Posts by JJKing

New Capita system has left British Army recruits unable to register online

How bloody typical.

So they have been left, right, left, right in the shit until march? (Sorry, that was really, really bad)

So which sub-continent company was responsible for that coding shite? I suppose that contract will not have a clause that states if the shit don't work, you don't get paid and now the sub-continent company will get paid even more to fix up their crap mess.

Just love the way pollies in every country on this planet squander and/or pilfer the taxpayer's money yet still sleep soundly at night and never take responsibility for their cockups. They should all lose their bloody pensions and not be allowed to claim any unemployment benefits.

Firing squads are too good for those arseholes.

Shingled out: 14TB helium-filled Toshiba drive floats to market

How long....................................................................

Anyone any idea how long a RAID rebuild would take on one of these?

A helium of a long time?

_{Mine's the one floating around the ceiling.}

Opportunity rover survives Martian winter for eighth time

Re: Martian Winter

Potatoes? Surely not - those are the things that primitive earth people peel with metal knives then boil in water for twenty earth minutes then smash all to bits ... Martians have a much more advanced cuisine.

According to a Mars documentary that I watched, they apparently mix vicodin in with theirs.

_{Mine's the one with all the prescriptions in the pocket.}

Federal police didn't delete all copies of journalist's metadata

Give them an inch (2.54cm) and they'll take ALL your metadata and keep it.

Who polices the police who police the police? Seems like nobody 99.999% of the time.

Russian rocket snafu may have just violently dismantled 19 satellites

Don't read this. It's too cringeworthy.

So they tried Putin the satellites into space but only suckseadead in Putin them in the ocean.

_{Mine's the one with the bad pun bible I've been Putin in the pocket.}

Apple: Sure, we banned VPN iOS apps in China, but, um, er, art!

Which side, which side?

Who's side are they on?

Why their own of course.

Brace yourselves, fanboys. Winter is coming. And the iPhone X can't handle the cold

Some can't handle the study!

My daughter was one of 7 females that started her programming degree in a class of 76 students. She was one of three females and 18 males that graduated.

Surely it's not about meeting these so called diversity targets but more of equal pay for equal work and equal respect. No point having 50/50 male / female workforce if the female half are get paid 30 - 40% less then their male counterparts who are doing the same or even lesser work. Even 5% less for the same work is wrong!

Learn client-server C programming – with this free tutorial from the CIA

Step 1, adjust tinfoil protection wear.

TLAs, the gifts that keep on giving.

Telstra drops nbn™ in it as it wears compo for broadband speed ads

Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics.

NBNCo stated in August that the average FTTN speed is 68Mbps and 65% can achieve 50Mbps or faster.

Oh aren't statistics wonderful.

19% of all vehicle accident deaths are caused by drunk drivers. This means that 81% are caused by non drunk drivers. Based on these statistics I am safer if I drive drunk. This is obviously rubbish as too are your "statistics" above.

Govt. - "There's a problem, quick everyone, bury your head in the sand".

The congestion has nothing to do with speed tiers.

Then why do those with FTTP seem to have minimal, if any, complaints about speed/congestion?

I would figuratively kill to get a 100/40 connection (that would have been upgradeable to 1000/400? in a few years) but I am 394 metres from the Node as the rotting copper runs. Add a further 15 metres from the pit in the driveway to the first point inside the house and I will be struggling to get 50/20. Fibre would not have given me this issue.

The fibre pipe to the Node is limited when compared to the fibre pipe to the exchange. We have 350 off houses to feed off our Node so divide that bandwidth amongst all those houses and how much do we each get Mr Ashwood? We get congestion not due to insufficient CVC but due to insufficient bandwidth to the bloody Node.

You keep blaming Labor for the CVC "debacle" but considering that Labour haven't been in power for 4+ years then surely we can now blame the present clowns for not fixing that particular issue. Next you will be blaming that idiot Bob Hawke for children still living in poverty when howard and his minions did nothing to eradicate that particular problem during his long tenure.

How we fooled Google's AI into thinking a 3D-printed turtle was a gun: MIT bods talk to El Reg

Oh dear!

The TSA scanner operators are going to get really confused when the Terry Wrists get scanned with turtles hanging from their shoulders.

