* Posts by Shadow Systems

1433 posts • joined 26 Jul 2007

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Lenovo certifies all desktop and mobile workstations for Linux – and will even upstream driver updates

Shadow Systems Silver badge
Joke

I've had a penguin on my desktop for years!

*Gives a stuffed Tux a head pat & smiles*

I just wish he'd stop surfing fish porn while I'm asleep, it makes my keyboard all yucky.

*Changes the gloves for a fresh set*

=-)p

Bite me? It's 'byte', and that acronym is Binary Interface Transfer Code Handler

Shadow Systems Silver badge

Re: FUCKED

At Hubert Cumberdale, it's obvious innit?

It's said like Throatwarbler Mangrove.

*Hands you a pint & leaves another out for our friend when they read this*

Cheers!

So you really didn't touch the settings at all, huh? Well, this print-out from my secret backup says otherwise

Shadow Systems Silver badge
Pint

Re: Ah, customers.

"Just because the sprocket wangler could thromble 23 threads a minute in theory, real life said that anything over 20 would cause it to overheat."

I wish I could upvote you another hundred times for that statement given how... oddly & naughtily... it sounds through my screen reader.

*Hands you an extra tall tankard & goes back to LMAO*

Microsoft blocks Trend Micro code at center of driver 'cheatware' storm from Windows 10, rootkit detector product pulled from site

Shadow Systems Silver badge
Joke

Re: Hanlon's Razor does not apply today...

I prefer Occam's Razors for that closer shave. =-)p

eBay users spot the online auction house port-scanning their PCs. Um... is that OK?

Shadow Systems Silver badge

Re: This is not okay

Just added them to my Hosts file & will be rebooting in a moment to make it stick.

You port scan my computer, I blackhole your fekkin' arse.

Help your fellow IT pals spruce up their virtual meetings: Design a winning background, win Register-branded gear

Shadow Systems Silver badge
Joke

Here's my submission...

Since I can't see to doodle a damned thing, I'm submitting it as plain text & leaving it up to the ElReg crew to create or not as they see fit.

Imagine a front view of the ElReg Vulture, winking, smiling, & sticking out a tiny pink tongue.

Now turn it into an icon just *barely* large enough to be recognizable for what it is. As in you have to either squint or zoom in a few thousand percent to be sure.

Repeat the icon a few million times across a gradient wash of dark red at the bottom fading to almost pink at the very top, being a nod to ElReg's colours.

Last but not least, imagine a few of those static icons being animated sticking out & retracting the tongue, winking first one eye then the other, so the person viewing the entirety gets the hinkey feeling "something is... off... about this". Or if more are needed, then sufficient animated ones to trigger such feelings of uncanny valley-ness/Twilight Zone apprehension.

Because having a subtly, eerily, comedicly animated vulture blowing feisty raspberries at you from behind the subject of your video call, from the depths of your desktop wallpaper, or as the screen saver image of your devices makes me want to purse my lips, bite my tongue, & clamp my mouth into the crook of an elbow to stop myself from laughing at the poor sods as they finally figure out the joke.

;-)p

With millions upon millions out of work in the US, here come the scammers claiming victims' unemployment money using stolen info

Shadow Systems Silver badge

At Steve, re: recording your calls...

A friend once sent me a small device he'd bought off of Amazon.

It plugs into your landline corded handset between the base & the handset itself. Everything the phone transmits is also sent down a patch cable to a standard 3.5mm audio in plug for capturing by any device that accepts a mic. Everything they say, everything you say, their call quality might be crap & the recording will reflect that, but your stuff should be crystal clear.

You just have to remember to keep a recording device plugged in & either charged up or itself plugged in to an outlet, but you can then record your conversations just as quickly as you can punch "record".

IANAL, I don't know the laws regarding making such recordings in your neck of the woods, so contact one & find out before you wind up getting your butt in trouble.

Otherwise, visit Amazon & look for a telephone recording patch cable. Enjoy a pint & be sure to provide us the Youtube link to your uploaded recordings! =-D

Lawyers hail 'superb result' in Facebook biometric privacy battle: They'll get 25% of $550m, Illinois gets the rest

Shadow Systems Silver badge

Fucking lawyers...

