Critique of Pure Animal Behavior - by MigMig-Johnson Kant
***My apologies for grammar/structure. I had no time to proof-read so I wrote this critique on the fly. Either way I should be working on a college essay due tomorrow instead of indulging on the age old practice of blind-leading-the-blind***
I own a Windows 8 touch laptop, which I dock when I get home to turn it into a desktop. It's come to a point where even while docked and used on a non-touch screen, I no longer miss the older interface. Every program works normally. The computer hasn't suffered from spontaneous combustion and all my porn videos remain just a click/touch/digitizer tap away. Actually, Microsoft at least deserves recognition for making the term "Fingering" a practical one (as in "I lost my mouse, but no need to worry, fingering my tablet is just as easy). Please, let this not catalyze the outdated claim that Apple invented fingering because they didn't. They just mainstreamed it in a package even a monkey with Down Syndrome can appreciate.
Digressions aside, I feel bad for these computer companies who sell their souls to cater to the middle of the intellectual bell-curve in this society and are left with no choice but to take responsibility for our culture's obsession towards mediocrity, which unfortunately, has made its nest somewhere in the middle of the aforementioned curve. One can express denial with anger, kick and scream as if the world cares, but in the end one can't hide the fact that the free flow of information has gotten to be inversely proportional with our overall intellectual progress. These is one of the many ironies that will probably always escape me.
But not all is gloom and doom, for Apple has managed to harness this information black hole into what is arguably the greatest fiat currency collector in human history. Such ingenuity is deserving of a coveted prize (please don't suggest Nobel because even Obama won one by doing little more than following Machiavellian philosophy to a T, leaving a permanent stain on what Nobel represents past present and future). Their astuteness of their Direct evidence can be found everywhere, from free advertisement provided by those with the iconic apple sticker in their car to the iron grip its marketing has over the pour souls who, having lost their ability to exercise any form of free will, also engrave their souls with a metaphorical Apple sticker. It's almost as if this act grants them any type of edge over those with a less religious and more practical approach to satisfying their gadget-thirst. I know that there are strong similarities held between Machiavellian philosophy and Apple's infamous marketing approach, but at least Apple gives us cool stuff while Obama gives us no more than 6th grade level rhetoric.
This leaves us with poor 'ol Microsoft, which unfortunately is far from being off the hook of scrutiny. Much can be said about this misunderstood brand, which was doomed from the day of its conception due to its forced dysfunctional marriage with arbitrary hardware manufacturers and their flaky corner-cutting tactics employed to stretch their every dollar. Some of their employees even find it impossible to hid their contempt for their jobs (a big shout out to my possibly stoned niggers [I’m half black so I’m licensed to use the word as long as I don’t pronounce it like a white man] in the Samsung Customer Service department, whom I recently had the pleasure of educating on what an ATIV 700T is). Even while being guilty of willfully dumping thousands into this company because of my addiction to digitizer technology which Apple is too thick headed to embrace, I leave enough room for the humility it takes to admit that, when compared to Apple hardware, in my opinion, the brand I sponsor with my my hard earned cash is no match for Apple. I sometimes wonder if they actually employ magical elves to put together their hardware, because when you hold an Apple product in your hands, you can physically sense the amount of love that each individual device was saturated with, as opposed to, say, originating from an assembly line manned for pennies by not-so-magical oblivious Chinese underage kids under duress from what is likely a demanding asshole morality-free boss. Furthermore, another case against PC's is the existence of the many masochistic systems administrators out there who derive pleasure out of beating their PC's into submission so they can perform simple tasks. Interestingly enough, many parallels can be drawn between these unfortunate souls and Apple's equivalent to "iSheep", one parallel just off the top of my head is denial of the possibility of being just another tool for a soulless materialistic corporation. Those who surrender and break from this chain are often tragically enslaved by another, as they trade in their masochism for a religious approach towards the competition. I guess this is fueled by a deep seated hatred towards the Microsoft brand because, according to them, is responsible for many years of aggravating driver installs, network tweaking, hardware maintenance and redundant computer restarts. Their anger towards Microsoft can reach such intensity that they are unable to at least appreciate the fact that the very demons they battled for years were also responsible for the same job security that kept them employed and often funded their children’s special ed courses.
I hope that this philosophical perspective, which I so altruistically gifted humanity with, finally settles the intelligence-insulting battle of ideologies between gadget makers who ultimately see us as dollar signs. It is my hope that those exercising the amount of self-loathing required to read this piece in its entirety, eventually manage to improve their lives in one way or another because of it. If this manages to influence at least one soul into harnessing a sense of freedom that only comes from within, I'll consider my efforts worthwhile. In the unlikely event that this is the case, I might consider using this essay as a case in favor of a worldwide legalization of cannabis. I know, I know. You science geeks out there are probably thinking that even after more than 30 years since the airing of Cosmos, the ripples it made on waters weren't even enough for the Federal Government to downgrade cannabis from its schedule 1 title, but I see no harm that may come from an excess of optimism. On the other hand, in the likely event this is not taken seriously and even gets misunderstood as satirical in nature (which would actually be a plus at this stage), I want to make it clear that the purpose behind this essay was purely influenced by a genuine desire to bring humanity one step closer to world peace, which I believe can only be done by social awareness of our own irrational behavior leading us to behavior that should be beneath us by now.
*In the unlikelihood of anything within this piece is considered satire, I want to make it clear that it was purely accidental.
*I didn't go beyond reading the Original Post's title so take my wisdom with a grain of salt. I just saw the word "Microsoft" somewhere, and that alone makes this venue a magnet for expressing ideologies, suppressed emotions, finger pointing and arbitrarily guided frustration so I couldn't resist chiming in.
*As opposed as to what a clever reader might assume, I didn't spend an hour of my time writing this essay because I'm a attention whore, but because of my benevolent obsession with giving mixed with my tendency to procrastinate in regards to matters of practical relevance.
*Because I'm an attention whore, if this manages to draw any form of attention (be it love or hate), it would only result in stroking my ego.
Ok, Adios. I've stalled working on my college essay as much as I possibly could.