Facebook suggests mm-wave spectrum should be free in Australia

The Golden Rule. He with the gold; rules.

Suckerburg just wants something for free so he can make even more money without paying the appropriate tax .

Official US govt Twitter accounts caught tweeting in Russian, now mysteriously axed

Comrade Anonymous Coward just outed himself.

не будь умной задницей

Comrade Anonymous Coward, another nail in your coffin.

OpenSSL patches, Apple bug fixes, Hilton's $700k hack bill, Kim Dotcom raid settlement, Signal desktop app, and more

Only one more piece of the puzzle needed for absolute proof.

C'mon, it was an impoverished rough-arsed comprehensive, barely able to afford pencils and paper, comrade-ooh! what a giveaway!

Now if will just admit that he went to Cambridge University, same place as the other five, we will have proof that his name is really Comrade Anonymous Coward.

_{Mine's the one that is reversible for use of tailing them wot speaks funny and writes in acrylic.}

'Qualcomm, we will buy you... for... one HUNDRED... BILLION DOLLARS' – Broadcom

These numbers no longer have any meaning.

100Billion here, a 100Billion there and pretty soon you're talking about real money. But then we are talking about 'Murican billions which cheat by multiplying by 1,000 instead of 1,000,000.

Official Secrets Act alert went off after embassy hired local tech support

Some people.

I was 55 and my "boss" was a 21 year old PFY. Each time a staff member logged a Wi-Fi connection fault he would tell them the laptop would need to be sent away to have the motherboard changed. I on the other hand just turned the Wi-Fi button back on. Even logged it in the SharePoint Helpdesk that he never read.

Donald, YOU'RE FIRED: Rogue Twitter worker quits, deletes President Trump's account

Two faced Twitter with double standards.

Rose McGowan had her account suspended for making posts about her abuse experiences.

Drumpf is allowed to rant, rave, abuse, threaten, falsely accuse and lie but nothing happens. He doesn't have 41Million followers. He has 41 bots constantly working on his numbers.

Well done to The Legend. It is a regret that it only lasted 11 minutes.

Woeful NBN services attract ACCC's attention

The top head(s) should roll for this mess.

Considering the size of the fibre pipe to the effing Node and the number of users crammed onto them, bandwidth issues are not surprising, however the inquiry is not about this. It is about NBN's inability to reliably connect users to THEIR infrastructure. 457 Visa Man is a joke.

Birds are pecking apart Australia's national broadband network

Alternative tasking for them?

There's about a bajillion cockatoos in Australia.

Shame they couldn't be trained to attack cane toads.

Hey, you know why it's called the iPhone X? When you see Apple's repair bill, your response will be X-rated

Shocked, just shocked I say!

Shaun Nichols what's with the click to enlarge on the Pictured ... The Cupertino Idiot Tax

The correct phrase is click to embiggen. Senor El Reg, please send your scribe off for appropriate training.

UK.gov joins Microsoft in fingering North Korea for WannaCry

OxyMORON?

I can’t go into the details of our intelligence

Is that because they have the same single digit IQ as the Orange Idiot?

_{Mine's the one with the Mensa application in the pocket.}

Sorry.....

I think he's Lion

No, he's telling the truth.

What just trousered a $4.5bn profit, has glum desktop chip sales, and rhymes with go to hell?

Enough already!

What has too many rhyming headlines and it rhymes with The Register?

Chinese whispers: China shows off magnetic propulsion engine for ultra-silent subs, ships

Marko Ramius is not amused.

Engage the sirent drive just doesn't have the same ring to it.

Robot granted Saudi citizenship has more rights than Saudi women

I guess the old addage "Dumb Arab" really is true.

It took Andrew Martin 200 years to gain "citizenship" but the House of Sad gave their robot its' immediately.

I wonder if it swallows?

Telstra said its 7-incher was really an 11-incher, left customers frustrated, unsatisfied

Telstra screws thie customers; how unusual.

And some idiots people thought Helstra should have been the one to roll out the NBN. If they had, I think we would still have a mess like now only it would be called copper NBN, oh wait.....

Australian government launches review of .au domain

I wish I was only joking.

This liberal government has been hopeless at everything they have tried to do. I expect this one to be no different. Maybe they will replace it with .coal and do away with .au as a TLD.