The people actually wronged get essentially squat while the lawyers laugh all the way to the bank.

If 400M people got the max 5K per person the law allowed, FB would be out a whopping *Two Trillion* for the illegal act.

It'll never happen. Why? Fucking lawyers.

Can we _PLEASE_ build the B Ark to pack them all into & then launch it into a blackhole?

Mad dash for webcams with surge in videoconferencing has turned out rather nicely for Logitech

Shadow Systems Silver badge

At Kitten, re: pics...

I wish I still had any to share, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Unfortunately I've had to purge my system of all the pictures, movies, & visual only media due to my inability to see any of it any longer.

*SnifflePout*

*Long comical arcs of rainbow sparkly crocodile tears over the loss of all my porn*

Shadow Systems Silver badge
Paris Hilton

Man, I miss being able to see...

Back when I could still see to enjoy the confusion it caused, I'd built a small box with mirroring on the inside, a pair of holes for the cables to pass through, & a lift off lid through which I would lower a pair of webcams down inside & then close over it.

Anyone "hacking" the site I used to host the live stream (like "user" and "password" required much hacking skills), they would get to see the infinite reflecting & mind smashing visuals of the mirrored box.

I also made a diarama of a bedroom scene & made it look like Ken & Barbie were doing the nasty, using a small motor under the bed to shake it & them to simulate the rumpy rumpy motions, plus piping in classic 70's era porn theme music to act as a delightful addition for those sick bastards that wanted to see if they got up to anything better.

Before you ask, NO I did not already own the dolls, I was at a yard sale & saw the pair arranged to mimick sleeping in a bed side by side. My dirty mind thought "Oh now THAT could be twisted!", I started laughing, it lasted longer than 30 seconds, I knew it had just been added to My Skippy's List, and so decided to buy them & tell Skippy to fek off.

It's amazing the amount of fun you can have with a webcam, a small cardboard box, a bit of glue, & a Creatively Devious Imagination...

*Cackles in glee*

Microsoft doc formats are the bane of office suites on Linux, SoftMaker's Office 2021 beta may have a solution

Shadow Systems Silver badge

Re: Trust Office

Andy, an employer I used to work for liked to use the ruse of "Our IT folks say your file is triggering virus warnings for some odd reason. Is there any way you can save it as something else like PDF & resend it? Thanks, we really appreciate it."

The other person would save it as something else, resend it, & the productivity suite he used would then happily open the file.

No anti-MS rant required, just use MS' security against itself! =-D

Users of Will.i.am's Wink IoT hub ask 'Where is the love?' as they're asked to pay for a new subscription service

Shadow Systems Silver badge

Cue the lawsuits in 3, 2, 1...

He sold it as "pay once". Folks bought it based on that claim. They have already paid for the service under the terms of that contract. Changing to a subscription model from now on would be fine *IF* all the existing customers were grandfathered in as already having paid for the subscription in perpetuity. Everyone that buys the new device with the new ad stating that it will be a subscription from now on will have no grounds for complaint from that clearly stated fact.

But to use clear Bait & Switch tactics to force preexisting customers under the original pay once contract to now have to pay a subscription? Yeah, I can already see the slavering hoardes of lawyers drooling & straining at their leashes to be let loose on the company.

If the company is lucky all the preexisting customers will do is return the devices to demand a full refund. If not then there will be an army of lawyers happily chewing off their arse...

It is unclear why something designed to pump fuel into a car needs an ad-spewing computer strapped to it, but here we are

Shadow Systems Silver badge

I hated the pump ads...

Back when I could still see to drive I'd often encounter those buggers when I tried to refill the tank with petrol. Noisy, annoying, & ignored as much as possible, they were still enough to make me want to "accidently" back my truck over the pump... repeatedly.

My local Shell station was the worst for this with them forcing a 30 second ad on you before it would start to pump the fuel. I complained, they did nothing, so I stopped buying from Shell. Funny how that works, eh? Piss off your customers & they'll choose not to BE your customers any longer.

