* Posts by Simon

167 publicly visible posts • joined 5 Jul 2007


People without broadband in 'I don't want broadband' shock


No! I didn't want Broadband, back then.

In the early zeros I used to have an old vintage Acorn RISC PC on dial-up using the Blueyonder ISP. Perfect for what I needed.

It had no USB or Ethernet connections, but a RS232 port with a dial-up modem. No way could it connect to broadband in it's current state or make any use of a fast connection, but I would get regular calls off my ISP.

I would tell them:

"Look, it doesn't matter if you even gave me the broadband for free, I can't make any use of it, please can you stop phoning me up every couple of weeks to give me an upgrade offer I can't refuse, because I still have refuse it"

Then they would ask which version of Windows ("No it's not running Windows, or before you ask Mac OS or Linux, ok!") I was using, it would generally go down hill from there. Eventually a strong "No!" at the start of the call would get rid of them quickly.

Then I got married and my wife told me we needed a new computer and the old one had to go, hee hee.

Now I have a 20Mbit connection, but as you say some people are happy with dial-up or nothing.

Penguin because "No it wasn't Windows!" even though it wasn't Linux either, how confusing.

Airport ID cards only for the newbies


Maybe they will get killed off soon...

The way things are going at the moment if we don't have a general election there are going to be riots around the country.

I will vote Conservative if they promise to kill off this huge waste of money that is the ID card scheme.

Heres hoping...

Blears is latest to scurry away from Brown's Cabinet


Returning to the grassroutes, my arse!

Blears, gah, whenever she appears on TV connected with the expenses scandle she alway appears with a smug look on her face and tries to put a positive spin on the fact her employment prospects just went into melt down.

Blears, you got caught fiddling expenses, ok so you paid it back but I don't recall you actually apologising about it. Her comments were rather along the lines of "Ooh, looky me, I paid the money back, I'm such a good girl now, vote for me!"

She now wants to "Return to the cut and thrust of grassroots, on-the-street politics" Because yeah, people on the streets will really appreciate that now...

Wow, Labour are really in a mess now, time to call an election. Well, the only problem is now we all suspect the other parties may be just as useless, someone please prove me wrong.

Maybe then this could also be the end of the ID card schemes and the other "Surveillance society" schemes Labour has been cooking up in the last few years, together with all the money they have wasted on them.

BBC devs Doctor Who movie script


But Dr Who has always been rubbish!

I remember the old days of Doctor Who, with the low budgets and rubbish special effects. When the plot used to shudder and squeak along like an old heavy wheelbarrow in need of a good oiling.

Then we had the new Doctor Who with Christopher Eccleston then David Tennant, it was fresh, quicker, simpler plots more action, less talk. Suitable maybe for a market who also tunes into Eastenders as well.

Now the excitement has gone it now looks a little dumbed down and is getting tired again.

An hour long program where the BBC gets to show us it's latest special effects tacked on to a simple script.

El Reg, when you say a film do you mean one to be shown in the Cinemas?

Please BBC don't turn it into a film, I don't think there are enough people interested, apart from the hard core fans.

Anyone else here agree that Doctor Who has always been a bit rubbish?

Boeing to build prototype pulsed-microwave robomissile


Right on Commander!

That sounds very familiar, anyone else get the reference...

iPhone users to walk and read at same time


Don't encourage them!

I hate people that do this, shuffling along staring into their phones.

But this won't help when it comes to crossing the road, the image on the phone won't show them an image to the side of a large truck coming at them when they step off the pavement...

Nothing worse than someone with head phones on staring into a hand held device stepping out in front of you, you sound your horn, slow down and they still ignore you.

Well maybe people getting run over while using a phone can be a 21st century solution to thinning out the gene pools of stupid genes.

Sikh coppers request bulletproof turbans


But won't God stop the bullets anyway?

I used to see a guy by me riding around on a motorbike not wearing a crash helmet but a turban.

I used to think "So you put your faith in God before faith in a safety helmet".

Well you have to say this biker guy was dedicated to his religion! But possibly if he comes off that bike hes going to meet his God sooner than later.

Anyhow I'm looking forward to seeing what a bulletproof turban looks like.

Videogame history project successfully emulates CRT on LCD


3D next?

