Posts by Ascylto

Lord Lamont joins Phorm board

Lame-ont.

It all goes to prove the theory that incompetence, like some turds, floats.

Mine's the one with dud cheques in the pocket.

Apple shares mobile display plugs with outside world

Stating the bleedin' obvious!

"And we all know that Apple never met a revenue stream that it didn't embrace."

And I wonder if that's why it has at least 25 billion dollars cash in the bank?

Um ... Apple is a big corporation that sells its products to consumers, and very successfully it would seem ... so why the snide comments? Duh!

Pret A Manger goes wireless

Oh yeah!

“dramatically reduce queuing times” is marketingspeak for 'dramatically reduce staffing costs'.

HP could impose compulsory redundancies for EDS staff

Volunteer?

Why should any EDS staff volunteer for voluntary redundancy?

There must be loads more government IT projects in the UK they haven't screwed up ... yet!

Ballmer's bid to swerve 'Vista Capable' row comes unstuck

Scary!

Ballmer looks almost human in that picture.

It must be the specs!

Government data review grants more data sharing power

Ministry of Justice!

I've never really understood the Second Amendment to the US Constitution ...

"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

Until now, that is!

Mine the one with the RFID tag sewn into the lining.

Virgin Mobile Lobster 621 budget phone

Just in time for ...

Christmas!

I suppose they're hoping the Lobster will feature in goods bought by Santa Claws!

Gov to Manchester: No new trams without road pricing

@Dan and many others

Proof (if any were needed) that you CAN'T fool all the people all the time. This congestion charge malarkey is one big con. if it wasn't, why would they need to spend £3,000,000 on an advertising campaign to convince us to vote 'yes'? Hoon's intervention is just the latest in trying to instill fear (and, yes, we SHOULD be afraid of government ministers!).

I am often minded of Vienna and its transport system. Admittedly, they were wise enough not to remove their tramways after WWII but when I'm in the city I can get a weekly ticket which gives me 7 days of unlimited travel on Bus, Tram, Night Bus, Local Railways and Metro within a large zone. The cost? €14.50, just over £12 ... that's about 3 days of Tram only use in Manchester. In Vienna I don't even THINK about how I'm going to get somewhere because I know the transport will be there. It's cheap, clean, safe and frequent.

Mancunians ... don't fall for the bribes and lies!

Apple sued over Jesus Phone 'hairline cracks'

My 3G is...

... just fine. I found a crack in the casing near the connector at the base. Truth to tell, it was probably me trying to force it into a dock connector which wasn't shaped to take the 3G iPhone. I took it back to my local Apple Store. They replaced it immediately and without question, even transferring all my stuff.

Result:

No lawsuit.

Happy (if slightly guilty) customer.

Such people give Americans a bad name. Where else would someone sue McDonalds for supplying coffee which was hot and not labelled as such. Makes them look stupid. But then again there's the Shrub!

'UK workers bear brunt of global HP job losses': Unite

Shame!

Does this mean EDS will make fewer cock-ups in UK Government IT?

Let's face it, they've led a charmed life up to now. One EDS employee said to me, "There are still loads of government IT projects for us to make a mess of."

Personally, I'd have sacked them after their first debacle. It makes one think there might be some 'kick-backs' somewhere ... Gods forfend this be true!

Paris, 'coz she knows how to blow a good IT project.

Universities reject Stasi role

Gestasi

"End off term peppers, pliss!"

Roberts Ecologic 1 portable DAB radio

Why no sleep mode?

Again and again firms lose out to Sony who, on their £50 DAB radio, have a sleep function which turns the radio off automatically after a predetermined number of minutes. A simple piece of chippery which has forced me to buy Sony when I prefer other products.

Palin didn't know Africa is a continent, McCain aides say

Same Party

The 'Hockey Mom', gun-totin', Alaskan is in the same party as The Shrub, Yes?

So what's new?

Apple opens Macbook front in iPhone jailbreak war

OMG...

Am I seeing things?

Can this be true?

A BALANCED article about the iPhone?

From an El Reg contributor?

If you're not careful, El Reg, you may get an invite to an Apple Event !!!

iPhone users to get get-out call

Oh, so close ...

Right up to the last line ...

then you showed the colour of your knickers!

Apple iPod, iPhone wonk: iQuit?

Shock! Horror!

Man may or may not have left company to spend more time with family.

Nothing new here. Move along please.

Analyst predicts iPhone decline

Off with their heads!

From a UK perspective ...

This is like the BBC ... it gives airtime and programmes to discredited politicians – Aitken, Archer, Blunkett.

Off with their heads!

Windows 7 borrows from OS X, avoids Vista

@ Webster Freaky

So, the ECT didn't work then?