I found a local Mom&Pop station that did *not* have the ad slinging shite, switched almost entirely to buying my petrol there, & let them know the reason. The lady was rather pleased with my candour & replied that she valued the feedback. Then she gave me a free cookie from the rack. I wonder why they became my favorite station?

*Remembers the cookie & tries not to drool*

=-)p

TL;DR: Ads are bad. Chocolate chip cookies are tasty.

What do you call megabucks Microsoft? No really, it's not a joke. El Reg needs you

Shadow Systems Silver badge

Good taste?

Fuck that, we wanna know what he was almost called! =-D

(I have good taste... I've been told I taste like chicken.)

NUC NUC. Who's there? It's Intel, with a pint-sized 8-core Xeon workstation

Shadow Systems Silver badge
Linux

Clean up on aisle 5!

*Copious geeky drooling*

Bring a mop!

<Homer Simpson>Me waaaaaants...</Homer>

Fill it with the full 64Gb of RAM, slide in a pair of capacious NVMe drives, & a video card with a few Gb of VRAM, then give it a copy of *nix for that all powerful feeling of having "computational overkill" at your fingertips.

Of course there's no such thing as overkill, only reboot & reload! =-)p

India makes contact-tracing app compulsory in viral hot zones despite most local phones not being smart

Shadow Systems Silver badge

Re: Fool proof!

And with the stay at home restrictions imposed, those same folks will have plenty of time on their hands to prove you very, very, very wrong.

"I'm sorry Mister Officer but I *can't* install the app. I don't own a SmartPhone. Will the government give me one for free so that I can, or shall I keep using the only device I can afford which is this simple phone too dumb to do anything but make & take calls?"

*ChortleCough*

Intel is offering more 14nm Skylake desktop processors, we repeat: More 14nm Skylake desktop processors

Shadow Systems Silver badge

Re: Last paragraph of the article"

And that's why I'll be going with AMD in my next system. They've proven they can reliably, steadily, consistantly produce 7NM parts while Intel is still stuck in 10NM land.

Intel is trying to bolster their sales by touting 5+GHz speeds, but then you look at the fine print to find out that's only on a single core, only if the chip can maintain it before thermal runaway, & only if you've installed the uber cooling system to keep it cool. Meanwhile AMD "only" runs at 4+GHz, but that's on all cores, no OC needed, & with just a plain cooling fan. If you do the uber cooling rig & OC that Intel does, you wind up with a part that (pardon the pun) smokes their ass.

I'll take the AMD for $500 Alex!

Google reveals how its Borg clusters have evolved yet still only use about 60 percent of resources (Alibaba might do better)

Shadow Systems Silver badge
Joke

And it's all run off a Raspberry Pi!

*Runs away before someone throws a Google cluster at me*

Sometimes one can go a little too far in search of isolation

Shadow Systems Silver badge
Pint

Admiral Grace Hopper to post in 3, 2, 1...

Because it's just got to happen! =-D

*Hands her a pint when she arrives*

Cheers!

Dumpster diving to revive a crashing NetWare server? It was acceptable in the '90s

Shadow Systems Silver badge

Re: Genius ...

It's already on My Skippy's List of Things I'm Not Allowed To Do.

*Comical pout*

*Wanders off dancing & twerking to "Tie me kangaroo down"*

Shadow Systems Silver badge

Re: Genius ...

I spend my days RiverDancing on the bloody thing while naked, twerking, & playing the bagpipes! =-D

*Inflates the bag, squeazes the blob betwixt my knees, & dances off twerking to a bagpipe rendition of "Waltzing Matilda"*

We're in a timeline where Dettol maker has to beg folks not to inject cleaning fluid into their veins. Thanks, Trump

Shadow Systems Silver badge
Facepalm

Re: Suggestion

Oh great. I just heard Dexter's sister Didi asking "What does this button do?", Dexter replying "Don't press the button!", & Didi happily pressing the button to cause an explosion.

To quote Gir from Invader Zim, "We're all doomed! WHEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Enjoy a pint or five & don't forget to eat those packets of nuts... =-Jp

Stripe is absolutely logging your mouse movements on websites' payment pages – for your own good, says CEO

Shadow Systems Silver badge

At Warm Braw, re: accessibility denied.

