Posts by hatti

Zuckerberg hunkers down in Hawaii to wait out apocalypse

Re: Volcano Lair

There's a role for Donald Pleasance with a psychotic cat

Missing Titan sub likely destroyed in implosion, no survivors

RIP

I hope it was quick and painless, thoughts are with the families.

British Airways, Boots, BBC payroll data stolen in MOVEit supply-chain attack

DIdo

Where's Dido Harding when you need her?

Curiosity finds clearest evidence yet for water on Mars

Tentacles

Definitely tentacle tracks, not long now until we see a sucker mark.

Robot seal tested for stress relief on pretend Mars mission

All well and good until the seal of approvals A.I. fancies a fish supper

Bringing cakes into the office is killing your colleagues, says UK food watchdog boss

Very sensible indeed

I thinks it's a very sensible idea to ban cake from the workplace, it's very important to maintain a clean working environment especially with IT gagdets and gizmos and I suspect the same applies to scientific laboratory settings where cleanliness will impact the outcome of experimentation.

Oooh look! Emma from accounts has just brought in doughnuts (om nom nom !!!!!)

NASA wants a hundredfold upgrade for space computers

"I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that."

UK lays world's longest autonomous drone superhighway

Element 5

Corben Dallas will be very pleased I'm sure, big bada boom.

City-killing asteroid won't hit Earth in 2052 after all

Phew !! close one.

Jeff Bezos adds some more overheads to his $485m yacht by taking down historic bridge

Prime delivery

Can he not just order the masts off Amazon and get them delivered to an address the other side of the bridge? Surely he has Prime membership.

Robot vacuum cleaner employed by Brit budget hotel chain Travelodge flees

Re: Best Hotels In The World

and the walk to the beach is rather long

Looking on the bright side, at least there's a Travelodge car park in Cambridge that was temporarily free of fag butts.

Massive cyberattack takes Ukraine military, big bank websites offline

Unexpected item in bagging area

Possibly caused by the large transaction to NATO

Dog forgets all about risk of drowning in a marsh as soon as drone dangles a sausage

Selected savoury products

Personally, I wouldn't budge for an Aldi sausage, cooked or uncooked. Waitrose on the other hand, might initiate motion.

Genetically modified E coli bacteria produce ink for 3D printing programmable objects

Thats all good but..

What if controlling microbial ink is like herding cats?

If anyone can explain why Jupiter's Great Red Spot is spinning faster and shrinking, please speak up

Increase in wind speed

The increase in wind speed is due to an increase in tentacled clientele at the Europa Io tandoori and their new chefs delightful dishes.

UK gives military's frikkin' laser cannon project a second roll of the dice

The MoD added that £6bn is due to be spent on military R&D over the next four years and that it hopes current projects will be in the practical testing phase "from 2023 to 2025".

There must be a light sabre in there somewhere, pleeeease.

Study finds crayfish treated with antidepressants become more outgoing, adventurous

Spiny-cheeked crayfish coming over here, stealing all our streams

How hot is it right now? 'Water park catching fire and burning down' hot

Perhaps a transfusion for the park with water that has a lower flash point

Choc horror: The UK's Information Commisioner probes its own mammoth £6,248 Hotel Chocolat spend

In a statement provided to El Reg, an ICO spokesperson said: “This payment is currently subject to an internal investigation.

= We are eating all the chocs

Just let this sink in: Capita wins 12-year £1bn contract to provide training services to the Royal Navy and Marines

Consultancy and guns, what could possibly go wrong?

Here's a headline we'll run this century, mark our words: Alien invaders' AI found on Mars searching for signs of life

An empty skips or quavers packet will be found mark my words

Virgin Galactic inks deal with NASA to train astro-tourists looking to buy a seat to the International Space Station

The mile high club is so last decade.

No Wiggle room: Two weeks after angry bike shop customers report mystery orders on their accounts, firm confirms payment cards delinked

Just saying

Lycra and beer bellies do not a good combination make

The National Museum of Computing goes Marie Kondo at Christmas: Luckily all the Lego sparks joy

Ice Cream tub

I didn't realise Lego curator was an actual job, I thought it was just like playing with Lego but not actually sticking the bricks together, it's amazing what you learn on el Reg. I hope they used upcycled ice cream tubs for the sorting as per regulation Lego play.

The UK's Civil Aviation Authority asked drone orgs to email fliers' data in an Excel spreadsheet

Confused

But I thought Sophie O'Sullivan was head of marketing though, I could be wrong.

