* Posts by PaulAb

131 publicly visible posts • joined 20 Oct 2015


GCHQ: Crypto's great, we're your mate, don't be like that and hate


Whos watching the watchers watching watchers

The snoop-boss, speaking to an audience at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in the US, said the industry's technical experts should help intelligence analysts crack crypto used by criminals.

Another barrel of bilge from the ministry of misnomers.

I suppose none of the 'Technical experts' are above a bit of blackmail I fully expect to read shortly that one of them is found to be a criminal also, can they resign or do they just disappear, who will these technical experts be?... Oh, they're employed by the government, well that's ok then, ....we can expect all the backdoors to be left on a memory stick on the London tube.

What a Fu** wit

Former Brit police IT boss cuffed over bribery allegations


Utterly Appalled...

I'm actually shocked. I always thought Cheif Constables got involved in anything only if National TV was going to be present, talking to IT just doesn't cut the mustard!

The West Mercia region is starved of National TV recognition and so I would like to put forward our IT director/manager for some crime so that our Chief constable can gain some valuable recognition (outside of his own home). I hear he has trained intensively to give out the 'Sincere' look, it would be a shame to waste it

Mind-blowing secrets of NSA's security exploit stockpile revealed at last



I've been waiting for ages just to type the word REDACTION, somewhere. Thanks Reg

Bruce Schneier: We're sleepwalking towards digital disaster and are too dumb to stop


OH! God

"The world-sized web will change everything," he said. "It will cause more real-world consequences, has fewer off switches, and gives more power to the powerful.

As we seem to have entered a period where Morons earn huge sums, and also celebrity is power,

does this mean we should be suspicious of Joey Essex and Posh and Becks!

All hail our new masters!

Online crims delight in watching you squirm, says Mandiant


Pre-emptive strike!

I decided that before Mr Putin's and the Cabbage patch kid's colleagues in the newly forming USSR or North Korea could cock up my computer systems, that I would do it myself. I'm not deranged, just useless. Also, I prefer my tea without Polonium or a spikey umberella.

Now how do I get into ADSI edit,... Oh there it is......

Who hit you, HP Inc? 'Windows 10! It's all Windows 10's fault'


Re: Argh!

I'm still devastated about the Safe deposit box Robbery in London last year, I've no chance of getting that photo grey cartridge back, ...it was my life savings, my wife divorced me, the judge said it was black and white,...I couldn't argue - he was right.....DAMN you HP, DAMN you mysterious Ginger man never caught, I bet he's printing in 600dpi grey all the way to the next bank..DAMN you!

Sussex PC sacked after using police databases to snoop on his ex-wife


I had a strange wife once, Beard, Parrot, hung around Portsmouth Dockyard........Oh, estranged wife

European Patent Office extends olive branch to furious trade unions


Combine these organisations now!

US Congressman calls WIPO 'the FIFA of UN agencies' at hearing 25th Feb 2016

If EPO and WIPO could find the time in between in-fighting and incompetence, and combine the organisations then, at least we could have the interesting organisational name 'POOP/WE (Yea, I know..Poop and Wee) - it's hilarious, but then, I still like Benny Hill. Where's a small Irish fella when you want to slap a head(Other nationalities are also available).

Yelp minimum wage row shines spotlight on … broke, fired employee


Re: Trump?

I'm confused, Trump wants to build a wall across the border with Mexico. I don't believe for a moment that this will stop Americans fleeing for Mexico.........or am I missing something?


Flowerpot men

Let's go (let's go) to San Francisco (let's go to San Francisco)

Where the flowers grow (flowers grow)

So very high (so high)

It's been reported that low paid workers are eating the flowers, so they're not very high.

It is making a mockery of a sixties classic song. I for one will not go out there now as I specifically wanted to see those flowers. YELP, you bastards!

Bleeping Computer sued by Enigma Software over moderator's forum post


I agree with X7 but just in case, I'll Take the 5th.

