Posts by Thomas Swann

Living, biological raygun produced in lab

Sooo....

What are the shark-based applications?

Use of Weapons declared best sci-fi film never made

Zakalwe Enfranchised

That twist would be a real 'Fight Club' moment.

Samsung NaviBot robot cleaner

Hmmm

You better hope Kim and Agie never get hold of you.

Read Maggie Gee's 'The Ice People' and you will understand that no good can come of domestic cleaning robots.

First it will be our pets.

Then it will only be a matter of time before they are hunting us in packs in order to devour our weak flesh.

Google backs enormous load of balls for Olympics

The Ocean Is Silent

'Cause they've clearly stole all the f***ing whale-song.

2060: Humvee-sized, bulletproof meat-eating spiders attack

I say we take off

...and nuke the site from orbit.

It's the only way to be sure.

Web 0.2 archivists save Geocities from deletion

Aaaaaah! Fecking brilliant

I remember the Geocities page I made for my Quake clan back in 1998! Knocked up from a collection of horrible wordart in MS Frontpage or something.

Gradients! Everything had to have Gradients! And I definitely remember having one of those counters... Ah happy days!

Sheep ad not cruel, bleats Samsung

”sentient, intelligent and complex”

Um... ok.

Well, as someone who grew up on a sheep farm I have to say that this would be one statement that perfectly describes whatever the complete opposite of a sheep is.

Intelligent? SRSLY

Oracle reels in Sun Microsystems with $7.4bn buy

@Steve

I personally prefer allaround's PL/SQL Developer to TOAD - I didn't so much when I first switched from one to t'other, but definitely wouldn't go back now.

As long as I never have to use Oracle SQL Developer ever again then all will be well with the world and my PC will remain unpunched.

Pot Noodle boils up instant doner kebab

How about...

Balut flavour Pot Noodle?

Google it.

Sofia Dark Knight Englundh protests footie chant slur

@Mark Lockwood

/applauds

Sony Ericsson demos Walkman would-be N96 knobbler

To quote Father Jack...

"I love my brick!"

Joker must retire, insist Heath Ledger fans

It's a bit of a...

...Joy Division/New Order, old-Manics/nu-Manics kind of debate this - uh, if you replace the depressive musicians with super-villains.

Some people just got so entranced by everything that was (genuinely) brilliant about the original act, that they just couldn't - or refused - to see anything worthy in what came after.

Glastonbury new-agers protest WiFi

I hate hippies.

Clearly the one thing Glastonbury does need is a public broadcast system in the streets pumping out Slayer round the clock.

ArseASA rules 'Feck' non-offensive

Sorry but...

"A person complained that the phrase 'feck off' was offensive, especially because it appeared on a poster and could therefore be seen by children."

Won't someone please think of the children! THE CHILDREN!

Java Community Process shakes Soviet commissar tag

Surely...

'Open standards glasnost' would have been more appropriate?

Linux weaktops poised for death by smartphone

"As destructive as it's going to be, the Rise of the Machines will be strangely satisfying. "

I knew! Ted is a minion of the LA and has been all along!

He must be stopped.

Virgin Media calls foul on web speed testers

Virgin Media

Truly are utterly awful. Fail, fail and thrice FAIL.

'Water bears' survive in outer space

All good, but can they survive...

...having their mothership hacked into by a MacBook?

Man buys $1,000 worth of iPhone pixels by accident

"A scarlet letter for the gullible"

haha :)

/applauds

Cuil feasts on Salmon of Nonsense

Salmon Of Knowledge

Has a delightfully 'Douglas Adams' kind of sound to it.

Daily Mail cites video game as proof of terrorist doomsday plot

War.

War never changes.

/end Ron Perlman

Korean DMZ droids 'unfit for combat'

Oh dear...

"Samsung's engineers have felt it necessary to equip the droid's gun mount with an anti-theft alarm"

lol

I wonder if it threatens you in a creepy child-like voice a-la the sentrys from Portal...

"Who are you?"

"Please put me down."

Sun Java chief to developers: 'We're genetic freaks'

Oh dear

In other news: Today every idiot with access to a hammer and nails was declared a professional Joiner.

Epic FAIL, as the kids would say.

US student planned to ice Chuck Norris

"Terroristic" ?

Oh.

My.

God.

Schools warned of chilling 'Strawberry Meth' menace

Ah well

The old ones are the best...

Virgin Media network collapses nationwide

Ah so that's what happened my broadband last night...

"Most of the problems occurred in the North West, Yorkshire and the Midlands."

And Northern Ireland.

"and the majority of affected customers regained their service shortly after midnight."

If by 'shortly' he means 'several hours'.

How much does El Reg cost the global economy?

"If you are behind a proxy then one of your colleagues is a better slacker than you."

I think we can assume this is going to be a conservative estimate.

Secret mailing list rocks Wikipedia

Well....

http://despair.com/idiocy.html

QED.

Surge in encrypted torrents blindsides record biz

Typical...

I find it amusing that they effectively used the old 'If you've done nothing wrong then you've got nothing to hide' line.

Carmack's X-Prize rocket explodes on pad

Impressive...

Carmack leaves the competition quaking in their boots!

/coat

/kills self

Cassini team spies moonlets in Saturn's A ring

The End Is Nigh.

And I for one welcome our new insect overlords.

More gnashing of teeth after Microsoft update brings PCs to a standstill

So...

... it took, what? 10 seconds for this to degenerate into Windows vs Linux?

/applauds

Open source CMS - promise without pitfall

I agree...

... Drupal is what I personally use - having made use of a variety of CMS systems including Joomla, Wordpress and others - and it's up there with the best.

Simon Pegg to play Scotty

Paul McGillion...

...would have been my choice personally.

Paris Hilton has no supporting role then?

An unsatisfactory meal in County Antrim

Hmmm...

Eat hotel food? What madness is this?!

Clearly you have yet to attain the rank of Master Expenses Ninja.

'Mystery ailment' smites Saudi camels

Conan flashback!

Has anyone confirmed Arnie Swarchenegger's whereabouts at the time?

Social networks to replace imagination and be woven into clothes

Title

He wants people to know that they don't need imagination to have personality. "Self-expression is a very powerful concept," he explained. "We want to take people away from the idea that they have to do it themselves and that they can buy forms of self-expression in the virtual world."

<bill hicks impression>

And I pray for a nuclear holocaust in five minutes.

</bill hicks impression>

Cat senses impending death

I can't be the only one...

... who is thinking of Bubba Ho-Tep right now can I?

"Mr President... we're gonna kill us a kitty."

Suit blows £105k in London bar

Title

Has no one told them that they could have had just as good a time on a quality bottle of Buckfast?

/goes to re-read 'Money' by Martin Amis.