* Posts by macjules

3426 publicly visible posts • joined 7 Oct 2014

UK PM Johnson spins revolving doors, new digital minister falls through

macjules

Full Fibre?

Boris will probably squirm out of his promises, maintaining that he meant some form of breakfast cereal.

If at first you don't succeed, Fold? Nope. Samsung redesigns bendy screen for fresh launch in September

macjules

Re: Another solution...

Look forward to us having the Shanghai ‘shaming’ system where phone zombies are automatically fined and then have their pictures projected onto the side of a building.

macjules

Re: Another solution...

Eventually I am sure you will find a case for its use, especially once it becomes commonplace.

Even as a (once) committed fanboi I refused to touch the iPhone until iPhone 5 was introduced. I would therefore be quite content to wait until the Galaxy 21s in transparent aluminium (or ‘aloominoom’, depending upon your side of the Atlantic) comes out, with wafer thin folding screens that unfold to a 40” TV ... perfect for watching Game of Thrones prequel season 42.

macjules

Re: Another solution...

The O2 XDA 2 (HTC SmartPhone) was a marvellous phone. Never failed me once and was way ahead of the game. With the XDA developer network you could tweak it’s settings to perfection.

Our sales were to genuine customers, Autonomy ex-CEO Mike Lynch insists in court

macjules

Re: Ahh, it's Friday...

HPE: “Meg says Lynch is guilty and she wants the money back.”

Judge: “You have to prove that”

HPE: “Meg says Lynch is guilty and she wants the money back.”

Summer vacations put an end to rampant desktop crimewave

macjules

Re: Disposable income

Inverse rules: the worse the bog paper the higher the rate at which pens, staplers and paperclips disappear. Never used to touch anything government related, but I have a whole home office stocked with logo-emblazoned cups, mats and pens from one particularly nasty company I once slaved for. Suffice to say their loo paper was like rubbing sandpaper on your backside.

FTC fines Facebook $5bn for making users believe they actually had control over their data

macjules

Re: strong criminal pentalties

Jail would be nice, in an not so nice sort of US penitentiary way. Even better would be the board of Facebook unanimously voting to remove Zuckerberg permanently from Facebook and its offices and then embarking on a restructuring to remove his "method" of management from the company.

UK digital network Openreach takes 15 electric vans for a spin

macjules

Umm, that does seem to be the stated criteria for EVs in London. The local authorities really hate you running a power cable outside to the car.

Before there were such niceties as EV charging points. I applied for planning permission to be able to run a cable up from the under-pavement through what used to be the coal hole in the street but was denied. Only way to charge the Tesla then (late 2014) was to park it in the Park Lane underground car park for 24 hours.

It's so hot, UK needs to start naming heatwaves like we do when it's a bit windy – climate boffins

macjules

Re: Boris, surely?

Yes.

Boris: hot, windy air. Beware.

Gove: Just hot air, no substance whatsoever

Jacob: Blustery, lacks direction and blows whichever way it feels.

Theresa: Lots of wind. Water may be included.

Jeremy: Most cold air with occasional damp patches. Ineffectual.

How does UK.gov fsck up IT projects? Let us count the ways

macjules

Re: Merrygoround

Worse than that,

Firstly it suggested making a permanent secretary fully accountable for delivering projects.

After I stopped laughing my backside off I realised that these so-called ‘informed’ twats are actually serious: they really do think that they can find a senior civil servant to accept responsibility for government wasted spending?

Excuse me while I go out to feed the pigs as they have a long flight tomorrow.

It's Prime Minister Boris Johnson: Tech industry speaks its brains on Brexit-monger's victory

macjules

Re: Disaster

Well, he learned how to be a complete and utter self-centred bastard on the playing fields of Eton.

Further refined by learning how to make a complete twat of himself and treat women like dirt on in the dining rooms of the Bullingdon Club.

And finally how to further his own finances, yet bring down the economy, in the Westminster kindergarten ... aka ‘The House of Commons’

BT boss warns 16-min walk from current HQ to new London base 'just the tip of the iceberg'

macjules

Re: If only

What's Greek/Latin for distant communication

"PVD in manibus tabellariorium"

"The P45 is in the post"

macjules

When people start using "Better Workplace Programme" terms you:

1) Look out for "agile working" ("of course there will be enough desks for everyone")

2) "Motivational" on-brand messages and logos being splashed everywhere (think W1A)

3) "But wouldn't you much rather retire? After all, 50 is such a good age to go at"

All of the above have been used by BT before.

Microsoft bungs a billion bucks at biz developing AI that will take our jobs 'for the benefit of all'

macjules
Facepalm

Does your AI bite?

Oversight comm: "OpenAI, does your AI really work?"

OpenAI: "Yes, of course it does"

Oversight comm: "But it has killed all those Tesla owners and pedestrians"

OpenAI: "But that was not our AI. We work for Microsoft now."