Perhaps the excel spreadsheet would get heavier when all the data is added, either way it'll never fly.

Up in the heir: Inheritors enduring huge delays after botched migration at UK probate service

Staying alive could be a viable workaround

Google goes full Anti-Flash-ist, boots Adobe's insecure monstrosity out of web search index

No more tween anims then

Aw, bad day at your air-conditioned, somewhat clean desk? Try shifting a 40-tonne fatberg

It's well known that fatberg size can be measured in Kiloglobules squared

1 globule unit = 1 big mac

Your kids will be glad a UK government-funded robot will be changing your nappy and not them

Better done by care-bots

Hello Dave, it looks like you shat yourself again, would you like me to change you?

Time to check who left their database open and leaked 7.5m customer records: Hi there, Adobe Creative Cloud!

The A Team

Sounds like a job for Dido Harding ( cough - Talk Talk - cough )

Inside the 1TB ImageNet data set used to train the world's AI: Naked kids, drunken frat parties, porno stars, and more

Pron

No m'lud, I wasn't watching pron, I was training my AI system.

It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it.

What simultaneously sucks and doesn't? This new robot vacuum cleaner

Good but...

Auto hoovers give me cause for concern, a meat based operative has the faculty to determine whether an object is to be sucked up or not. That all important missing pc screw or ear ring is cause to turn off suction mode temporarily to retrieve the errant item.

I'm fearful that although these are keenly priced, they could lead to the cats disappearance with that much suction.

Japanese hotel chain sorry that hackers may have watched guests through bedside robots

Re: Receptasaurus

Be careful not to mention Skynet!

Receptasaurus

Meat based staff, love it!

That's a generic moniker I expect we'll be seeing a lot more of on el Reg. but I wonder if it fully applies to vegans, just wondering?

Tetraplegic patient can now move his four limbs with the help of a badass neuroprosthetic suit

Great device, has notes of Ripley at the end of Alien 2 when shes's battling that big mo fo alien

'Six' in the city: Kiwi sportswear shop telly beamed X-rated flicks for hours over weekend

Cuffed

I expect once the offender is reprimanded, he'll be in for a stiff sentence

Adobe results show it is still creaming those subscriptions but its share price fell – why?

Old school

I remember installing software from a Cd-rom on my computer, how quaint

In Hemel Hempstead, cycling is as bad as taking a leak in the middle of the street

It may be stretchy, but

Lycra and beer bellies are definitely filed under 'sportswear fails'

UK.gov: Huge mobile masts coming to a grassy hill near you soon

Beanz meanz heinz

All this started with two empty baked bean cans and some string, look at the mess it's got us into.

My god, it's full of tsars: A gun-toting Russian humanoid robot is on its way to the International Space Station

Thinking of Mars Attacks

We come in peace.

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

One goes up, one stays on the ground and one gets ready: It's a week in space

not enough space

Should the title not read, a week in spaaaaaace?

Who left a database of emails, credit cards, plain-text passwords, and more open to the web this week? Tech Data, come on down!

Snafu

Get ready for the "only a handful of customers appear to have been compromised" corporate statement

Yay, you lose weight and get rad hardened in space! Nay, your genes go awry and your brain slows down when you return to Earth!

Longer preferable

Shorter telomeres are the bain of my life

Humanity gazes into the abyss to get its first glimpse of a black hole

That's not a hole, it's a space station

Back to drawing board as Google cans AI ethics council amid complaints over right-wing member

An ethics board surely would need a spread of opinions to be fully representative, not just cosy viewpoints that has the board reaching for their teddies else the whole process of selecting an ethics board would be entirely impossible.

McAfee – the completely sane guy, not the biz – told to fork out $25m over 'torture, murder' of his Belize neighbor

It sniff wasn't sniff me sniff guv!

No yoke: 'Bored' Aussie test pilot passes time in the cockpit by drawing massive knobs in the air

Like a high altitude etch-a-sketch

Sussex rap fan wants statue of Easy-E from NWA in his hometown because he's a 'legend'

Bell

Perhaps a statue of Guy Stevens made from the molten end of an old town bell would be more relevant

UK Foreign Office offers Assange a doctor if he leaves Ecuador embassy

Bad toothy peg

Perhaps leaking national security information was not such a great idea after all. Methinks the UK gov are trying the softly, softly catchee Jules rendition approach.