Posts by Hot Diggity

BOFH: Saving the planet, one falsified metric at a time

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

Down here, we have a ditch instead of a pond. Which now that I think about it, probably explains a few things when it comes to BOFH body disposal

BOFH: Recover a database from five years ago? It's as easy as flicking a switch

5 year old database?

I can dream of such a young database. I'm supporting databases that are over 20 years old running on an OS that was first released in 2000.

At least the hardware is new though. The beauty of virtualisation

BOFH: HR discovers the limits of vertical mobility

Moving up in the world

The poor Head of HR thought that he was moving up in the world, but it always gets a bit sticky between levels 5 and 6. Especially after a few days without a crow bar to facilitate escape

BOFH: It's 4ft tall, heavyset, has optional fax. No they didn't take the toner!

Re: A4 or Letter?

Must be handy. Kilojewels, megajewels. Much higher energy than measuring in carrots

BOFH: Deepfake or just an idiot? We'll need an audit to confirm

My company-provided mobile is a Samsung. Every week or so it seems me a notification to agree to it's updated tend and conditions.

As I don't trust Samsung in the slightest, I just discard the notification and everything continues as normal until the next notification.

Samsung appear to have not thought of the possibility of someone not accepting the updated terms and conditions

Security as a service

Service with a smile, that becomes more and more sincere the longer the phone call lasts.

BOFH: Peeling back the layers of the magic banana industrial complex

Re: And then...

An Apple implementation of the Banana standard can only resemble a fruit salad which will soon become the basis for a trifle

And then...

Microsoft will implement its slightly differing implementation of the Magic Banana Standard which will convert banana splits into banana s***s and it's all downhill from there

BOFH: HR tries to think appy thoughts

Re: Once again, the BOFH wins hands down

I can feel a "There's been a terrible accident" about to be uttered, as the truck collecting the skip accidentally makes HR sauce due to the phone owners being do anxious to retrieve their phones that they forget to look both ways before crossing the road

BOFH: Have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot?

I definitely need new glasses

I read that as

The Boss is peeing over my shoulder

which gave an interesting slant to the rest of the tale.

My bugbear is progress indicators that show 100%. If it's 100% then the update is finished and the device should be either rebooting or now available for use not still showing the progress indicator

BOFH: How to innosplain your way through an audit

Re: Innosplains of daily adventures

When I saw the word innosplain, I assumed it was a contraction of innocent explanation. I'm always telling the auditors each year that there is an innocent explanation. I just need a bit of time to provide the logs.

BOFH: The devil's in the contract details

The view

"I think you might be able to see your office from here!"

No? Perhaps if we try from the balcony, rather than through this dirty window which is smeared with hand prints, and what appears to be dried blood but is probably just a sun-dried tomato...

BOFH: Don't threaten us with a good time – ensure it

Re: The Generation Game

The problem is that sometimes they baffle me.

Genuine question that a company I once worked for was asked by auditors - Do you have TCP?

After a very long pause wondering why this would ever be asked - Yes

The person asking just had no idea at all what questions would have been relevant to ask or how they should be worded.

We have annual audits and yes, attempting to baffle them is the only enjoyable part of that process.

There is always another question to answer.

After a while, I extend my response time to add long as possible knowing that the due date for the audit completion is coming up and they need to submit their findings by that date.

BOFH: The Boss pulled the plug on our AI, so we pulled the pin on him

Sun

"For instance, in this printer problem, the database will know that it can discard all the Sun Workstation information from the mid '90s"

Crikey, I'm old. I'm still supporting print queues on Sun servers and I don't think they are being decommissioned any time soon

BOFH: The Boss is right, the applications of AI are truly staggering

Is it the Arch Window?

Bosses

The bosses seem to get greener and greener. Spending half an hour alone in the easiest place for the PFY and BOFH to booby trap. Tut tut.

If the new boss is any greener, they will start to reverse climate change.

BOFH: It's not generative AI at all, it's degenerate AI

Nice and unspecific. So pusher can easily upskill from buttons to 'people down the stairs' if anyone gets re-employed in the future

Best of luck

Director: "Oooh, I have a new email. Let me agree to these terms and conditions first. "

Now there are only two employees.

BOFH: Smells like Teams spirit

Loose

The door handle isn't the only thing that is loose.

BOFH: I get locked out, but I get in again

Re: PFY's responsibilities

It's a great day when HR contracts mention namagenemt instead of management. Especially when an AI audio bot has to attempt to pronounce it.

Some of the servers I look after do a lot of swapping. I didn't realise that there were two kinds. Namagenemt may wonder about the increase of swapping entered into my timesheets from now on.

While we fire the boss, can you lock him out of the network?

Re: Likewise ...

Well the World series does also include Canada so it's slightly international.

Apparently the World series was named after the New York World newspaper rather than because it was an international competition.

BOFH: We've made a big mesh, Boss. That's what you wanted, right?

Re: Ahhhh the

Surely having current wills just increases the number of people who want you dead?

BOFH: What a beautiful tinfoil hat, Boss!

Blockers

I seem to recall that The Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy had a pair of glasses that became opaque at the first sign of danger.

Not conducive to a long life span, but then everything these days seems to be bad for us.

Doh, I have sat on my tinfoil hat and there is a large crease in it. Anyone know if that affects it's ability to block, well, everything?