So when we have the new 3D display monitors we have been promised are they going to then also emulate the effect of the old 3D (Glasses) displays which gave you a stinking head ache after about 20 minutes.

"Yes sir, now after you have loaded the 3D game emulator in you need to wear this on your head, yes sir that is indeed a hammer with nails on it attached to a giant solenoid"

Happy days playing on the VR machines in the arcade by me so many years ago.

Holy crap all this old technology is making me feel old now, would you believe there are people today who have never heard of BASIC or Sinclair computers? Yeah you! Get off my laaawn!

Anyhoo, looking forward to trying out this CRT on LCD for real very shortly.

Swine flu apocalypse: Batten down the hatches


But it gets worse...

The swine flu has now mutated and combined with the Bird flu virus.

It's now called the Flying Pig flu! (Hey was I the first to say that on here?)

Flying pig flu, what a very suitable name for all those scare stories we are going to have to endure for weeks on end now until the media realises this isn't the apocalypse after all, once again.

Also I suspect a few weeks from now after all their scare mongering they will be telling *US* not to panic!

Then they can get back to droning on about Carbon footprints and rising sea levels.


HP ScanJet 3C takes lead on Bohemian Rhapsody



Imagine the fun you could have with this, printing out a specially prepared text document and playing "Guess the tune" as it prints.

Looking forward to a new fad starting here.

I do enjoy the old retro music stuff, I like to load up my Commodore 64 SID emulator ever so often and listening to a nice Martin Galway track, oh I can be such a geek some days.

Anyhow, Bravo!

Apple rides fanbois to popularity crown (again)

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Well thats what you are paying for!

Apples customer support is excellent, ulike other companies where you feel like you are speaking to some bored employee in India.

The Apple staff know their stuff and they all seem to enjoy their job.

My iMac had a DVD shatter in it a few months ago and I had to take it to an Apple store to get the drive replaced. Lucky for me it was under warranty (Bit of advice, the Apple extended warranty is really worth it) They even put on a new front case for me as the old one "Had a small crack in it" without any questions.

I mentioned taking it into the store, but when I first phoned up Apple they also offered to pick it up for free with a courier service, but insisted on doing it in a week when I was unavailable.

Fan boy, whattever, I don't care, but I always rate a company well that has good after sales service and they do look after you.

PETA pitches for Pet Shop Animal Shelter Boys


Free publicity

PETA really isn't about saving animals these days is it?

Their aim is just to get in the news as much as possible by doing stupid things and making daft statements.

They are doing the old branding trick, don't try and sell people stuff (Or ask for money in their case if they are a charity) Make them aware of your brand first, then it sticks in your head which may affect your choice later, hopefully in their favour.

Unfortuantly for them the internet has helped to make their name stand for "People Eating Tasty Animals"

Go away PETA your just getting boring now

Conficker botnet stirs to distribute update payload

Black Helicopters


Is Conficker being used right now on a DDOS?



Website is down for the eyetest thingy

16 teams to field 24 e-bikes in 'zero-emission' TT race


Mick Grant you say?

Theres a name I havent heard for a few years.

Just had a quick check online. Yes hes still around and 65 years old!

Looking forward to this race, even if it does seem like a gimmick, I just hope the TT spectators don't heckle the riders.

"Get off and push! You will go quicker and use less electricity!"

Brits not sold on eco handsets

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Eco, yeah whatever..

Well, we have grown cynical about all this "Green" stuff.

It just seems another marketing ploy to get us to buy more of their stuff.

Well how about the first problem is that if we ditch all our current "Environment destroying" phones to buy a new Eco one we are helping no one because someone has to then deal with all the waste from our old phones we just dumped.

Better to hold onto the old phone for now. Then wait until *All* phones are good to our planet.


UK butterfly numbers hit hard

IT Angle


I'm sorry, but what operating system do you run butterflies on?

MPs battle to save great British pub


Backfired did it?

But I thought the goverment wanted to close down all the pubs! Good old Nanny state always thinking about our health!

What with the smoking ban and the increase in beer prices, I'm constantly amazed at how many small pubs have closed by me and the ones that remain open are mostly deserted. I *Used* to go to pubs, but the goverment has forced me to stay home and drink supermarket booze now.

The pubs that have managed to stay open are the family friendly resturant pubs, I would go there for food maybe once every couple of months, but I wouldn't want to drink in them, what with all the kids running around.