Still, I'm sure you enjoyed the break with the doctors and nurses and the nice man with the electric probes.

Plymouth nurse punted panties on eBay

Nurse ... the screens!

Can you imagine taking an 'old-fashioned' Matron around a modern hospital?

"This is the Nurses' Station."

"What's that for?"

It's where the nurses stand around when they're not looking after patients."

"What do you mean 'not looking after patients'? That's their job!"

"Well, it's where they run their sidelines on eBay."

Rat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat

(Sound of Matron using her Uzi on the nurses)

BBC's TV detector vans to remain a state secret

Meg-ahertz

Anyone who knows anything knows that Mystic Meg is inside the van, complete with crystal ball.

Speaking clock gets Disneyfied

The Voice

At least it's a North American voice (as hideous as that is) and not one (as one might expect from BT) sourced in a sub-continent far, far away ...

Hello, this is Derek, with hopings you are seeking the time in a correct manner ... pip ... pip ... piiiiiip.

Intel badmouths Jesus Phone

Grapes (Sour)

Well, I'm shocked!

Of course this has nothing whatever to do with Apple switching chip supplier.

Muslim leader rejects Sony's LittleBigPlanet edit

@ halfcut

An absolute gem! I hope you haven't copyrighted it!

Judge: Breath test firm must hand over source code

That's Fine then ...

CMI would rather pay more that a million dollars fine that reveal its secret sauce. Hmmm... sounds like there's something for the lawyers to get their teeth into there!

Mine's the one with a mate's urine specimen in the inside pocket.

Goo-Hoo! faces EU anti-trust probe

Praise be ...

I was really worried ... an item by Cade Metz which was not overtly anti-Apple! But then joe came to the rescue with a Steve Jobs with Horns piccy.

I can relax.

Mozilla security chief: Apple should open up

Mo who?

How can you take someone seriously who ...

a) Has a name Window Snyder

b) Has worked for Microsoft and opines about security

!!!!!

Apple 'niche player' in touchscreen phone biz, says analyst

One percent ...

that's all Steve Jobs said he wanted ... one per cent of the mobile phone market. That's niche and that's good.

Go further and homeless people will have iPhones!

Some of these phones which claim to have touch interfaces count the fact you have to 'touch' the phone to use it!

Brits are Europe's biggest gadget buyers - official

@ Or, to put it into perspective

You believe statistics from the CIA?

There's a job for you in government!

Apple unsheathes Jesus Phone 2.1

@ Dimmer

The update restores a medium screen brightness. You can change this in settings. It's a feature, baby!

Oh ... one for the moderators et al ... would it be possible to show where the posts originate (e.g. UK/USA etc.,) as many of the problems discussed here I don't seem to experience in the UK?

BlackBerry redoubles iPhone challenge

Another Triumph ...

for the Murdochs!

World Camera offers enhanced reality via iPhone

And ...

Imagine walking around with your iPhone held up like that AND getting caught on the Google street camera!

Triple Twatpoints!

Microsoft eyes mobile app store

WOW!

Yet another innovation from Microsoft!

I'm not sure I can take much more of these moves into the future by the Gates/Ballmer monopolylith.

Designer moots Zune-friendly wireless speaker

European Zune

I wonder ... is the fact that Europe has not yet been blessed by the Zune due in any way to Europeans not being as gullible as the yanks?

Apple, O2 to release PAYG iPhones this month

Oh, yeah?

Remember the Motorola V3?

When it was introduced it had a price of $800!

The price of the iPhone will come down over time just as now you can get a V3 for under £20!

Stop whingeing. Early adopters have always paid a high price for what they want.

Best Buy removes craplets for $30

Good Idea!

$30 to get rid of Vista?

Value beyond measure!

British boffins perfect process to make any item '100% waterproof'

@ Nathan Hobbs

"Or to coat the decs and superstructure?"

Will it be good for Ants, too!

Sorry. Yes, that is my coat.

Council clamps down on 'man on the street'

With twats like them ...

do we wonder why our Council Taxes are so high?

Apple goes auntie over slasher comic

@ Greg

You can!

Windows Mobile gives instructions on how to get the comics on your WinMob device ...

Buy a copy of the New York Times (or newspaper of choice)

Cut out the comic strip of your choice

Discard remainder of newspaper

Buy glue

Stick comic strip to WinMob device

Remember to keep glue for next comic

There, see ... Familiar Software to Make your Life Easier!

Joss-sticks increase cancer risk: Official

PCPCPCPCPCPCPCPC

Do these researchers work for Chichester Council?

Jeery Jerry loves Vista, y'know

Hand biter ...

