the spray paint on the side of the crate: "WTF assholes? This POS is NFG"

Feature bloat: Psychology boffins find people tend to add elements to solve a problem rather than take things away

Chairman of the Bored

I think the authors missed some irony-

Writing a paper asserting people are hardwired to create more complexity, while working in a field in which your worth is measure by the number of papers one writes.

Back to my day job of creating more product...

We are all hamsters on the wheel, my friends.

How to ensure your tech predictions catch on in a flash? Do the mash

Chairman of the Bored

Jackie Chan kung-fu fighting scenes...

...set to heavy metal. Or soft classical.

You're welcome!

Airline software super-bug: Flight loads miscalculated because women using 'Miss' were treated as children

Chairman of the Bored

Re: 11 stone..

Air conditioning? Nope, I owned a Ford.

Imagine your data center backup generator kicks in during power outage ... and catches fire. Well, it happened

Chairman of the Bored

Re: A feeling of impending boom

Indeed! Even without the energetic nature of O2, a failure would be spectacular... I was near a 10,000 liter dewar of LN2 that experienced fracture of a large liquid line. All hell broke loose, and I left the area like Usain Bolt

Chairman of the Bored

Re: A feeling of impending boom

@Eclectic Man, I'm quite happy that you were able to attend George Porter's lecture and meet the gentleman. That sounds like an outstanding evening. Sadly I do not have a copy of his Christmas lectures, I'm more or a sparky than chemist.

Back when I was in the service, though, we were shown a grainy, B&W video on the "Dangers of LOX". One thing I will never get out out of my head is a quick clip of a man stepping in a puddle of LOX. The oils on his shoes flashed over and I presume he died from horrific burns. It looked like his clothes, skin, everything flashed over when he fell down. Lots of LOX shipboard. My take away was "never mess with that stuff".

Chairman of the Bored

A feeling of impending boom

I happened to observe something at my local hospital that gave me a feeling of impending boom: a Caterpillar Mobile Power trailer installed adjacent to a rather massive liquid oxygen tank. The power cables run right next to the tank.

MP vans are typically 500-625kW and have enough fuel inside to run 24+ hours.

The good news is that this whole assembly is roughly 100m from the hospital building proper. But then, given several thousand liters of LOX, I'm not sure that matters.

Reported the problem of course. Not sure if anything happened.

Facebook says dump of 533m accounts is old news. But my date of birth, name, etc haven't changed in years, Zuck

Chairman of the Bored

Re: Time for the usual security advice

Using your congressman's phone number to catch all the phish? You are a gentleman and a scholar. Have a pint!

Ship stranded in Suez Canal shifts, but not before spawning some choice tech memes

Chairman of the Bored

First words the captain said when oranges?

Oh, ship!

Samsung spruiks Galaxy Buds Pro performance as comparable to hearing aids

Chairman of the Bored

Re: Shop around.

I wonder how much my birth control glasses provided by Uncle Sam cost the government? Production couldn't have been more than 50 cents, but I wonder what the Pentagon shelled out...

SAP exec reminds the world that Microsoft is a customer

Chairman of the Bored

A useful turn of phrase

My boss invented the term "craptivity"

Craptivity is a state of being for those using an software and systems that are so crap and unfit for purpose that they suck in all available resources. The firm spends so much treasure and talent keeping the business alive - despite the crap - that no resources are available to talk procure a better solution.

At the time we were in a state of craptivity, at the hands of SAP

Ministry of Defence tells contractors not to answer certain UK census questions over security fears

Chairman of the Bored


I know a chap who served in the special forces who would summarize his occupation with some subtlety:

"I'm a physical fitness expert. I enjoy long walks in the woods and exploring mountains and caves. I enjoy walking on beaches at night, after the moon has set."

Don't be a fool, cover your tool: How IBM's mighty XT keyboard was felled by toxic atmosphere of the '80s

Chairman of the Bored

When using a keyboard condom...

...does it take longer to do a proper job because of the loss of sensation?

Jailed Samsung boss accused of abusing Propofol aka ‘the milk of amnesia’ or 'the drug that killed Michael Jackson'

Chairman of the Bored

A telescope of unusual size

Just before the anesthesiologist hit me with milk of amnesia, he directed my attention to the tray on which the colonoscopy endoscope sat. I was shocked at the length of the instrument, and the last thing the doc said before I dropped was, "Check out that telescope! It's big enough to see your anus..." Between that and the drugs I awakened laughing my ass off.

Boeing successfully flies unmanned autonomous military 'wingman' aircraft that may become pilot's buddy

Chairman of the Bored

I thought...

...the purpose of a wingman was to run interference for me in the bar. How does this work if it's unmanned?

Linus Torvalds went six days without electricity, swears smaller 5.12 kernel is co-incidental

Chairman of the Bored

A useful project

A guy in my local Ham radio club built an extremely useful piece of kit-

It's a steel hand cart with about 75kg of sealed lead-acid batteries, a decent inverter, 20A or so of 5V USB ports, and Power Pole connectors for radios. Above the batteries there is space to store a few sq meters of solar panels. Naturally you can charge everything off of mains as well.

It takes up very little floor space standing upright in his garage, but is relatively easy to transport and move around. Large soft tires so one can move it across the ground.

That cart has helped quite a few people!