*Raises hand in disgust* I'm one such person.

I don't use a mouse at all, don't even have one plugged in, so any attempt they make to monitor the movements of said device automaticly fail. Since I'm on a desktop browser & not a tablet nor SmartPhone, their algos insist that I have a mouse (or other pointing device). None of them seems to give two shits if their algo doesn't account for folks that don't use a pointing device for any reason, they just pop up the message "You're a bot. Go away." & deny us the ability to go any further.

I try to call their help line to complain, but it invariably wastes my time, breath, & already dwindling supply of dried frog pills. =-j

Shadow Systems Silver badge

Dear Merchants. Ditch the JS.

My bank 2FA doesn't need it, my email 2FA security doesn't need it, most fora that matter don't use it, & reputable shopping sites don't need it, so do yourself & the world at large a favor by dropping it.

It's a security hole that makes Adobe Flash player look positively airtight by compairison.

I refuse to run it, it's blocked at the browser & never... N. E. V. E. R. ...allowed to run, not merely plug in controlled per site, but *never*, & if you insist on using it then you insist on refusing my money gracing your coffers.

I realize I'm just one little peon, but it's peons like me that offer shopping advice to friends, family, coworkers, & all those random strangers that ask questions like "What's a good $Widget & what's the best place to get one?" ... I answer "Not from $SiteThatUsesJS as they're a security hole just waiting to screw you over." Guess which sites they now avoid like the plague?

So don't discount us peons, we're the ones that matter when your own advertising isn't good enough to even get their notice.

Web pages a little too style over substance? Behold the Windows 98 CSS file

Shadow Systems Silver badge
Pint

At Friendly Neighbourhood Coder Dan...

For some odd reason your pseudonym makes me want to run screaming for a bomb shelter & slam the blast doors shut behind me in the fear that we're all about to die in a hideously gruesome & agonizingly painful manner.

I think it's akin to the little anime girl with the pigtails, "Pure, Sweet, & Innocent(TM) Smile", carrying the teddy bear that has one eye torn out, a blood encrusted muzzle filled with razor sharp fangs, & scythe-like claws gouging up sparks as they drag on the pavement.

Enjoy a pint on me while I go make sure the door seals are working. =-)p

Getting a pizza the action, AS/400 style

Shadow Systems Silver badge

At Heyrick, re: thin crust.

I'm diabetic & am not allowed to have a regular nor thick crust pizza as the carbs end up shooting my blood sugar level into the stratosphere.

A thin crust pizza still spikes my BSL, but not nearly as bad as what I get if I have a pizza with a thicker crust.

Would I like a thicker crust? Sure. Can I have one without putting my arse in the hospital in a coma? Nope. =-(

Shadow Systems Silver badge

Pineapple good. Pepperoni bad.

A thin crust, Canadian bacon & pineapple is yummy. Anything with pepperoni on it isn't fit to feed the dog.

If you think otherwise then you are an Abomination Unto Nuggin & should be spanked with rancid sourkraut as punishment.

*Blows an exuberent, boisterous, feisty raspberry like a Frenchman atop the castle wall*

=-D

House of Commons agrees to allow Zoom app in Parliament, British MPs will still have to dress smartly

Shadow Systems Silver badge

Re: The thought of

Borat in a Thongkini(TM) brandishing a life sized rubber Clydesdale dong & chasing fat, hairy, naked MP's around the room is now on a Porntube channel thanks to Rule 34.

You're welcome!

*Steals the MindBleach & runs howling in laughter from the room*

IBM == Insecure Business Machines: No-auth remote root exec exploit in Data Risk Manager drops after Big Blue snubs bug report

Shadow Systems Silver badge
Facepalm

And thus is why hackers profit...