I truly believe that as they are a pair of US businesses, we should take every opportunity to add fuel to the fire and see what goes bang!

I see punative damage claims for at least 1$bn on one side for defamation and $1bn on the other for compensation for damage to reputation, I demand a slice of courts award for ramping it up from a noisy pratt with apparently rubbish software who is sabre rattling, to helping increase the fighting fund for the other party.

25% is my normal fee.

To confirm my legal standing in this matter, I want both parties to know that, I have read the terms and conditions from my Gas supplier and understand some of it.

Euro regulator taps slackademics for neutrality advice


I'm A VM

“Reality is non-negotiable,” Geddes told us today.

When Dealing with OFCOM or Openreach or BT, Reality is very negotiable.

I'm off to Ladbooks, I'm Betting on a 27,000 paged report, more holes than a crumpet, and somehow they will manage to compare the effectiveness of these proposals to the shape of the Euro Bananna.

I'm shutting down now

Gosh, what a huge shock: Ofcom shies away from BT Openreach split, calls for reform



Gavin Patterson said:

“We are happy to let other companies use our ducts and poles".

I'm not sure if String Fellows still operate but I'm sure he would find a use for them (Splinters dependent).

This could make my drive to work far less boring and it would have the added benefit of keeping those poles from rotting away with the copious amounts of baby oil lashed up them.

Not sure what kind of business would buy into the 'ducts' though?

Boffins show Ed Vaizey what superfast means: 50,000x faster than UK broadband



I'd be happy with the 'Average' 1/50,000th of that speed. Currently the Open reach Circus is in town and has successfully slowed me from my paltry 1.5mb to around 124k this is while they upgrade me back to 1.5mb. GO, BT.... GO! (Sorry, I meant 'Just Go')

NASA's Orion: 100,000 parts riding 8 million pounds of thrust


No big deal

What they don't tell you is......There's only one MOUSE..... Your all Doooomed! Dooomed I say.

US Dept of Defense to shift 4 million devices onto Windows 10


4 million devices !!

Me and my USB stick are available for deployment into the upgrade zone, Mr Prez.

I hear that all the ICBM Silos will communicate via Outlook and get the launch codes from Logmein123 sessions

Facebook tells Viz to f**k right off


Who next ?

When old Suctionburger feels a need to ban something, he could try banning all those sad, sad puppies who believe they have several hundred friends, from his site. Clearly delusional they should seek serious help, but I suspect Suctionpumpburger gets revenue from those SP's ( SP's means Sad puppies, I'm throwing it into the arena as the next 'On fire' abbrevo to get thrown around Twatter and Suckface - it is an open source abbrevo so please feel free to modify it but please make sure the source code is available for those who may want to re-code or modify it)

LISA Pathfinder drops its gravity-wave-finding golden boxes



At the very least, this will divert the attentions of thieves nicking copper cable of the rail/motorway systems.

This could start a whole new space race of Shell suited astronauts attempting to get into space in 1975 Transit vans with catapult launch systems. Expect the first attempts soon (As soon as they have nicked enough rubber bands for the launch system and visited Macburger for supplies).

Pilot posts detailed MS Flight Sim video of how to land Boeing 737


Watch Father Ted

I believe that after father Dougal McGuire accidently pressed the fuel dump button, it was found that all that is needed to land a complex flying machine is an 'Our Lady' Sellotape dispenser and someone willing to get ouside the aircraft to dispense it.

From recent press releases I believe you will have more problems dealing with a punchy, drunk pilot than taking charge of the controls themselves, and don't dare wake them whilst they sleep at the controls.

Boffins freeze brains, then thaw them – and they're in perfect order



I've been getting my brains frozen for years,....It's called Ice cream, people!

You Scientists and your test tubes.

From Tony Stark to Iron Man: Building tomorrow's IT chief


Re: Communication Breakdown

Agree I


I'm up for it!

In my previous rarified roles as IT Visionary and thought leader (Titles I found on Google).

I always made sure that my staff talked respectfully to all customers, internal and external.

