Re: Total Desperation...
> WTF do I do now?
One option is to pick your/her favourite flavour of Windows (Win 7?) and install this on a VM under the Linux of your choice.
Make certain that it cannot contact the web, and you have a safe environment in which to work offline using mature Windows tools.
We did this in 2008 using KVM and Win XP, for the usual business software legacy reasons. We used a reasonable 2007 Acer laptop with VM-aware CPU, and compared the performance of the installed-on-bare-metal XP with the virtualised one.
Surprisingly, on many benchmarks XP applications under KVM on LInux ran fractionally faster than on bare metal, which was spooky. Turned out that all the anti-virus/malware/whatever stuff was the reason. These were no longer needed on the VM image - that was scanned 'offline' by Linux.
Web browsing/email was all done in Linux, and it all worked surprisingly well.
Don't recall the knotty details, sorry! The need for it went away, and we no longer have that system up. Might have an HD image somewhere, but can't be sure.
Nowadays there are a host of virtualisation things around with fairly friendly GUIs - a light LInux with some VM software and Win7 installed might be the answer...