Posts by Mr Larrington

Want to leave work early? Torch a filing cabinet

Not onl;y that

It seems no-one in the USA has heard of the BOFH.

Nobel Prize winner on dodgy World Cup ball

Rob Green...

...has trained today; in 3 hours he had 4,000 shots fired at him and did not concede a single goal. Tomorrow, he and Heskey will train with the rest of the squad.

ID cards poster girl laments her £30

Snk!

I have about as much sympathy for this person as I would have for Benjamin Netanyahu, were I to hear that he had stubbed his toe.

Megan Fox exits Transformers 3

Noes!

"Fans of Michael Bay's Transformers"

What, BOTH of them?

Reg reader applauds World's Crappiest phish

Phish Phail

I had one this very morning, apparently from "Rt Hon David Cameron MP". It starts:

"I am The Rt Hon David Cameron MP,Prime Minister, First Lord of the Treasury and Minister for the Civil Service British Government."

OK, no arguments there. Posh Boy then says there's an ATM card with my name on it and two million quid on offer. I have asked Dave the Chameleon to leave it under the brown wheelie bin as the thought of passing my personal details to space peanut William Hague makes me feel slightly ill.

However, the thing which *really* makes me doubt its veracity is right at the bottom, where the message concludes:

"Regards,

The Rt Hon Gordon Brown MP

Prime Minister"

Oh dear...

Gov beats BOFHs to snatch worst-for-service crown

Yes indeedy

I needed to phone my GP the other day, so I jotted down the number from the NHS web site.

Number not in use.

Nice one.

Voting chaos in not-fit-for-purpose electoral system

Bah!

Those dribbling cretins have had THIRTEEN years to sort out the mess that is the British electoral system, but it takes until exit polls indicate that they're going to lose big-time before the likes of Lord Voldemort and Piers "Morgan" Moron come out and say so. I don't which is worse: the incompetence of this shower of dunces or having to go on record that Moron and I agree on something.

(Exit, pursued by a Bloke waving a Conservative Party membership application form)

One fifth of humans say aliens walk among us

It's true, though

Did you see the trousers Ian Poulter was wearing on the final day of the US Masters? No human would even think of doing that.

Tinfoil Condition Red! LHC 7 TeV mega-blasts today

Er, hang on

49% chance of blowing up teh entire wurldz but only 1% chance of laying waste to Geneva?

The boy's a fool.

Segway + motorbike = futuristic dorkmobile

Well...

At least you can sit down on this version. On the other hand, you can also sit down on a moped, which is half the price, twice as fast and doesn't require the services of Lembit Opik to dick around highlighting its dubious legality.

Loch Ness Stig blurred into oblivion

Oi! Google! No!

Hands off The Stig, you bounders!

Muso turfed off train for 'suspicious' set list

Eh?

Eddie Edwards wrote: "At least in the UK if you disobey a little hitler you know you're not going to be shot."

Unless you're a Brazilian electrician, obv. Were this to happen to me, I should be inclined to cite Arkell vs. Pressdram.

Argentinians invade Falkland Islands website

With what shall we kick them, dear Liza?

It's all very well to talk about Our Boys going down to the South Atlantic and giving Johnny Gaucho a good kicking, but Our Boys appear to be Involved in a Land War in Asia which doesn't look like ending any time soon (about 2050 would be my guess). BRITAIN does not, however, seem to be suffering from a shortage of jingoistic idiots, so perhaps conscription of empty-headed Daily Heil readers is an option worth pursuing.

Black helicopter borrowed from the US Marines.

Large Hadron Collider to fire up again next Thursday

Do wot?

If Osama bin Laden had a nuclear device, he wouldn't be selling it to some berk with a hang-up about Big SCIENCE, he'd be arranging for someone to deliver it through President Obambi's sitting-room window.

Labour MP denies calling Tories 'scum-sucking pigs' on Twitter

He's got form...

...at least according to Pickles, who says Wright once described Dave the Chameleon as a ‘horrible opportunistic scumbag.’ On Twitter.

One may find fault with Wright's honesty, but his judgement is spot-on.

Chris Morris jihad film good to go

Sundance

Heard on the wireless this morning that it will indeed be shown at Sundance. Morris has declined to give interviews but the consensus is that it will create a shitstorm of truly epic proportions.

Man Utd imposes social networking ban

And while we're at it...

"Stop people writing blogs, stop any letters to the local rag about the council's plans."

And bring an immediate halt to the heinous practice of commenting on El Reg during the hours of daylight?

We're I a Mank. Utd. foopballer, I should take great pleasure in telling The Mgt where to stick its pettifoggery.

Verity Stob's App Store

Outstanding!

Well up to the usual Stob Standard.

West Country pagans tie horses in knots

As any fule kno...

...it's not pagans, it's Queen Mab:

This is that very Mab

That plaits the manes of horses in the night,

And bakes the elflocks in foul sluttish hairs,

Which once untangled, much misfortune bodes

Romeo & Juliet, Act 1, scene iv.

UK etailer calls self 'the last place you want to go'

@AC

No, no! You go to a shop like Dixons, Comet, PC World etc. to compare and contrast specifications and then buy it on teh Intarwebs for 2/3 the price of any bricks'n'mortar shop.

A Deadlock Holiday

Well...

...I have no idea what La Stob was on about in that piece, but it didn't stop me laughing like a laughing thing. Yay for VS!

Thomas the Tank Engine drives 'conservative political ideology'

WTF?

Someone clearly has far too much time on their hands.

Brown launches 'Zip it, Block it, Flag it' net code for children

And then...

Teach them where best to leave it (train, car, pub etc.) such that it can be found by tabloid journalists or the Russian Secret Service.

There's a Muslim paedophile living under your child's bed! Vote Conservative!