Jerry Seinfeld was born in 1954. He'll probably die, at least for TV purposes, in the next 10 years.

Microsoft will pay him ten million dollars for saying Windows Vista is great?

Jerry Seinfeld could be indicted for cannibalism (or at least defend Sharia Law).

Bush makes last-minute grab for civil liberties

WAR! And Rumours of WAR!

Hey, Webster, Bill Ray uses an Apple Computer!

The fuse having been lit, I shall now retire.

Apple tops customer satisfaction poll as rivals' ratings slide

@ Rob - Almost ...

Rob ... you almost got across some valid points and then you finish with ...

"Then i can tell them that finally they have reached the world of REAL computing and not just playing with pretty icons."

Which show you for what you really are ... a Tosser (and a bitter one at that!).

"Ok im only going to say this once"

and arrogant, too!

First Class Service

Ok, a concrete example ...

I recently had an issue with my iPhone syncing with my iMac desktop. I made an online appointment to see a 'Genius' in at a local (lucky for me) Apple Store and told them the problem. They couldn't solve it, stating they'd not come across the error messages before and promised to put the problem to the 'team'. Phone numbers were exchanged.

A week later I get a phone call from Apple Store ... head 'Genius' honcho asks if I'll bring my machine in for them to sort out free of charge (it's about 2.5 years old) ... oh, and if the computer is too heavy, phone from car park and a member of staff will help me. I'm going to take it in this week. This, by the way, follows them exchanging a non-working LaCie 1Tb drive for a new one when they couldn't even find my record of purchase!

It's all very well the naysayers having a go at Apple ... I don't know of another company which treats its customers like that and, oh boy, do I like it! And, no, Steve Jobs is not my lover!

Is Zune finally coming to Europe?

It's the Social, you know.

"Many European iPod haters have prayed for the Zune’s arrival."

So, that's eight people, then (well, the religious ones who pray, at least).

And well done to Andy Hards ... admitting you have a Zune is the first step.

Paris, because she looks as though she's trying to contact 'The Social'!

A third of Vista PCs downgraded to XP

Don't panic!

Zune is coming! (Probably).

Another 60 days' free MobileMe service, madam?

And in other news ...

Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer called a Press Conference today and apologised for the poor performance of Windows Vista.

Yeah, right!

Yes! It's the iPhone 3G telescope!

The case in point

The price of a tenner for the case and the monocular has to be a bargain when iPhone cases are a minimum of twenty quid!

You could get it and chuck the 'scope!

Go directly to jail ...

Looks like just the thing they'll arrest you for (in the UK). You'll be arrested under the Terrorism Act section 47 ... "Any person an authorised person considers may be a threat to whatever the authorised person considers may be threatened may be arrested and their DNA and fingerprints taken and held indefinitely for whatever reason the authorised person thinks up at the time ..."

42 days in chokey for peering too closely with your iPhone. Well, if you've nothing to hide ...

Mine's the one with the hidden microchip.

Sats blunder firm sacked

REAL Education

I implore all of you who would like to see what real education is about to watch the DVD/Film "Etre et Avoir" (subtitles in English). Forget SATS, here's a REAL teacher using his gifts.

You'll cry at what we've lost.

iPhone 3G isn't necessarily

I've got an iPhone

and it works well for me ...

I don't need a 500 megapixel camera. I've got a camera for that. The phone one is handy for snapping accidents and the occasional conflagration or a Civil Enforcement Officer (formerly known as a Traffic Warden) being uncivil.

I neither know nor care about HSDPA, QWPRS, GPSQT or any other of those whatevers. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad some of you do care about them because it's how we move ahead, but personally I don't care.

I don't want to carry around a pair of Bowers & Wilkins reference speakers for my music ... the iPod bit's just fine for me.

If I want to get to talk to a couple of people at the same time I don't want to have to navigate through menus and get all complicated, I want to just press a button ... the iPhone lets me do that with ease.

I've got a GPS navigator thing for my car ... it's in a drawer at home because I don't get out much now petrol is £6 a gallon. However, it's nice to know I can use an iPhone to find my destination and route.

I don't have the kind of job which requires video conferencing.

I enjoy watching full length movies on a train journey. My iPhone lets me do that on a reasonably sized screen.

No doubt I am the ideal 'demographic' type for this device.

The iPhone ain't perfect but I find it interesting that it seems to provoke such massive interest after so short a time in production. Also, I've never seen such a flurry of 'me too' activity in the mobile telephone sector since the advent of the iPhone.

Oh, to the techno people I'm sure their N99s, M42s, P45s are superior but I often smell a little sourness in their offerings and the likes of W Phreaky just confirm that a new version of National Socialism is a mere breath away.