The Fat iPhone, 11 years on: The iPad's over a decade old and we're still not sure what it's for

Chairman of the Bored

Outstanding telework tool

For non-critical meetings where you are required to attend but needn't truly participate, it is fine to prop up the iPad underneath your large, widescreen monitor - which is ergonomically elevated to eye level.

Then you can perform tasks on your real computer without having to switch windows back and forth. Actually joining the meeting takes only a stab or two at the glass under the monitor. If you have to keep a camera on, the audience will believe you are looking at the meeting device whilst you actually work on your computer.

Would I pay my own money for this use case? No. But my employer provides the tablet...

I was targeted by North Korean 0-day hackers using a Visual Studio project, vuln hunter tells El Reg

Chairman of the Bored

NK Missed a trick

Personally I'd prefer my cover name to be Hugh G. Willy.

But to each their own, I guess.

Tesla axes software engineer for allegedly pilfering secret Python scripts after just three days on the job

Chairman of the Bored


I question the investigator's tactics - supervising destruction of evidence? Tampering with a material witness? Seriously?

It sounds like they had enough information from their security software to get an emergency injunction. Given that document Microsoft could freeze the Dropbox account and archive relevant log files. Then you file a criminal complaint, which would spawn a search warrant. Then you grab the employee's computer, the Dropbox, everything.

Doing anything else does not maximize ones chances in court.

Bye-bye Bridenstine: Outgoing chief leaves NASA in good shape, though Boots on Moon by '24 goal looks doubtful

Chairman of the Bored

Bridenstine's marching orders?

From Netflix's Space Force, referring to a tweet from the President:

He calls for "boobs on the moon," but they're pretty sure he means "boots on the moon.

Back to the office with you: 'Perhaps 5 days is too much family time' – Workday CEO

Chairman of the Bored

One great benefit to WFH

One of my teammates has an aggressive degenerative bone disease that has, over a limited time span, transformed him from a reasonably athletic man to one who is wheelchair bound.

He says that when contributing in a WFH status, he feels "whole" again. Clients and staff see his contributions, not his disability.

This is a small silver lining, but at this point we need whatever victories we can find.

Boeing confirms last 747 to roll off production line in 2022

Chairman of the Bored

So long!

It will be decades before the last 747 makes a final approach and landing, but that date is definitely moving closer.

While I am glad that newer designs are more economically and environmentally sound, I must admit the 747 is one hell of an engineering feat.

Plus, it looks absolutely stunning.

I will miss long flights between Frankfurt to Washington, drinking whatever beer Lufthansa has on offer.

That's it. It's over. It's really over. From today, Adobe Flash Player no longer works. We're free. We can just leave

Chairman of the Bored

Re: "hoping no one ever creates software as insecure as that ever again"

Aye, drink up and you will feel better.

Same drill on the left side of the pond. We had to do a year's worth of mandatory training in one week, as th Flash sunset would have otherwise precluded completion.

I use the royal "we" because I paid my kids to take some of it for me...

Microsoft adds Breakout functionality to Teams that Zoom has had for ages – and people still don't like it

Chairman of the Bored

Of course I don't bloody like it

Fact is, like many people I'm stuck in group gropes involving several dozen people for hours at a time. So, I run these on my tablet and turn down the volume to a level just sufficient to hear my name being called, and fix my attention on my large monitors so I can catch up on email. Meetings become a blessing because nobody calls me on the phone ... I've got the perfect excuse for not answering every ping: I'm "in" a meeting.

But it you put me in a breakout room with a handful of people, I'm forced to participate while the emails stack up...

A tale of two nations: See China blast off from the Moon as drone shows America's Arecibo telescope falling apart

Chairman of the Bored

How far we have fallen...

See title

Don’t panic, but five jet drones just used their AI to chat and collaborate while in flight

Chairman of the Bored

Did they chat?

Of course! The AI was trained by fighter pilots.

And how do you know a fighter pilot is in the room? Don't worry about it, within 20 seconds he will undoubtedly announce his presence.

My daughter asked one time: "Imagine a vegan fighter pilot who does cross-fit. Which is he going to tell you about first? Or will he explode trying to figure out which piece of awesomeness to push first?"

Microsoft engineer thinking ahead? Troubleshooter doc for Active Directory references 'Florida Retirement System'

Chairman of the Bored

Probably an intern

And a first-year intern at that. By the second year I expect my interns to create new terms of art with amusing acronyms. When I look at an interns worth, I have some standards:

-10 points if EEO gets excited

-5 points if we've seen it before "Software Hardware Integration Task" Again? Sigh.

-2 points if it's lame or leet

+1 point if it elicits a chortle

+2 points for double entendre

+10 points if passes the chortle test and makes it past the tech editor

AWS boss calls for racial justice, slams enterprise rivals, unveils a raft of real and promised services

Chairman of the Bored

I wonder...

Had the election gone the other way, would Jassy have had the balls to call for justice?

'We've heard the feedback...' Microsoft 365 axes per-user productivity monitoring after privacy backlash

Chairman of the Bored

Constant surveillance

I survived a manager who weighed one but the kilo of briefs and emails sent. Every day saw another half hour to 45min justifying ones existence.

When one lady was called on the carpet in front of the entire team to explain why she only sent a few emails over two days, she exploded, "I've been writing the fscking proposals that bring in the money that pays for all this bullshit!"... Long pause... "Can you prove it?"

Happy ending though: our team was so successful our sociopathic leader was promoted to senior executive. Up, up, and away!



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