* Posts by returnmyjedi

530 publicly visible posts • joined 26 Mar 2013


Lights, camera, camera, camera, action: iPhone, iPad, Watch, chip biz in new iPhone, iPad, Watch, chip shocker


Re: Peak tech

Huawei have featured a space-saving periscope on their last couple of flagships.

What's silent but violent and costs $250m? Yes, it's Lockheed Martin's super-quiet, supersonic X-plane for NASA


Bleeding ears

I'd prefer a tympanic wrecking sonic boom to that awful muzak Lockheed Martin chose to play over their fluffy video.

Good news: Apple designs a notebook keyboard that doesn't suck


Re: Surprised

Lenovo beat them to it with their surprisingly pleasant (more so than my work MacBook Pro at least) Halo keyboard.

Job ad for designer proves its point with MS Paint shocker



Why is it us Deluxe Paint experts are never shown any love? We can do animated colour cycling y'know!

Microsoft to rebuild Redmond campus, including cricket pitch


What a waste of turf

They could just install a handful of 486 PCs in the canteen and play Graham Gooch's cricket. Just don't tell Nadella about bowling the ball at that rogue white pixel slightly wide of the leg stump (gets the batter out every time).

Used iPhone Safari in 2011-12? You might qualify for Google bucks


Re: So...

Airplane mode on recent iOS won't really help you in that respect.

First iPhone X fondlers struggle to admit that Face ID sort of sucks


Re: Having it for 24 hours doesn't leave much training time

Popularity doesn't equate to quality; just look at the Top 10 singles chart.

2019: The year that Microsoft quits Surface hardware


That's a spicy meatball

and a whopping $361bn dive on full year sales.

Really? Seems a tad over inflated.

Tesla hit with official complaint over factory conditions


Re: unions could be beneficial

If I could just brush aside your straw man for a moment, the strike was voted for two reason. Firstly that London Underground were using dated breatherlyser equipment that had been shown to throw up false positives on individuals with diabetes, which the driver at the centre of the strike suffered with. Secondly LU refused to follow their own procedure and perform a secondary analysis that was part of their own policy. The RMT can be over militant at the best of times, but in this instance they were completely in the right.

Dodge this: Fiat-Chrysler gets diesel-fuelled sueball from DoJ


Re: It's not just diesels

Your i10 has a 3 litre engine? Is there room for any seats?

'Oi! El Reg! Stop pretending Microsoft has a BSOD monopoly!'


There's a distinct lack...

...of meditating gurus these days.

Microsoft splashes Virtual Reality-slinging 'Scorpio' Xbox


Two tier gaming isn't new

On the N64, a few games only allowed access full features if you had the RAM expansion pack (Perfect Dark being one of the most notable examples).

Apple's Faulty Powers moment: iPad Pro slabs 'temporarily bricked' during recharge


You're charging it wrong

And I claim my five pounds.

Doctor Who returns to our screens next week – so, WHO is the worst Time Lord of them all?


David Tennant. All he did was shout "I am the Doctor!" and wave his screwdriver about.

Crazy Chrysler security hole: USB stick fix incoming for 1.4 million cars



And I thought Microsoft's Blue&Me system that's in my Alfa was bad. It might not understand a word of English or manage a stable connection over anything except an aux cable but at least I'm the one driving (badly).

All smartwatches are insecure, reveals unsurprising research


Re: Really?

They don't mention a single device by name, so it's unclear whether they included the Band, Apple Watch, Motorola 360 etc etc.

However I have found that ten of the leading microwaves are little more than a twirly wheel and a bag of glowworms. FACT.

Windows 10 on Mobile under the scope: Flaws, confusion, and going nowhere fast



A quick play with the Preview version of WP10 was what finally pushed me through the door with the green robot on it. Despite a deficit of apps WP8.1 is the most logical and user friendly mobile operating system I've used. Coupled with some great handsets from the now decimated Nokia (I've kept my 1020 for the incredible camera) and Microsoft looked as if they were onto a winner.

But as is they're way: if it ain't broke, repeatedly punch it until it's utterly FUBAR.

SPECTRE-tacular: New trailer out for Bond 24. But where's the pussy?

Thumb Up


The snippet of music from On Her Majesty's Secret Service was rather wonderful but makes me wistful for John Barry and David Arnold's scores. Thomas Newman's score for Skyfall was as dull and generic as Adele's dreary theme song.

