Posts by Mr Dogshit

Tracy Emin dons funeral shroud, marries stone

How is this even legal?

I bet you couldn't even marry a stone in California.

Did it say "I do"?

Google publishes list of Certificate Authorities it doesn't trust

Here's my list of companies I don't trust

1. Google

FBI says NY judge went too far in ruling the FBI went too far in forcing Apple to unlock iPhone

Why doesn't Obama just pick up the phone, call Apple and tell them to stop being such dicks?

Law enforcement trumps lefty wet dreams any day.

Everything bad in the world can be traced to crap Wi-Fi

You describe a strange, alien world which I do not frequent.

Oh, and it's "railway station", not "train station".

Microsoft gets into the advanced intrusion sniffer game – but only for Windows 10

"trialing"

There is no such verb as "to trial". Something it either "on trial" or it is "being tried".

Google robo-car backs into bendy-bus in California

It's one thing for these vehicles to trundle up and down straight desert roads in California. Quite how a "Google AV" would cope on a B road in Scotland in December in the pouring rain with roadworks and a couple of loose sheep is anyone's guess.

Building a fanless PC is now realistic. But it still ain't cheap

HP microserver.

SpaceShipTwo ready to slip the surly bonds of Earth for Virgin Galactic

Trade Descriptions Act

How do they get away with calling this thing a "space ship"?

Hey, beardy! The USS Enterprise is a space ship. Blake's 7's Liberator is a space ship.

Some shitty aeroplane which goes slightly higher than other aeroplanes isn't.

Solution to tech bros' disgust of SF homeless people launched

Satire As A Service

Yahoo! is! up! for! sale! – so! how! much! will! you! bid!?

Yeah but

She's quite easy on the eye, you have to admit it.

UK to stop children looking at online porn. How?

"Pornhub will comply fully with any robust legislative and relevant local measures that emerge from this consultation," said a spokeswoman for the site."

Won't someone think of the children?

Are you thinking of the children?

Bomb hoax server hoster reportedly cuffed in France

I don't get it

Why/how does a telephone network receive anonymous VoIP calls and merrily pass them on to the subscriber?

When asked 'What's a .CNT file?' there's a polite way to answer

Re: Christ

Well if the EXE really is missing, you take the next step in the troubleshooting process and you continue to do so until you sort the damn problem out. You don't make a stupid sarcastic comment to the user in order you can quote it years later in the hope it'll make you look smug, clever and/or superior.

Christ

Right-click - New - Shortcut - IEXPLORE.EXE - Next - Finish

"You're welcome. Have a nice day."

Send tortuous stand-up ‘nine-thirty’ meetings back to the dark ages

"giant aquarium"

"giant terrarium" surely?

RSA awards 7-year infrastructure overhaul deal to Wipro

Huh?

"a shift from Lotus Notes and Microsoft Exchange to Outlook and Yammer"

How does that work? Are they using Notes as the client to talk to Exchange?

Anyway, best not outsource your IT to a manufacturer of vegetable oils.

Facebook tells Belgian government its use of English invalidates privacy case

Re: Go home Yanks

"you need a translator to talk to them"

No, you need an interpreter.

Ginni Rometty to pocket $4.5m bonus for IBM leadership

Re: Lotus Notes servers

No such thing as "Lotus Notes servers". Lotus hasn't existed as a company, indeed a brand for eons. Notes is the name of the email client - the server is called Domino. Perhaps because it falls over?

This gun says you ain’t leaving until my PC is fixed

Normal for Norfolk

I was a field service engineer back in the nineties, and my patch included Norfolk.

One day I went to a gentleman who was a little strange. I nearly stood on a dead rabbit as I entered his house, which he said was going to be his dinner. He wasn't threatening, but just really creepy and the house was full of shotguns. The next week when I had to go back, I rang the office from a payphone on the village green (mobile signal stopped at Cambridge in those days) and told them I was about to go in to Mr Yokel's house, and if they didn't hear from me in an hour's time, to call the police. They found this very funny.

My next job was also field service. One of my colleagues got locked in by a little old lady, somehow he called the police and she got a telling off.

Here's the best tale. It was circa 1999, and this whole Internet thing was taking off and everyone wanted to get connected. The firm I worked for sold PCs, and some genius decided that for a small fee, punters could have an engineer unpack their PC, set it up, get them signed up with an ISP and show them how to use the mouse. We hated it, as we had enough to do fixing stuff. It would take an hour and twenty minutes at best by the time you'd unpacked all the peripherals out of the cardboard boxed and got the sodding 5.1 speakers out of the little plastic bags.

Anyway, one day I was sent to a less well-off suburb of Peterborough. Long story short, the bloke didn't have a credit card, and you needed a credit card to sign up to the ISP.

I plugged the whole thing in, printer, scanner, the lot. "Am I on the Internet?" said the customer. I broke the news as best I could. He got a bit funny and told me to take the PC away. I didn't have that authority, so I phoned Customer Service and explained the situation. At this point, he got out two large oriental swords and started swinging them around.

I noted that he was between me and the front door, and that door was locked.

My exact thought at the time was "I wonder what will happen next."

I played Snake on my trusty Nokia whilst the punter swung his swords round the kitchen. After a couple of minutes he said "It seems, Mr McCann, you are unable to help me."