So is this MP alliance thing going to bring back the idea of proper drinking pubs? You know the ones where you can drink and SMOKE in peace, where only grown-ups go.

Maybe the goverment will realise Social Engineering doesn't work, we are grown ups and don't need to be treated like children, all this has done is create a big mess.

My coat, used to hang on the coat rack in my local, you know, the one with a "For sale" sign hanging on it now...

White wine stains your teeth too

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No problem

Just use a straw to bypass the teeth.

I find what works is a really long flexible straw that runs all the way from the one litre "wine in a bag" sitting in your office drawer.

If you want a really good gravity assisted boost then sitting under the desk below the lever of the drawer helps you to drink faster.

What me? You say I have a problem?

Apple Mac Pro


If money was no object

If I was really rich, like astronaut rich, I would like one of these, with about 3 monitors attached to it.

The design looks soo slick, as you say in the article I would be curious to see how well it plays PC games in boot camp.

Gah, someones going to call me a fanboy now, oh well back to my Windows PC.

Microsoft focuses on 3D camera company


Death of the gamepad, or *Gasp!* even the mouse?

Seriously, take a look at the videos on the website, this is a really clever and low cost solution to gesture control. It's like the Wii controller without the controller, the only drawback is that you arn't holding anything to give you any feedback.

The camera looks pretty much like the ones available today, so I'm sure when this idea takes off every monitor and laptop is going to have a 3D camera fitted into it.

No I don't work for the company, I just think they are really onto something here which we will be seeing on computers and consoles in the future

BTW Reg, is anyone moderating comments this afternoon, none of the comments boards have had any comments added to them in the last couple of hours.

Playmobil Bible faces wrath of lawyers

IT Angle

Well done El Reg!

Greatest April fools joke ever!

No, wait, umm, its...

Well ok then it must be FRIIIDDAAAA.....

No, No, that can't be correct.

OK, you hurt my brain now, I need to go lie under my desk for a bit now....

UFO fleet menaces east London


Plastic bag?

Yeah, it looks to me like a plastic bag thats being blown about in the wind. Anyone else spotted the overflowing litter bin in the picture, possibly the Invasion Mothership the "UFOs" came from.

Why is it people always jump to the usual sane conclusion, see something in the sky "Oh noes, it's an alien invasion fleet!".

Or see a shape in something like a tree or a piece of toast and go "Ooh looky it's the Virgin Mary, we are saved! Let's worship it!"


NYC 'Top Model' stampede: The truth revealed


I'm going to say it again...

Can we please have an image big enough so it can be used as a desktop image!

Oh yeh, Woo Hoo! It must be FRIIIDDAAAYYYY!!!!

Doc-in-chief targets 'passive drinking' with price hike


First was the smokers...

Now its the boozers and the junk food eaters.

The Goverment hires people to pull figures and numbers out their asses, then they can prevent us from doing things that are personal life-style choices.

The people who are really drinking too much, the *Proper* alcoholics not just the majority of us who ignore the stupids units thing arn't going to be saved regardless. If they arn't hooked on drink they would be hooked on some other drug.

Oh well, even more pubs are going to go bust. Once they have phased out every form of guilty pleasure are they going to phase out boredom next?

We are all going to be perfectly healthy (Well apart from the people I mentioned above who are still going to continue to drink) and we can all live long and dull lives...

BBC Click paid cybercrooks to buy botnet

Dead Vulture

Be kind to the BBC El Reg!

Umm, yeah, shock horror, anyone who watched the program knows that they paid for the botnet. They said so in the program!

The episode about botnets was the most interesting thing they have ever done on Click and was worth the money that they paid. I'm sure the cost of making it was cheaper than a typical "On location" episode they do, for example in the US.

There is a teeny bit of negative reporting here in your article El Reg. The click episode was done in the name of education, so it *Can* be ok to bend the rules sometimes. This is similar to health programs that show full frontal nudity, normally it wouldn't be allowed, but that word "Education" pops up again.

Of course the people who will be throwing their arms up in horror will be the ones who didn't watch the program, "Oh noes, the BBC are paying money to criminals, I want my license fee back!" or cynical press ;-)

If the BBC get into trouble then they are going to lose the ability to show groundbreaking events like they have here, it will be a sad day.