TITSUP: Apple Music, App Stores, iCloud, iTunes, Radio, iBooks


Re: So that explains it..

You have my condolences.

Minister for Fun opens consultation on future of the BBC


Easy peasy

Here's my thrupenny's worth:

• Get rid of BBC Three and Four and bundle everything that doesn't involve drunk teenagers / newly weds onto One and Two.

• Exorcise any "me too" show (The Voice the worst offender)

• Leave Radio alone, although perhaps limit Radio 1 to just one pop/rock festival per year, rather than one per month as they seem to do at present

• More Jonathan Strange, Wolf Hall, Peaky Blinders, The Fall type drama; ditch Holby

• Reconsider why it's necessary for the political reporters to stand outside Dave's house at ten o'clock at night when they could be in a warm studio a mere fifteen minute trot away

Finally keep the licence fee. I've lived in countries where commercial television was the only option and it wasn't a pleasant experience.

Microsoft's magic hurts: Nadella signals 'tough choices' on the way


I hate you, old man

I moved from a Lumia 930 to an LG G4 purely because the latter has Knights of the Old Republic and an iPlayer app that allows downloads. Even after nearly five years it's still the app gap that's crippling Windows Phone, such is a shame as for me it's the most logical and well thought out of all the mobile OSs.

Using leather in 'leccy cars is 'unTesla', rages vegan shareholder


Yikes. No leather would be one step closer to the world in Rob Grant's "Incompetence", whereby everyone wears espadrilles made of old carrots and courgettes.

Apple brews new News news to peruse - screws news dudes


Re: iMovie, Keynote and GarageBand are optional installs

...Health, Apple Watch, Notes, Passbook, and - most egregious of all - Stocks. Interestingly the folder into which I unceremoniously lob all these unwanted apps actually named itself "Apple Crap". Probably.

Couple sues estate agent who sold them her mum's snake-infested house


At least there weren't any lizards. (Bit NSFW due to swears).

Siri, dim the lights and warm us up: First gizmos for Apple HomeKit love-in emerge


Oh goody. Yet another app to sit alongside Stocks, Health, Watch, Newsstand, Passbook, iBooks et al that I will neither use nor be able to uninstall from the meagre storage that Apple think is necessary (I've got 16gb on my work 5S; I pity the 5C users).

God bless you Tim! God bless you Johnny! God bless you Dead Steve Jobs! Good bless you everyone!

Sir Jony Ive, chief Apple doodler, promoted – into job he already has


Aside from the overwhelming biliousness that the Fry "interview" invokes, I was left with a sense of disappointment that it wasn't published in the National Treasure's ™ usual Kleenex of choice, the Grauniad. Whilst the Telegraph's commentards include the occasional Apple zealot they are a pale imitation of those that exist under the CiF line.

Maserati Ghibli S: Who cares what Joe Walsh thinks?


Re: 7:05 Good Call!

I think you'll find that 7.45am is the time when most folks abandon Radio 4.

Multiple fondling on the MIGHTY 12-INCH iOS 9 SLAB — so, so close now


So you can snap two apps together, either 50/50 or ⅔/⅓? Truly magical/revolutionary.

Google Maps gets hit with racist White House listing


Re: That reminds me

"Beware the Scunthorpe Problem in such scenarios, though."

Is that why the village of Cuntbubble doesn't appear on either Google or Apple maps?

Apple threw its TV out the window after years of research: report


Re: Disproof

"Apple do have a 2010 patent on a laser-powered display"

I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue have had a laser display screen since the 1970s so I look forward to Samantha going down hard on Cook et al if they release that.

Microsoft celebrates 25 years' SOLITARY SELF-PLEASURE with GROUP SESSION


The Solitaire collection is also available on Windows 8, as is Minesweeper. Just saying.

Use your Apple gizmos only for good, says Tim Cook


Re: Wow...

Timmy doesn't give a tuppeny for your iPod, he's all about timepieces and waste-paper baskets nowadays.

Microsoft's Surface 3 is sweet – but I wouldn't tickle my nads with it


Re: £419 (64GB, 2GB RAM), £499 (128GB, 4GB RAM) RRP

"No table is worth this price"

Depends on how many you can sit round it.