Australian senator Pauline Hanson wants devilish scam calls to flash '666'

Trumped before you were trumped.

Poor OZ. Call me when you elect a trump for pm.

Been there, done that. The little pommie idiot is now sitting on the backbench and is still sucking at the taxpayer's teat. The only good thing was he was deposed TWO days before he was entitled to collect ex-PM benefits after retirement / not re-elected.

_{Even Paris thinks abbott is a twat!}

Re: Pauline Hanson

Is she big-endian or little-endian?

Please explain.

Look! Over there! Intel's cooked a 17-qubit chip quantum package

Hope they work better.

Quantum processors. PAH! I just hope they are better than their now defunct HDDs.

_{Mines the one with the "high speed" (sic) WD Blue HDD in the pocket}

Dear America, best not share that password with your pals. Lots of love, the US Supremes

Oh really.

T/C are contracts and breach of contract isn't illegal.

Oh great, I can stop paying my mortgage and it isn't illegal. Sweet! Of course I shall use you as my legal reference for this.

Russia, America dig into tug-of-war over Bitcoin laundering suspect

Russia's Mad Monk number (damn, I've lost count of them all)

So rasPutin wants to add to his bitcoin collection. I guess for a despot even his supposed $80Billion of theft from the Russian people isn't enough.

At the protest in Moscow on the weekend one brave soul had a cartoon of rasPutin sitting on a mountain of cash with a crown on his head. The wording was, Happy birthday you little thief. I wish you a continued life you brave man!

_{Even Paris sheds a tear for the plight of the poor Russian people.}

FBI iPhone hack lost forever, White House mobe compromised, SSH – and plenty more

The THREE greatest lies has just added a forth one.

Like many of Drumpf's dummy advisers, I am sure he never used his phone for non government business just like Jarred the Mindless or was it Junior the I love it who was using a Gmail account for official govt business. Drumpf himself uses the highly secure Twitter to pass on govt policy to the various govt departments and to "My Generals".

Also, Russia would never divulge classified US documents to those who are not entitled to receive them.

Kelly, a known liar was believed when he said it was only used for personal business. Mate, I have a couple of bridges, several tall buildings and an island surrounded by water.....big water......ocean water..... for sale.

_{The three greatest lies:}

_{I'm not drunk occifer.}

_{I love you.}

_{I won't cum in your mouth.}

and now,

_{It was only used for personal business.}

After seven-hour operation, the ISS has a new 'hand'

Volunteers take ONE step forward.

Permission to volunteer my arm Captain Mainwaring. It has done way more than 400 hand movements and still brings a smile to my face.

_{Mines the one with the LARGE tube of KY Jelly in the pocket}

Beach, please... Billionaire VC finally opens way to waves

What pedantically obnoxious prick.

Have a friend in Tenerife who had a hotel corporation try to steal his beach. Took them to court and won but he ended up putting solar powered lights (batteries for night time of course), built some shaded areas and made an area where a small band could play for beach parties. Cost him stuff all but got no end of good will from the locals.

No idea why Mr Entitled Prick carries on like he does. Hope the fines rain down on him in vast quantities. At least death is a good cure for arsehole (assholes for non English speakers) like these.

Do we have a celebrity on this forum?

If I lived locally, I might be tempted to drive down there in a bulldozer one night and open the gate permanently too.

@Def, is your real name actually Darryl Kerrigan?

India's national internet registry breached, but says heist was trivial

"ring ring......ring ring......ring ring".

<insert name of an ISP or phone company> is calling because your computer has been seen to have an awful jolly lot of wiruses.

NASA tests supersonic parachute, to help us land on Mars

These things must be heavy or have massive ripstop stitching.

I am curious as the weight of the chute that is required to slow the object down. Does the weight become exponentially heavier as the weight of the it is slowing down becomes heavier? Also, is the parachute just used to slow the capsule down so less fuel has to be carried for a soft landing or is the aim to use the supersonic arresting device all the way to Martian Firma?

Huge space interest but as you can see very little technical knowledge or ability.

Russian suspected of $4bn Bitcoin laundering op to be extradited to US

We are right; you are ALWAYS criminals.

I would have thought with the present theft of people's personal property by those gangs dressed up masquerading as law enforcement it would be a case of:

All you bitcoins are belong to US.

