* Posts by hatti

366 posts • joined 9 Jan 2015


Study finds crayfish treated with antidepressants become more outgoing, adventurous


Spiny-cheeked crayfish coming over here, stealing all our streams

How hot is it right now? 'Water park catching fire and burning down' hot


Perhaps a transfusion for the park with water that has a lower flash point

Choc horror: The UK's Information Commisioner probes its own mammoth £6,248 Hotel Chocolat spend


In a statement provided to El Reg, an ICO spokesperson said: “This payment is currently subject to an internal investigation.

= We are eating all the chocs

Just let this sink in: Capita wins 12-year £1bn contract to provide training services to the Royal Navy and Marines


Consultancy and guns, what could possibly go wrong?

Here's a headline we'll run this century, mark our words: Alien invaders' AI found on Mars searching for signs of life


An empty skips or quavers packet will be found mark my words

Virgin Galactic inks deal with NASA to train astro-tourists looking to buy a seat to the International Space Station


The mile high club is so last decade.

No Wiggle room: Two weeks after angry bike shop customers report mystery orders on their accounts, firm confirms payment cards delinked


Just saying

Lycra and beer bellies do not a good combination make

The National Museum of Computing goes Marie Kondo at Christmas: Luckily all the Lego sparks joy


Ice Cream tub

I didn't realise Lego curator was an actual job, I thought it was just like playing with Lego but not actually sticking the bricks together, it's amazing what you learn on el Reg. I hope they used upcycled ice cream tubs for the sorting as per regulation Lego play.

The UK's Civil Aviation Authority asked drone orgs to email fliers' data in an Excel spreadsheet



But I thought Sophie O'Sullivan was head of marketing though, I could be wrong.

Perhaps the excel spreadsheet would get heavier when all the data is added, either way it'll never fly.

Up in the heir: Inheritors enduring huge delays after botched migration at UK probate service


Staying alive could be a viable workaround

Google goes full Anti-Flash-ist, boots Adobe's insecure monstrosity out of web search index


No more tween anims then

Aw, bad day at your air-conditioned, somewhat clean desk? Try shifting a 40-tonne fatberg


It's well known that fatberg size can be measured in Kiloglobules squared

1 globule unit = 1 big mac

Your kids will be glad a UK government-funded robot will be changing your nappy and not them


Better done by care-bots

Hello Dave, it looks like you shat yourself again, would you like me to change you?

Time to check who left their database open and leaked 7.5m customer records: Hi there, Adobe Creative Cloud!


The A Team

Sounds like a job for Dido Harding ( cough - Talk Talk - cough )

Inside the 1TB ImageNet data set used to train the world's AI: Naked kids, drunken frat parties, porno stars, and more



No m'lud, I wasn't watching pron, I was training my AI system.

It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it.

What simultaneously sucks and doesn't? This new robot vacuum cleaner


Good but...

Auto hoovers give me cause for concern, a meat based operative has the faculty to determine whether an object is to be sucked up or not. That all important missing pc screw or ear ring is cause to turn off suction mode temporarily to retrieve the errant item.

I'm fearful that although these are keenly priced, they could lead to the cats disappearance with that much suction.

Japanese hotel chain sorry that hackers may have watched guests through bedside robots


Re: Receptasaurus

Be careful not to mention Skynet!



Meat based staff, love it!

That's a generic moniker I expect we'll be seeing a lot more of on el Reg. but I wonder if it fully applies to vegans, just wondering?

Tetraplegic patient can now move his four limbs with the help of a badass neuroprosthetic suit


Great device, has notes of Ripley at the end of Alien 2 when shes's battling that big mo fo alien

'Six' in the city: Kiwi sportswear shop telly beamed X-rated flicks for hours over weekend



I expect once the offender is reprimanded, he'll be in for a stiff sentence

Adobe results show it is still creaming those subscriptions but its share price fell – why?


Old school

I remember installing software from a Cd-rom on my computer, how quaint

In Hemel Hempstead, cycling is as bad as taking a leak in the middle of the street


It may be stretchy, but

Lycra and beer bellies are definitely filed under 'sportswear fails'

UK.gov: Huge mobile masts coming to a grassy hill near you soon


Beanz meanz heinz

All this started with two empty baked bean cans and some string, look at the mess it's got us into.

My god, it's full of tsars: A gun-toting Russian humanoid robot is on its way to the International Space Station


Thinking of Mars Attacks

We come in peace.