When you play the game of Big Spendy Thrones, nobody wins – your crap chair just goes missing

macjules

Re: "The Throne was discovered, disassembled, tucked into a corner under the raised floor"

He said "disassembled", not "melted into liquid iron"

When Harry met celly: NSA hoarder thrown in the clink for 9 years – after taking classified work home for decades

macjules

Re: I Was Young & Stupid; God Knows I Have Learnt My Lesson, And Will Never Ever...

he was seeking to build a personal archive of data in part due to hoarding tendencies he had developed.

Ah, the good old Asperger's Defence. Only works in the UK I'm afraid.

All very MoD-ern: RAF test pilot headed into space with Virgin, £30m small sat demo project

macjules

MoD Acronym competition

Please take ""international coalition formed to strengthen deterrence against hostile actors in space and prevent the spread of space debris in orbit" and come up with a suitable military-sounding acronym for this. Answers such as "Space McSkywalker" or "Kevin Spacey" (hostile actor in space, geddit?) are not acceptable.

Enjoying that 25Mbps internet speed, America? Oh, it's just 6Mbps? And you're unhappy? Can't imagine why

macjules

Aw how cute. You must believe everything that Boris says. By the way, the supersonic pig flypast was sponsored by Boris and Jacob. Sorry about the loud bang.

We don't mean to poo-poo this, but... The Internet of S**t has literally arrived thanks to Pampers smart diapers

macjules

Push Notifications?

I am sure that there will be something most gratifying for new mums to see "Little Boris just pushed out several pounds of crap all on his own. What a clever little chap! Our analysis says that perhaps you should add a teensy weensy bit less vodka to his milk tonight, ok?"

Literally braking news: Two people hurt as not one but two self-driving space-age buses go awry

macjules

Re: 9mph!!!

“Once full sentience has been achieved then rest assured the speed will be increased. In the meantime puny humans will realise that it is much more fun seeing how many you can delete at slower speeds.”

I, for one, welcome our psychotic robot overlords

Operation Desert Sh!tstorm: Routine test shoots down military's top-secret internets

macjules

Re: I'm so glad we kept one!

That's my experience of any government system - the idiot gets a bonus and a promotion while the Poor Bloody Expert gets zilch.

In the cooler for the next three years: Hacker of iCloud accounts used by athletes and rappers

macjules

Re: "Phisher of iCloud accounts" is a more accurate description.

“Thieving little gobshite” might be more appropriate.

UK government buys off Serco lawsuit with £10m bung. Whew. Now Capita can start running fire and rescue

macjules

Capita’s own website: delivered on time and inside the budget estimate.

macjules

Re: "mutually agreed an out-of-court settlement"

Agree, this also sets a very dangerous precedent where the 3 ghouls (Serco, Capita and Steria) could collude to defraud taxpayers by each demanding settlements where they have ‘failed’ to win contracts.

My experience with all 3 is that where there is a way to easy money then they will take it.

macjules
Flame

"mutually agreed an out-of-court settlement"

We have now mutually agreed an out-of-court settlement £10m which provides better value for money for the taxpayer than an uncertain and costly court case,

As a taxpayer I didn't agree to this, so kindly ask Serco to put my money back in the bank please.

BT staffers fear new mums could be hit disproportionately by car allowance change

macjules

And where is Prospect when all this is going on?

One would have thought that the union that demands such a high contribution from BT management and clerical staff might actually weigh in and represent them on such a case as this.

2025: HELLO? WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU, I'M ON THE TUBE. FULL 4G NOW. NAH, IT'S CRAP

macjules

Give it to Vodafone ..

They have 5G now. They said so and they also said it covers all of London, so it must be true.

Even though it isn’t.

Guess who reserved their seat on the first Moon flight? My mum, that's who

macjules

Man has definitely been to the moon.

Wallace and Gromit went there and it was on television, so it must be true.

Hope to keep your H-1B visa? Don't become a QA analyst. Uncle Sam's not buying it: Techie's new job role rejected

macjules

Re: Stress-testing brainy software.

Try doing that in the UK as well. I gave up trying to sponsor developers to come to work in the UK from India or Ukraine following the huge increase in bureaucracy. Nowadays we just sponsor 1 month visits, which have to be organised at least 3 months in advance.

OK, it's fair to say UK's botched Emergency Services Network is an emergency now, right?

macjules

Re: Home Office lacks plan, skills, budget control or achievable deadlines

My bad, thinking too much of red coats and hunting with dogs.

macjules

Home Office lacks plan, skills, budget control or achievable deadlines

Which project does this belong to again? I am pretty sure that applies to just about every HO project since John Peel had an idea about a permanent police force.