Australian PM Malcolm Turnbull hints at surveillance expansion

Time to increase my anti surveillance stockpile.

Remember when the metadata retention was going to be required to be retained for 2 years and only authorised people could access it? Then the list of authorised became known. Local councils, RSPCA, Vic Racing Club; sort of like everyone and their dog. I notice turnbullshit mentioned "national security" in an interview when commenting on the Las Vegas shooting.

It's just more and more less privacy for the citizens and more and more government intrusion all in the cause of keeping us safe from terrorism. It must be working because we have been saved from thousands of terrorist attacks in Oz so far.

One wanker goes stupid in a car in the Melbourne CBD and suddenly there are concrete road dividers placed in secret locations to keep us safe. Those who died in Bourke St would still be alive if the cops following the mental wanker had boxed him in when he was blocked at a red light a few minutes earlier. If that had happened then what lame excuse would they have used to deploy their concrete toys.

Our World War II heroes must be wondering what they fought, suffered and died for now. Oh yes, since malcolm hasn't invested in any Australia optic fibre ISPs (just overseas ones), has he made any investment in bollard manufacturers or other security type businesses. Can't see any reason to make people safe from practically non-existent threats to our safety. Can you?

Developers' timezone fail woke half of New Zealand

Off topic medication induced post.

I just want to know WTF it means.

Since the test was accidental, I imagine it was the PFY thinking What's That For?

Lake Taupo dropped enough stuff to cover the whole of England 200m deep about 26,000 years ago.

Oh Geez Wayne, that lake is filled with water so 200 feet deep over England should have drowned the buggers.

Here's Sharleen, the only girl who thinks Mt Albert is a command.

And my favourite, "What are those big glass jars that beer comes in?" Half Geez Wayne!

Apologies to Wayneh_nz . Wasn't having a go but your name reminded me of McPhail & Gadsby and I'm in a happy place right now, so it was Geez Wayne time. RIP Wayne.

Telco forgot to renew its web domain, broke deaf folks' video calls – now gets a $3m paddlin'

I notice that the users don't seem to get a mention for compensation but the Treasury gets a cut of the action. Those who need get shit on again.

Orland-whoa! Chap cops to masterminding $100m Microsoft piracy racket

Editorial correction?

found to be carrying nearly $80m worth of stolen Microsoft product keys

I don't think if you had every Microsoft product every produced it would not even come close to being worth $80m. That may be it's purchase price but it sure as shit isn't WORTH that much.

Downloaded CCleaner lately? Oo, awks... it was stuffed with malware

Oh dear.

Arrr, it be just in time for the world Speak Like A Pirate Day arrr.

Avast me hearties, malware borders away, arrr.

What do you call an all-in-one PC that isn't? 'Upgradeable', says HP

Re: My boss will hate it

I knew a school Principal who after using a school supplied laptop for 9 years decided they wanted to get a Mac. When I asked her why, she said, "Because it's shiny." and I kid you not. Lots of fun, lots of fun with it too. Wouldn't run the school reports software so the solution was to run a Virtual Box and a MS operating system. With the minimal RAM Apple like to stuff on their machines, that was fun.

RIP Stanislav Petrov: Russian colonel who saved world from all-out nuclear war

Different honours.

Some guy who invents an assault rifle that killed tens of thousands of people gets a 30 foot tall statue built in his honour.

Col Petrov with one decision saved the planet gets nothing except being remembered. Let's hope we never forget what this man did for us. He would be one of my chosen guests to invite to a dinner party.

Icon chosen because that would have been the result if Col Petrov had picked up the phone. Really scary shit!

Yet more British military drones crash, this time into the Irish Sea

Submarines are safer than drones.

I base this on the fact that there are more drones that have crashed into the sea than there are submarines that have crashed into the sky.

North Korea attacks Bitcoin bods to swell its war chest says FireEye

Nork's fake US $100 bills.

Of course it may be a bit difficult to get those fake $100 bills converted,

Saw a program where a Secret Service agent bought some $100 notes for $30 each and the Los Angeles branch office told him they were genuine. I believe this was after the added security features of 1996. It was only when the notes were sent to the Washington lab that they could determine they were counterfeit.

Re: @AC

I'll trade you 10 of your potatoes for one of my magic beans.

For 5 magic beans, I will trade you my cow.