You take an honest researcher attempting to Do The Right Thing by telling the company first about security flaws in their product. Company makes oodles & oodles of money but can't be arsed to give any of that dosh to the folks trying to help them help themselves. Honest researcher gets an offer from dishonest hacker to pay money for undisclosed flaws. Now honest researcher has a choice: keep trying to DTRT with a company that snubs them, refuses to pay them, and at best might mention their name in some later patch, or a quick buck right now from someone that is delighted by said researcher's work. It doesn't take a rocket surgeon to figure out where that situation is headed...

UK government to take equity in struggling startups with £250m 'Future fund'

Shadow Systems Silver badge

Can I get a mere £1M?

I promise to put it to good use, help improve the economy, and do my part to ease the strain of the current crisis.

(I'll blow it all on blackjack, beer, & hookers!)

*Holds hand out in hopeful expectation*

SE's baaaack: Apple flings out iPhone SE 2020, priced at £419

Shadow Systems Silver badge

@ the AC, re: wireless headphones.

By your logic a car manufacturer that sold you a car without a steering wheel & told you to go buy an aftermarket, third party, may or may not be compatable with your specific model of car, not covered by your car warranty, expensive part would not only be of no concern, you'd merrily tell everyone else to stop whinging & go pick up a cheap (used?) one from Ebay.

I vote with my wallet. My wallet can see the problem inherent in the situation. It chooses not to reward such idiotic manufacturers of intentionally defective tat.

Shadow Systems Silver badge

@AnotherCynic, re: headphone jack.

Thank you for that observation. I was going to ask if it included one since TFA didn't bother to say yes or no, so your comment answered that for me. Enjoy a pint with my gratitude.

I might have been interested in an updated SE, but the lack of the jack makes it a non-starter.

April 2020 and – rest assured – your Windows PC can still be pwned by something so innocuous as an unruly font

Shadow Systems Silver badge

a broken Chakra Scripting Engine?

That's not very Zen of them now is it? =-)p

*Runs away before someone uses their Karma to run over my Dogma*

RAND report finds that, like fusion power and Half Life 3, quantum computing is still 15 years away

Shadow Systems Silver badge

Re: Fusion...

I was going to lay a stripe of butter down the cats back in the belief that it could not land butter side up, but neither could it not land on its feet, thus would do the same hovering spin maneuver as the toast.

Unfortunately the cat saw the tub of butter, caused enough bleeding for me to require immediate medical attention, thereby proving the cat was an unwilling lab partner.

I got even though, I gave MyFurryOverlord an unusual brand of canned tuna for dinner that caused a bout of catstipation...

Shadow Systems Silver badge

Re: Fusion...

I've solved the problem already.

I buttered a slice of toast on both sides, wrapped it in copper wire, attached the wires to a sort of hoop so the wires never get tangled, then dropped the toast to the floor.

Because it can never land butter side up (it's against the laws of the universe), it just hovers above the floor constantly spinning like a gyroscope toy on speed. The electricity generated by the spin is transfered through the hoop & is captured, controlled, & consumed by all the gizmos in my house.

I tried using a cat at first, but it tried to kill me when I brought out the butter...

This machine-learning upstart trained software to snare online drug dealers. Now it's going after fake coronavirus test equipment peddlers

Shadow Systems Silver badge

Follow the money.

The advertisers have to get paid by someone to place the ads in the first place. Follow the money.

The ads have to point to contact points (phone number, email address, website, etc) that collected the scam funds. Follow the money.

The site had to be hosted on a domain that got paid to host the site. Follow the money.

The site needed some way to transact financial details, EG the purchase of scummy tat. Follow the money.

Sure it's a lot of legwork, but you eventually wind up with a lot of folks in deep shite for having helped the scam to exist/propigate. Eventually you will find out whom ultimately profited from such scams, And once you know that last bit, where the buck stopped, you know whom to string up & use as a pinata.

Follow The Money.

Doom Eternal: Reboot sequel is cluttered but we're only here for the rippin' and the tearin'

Shadow Systems Silver badge

Re: I prefer the original

Those aren't rose coloured glasses, that's the blood that went everywhere when I stepped on another landmine. =-)P

Shadow Systems Silver badge

I suck at FPS...

Start the game, spawn on the field, take a step, die because I stepped on a landmine.

Respawn, pick a different direction, take a step, die because a sniper is slaughtering anyone respawning there.