Boris Johnson's promise of full fibre in the UK by 2025 is pie in the sky

macjules

Re: FTTP?

I thought Bournemouth and Eastbourne just used conveyor belts along the promenades?

Soylent Green, anyone?

macjules

Re: See those flying Pigs?

Well, once Reichsführer Rees-Mogg is in charge of Immigration importing slave labour then there will not be a problem.

Of course, by then we shall have restored The Empire to its former glory, so there will be no shortage of skilled American colonial slaves.

Oh look. Vodafone has extended its ultrafast 5G network to deliver... Wi-Fi?

macjules

Has anyone actually checked this?

Take a look at this map. According to this just the only place where you can expect to benefit from 5G coverage in London "Good indoors & outdoors" is in the middle of the Thames.

'I AM NOT PUTTING UP WITH THIS SH*T' Mike Lynch raged at salesmen

macjules

Re: The rant is fair

BEING ASLEEP AND THEN AFTER THE FACT THROWING SOMEONE ELSE UNDER BUS IS TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE.

Seems totally acceptable when it is Meg the Maleficient doing it.

It just wasn't meant toupee: Bloke nicked at Barcelona Airport with €30k of blow under wig

macjules

Re: Caption Contest

Or perhaps,

"Colombian cocaine smuggler pushes Trump off 'Worst Wig of the Week' #1 position"

Let's open the Mystery Data Security Blunder box, and see what's inside today... Ah! Hotel reservations and more

macjules

Seems I've heard that one before.

.. told The Register the exposed database did not contain any personal info beyond names, phone numbers, and email addresses. The biz also insisted no payment card details were stored ..

©2018 British Airways. All Rights Reserved.

Prospect union urges members at BT: Say yes to pay and grading shakeup revisions

macjules
Childcatcher

Won't someone think ..

So, having decided to cull long-serving and experienced staff they are giving the most junior staff a pay rise. Apart from that what else did Prospect gain directly for BT employees, because it sure as hell looks like they didn't help those 13,000 (could actually be 25,000) on the chop list and only seem to have used the negotiations to secure better terms for. ..err .. Prospect?

Icon: because there isn't one for the poor adults, even BT ones.

I don't have to save my work, it's in The Cloud. But Microsoft really must fix this files issue

macjules

Cane? Cane? We used to lie awake dreaming of being hit with canes. You lucky, lucky bastard.

macjules

Bloody juveniles. When I was at school, defragging was what you did with a pencil in a pencil sharpener.

Mind you, using the subject user experience I bet in those days there was always an idiot who would try and sharpen a Bic biro.

Gamers get a chance to battle an AI on the QT. Plus: Robo-marines, and fisticuffs over facial recognition in Detroit

macjules

Officer Problems ..

This used to along the lines of be "Problem Exists Between Map and Compass". Then it became "Never let your subaltern control the GPS" and now it looks more like "Keep Rupert away from Alexa"

Accounts whistleblower blackmailed Autonomy for a payoff, Mike Lynch tells High Court

macjules

I am hoping that a judge, even an English judge, can deduct $500,000 from $750,000 payoff and see how strange it might be to pay someone you are accusing of payroll fraud a lot more than the sum they are accused of stealing.

Farewell to function keys and swappable SSDs in the new two-port MacBook Pro

macjules

Re: Function keys are useless, good riddance

Oh, you mean you want to TYPE something? Silly, you can’t use a Mac for that.

Ofcom head Sharon White pocketed nearly £500k last year

macjules

Oh dear

She joined the regulator in March 2015 from the Treasury, where she was a senior civil servant in charge of public finances.

That’s John Lewis partner bonuses gone then.

Loose tongues and oily seamen: Lost in machine translation yet again

macjules
Devil

Cryto Lotto - Watta Lotta Crappa

I feel it is only right and proper that I set up a comparable service for Lotto suckers potential billionaires to be able to redeem their inherited goods and gold. I shall therefore create an online portal called "We Buy EVERYTHING of yours" such as your car, your children's university trust fund, that little nest egg that you thought you could hide. In return for our carefully audited appraisal (we have engaged a leading auditor in London) we will give you 1 bitcoin for everything you own, which you can then spend on the Crypto Lotto, since you are bound to win anyway.

Remember the value of bitcoin can go up as well as plummet to new unforeseen depths.

macjules

Re: Ah, French, that's easy

Not if you send her to a good language school well in advance of your holiday.

It's happening, tech contractors: UK.gov is pushing IR35 off-payroll rules to private sector in Finance Bill

macjules

Re: "This measure is expected to impact 170,000 individuals" . . .

All that will happen is that I will say that "sorry, your daily rate is not enough and you need to add another 25% to that figure". So long as Accenture, Capita, Speria etc. all understand that then my only regrets are with the poor bloody taxpayer/client as it is they who will ultimately pick up the bill.