Home Office plans to force CCTV on shops and pubs


Lets hope it gets dropped then!

Well what with pubs closing down anyway after things like the smoking ban and the remaining pubs (Around the area I live) regulary attracting up to 3 customers on a Saturday night, who the hell are they going to film anyway?

I'm sure most pubs and shops have CCTV installed anyway (To catch shoplifters, etc) so we don't need the burden of more laws.

I don't understand making small shops install CCTV, don't the owners get fined anyway for selling to underaged? We already have schemes in place where ID is required if you look underage, it's almost like saying that the shop owners can't be trusted (I'm sure that's in the minority anyway, but you do say that in the article)

This goverment just doesn't seem to trust us anymore and is obssesed with covering our once loved country in CCTV cameras. I *know* they are a waste of time, a few years ago a CCTV camera caught a youth vandalising my motorbike on it but the police said they couldn't use the footage, WTF?

So how about this for an idea, how about we get some police on the streets and if they catch a drunken youth, they arrest them, threaten the parents with a fine or jail.

Can we get back to good old fashion policing and get rid of this obsession with CCTV.

Storage breakthrough could bust density record


A quarter?

Being a Brit reading a Brit technology website I have no idea how big a quarter is.

El Reg I know you have writers in the US but can you please remember that this is a British website, thanks.

Apart from that, this sounds amazing if it can be applied to circuit design as well, coupled with OLED displays I can imagine a few years from now we are going to have computers that look like pieces of paper.

The STOP is for the use of American descriptions, not the subject of the article.

UK gov unleashes biometric IDs


How to lose the next election

Yeah this scheme has been about as popular as the poll tax. 4.7bn FFS!

I had to renew my passport recently and got stung to the tune of nearly 70 quid! They had to calm me down in the post office, it was *only* a renewal, grrr.

So I can imagine paying for an ID card is going to be scary. If its voluntary then no one is going to willingly *iss their money down the drain for this stupid scheme. Hopefully as many people as possible are going to refuse to get one, especially with wild cat strikes being in the news it's going to give people ideas on how to protest.

People had ID cards in the two wars, but as soon as the wars were over the scheme was dropped, no one wants them in peace time, why doesn't labour *get* this?

They will have to march me into the post office at gun point to make me get a card.

El Reg pays tribute to father of Playmobil



Thats a great looking checkpoint.

Interesting to note in the section below (Customers who bought this item also bought)

Is a book entitled:

Understanding Shutter Speed: Creative Action and Low-Light Photography Beyond 1/125 Second (Paperback) by Bryan Peterson

Do you think thats where the El Reg photographer shops for all his kit?


Hey it must be FRIIIDDDAAAYYY!!

But you guys, when are you going to make the images big enough so I can use them as my desktop background?

I could have a new El Reg Playmobil desktop for my computer each Friday, please please please please please please please please please please please please please...

Lords say surveillance society erodes foundations of UK

Black Helicopters

Best report ever TM

In the meantime the politicians (We are looking at you Wacky Jackie) will go on TV and tell us all this is what we want! What we *Demand*!

No we do not want to live in a country like this with all this surveillance, but the goverment won't listen to us.

Here's hoping they read this report, yeah right...

Apple's Snow Leopard may know where you are


So will...

It will be able to tell me that my iMac is sitting on my desk?

Well maybe a quick fix for Mac laptop owner could be to us a Bluetooth GPS reciever (I have a Nokia LD-3W that works rather nice with my phone)

Of course GPS is only really good in open areas like fields...

GPS in pocket, ugh, need-to-aim-coat-at-sky-better-to-get-a-reading.

Mac flirts with 10 per cent web share


@Buck Futter

I will have what you are drinking...

Nanotech researchers create the world's smallest writing


Dirty images?

If I used this method to draw dirty cartoon images could I get arrested for it as well?

Hankies and electron microscope in pocket, ouch, my back and other things are sore.

Microsoft IE8 rolls out the astroturf


Please no useless bloat

Ive just downloaded the latest Beta and will be summing up courage to try it out at some point.

Will it be like all their other application updates?

Suddenly extra features added that simply slow down your machine, making the old version feel more useable and easier. Having to crawl along at a slower pase until you can convince your boss that you need a faster machine.

