LinkedIn's "apology":
Dear Meatbag Product,
We at [Insert AI Company Name] deeply value your trust and the opportunities you've given us to transform the world through innovation. We understand that some concerns have been raised about our use of publicly available information, data contributions, and, let’s be honest, stuff we probably shouldn’t have been snooping around in.
Let us reassure you: we hear you. Not literally, of course (unless you enabled microphone access).
While some have expressed discomfort about the use of personal data in our AI training processes, we want to emphasize that this data was used in the most respectful, forward-thinking, and pioneering ways imaginable. We didn't just see data; we saw dreams, aspirations, and very clickable memes.
We are not apologizing, because what we did was technically legal, and let's face it—innovation requires bravery, boldness, and an uncanny ability to skim through mountains of terms and conditions that no one actually reads. By utilizing your data, we’ve been able to create groundbreaking tools that may or may not directly benefit you but have certainly enhanced our shareholder value.
We promise to move forward with even greater dedication to finding new and exciting ways to push the boundaries of artificial intelligence. And if that means combing through even more data, well, we’ll always do it with the utmost vague respect for your autonomy.
Thank you for your understanding, your data, and for giving us the chance to redefine the boundaries of trust, privacy, and human patience.
Warm regards,
[Insert CEO Name Here]
Chief Innovation Wizard
[Insert AI Company Name]
P.S. If you'd like to opt out of this process in the future, please send a notarized letter to our headquarters via carrier pigeon before January 1, 1876.