* Posts by Douglas Norton

14 posts • joined 14 Aug 2007

F*ck you, thunders disgruntled fanboi Apple user

Douglas Norton
Alien

There's a Linux penguin, a fanboi, and a Windows luser in a plane, and

the pilot says, we're carrying too much weight, one of you has got to go, and the fanboi says, well, I can't jump because...

I am so full of hot air I am actually reducing the weight of the plane. I've ssh'ed into the plane's systems, downloaded the engine management systems byte code into my jailbroken iPad and I am modifying it to increase the thrust, get more lift from the wings and save us all.

The Penguin's eye glazed over has he had heard all this before, many many times, and new it would take several attempts to never quite reach the utopia the fanboi was presenting, complete with animated transitions, in his keynote.

Luser too committed to deliver all this and more, next Tuesday, and set about asking all his fellow passengers for an extra $249 to upgrade to the Ultimate package where he promised airplanes would never crash again.

That was when DoJ and FTC jumped up from their seats at the back of the plane, helped themselves to a nice chunk of the money Luser was about pocket, laughed openly at the penguin knowing he would never convince anyone of his abilities and unceremoniously shutdown the fanboi, grabbed him by the scruff of his black turtleneck sweater and threw him out the door.

BOFH: Weapon of choice

Douglas Norton

Weapon of Choice

Had that tune in my head as I read this, now Hammer Time, great stuff.

BOFH: A spot of bother

Douglas Norton
Grenade

How dare you

I had to be somewhere five minutes ago, and now I am late because I just had to read this. bastards.

BOFH: Snout, meet trough

Douglas Norton
Paris Hilton

1.4 BOFH/month ratio

Isn't it obvious, Simon's weak BOFH output is down to him spending far to much time watching the bouncing tennis girl, and the prospect of fresh beaver in Scotland.

(Paris because her jubs don't bounce)

BOFH: Spontaneous Legal Combustion

Douglas Norton
Alien

Comments 5a, pt.II, paragraphs 7-9

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Paris Hilton cavorts naked in middle of desert

Douglas Norton
Stop

Babycham reborn..

.. for chavs, of which P.H. is most certainly the prime example.

So, will FireCrotch be pitching Cinzano in a tetrapak, with a straw.

BOFH: The bastard wants to know

Douglas Norton
Go

Not a shredder in sight

This morning PFY is industriously re-virginizing the third of seven bricked iPhones he bought from eBay.

"Good idea of yours." This is a begrudging admission, I should of thought of it myself. "Those phones will be great for sweetening a few deals."

"I am going to give one to that new PA upstairs." The PFY is grinning at his blatant innuendo, "I think I am in with a chance there."

Having failed to make first base with the very same PA the previous evening, I think not. I am about to offer to swap an iPhone for her mobile phone number, but just as I open my mouth to speak, there is a scraping sound from the door to Mission Control.

The scraping is generated by the half dozen boxes of fanfold paper intentionally blocking the door, our early warning system. The simplest are the best.

"Houston, we have a problem!". PFY scurries to hide his endeavours with a couple of ITIL manuals.

"Hi, Boss." Perfectly faking his innocence, PFY ingratiates himself using all the skill's I've taught him.

"I want you to set up this questionnaire. Put in on a web site and get everyone to fill it in."

The Boss is not in the mood for idle conversation. He crashed and burned with the same PA.

"No worries, I'll set it up for the day after tomorrow, Friday afternoon" promises PFY.

"Why Friday afternoon?, can't you do it sooner."

"Well no-one is doing any real work then, so they might as well use that time for filing this in."

"We have a server side plug-in just made for questionnaires." My turn to get some credit. "We can use that."

"OK, I do not need the results until Monday, just make sure it's done by then." Half satisfied, the Boss wanders off and we replace the early warning boxes. PFY ssh's into his fourth iPhone.

"What's that questionnaire all about?"

"Dunno, I'll take a look.". I flip over the cover sheet to reveal the nastiness below. "Crap, crap and double crap!"

"It's all about departmental performance. Personnel, Accounts etc. It even includes IT Support."

"What are you so worried about? We have not done anything wrong, lately." PFY does not seem to appreciate the gravity of the situation. "Our critics seem to be accident prone, they are all on sick leave."

"This is a prelude to penalizing any under performers. This could be bad for us, or more importantly you."

"I see." PFY now appreciates my concern. "You mean we could be downsized."

"Yep, last in, first out - and that's you."

Actually, I am more concerned than I am letting on. This could be bad for me too. PFY does most of the work. My speciality is supervision.

"Don't get so stressed." PFY has a plan, Thankfully I know that look. I just need to work this to my advantage.

"Spill it." I think I know what he is about to suggest here, but I want him to believe it was his idea.

"Well, we'll set up the questionnaire with the answers in different locations for different people, so that if someone answer mostly 'A's. well swap the answers after the fact. We can put the answers we want in the 'A' position, and match that questionnaire with their answers, and so on and so forth."

"Sweet." My hunch was right. I'll let him run with it a little more.

"We will need to be careful so that we do not come out shining too brightly, but we can make sure our performance is better than the rest."

"Excellent. Set this up and I'll make it worth your while." Now to go in for the kill. "By the way, I have the mobile number for that new PA upstairs, is it worth anything to you?"

Kiwi brewery offers lifetime's beer for stolen laptop

Douglas Norton
Coat

I'll name him right here

Chances are he's Australian, so I'll name him Bruce.

Now where's my beer, and my coat.

Did MoD chopper buzz sunbathing au pair?

Douglas Norton
Happy

Low enough to blow her clothes off

Who said she was wearing any clothes in the first place?

BOFH: In search of the lazy atom

Douglas Norton

The real story

So there is all this preamble about lazy atoms, and then right at the end P.F.Y. confesses to having Angela in his car and being drunk and then what?

Dish the dirt guys, don't string us on for two and a half pages and then leave us hanging.

That's as bad as the old Doctor Who episodes --- at least _they_ have stopped that now.

Mystery SNAFU exposes email logins for 100 foreign embassies (and counting)

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iRobot unveils new Roomba auto-vacuums

Douglas Norton

You have to give them a name

Mine's called Matilda as a tribute to the bot on Robot Wars. She works like a charm, cleans 1400sq ft of carpet twice a week, needs emptying every other week. Sometimes (60%) she finds her way back to her charging station, rest of the time she seems to run out under the bed - its always under the bed, never in the middle of the room, go figure.

Making the move to the Mac

Douglas Norton

Xcode - lowercase 'c' please

There's this guy at Apple who will correct people who post to Apple's discussion lists when they write XCode.

I would recommend anyone interested in Mac programming to visits lists.apple.com and sign up for the Cocoa list (lot of traffic, sometimes daunting so stick with it), and the Xcode list.

Apple head-hunters reveal Australia, UK store plans

This post has been deleted by a moderator

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