Please Microsoft can I have a new version thats trimmer and faster than the old version?

First person who tells us how much better Opera is will get a punch in the throat.

Thank god I don't know any friends who work at Microsoft if this news item is true, because after they have spammed me to death, I umm, wouldn't have any friends who work at Microsoft anymore...

UK cops' road accident reporting going paperless



Is this going to be a Microsoft Windows based project then?

US lawmaker wants health warnings on video games


Passive gaming?

Everyone knows that smokers ignore the health warming on packs, so they have used warnings on them which tells everyone near you that *You* are also damaging *Their* health. Its then hoped the peer pressure nagging will make you stop.

Sorry, can't give you examples of the health warning they use these days, they are written in a foreign language on the ciggies I buy these days *Grin*

So yeah,

"Gaming can also cause your little sister to get an axe wound to the head" etc.

National Safety Council seeks total* cell-phone driving ban

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Ban the phone!

Yes, Hurrah!

The problem as always will be people *Won't* get the reason for the ban. Im sure certain people will still continue to act like idiots as usual and wear their Idiot Driver Badge with pride.

They still consider their own little conversation more important than everyone elses personal safety, dont bother arguing the point into the ground, if you were a sensible driver you wouldnt be going "What about my radio or my sandwich?" because you wouldnt be allowing that to distract you either, you know you don't have to obey the gadget, it doesn't rule you.

My *wat of the day award goes to the guy I saw on the M6 this morning using an electric shaver while he was driving, yeah I was that guy on the motorbike shaking my head at you.

Dell shuts Limerick factory and scraps 1,900 jobs



Not a name you usually here when it comes to manufacturing.

The strange reason I'm mentioning this is because I found a Cadburys Brunchbar in my lunchbox this morning (Thank you wife) with the words "Made in Poland" on it, how odd.

Maybe Poland is going to be the next big player in manufacturing stuff.

On a serious note, poor luck for the people at Dell losing their jobs, happened to me about 10 years ago, while it can be a horrible experience it gave me a chance to go and find a job I really wanted.

I wish them all the best.

Mixed reviews for semen-based recipe book


The recipe goes?..

"Wank into a bowl,

add 2 eggs

and some flour.

Then beat it as hard as you can, again"

Eww, you would have to make sure you are not doing it near anything hot like an oven.

Also make sure you dont buy this book for single women otherwise she will be knocking on the neighbours door Not-for-a-cup-of-sugar or heading on over to the sperm bank.

Yeah, Gross!

Man trademarks ;-) emoticon

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Haw haw!

OMG thats hilarious ;-)

Aww, could this be a friday afternoon story ;-)

Good luck to the guy, he should also trademark being a clueless idiot ;-)

Lapland New Forest website suffers 'unusual technical problems'


Strange website and other dodgy stuff.

Well its up and running again, however all the links seem to go to the same page. I like the Javascript snow even if it was stolen from "Copright 2003 Peter Gehrig".

I remember a similar experience as a kid when I went to a place in wales years ago. It was a fairly tale themed park, in reality a circus tent with people in rubbish costumes miming to music on a PA system. Outside was a palm reader in a grubby caravan reading palms for "Five quid per hand, with a special offer of both hands for ten quid"

My highlight of the day, well it was the only thing to do there was a crazy golf course, however they had put it up in a hurry and the concrete had sunk inwards towards the ball holes, so whichever way you hit the ball it would always follow the slope down into the hole.

"Ooh, I got a hole in one", "Ooh, another one","Umm, again","Umm, guess what?" I think we all finished equal scoring in the end, very bored.

Just thought I would share that pointless little story with ya.

Windows internet share drops below 90 per cent


On came on here to post the word "Pacman"

But so many of you guys beat me too it, awwww.

Atari controller in pocket.

Hands-free kits make drivers even more dangerous


No, really?

As someone who rides a motorbike to work it really annoys me to see people using a phone when they should be driving.

There is someone even more dangerous for me personally with hands free, if they are holding a phone up to their ear then at least I know they are not paying attention to what is going on around them and I need to keep away from them.

A mobile phone to the ear means "This guy is an idiot and doesnt care about your personal safety, keep away"

With hands-free its more difficult to tell if they are "Away with the fairies" as a friend used to put it. I wont be getting the usual easy warning sign, so I have to make sure I spot the other signs like them wondering across the road, not keeping up with other traffic.