Respawn, duck, pick a different direction, take a step, get run over by a tank.

Respawn, duck, look around in a full 360, notice some good cover a bit off to one side, start to run for it, get turned into chunky salsa because the guy teaching me how to play the damned thing drops arty on my ass.

Respawn, dive to the side, roll up to a kne- die when the grenade someone threw at me lands at my feet.

Respawn, wait... wait... wait... nothing happens, take a step, oh look! another landmine.

*Sigh*

I suck so bad at FPS games that I shouldn't even be allowed to play them in the first place.

Anyone up for a game of NetHac-

*gets eaten by the dragon*

DAMN IT!

Hi, Google Duplex here, trying to book a haircut for a socially inept human. Sorry, 'COVID-19'?... DOES NOT COMPUTE

Shadow Systems Silver badge

Re: And let the mischief begin

At least you're not a Scot trapped in an elevator. =-)P

Upstart Americans brandish alligators at the almighty Reg Standards Soviet

Shadow Systems Silver badge

Re: Well, I tried ...

There's an easy way to measure the length of any dog. Simply climb a ladder, hold up a piece of bacon, & get someone else to measure the pooch while it's stretched out trying to snag the yummy. Just make sure to let go of the treat before the dog decides to maul you for taunting it.

*Wanders off to go find some bandages with which to staunch the blood from my mangled hands*

=-)P

Ofcom waves DAB radio licences under local broadcasters' noses as FM switchoff debate smoulders again

Shadow Systems Silver badge
Pint

At Aqua Marina, re: homophones...

I read the line "Turn off the ignition for 30 secs, open the passenger** door for 30 secs, close it for 30 secs, open it again for 30 secs, close it and turn on the ignition." and knew intelectualy that you meant seconds, but my dirty mind made me giggle thinking you were complaining about having to have so much sex.

Please enjoy a pint with my compliments for making my day that much brighter. =-)P

Reg fashion special: Top designer says 'video chat accessories' are in for spring!

Shadow Systems Silver badge

Re: Fashion is easy!

I win teh internettywebbytubez! Free cookies for everyone!

*Wanders off naked, twerking, & playing Police's "I'll be watching you"*

Shadow Systems Silver badge

Re: Fashion is easy!

Tone down? Hell no! Nudity for everyone everywhere every time!

*Wanders off naked, twerking, & playing a disco-polka version of Fugue in D minor*

Shadow Systems Silver badge

Fashion is easy!

*Inflates the bag of my neon plaid bagpipes, squeazes the bag betwixt my knees, & wanders around naked & twerking to my incredibly excrutiating disco polka mashups*

Trousers are Evil! Death to Pants!

*The Levan Polka*

Absolutely everyone loves video conferencing these days. Some perhaps a bit too much

Shadow Systems Silver badge

We need a Regomiser!

You should add it to the site so the rest of us can generate random names of our own.

That way all those goobers coming up with usernames like "038282840502818173793472717187482487234i03042034824551298545298354230549245" could be turned into something infinitely less fucking moronic like, say, "Quackmaster Limbergertoaster".

I promise not to park on the page & place a "bobbing bird" sculpture over the "generate random name" button & have it generate trillions of names in a constant DDOS attempt. =-)P

Salesforce publishes self-themed activity book to keep your kids ‘Appy

Shadow Systems Silver badge

I like Find-A-Word...

I would find all the words they *didn't* intend. All the naughty ones, foul language, & ones that would make my teachers go pale in worry, bright red in embarrassment, or green in nausea.

"Mrs. Davies? What does (CENSORED) mean? I found it in the Find-A-Word homework you assigned, but I don't know what it means... What do you mean I've got Detention? What did I do? All I did was ask what (CENSORED) meant!"

*Cackle*

You're not fooling anyone on that vid-conference call: Walmart says shirt sales soaring, pants not pulled up

Shadow Systems Silver badge

Trousers? BAH! I go nekkid!

*Inflates the bag of my neon plaid bagpipes, squeazes the bloated blob betwixt my knees, & wanders off twerking merrily to "You drive me crazy"*

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