That all the ongoing IT and communications developments were transmitted up and down the business chain in a thoughtful and provoking manner and that trends in the wider business were broadcast via my staff.

This new perception in IT thinking sounds like a payrise to me, I'm up for it!

As a note: I tend not to speak to customers internal or external.........Can't stand the whining Thickos!

More port anyone!

Joint Committee on UK Snoopers' Charter: Make like a dictionary and give a definition


Re: Header image

JEEEZ! Lighten up!

Health Secretary promises NHS £4.2bn to go 'digital'


Thats Nice


A comment by one of the many failed suppliers to the NHS IT system when they heard that another bite of the apple was possible.

After he calmed down 5 minutes or so later, it was all he could do to control himself from cancelling that order for a cheap yacht and get a much bigger bugger !!

NHS IT Supremos are now busily preparing a seriously flawed specification, with at least a quarter of the NHS sticking plaster budget waiting to be gobbled up in just one go!

What do the the bookies reckon? 6 years and nothing to show for it....again...for £10bn

I say again YEEEEHAAAaaarrr!

NASA preps silicon-photonic modem for space laser internet test



I shall certainly keep up with this development - if my semi-rural 1.2mbs broadband connection can cope, anyone from BT listening eh, eh, .....eh!

US government's $6bn super firewall doesn't even monitor web traffic


Spring field Nuclear facility is better served with Homer at the Helm

This system wouldn't belong to the same government that wants back doors in crypto and certificates.

A government who work closely with UK security organisations who themselves failed to produce a communications protocol, a protocol l that is inherently flawed against any moderatley aggressive attack.

Does this mean that Homeland security system users don't need to use Open Vpn to hide their porno adventures. Yep sound like a government project.

I'll have some of that then, I'm sure I could do this for under £300 quid all in and I'll buy my own Lunch.

Pitchforks, torches, and awful quotes – we read what Cisco's CEO said


I'm in full agreement with my mate Chuck

Based on Chuck's evangelising spirit and 'Can-do' idiocy. When, a few moments ago one of my colleagues said he'd make the tea in five minutes, I ordered him to get it to me in two minutes - and I wanted it hotter, tastier, and more of it in the same cup, now he won't make me one - I don't understand!

All I wanted to do was make me feel good.

MPs slam mandarins over failed GP IT system


I remember posting a comment in one of the major IT newspapers back in the day. It was the NHS IT Fiasco which ballooned from around 5bn to 13bn and still couldn't hold up an ante-natal clinic for a morning after 5 or so years of development. I remember at the time that Novell had products that could do off the shelf what the NHS wanted, but no, some muppet decided that they really needed to recode the whole system to be able to use it. I also mentioned the inevitable golden goodbyes that each successive failed contractor would recieve, I recall being harranged by NHS IT execs who said I had no idea what i was on about. I suspect that if you look closely enough you will fine those same people with the purse strings. Career morons who move stealithly from one failed project to another but do so with the backing of senior civil servants and politicians because they know nothing.

'Major' outage at Plusnet borks Brits' browsing, irate folk finger DNS


You are in a queue, all our operators are absent

I expect that this incident has been going on longer than they reported at the outset, every time I have tried to speak to Plusnet support I've been in a queue for at least 40 minutes, and to progress an incident always incurs the same wait. I suspect if this problem has any level of complexity greater than 'switch off and reboot' this issue could take several weeks to be resolved.

I'm very glad that I didn't try to report the issue

Has Voyager 1 escaped the Sun yet? Yes, but also no, say boffins


What's the problem ?

I recently completed an extremely successful programming course, The technology admittedly is not as old as the Voyager software and hardware. But boy, can I make that LED blink.

Any offers for employment in the blinking LED industry considered.

WIN a 6TB Western Digital Black hard drive with El Reg


Ok, I'm at Z=350, X=475. If I try Y=222, then I'm flat on my arse.!

I'm not sure that this is the modelling job I wanted.