"So it would seem", I said. He let me out, and I jumped in the car and locked the doors.

Company policy was changed after that.

Yahoo dumps 13.5TB of users' news interaction data for machine eating

Yahoo's got 20 million users?

Engineer's bosses gave him printout of his Yahoo IMs. Euro court says it's OK

Get back to work.

Hacks rebel after bosses secretly install motion sensors under desks

Re: What the hack...

What MAC?

A Big Mac? A MAC address?

UK energy minister rejects 'waste of money' smart meters claim

Just don't do it

There is no law that says you have to have a "smart" meter. Mine had to be replaced in December - I rang them and said I wanted an ordinary meter.

No problem. The bloke from Lowry Beck turned up and replaced it with a normal one. I had a nice long chat with him. He said he was supposed to sing the praises of these thing but thought they were a load of nonsense.

Like identity cards, this is something nobody needed or wanted, which is going to cost a fortune and end up being a massive failure.

Ruskie rats selling Choose-Your-Own-Adventure love scams

Slow news day?

Aroused Lycra-clad cyclist prompts Manchester cop dragnet

Well I think she should be entitled to com pen say shun.

Oklahoma bloke cuffed for Chrimbo caprine coupling

You've got to be kidding

'Powerful blast' at Glasgow City Council data centre prompts IT meltdown

If the amount of kit in your data centre changes significantly, you need to have the fire suppression people recalculate the amount of gas needed. Too little gas, and the fire isn't extinguished.

Too much gas... and you can blow the walls out.

Lenov-lol, a load of Tosh, and what the Dell? More bad holes found in PC makers' bloatware

"the MS corrupted HD"

Ha ha ha ha ha

ha ha ha

Mooncalf

And the reasons for buying new IT gear are as follows ...

Re: That photo

Yes, we all know that, thanks.

The massive bit of green plastic, like a Qualcast lawnmower gives it away.

British woman loses £1.6 million to romance scam love rats

"Victims of this fraud must understand that they are not foolish "

... you're not foolish for sending £1.6 million via Western Union to a couple of 419ers you've never met?

Sounds like the very definition of foolish to me.

BT inks deal with HP Enterprise – beams cloud to biz customers

Please

"to ink" is not a verb.

Hate your broadband ISP? Simply tell your city to build one – that'll get the telcos' attention

Oh yeah

This really works well in Kingston-upon-Hull. Not.

US gourmets sizzle in bacon-scented underwear

I like

vertical bacon.

RAF web survey asks for bank details via unencrypted email

Re: call me naive, but....

Yeah, this is something I have never understood. In more civilised (continental European) countries you pay someone by transferring money to their account. They provide you with the details, you transfer the money, they see the money has arrived - job done. No fannying about with cheques.

Malvertising: How the ad model makes crime pay

Why is there a picture of a gavel?

Is there an auction involved somehow?

Yahoo! Mail! is! still! a! thing!, tries! blocking! Adblock! users!

"Uh oh."

I tried to download a few photos from Flickr the other day. It said I had to sign up for a Yahoo! account and wanted my mobile number.

Your taxes at work: Three hours driving to turn on politician's PC

Re: Why fucking green and fucking orange Arrrggghhh!!!!

I had a telly once with a power off indicator. The LED was on to tell you the TV was off.

Microsoft and Google ink SECRET TREATY to end all their patent wars

"to ink" is not a verb.

Never has been.

Exam board in 'send all' fail: Hands up who knows what the BCC button is for?

Don't worry

Be MAPI

CPS fined £200k over theft of laptops holding 'sensitive interviews'

Who prosecutes the CPS?

Cost of BitLocker: £0.00

What a herd of muppets

Opera Jon's sparkling Vivaldi proves the browser isn't dead

Hmm

I've been running Opera 12.17 for years.

I reinstalled my neighbour's laptop and went to install a proper browser. Put the latest version of Opera on and couldn't believe what a massive pile of crap it is.

I've tried early versions of Vivaldi - sadly it's just a reskinned version of the beloved Google's chromium and last time I looked on Vivaldi's forum, it was phoning home to Google's IP addresses, so I hope they've knocked that one on the head.

Sad.

Defeated HP will put Helion cloud out of its misery in January 2016

Wah wah waaaaaah!

Launched in May 2014. That went well.

‘Insufficient evidence’ makes Brit cops drop revenge porn probes

I don't get it

If you want to avoid having nekkid pictures/videos of you spread around, don't let anyone take them in the first place. Is that so difficult?

HP creates laptop for SITH LORDS

Good grief

And people call me sad.

AdBlock blocker biz bought

Blimey, this is spooky

Just as I was reading this, Adblock Plus was updating itself to a newer version on my PC. I clicked cancel.

If you got Netflix for Miss Marple, you're out of luck (and a bit odd)

I have absolutely no idea

what any of that meant.

KARMA POLICE: GCHQ spooks spied on every web user ever

Oh no!

Spies found to be spying!

How to build a server room: Back to basics

It's a Dell something. Massive green chunk of plastic, like a Qualcast lawnmower.

Seagate births 8TB triplets and a 2TB mobile nipper

Since when is "to birth" a verb?

Eh?