One goes up, one stays on the ground and one gets ready: It's a week in space


not enough space

Should the title not read, a week in spaaaaaace?

Who left a database of emails, credit cards, plain-text passwords, and more open to the web this week? Tech Data, come on down!



Get ready for the "only a handful of customers appear to have been compromised" corporate statement

Yay, you lose weight and get rad hardened in space! Nay, your genes go awry and your brain slows down when you return to Earth!


Longer preferable

Shorter telomeres are the bain of my life

Humanity gazes into the abyss to get its first glimpse of a black hole


That's not a hole, it's a space station

Back to drawing board as Google cans AI ethics council amid complaints over right-wing member


An ethics board surely would need a spread of opinions to be fully representative, not just cosy viewpoints that has the board reaching for their teddies else the whole process of selecting an ethics board would be entirely impossible.

McAfee – the completely sane guy, not the biz – told to fork out $25m over 'torture, murder' of his Belize neighbor


It sniff wasn't sniff me sniff guv!

No yoke: 'Bored' Aussie test pilot passes time in the cockpit by drawing massive knobs in the air


Like a high altitude etch-a-sketch

Sussex rap fan wants statue of Easy-E from NWA in his hometown because he's a 'legend'



Perhaps a statue of Guy Stevens made from the molten end of an old town bell would be more relevant

UK Foreign Office offers Assange a doctor if he leaves Ecuador embassy


Bad toothy peg

Perhaps leaking national security information was not such a great idea after all. Methinks the UK gov are trying the softly, softly catchee Jules rendition approach.

Hitler's wife's lovely lilac knickers fetch £2,900 at auction



I'm assuming there's some verifiable proof of who they belong to such as DNA tests and some of Adolf's pubes and encrusted reprogoo otherwise they could just be any old pants.

Church of England will commune with God for you via Amazon's Echo


'Alexa, ask God to deliver me a Pizza'

A developer always pays their technical debts – oh, every penny... but never a groat more


on the increase

The future of tech dept is likely to expand with javascript frameworks coming out seemingly at a rate of one a week via npm. Possibly we're working to a point where no one understands how to fix anything.

The only way is Ethics: UK Lords fret about AI 'moral panic'


The House of Lords wants to make sure data used by AI systems is not monopolised and the technology is developed on ethical guidelines.

And whose ethical guidelines would they be?

El Reg needs you – to help build an automated beer-transporting robot


if($beer == 'all gone') {


} else if ($beer != 'all gone') {

drink(8, 'pints');

} else {



UK 'wife'-carrying champion named


I'd need a crane

British Level 4 driverless pods are whizzing along ... er, a London path



Poddy mcPodule face

Nip/Tug: Plastic surgeon accused of mid-surgery 'hardcore' smut binge


and the moral is..

Don't mix pleasure with business

Pasties in SPAAAAACE: Cornwall hopes for slice of £50m spaceport cash


much better

Zero gravity will solve the crumbs problem.

RIP... almost: Brit high street gadget shack Maplin Electronics



What will happen to all the virgins?

London Mayor's chief digi officer: 'Have faith and give us a chance'


Softly softly catchee data

“It needs to be a conversation that starts with consent, rather than forcing people to do things,” he says, adding that a “coalition of the willing” is more effective than forcing boroughs to open up their data.

Digital word salad, what could possibly go wrong?

Farts away! Plane makes unscheduled stop after man won't stop guffing


Its not like you can escape

I can't imagine anything more unsavoury than sampling numerous unwanted roast ghosts while trapped at 50,000 feet, no wonder a fight broke out. Urgggh!

Chrome adblockalypse will 'accelerate Google-Facebook duopoly'


next step

Facebook and Google = Team America, world police (f*!k yeah!)

UK Home Sec Amber Rudd unveils extremism blocking tool


Re: My son has just pointed out ...

I would do that for a coconut and chocolate confection :)

Yorkshire cops have begun using on-the-spot fingerprint scanners


fine with it.

"There's no recognition of how breathtakingly invasive this proposal is," said Emma Norton of Liberty.

This is no less invasive than being finger printed at a police station surely and saves time and therefore money to boot. Possibly Liberty's position on this is to ensure those that shouldn't be walking the streets are free to do so.

Why aren't you being arbiters of truth? MPs scream at Facebook, YouTube, Twitter


Governments calling tech firms to account for truth. How ironic.

TalkTalk to splash £1.5bn laying full fibre on 3 million doorsteps


No thank databreach you



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