Roku 3: Probably the best streaming player on the market ... for now, at least


We've got a Roku 2. It has the natty headphone jack in the remote, but doesn't sport the extra buttons that this model does. It outputs at 1080p and navigation is swift, but its older hardware internals mean it doesn't support the new version of Netflix which for me is a good thing as being recommended Cabin In The Woods because my toddler watched Bambi on the iPad is a little annoying (Bambi is far more hardcore, natch).

The little box only cost me £40 from Amazon which is more than a Now TV box (but doesn't lock out Netflix) and much cheaper than both Apple's and Amazon's offerings.

Mad Max: Fury Road – two hours of nonstop, utterly insane fantasy action


Watched it Thursday with a big grin upon my face throughout its two hour running time. The action was predictably kinetic and ludicrous (milking mammas, the blind guy thrashing out riffs on his conflagrating guitar), but I was pleasantly surprised how beautiful it was. And not just because of the wives. I also found myself actually caring about the protagonists, especially the ones Max et al meet in the third act.

Film of the year for me.

Election? Pah. Here's the REAL question: Who’s the SEXIEST MP?


Re: Mmm, Berger

If only Wayne Kerr and Mike Hunt (UKIP's losing candidates for Wombwell and Braintree respectively) would have won...


It's all a nonsense really, as we all know Grant Shapps would have topped the last had he not had to vote for four different versions of himself. Furthermore, once Chuka Umunna's office get wind of it they'll start upvoting him. He's the British Barak Obama' y'know.


Re: Time for jokes.

Ed Balls.

Mondeo Man turns into mutant electrical beauty: Ford Mondeo Hybrid


I had a 1.6 diesel Mondeo (previous model) as a lease car a couple of years ago whilst I waited for my company one to arrive and it managed an mpg in the mid 60s without any particular effort on my behalf. Aside from the snug sense of self satisfaction and the ability to sneak up on other road users I really cannot see the benefits of a hybrid over an oil burner (aside from a few less CO2s and NOXs emitted, natch).

Theresa May: Right, THIS time we're getting the Snoopers' Charter in


Re: If there's ever a time to mourn the collapse...

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world it was all Nick Clegg's fault.

Citizens denied chance to vote in local-government IT cockup


Oh my. Diane Abbot will be very concerned about how this affects the people of Haaahhkney.

Windows 10 bombshell: Microsoft to KILL OFF Patch Tuesday


Re: Microsoft taking a swipe at another company

You're not exactly comparing like for like. A better comparison would be Android with Windows Phone 7 which Microsoft abandoned 3 and a bit years after its launch.

Microsoft HoloLens or Hollow Lens? El Reg stares down cyber-specs' code


The reluctance of the Microsoft humanoids to discuss the innards at this point is hardly surprising in alpha kit, as there will be negotiations going on with whomever provides the chips n bits.

My main worry is that I recall watching a documentary about a spaceship whose crew all went a bit mad thanks to a game played on similar headsets (can't remember the name but the captain was a Frenchman with a Yorkshire accent).

Tattooed skin befuddles Apple Watch


There's a cream for that.

New Windows 10 will STAGGER to its feet, says Microsoft OS veep


Re: I'm too old for this

Unfinished software in not-fully-functioning shocker. Film at eleven.

iOS and Android apps on Windows 10: How is this supposed to work?


Re: "Android apps on Windows 10 are mobile-only..."

Back in the day that they used the Metro moniker, the odd Windows Phone app was far better than its ios and Android cousins (ebay, Natwest, Right Move spring to mind) thanks to the lack of the dreaded burger menus. In their wisdom, MS decided this differing design language (however superior for the most part) was what was stalling the worldwide domination of WP so have largely abandoned it. Shame really.

Brits send Star Wars X-wing fighter to the stratosphere


Re: Here's an interesting poser that I have posed elsewhere.

The Eurofighter shouldn't fly but does thanks to computrickery so it's not outside the realm of possibility. The B-Wing would be the real challenge.

This is Sparta? No - it's Microsoft Edge, Son of Internet Explorer


Re: Microsoft Marketing

It's probably due to Spartan also meaning a bit basic (from a design perspective, natch). I can't disagree with the punchability of Belfiore's head-ball, though.

Apple to devs: Watch out, don't make the Watch into a, well, a watch


Re: Truth is funnier than fiction.

That Swiss watch design has very rounded corners.