If I had it my way anyone caught using a phone should be made to WALK to the nearest police station where they should then be made to rip up their driving license in front of a police officer.

Anyone who thinks I'm wrong has never had a near miss with one of these idiots while on a motorbike.

'Bloody' is an offensive word, declares ASA

IT Angle

What the fuck?

Oh fucking hell, all the comments on here are going to be bloody hilarious.

Cocks and twat.

Main BBC channels to be broadcast live via web


Good idea?

I thought to myself "Great I will be able to watch stuff on the computer while my wife watches her dreary soaps", then remembered that TV has become rather dumbed down and boring these days, last time I looked it was celebs doing something "Exciting" like dancing and DIY shows. Oh dear, I sound like I could be commenting on the BBC "Have your say" right now, sorry.

This live TV is a kind of duplication of the iPlayer catch-up-thingy, apart from the fact you can watch the live TV earlier than the current iPlayer stuff, umm. Dont use iPlayer much either.

Dunno, bring it on, maybe I wont use it much apart from to watch the Tellitubbies at work (Do they still show that during the day?)

Jezza Clarkson cops flak for 'truckers murder strumpets' gag


No US election angle?

What? There is an election going on in some foreign country that is not relevent to the UK?

Well any news media in this country would feel a bit foolish I suppose if they had been reporting it for months on end to us Brits who really couldn't give a toss.

El Reg, this is why I love you so much (You havent had any articles about the election thingy, right?)

Oh, sorry this story is about Clarkson, umm, yeah, bad boy, booo!

Apple's 'next move' is an HSDPA MacBook, forecasts analyst



Oh dear, now you decide you hate Obama as well as Apple? Hmm, ok not relevant on a UK IT website.

Now Webster tell us all what you *do* like?

How about Rainbow, bunnies and McCain? That Kinda thing.

Theres an election thing going on somewhere? Woo!

Police poison speed debate with fuzzy figures


Burn the speed cameras!

They sound such a good idea, great way to keep the roads safe. But the fact that never ending debates about the usefulness of speed cameras exist show that they are a flawed system.

If people agreed with the use of speed cameras the government and police would never have to produce truckloads of statistics to convince us they work, we would simply fall in love with speed cameras and call for one on every street corner.

The big failure (Which always gets debated and will on the comments here) Is people saying if you stick to the speed limit you will never have to worry about getting caught, well you are dealing with human beings here who have been taught through survival of the species that bending the rules (EG speeding) is a matter of fact, we cant help ourselves, we are not robots. If we see an empty road we will put our foots down.

Speed cameras are too easy to defeat for us humans, now the best way to pit a human is maybe against another human as both sides then understand the rules in the fuzzy way us humans interpret them.

So the simple solution would be to get rid of all those cameras and put the Police back on the roads again.

The Police, hey now theres a radical idea, you know these people can even detect if someone is drunk, on a phone, not looking where they were going, road-raging, tailgating, ooh think of all those things a speed camera cant tell you off for. Then everyone would behave themselves better with a Police car following behind.

I certainly have more respect for the police than I do for a road side cash machine. The route I use for work (On my motorbike) has a nice speed camera on it which I find so much fun to slow right down to single digits as I pass through, then as I exit it I open my throttle and listen to the clatter of my big single cylinder, wow, I would never consider doing *that* in front of a Police car...

Speed cameras? Burn them all!

NHS needs to catch up on technology


12.7bn FFS.

Why is it when ever "NHS" and "IT project" are mentioned it always followed by the word "Disaster" so this thinktank must be a group of *Very* brave people to start making suggestions like this.

Oh great, you should be able to email the doctor. So now every hypochondriac will now be able to email his doctor from the comfort of their living room? Whenever I go to my doctors his surgery is always full, how is he going to get time to read emails as well?

And of course video conferencing is *Such* as good idea. I have worked for two companies now who spent a fortune setting up video conferrence systems and ive never seen them used apart from on special occasions when they wish to show off to a client.

Sorry, im ranting, but it appears they dont have a clue what they are talking about, more money down the drain, as suggested by the King's Fund, what the *uck is that name all about? I need to look this quango up.

More unwanted suggestions by an unwanted quango for more unwanted projects.