BOFH: You can be replaced by a robot or get your carbon footprint below Big Dave's

Re: Live From Network 23

Better Holly or Hilly than Mr Flibble.

BOFH: Good news, everyone – we're in the sausage business

Terrifying

My deep-held fear is that AI becomes as big a fan of BOFH as I am.

At that point, we're screwed.

BOFH: Ah. Company-branded merch. So much better than a bonus

Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

Today's idiot is tomorrow's wise guy.

BOFH takes a visit to retro computing land

It turns out that we all are. Sigh.

Oh to be in that put of despair. It would be weeks before I came out.

BOFH: We send a user to visit Kelvin – Keeper of the Batteries

Re: Evil,..... moi?

I heard of an apprentice who was asked to go to the hardware store and obtain a replacement bubble for the handyman's level.

He was gone a good few hours.

Re: Not if Kekvin dishes out the straws

Yes obviously.

Otherwise the pages of the book get wet.

BOFH: I care a lot ... about onion bhajis

Re: Famous

I worked with a colleague once who once stated, "I have worked with many famous people, most of whom are now dead."

Behind his back he was nicknamed Psycho Killer.

Re: Pints all around!

And an additional advantage is that there is no need for change control and all those annoying approvals to obtain.

It's now an incident.

Ssh Window

Is that a noiselessly opening window next to where HR just happen to venture a little too close to the view?

BOFH: Generating a report the Director can show the Board – THIS is what AI was made for

Hey, wait a minute!

Did ChatGPT just write this episode?

If so, I'm going to spend a couple of minutes getting it to write the next 50 of them and then I'll have a perfect weekend.

BOFH and the case of the Zoom call that never was

Re: One Of The Best BOFHs Ever

To make the top 5, it just needed the addition of Gina.

BOFH: Come back to the office. Your hotdesk is nice and warm

Real Life

A couple of old decommissioned servers went missing from storage at a company I used to work for.

One of the staff (Let's call him Bob) )okingly suggested that we check eBay for them.

Another employee took him up on his suggestion and found them there being sold by a user alias that was obviously Bob's.

Bob in the meantime was frantically trying to remove them from eBay.

It took him about another year to find a new job.

BOFH: The Boss has a new watch – move readiness to DEFCON 2

Re: traffic light Problems in search of solutions

I'm hearing you on FM.

I was in love once. A Sinclair ZX81. People said, no, Holly, she's not for you. She's cheap, she's stupid and she wouldn't load, well, not for me anyway.

BOFH: Who us? Sysadmins? Spend time with other departments?

Re: "You need to listen to your users more" - Offsite Experts

Did you spend the ransom or is it wisely and untraceably invested?

BOFH: Would I lie to you, Boss?

Re: Missed opportunity

It's the boss. If his lips are moving, falsehood is being emitted. No detection necessary.

BOFH: Tech helps HR investigate the Boss's devices

Yay

"Oh, I was just doing that for the voice recording," I reply. "Now let's talk about my future meal expenses …"

Good news... Simon is taking us all out to lunch. Mauritius anyone?

BOFH: Where do you think you are going with that toner cartridge?

Hmmmm

I suspect that this printer driver when encountering Windows is about to see the Blue Screen of Death.

Just after a spectacular crash.

BOFH: Something's consuming 40% of UPS capacity – and it's coming from the beancounters' office

The security system

If they kill the security system, then the load everywhere will drop to zero.

The new zero cost computing paradigm. No power = no cost.

BOFH: The evil guide to upgrading switches

Choose Your Own Adventure

I think I am older than that Big Bang dust on the routers.

I loved the Choose Your Own Adventure books by Steve Jackson and Ian Livingstone back in the dark mists of time.

Thanks for that Simon. 40-odd years gone just like that.

BOFH: Gaming rig for your home office? Yeah right

Gut wrenching

"It could be that after us taking a look at it you might find it does suit your needs."

After Simon has gutted the laptop, it will likely be suitable for growing mustard and cress on the keyboard but little else. Hope that meets your current needs.

BOFH: On Wednesdays, we wear gloves

Re: Beyond 2000

Yes. Beyond 2000 was the reason I looked forward to Fridays as a kid.

These days it's because that is the day that a new BOFH episode arrives.

BOFH: What a beautiful classic car. Shame if anything were to happen to it

Deranged

The photo's all distorted!" the Boss says. "I look deranged."

No. That will be in about 15 minutes time with no distortion necessary.

BOFH: The vengeance bus is coming, and everybody's jumping. An Xmas bonus hits me…

Now wondering

I'm now wondering if you are studying your mother-in-law, or if she is studying you.

Hopefully the latter. Much more fun

BOFH: You drive me crazy... and I can't help myself

"Does this carpet pull up?" I ask.

Run Shannon, Run!!!!

BOFH: You. Wouldn't. Put. A. Test. Machine. Into. Production. Without. Telling. Us.

Justice must move quickly in your part of the world.

BOFH: Pass the sugar, Asmodeus, and let the meeting of the Fellowship of Bastards … commence

Re: The weedy bloke

I totally agree with you regarding SharePoint. At last count I had 4 different My Documents directories located all over the place and could never find the one I wanted.

Everything now lives in C:\Diggity.

BOFH: 'What's an NFT?' the Boss asks. In this case, 'not financially thoughtful'

NFTs

So an episode of BOFH is an NFT?