Footie fans flock to clock 'Miss of the Century'

Hmm

Geoff Thomas' miss for England against France in 1992 takes some beating.

Write haiku, win home server

Right

Has anyone contacted noted haiku artiste and new President of the European Council Herman van Rompuy?

MS store staff in spontaneous electric boogie

Brad Slavin?

Get in the cannon.

Edward Woodward dies at 79

Bah Encore!

$DEITY has scored a Late Equalizer.

V-22 Osprey, stealth jumpjet 'need refrigerated landing pads'

I don't know whether to larff or cry

Oi! US Navy! You thick fucks!

I've got a mate who heads up a company making all sorts of exciting Stuffs for the US Military-Industrial Complex, and I bet he's rolling in hundred-dollar bills at this news.

The Prisoner set for Sunday release

Bah!

This sort of thing makes me want to reach for my Box of Stab™

Iraq launches tourism drive

I'll believe it...

...when Margaret Beckett takes her caravan to Basra and gets back in one piece.

'L33T' web defacer blames Durham police for Pakistani conflict

The boy's a fool

Surely is should be l33t haxor?

Ali Mani, UR L33T IS ZERO%

Governator in acrostic 'f**k you' outrage

Outstanding!

That is all.

Child porn threat to airport's 'virtual strip search' scanners

Bunch of arse

Two questions:

1. Will it catch an arse-bomber?

2. How many of the people complaining about this have ever photocopied their arse during the Christmas party?

Translation outfit seeks Glaswegian speakers

Simples

Sit 'em down with a big stack of early "Taggart" DVDs. In one week they'll be able to say "murrrrrrrrdah" with the best of them.

MoD pays quadruple in money + blood for Afghan helicopters

Hold on, lads...

...I've got an idea.

Instead of spending twenty billion sovs on "upgrading" Trident (What's wrong with the current version? No iPod connectivity?), a weapon system which we do not want, cannot use and are not certain how to operate, why not spend the cash on something useful, like schools, hospitals, helichopters which work etc. etc. Sorted.

Also the only common factors between the E21 BMW 3-series and the fifth-generation E90 model currently in production are the badge and the woeful lack of standard equipment, such as indicators.

Illinois bright spark sparks car inferno

Help!

I'm going to Chicago at the weekend. Should I pack fireproof grundies?

Kettle car breaks speed record

Mallard

It is, perhaps, worth noting that Mallard's record was set in one direction only and on a slight downgrade.

Plus it broke.

Hurrah!

Hurrah for the Great British Shed!

Yahoo! News confused on theft of Lego giraffe's todger

Is it...

...a tail or a no-tail, Edward?

Paris, coz she knows the difference.

YouTube injects cash into US F1 team

WTF?

I hope US F1's engineers are better at arithmetic than Hurley is. The last American team in F1 was Penske, which raced between 1974 and 1976. Moreover, they actually won a race - the 1976 Austrian GP with John Watson at the wheel.

Zombie plague analysed by Canadian maths prof

@Apocalypse Later

"the plague is socialism"

Where?

Stephen Hawking both British and not dead

@AC

"Iraq war $1T - 4330 Americans Dead - over 30,000 wounded. Reason: catch-Osama-but-he's-to-smart-for-you-dumb-shits-so-mission-waste-of-time."

Er, wrong war.

IRAQ is supposedly about weapons of mass destruction, or Saddam Hussein being a genocidal loon with a crap moustache and simply shocking taste in interior décor, and not at all about the world's second largest oil reserves, no sirree. Also, it's unwinnable.

AFGHANISTAN is supposedly about wiping out Moslem insaniacs who "we" would never in a million years approach with suitcases full of money in exchange for building pipelines from assorted former Soviet republics or supply with weapons to fight the Formidable Red Army. Also, it's unwinnable.

Martha Lane-Fox: No broadband, no citizenship

@Mike Richards

The Americans have need of the internet^w telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys.

Adobe tries to rub out LibDem airbrush claims

@Baying Lynch Mob

Adverts portraying reality? Next you'll be telling me that there really /are/ technically-adept Russian-accented meerkats out there.

IT grad sues school over failed job hunt

Dear Ms. Thompson

You will be delighted to learn that we have found you gainful employment. You start Monday.

Please bring your own bog brush.

Yours sincerely

Monroe College

No, I haven't got a degree. Just a temperature.

Blade Runner tops sci-fi movie poll

What utter cock!

The setting of a film somewhere other than Planet Earth doth not make it "sci-fi". Alien is a monster movie set on a spacecraft. And Star Wars is a western with lasers and spaceships instead of six-shooters and horses. These people need to get out more.

Oh, wait...

US Stealth bombers may get nuke-bunker nobbler for 2010

@Number6

"So if you've got some uranium or plutonium compounds stored inside the bunker and someone manages to penetrate it and blow the bloody doors off, isn't that going to result in toxic compounds being released to the atmosphere and harming the planet?"

Very probably. Now, remind me again of the last time the US Military-Industrial Complex actually /cared/ about That Sort Of Thing?

Swine flu will [enter scare words here]...

Nominative Determinism

I note with pleasure that the item on the BBC's "Breakfast" prog this morning, concerning the quarantining of BRITISH children by the authorities in Beijing, was fronted by Chris Hogg.

Pig flu promises holidays for all

Apparently

I need to dial 999 immediately and ask for an ambulance.

Wah!

UK tabloid in phone hacking probe

Yebbut...

...what worries me is not so much that the News Of The Screws is doing this - it's not so different from raking through dustbins or taking photographs of minor royals using a lens the size of a 155mm howitzer - but that the phone companies' security is so crap that even private eyes and Filthy Lying Journalist Scum can do it.