* Posts by Rol

1417 publicly visible posts • joined 24 Jan 2013

Universal Credit: The IT project that will outlive us all

Rol

Re: Doomed

Wouldn't it be great if two extra people were sat at these government brain storming sessions.

One being the IT developer and the other representing the taxpayer.

"I suggest we add another day to the working week and call it Freeday" says treasury buffoon, Tarquin Smifff.

"That'll cost £528 Billion in extra development" pipes up the IT Dev.

"And, that's not going to happen" storms the taxpayers alliance, as he deftly removes the lime jelly head from Tarquin's torso using only the power of wishful thinking.

China has a chip to fry with y'all: Wants its own chip smarts and fabs

Rol

Warning, turbulence ahead.

So, do I wait a few months for the current chip players to drop their prices to make the whole deal look slightly unpalatable, or wait until China ramps up a glut. making a bucket of Cornish sand more expensive than a bucket of Chinese nand?

I'm looking forward to the day I can replace my 3KW electric heater with the equivalent BTU output in DRAM for about the same price.

How El Reg predicted Google's sweetheart tax deal ... in 2013

Rol

All aboard the gravy train...hey, not you!

"Hello, please come in and take a seat Mr Google"

"Thank you, Mr HMRC"

"Now, I would like for you to have a quick read of this"

"mm, yes, yes, err, yes"

"Do you notice anything about it?"

"Well, err, I can't say that I do"

"I shall enlighten you. It is a comprehensive list of all the people who we are not allowed to chase for tax and your name isn't included"

"Why ever not?"

"Well, you're not British, you're family isn't mentioned in the Magna Carta and you have not been invited onto the gravy train"

"Well can we buy a ticket?"

"Err, no! You see, you are now too high a profile. The media have got their teeth into you and frankly, it's distressing the hell out of all those on the list"

"Why should they care?"

"Obviously, if we can't come to a satisfactory solution to this and are forced into closing all these archaic loopholes, then thousands of honest law abiding citizens would end up having to pay a fair amount of tax."

"I see your dilemma"

"Yes indeed. That is why we have called you in. You see, those mentioned on the list are willing to redirect a small fraction of their annual tax avoidance into your revenue stream on condition you pay that back in tax and thus stop the media from digging any further"

"Well, on that basis, I think we can make a deal"

"Great, just sign here. Ahem, In blood if you don't mind"

"What!?"

"Our master will not have it any other way"

"What! David Cameron insists on blood?"

"Mr Cameron? The Master? No, he's just a loyal servant of Mammon"

Five technologies you shouldn't bother looking out for in 2016

Rol

Re: Year of Linux?

When you turn a computer on, you are then dropped unceremoniously onto a learning curve.

The ideal is to find yourself at a place on that curve were everything you want to do is at or below that point, or no less than a simple cognitive step up.

Windows has been around for a long time, and whether purposefully or unwittingly, we have been moving up that curve, usually in small baby step increments.

The trouble with Linux, for many Windows aficionados, is that the learning curve they have been merrily scrambling up all those years is as much a hindrance than of benefit and finding yourself relegated to noobie at the bottom of a seemingly unscalable cliff face is more than their ego can suffer.

It is all down to mindset, think learning a foreign language, not jumping into a different car expecting all the controls to be in exactly the same place.

And hence we have people with absolutely no idea about Linux wanting to jump straight in at the top of the learning curve to perform operations that took them years to achieve in a Windows environment, and complaining bitterly that the OS is a mess as their brain, larger than a planet, has been stifled by "unintelligible" geek waffle.

You might as well complain that German isn't a proper language, for the simple reason you failed it at O level.

All that aside, as a simple user, Linux is very, very easy to get started with, it's just those who are expecting to automatically transfer their incredible Windows skills into a Linux environment who are going to be utterly disappointed.

Rol

Re: @naselus Five technologies you shouldn't bother looking out for in 2016

If you could travel back in time to the point you first used Photoshop and then set a stopwatch to record every fumble and lucky strike you made on your way to getting proficient with it, I'd argue that all those hours then put into learning how to use GIMP would have you at least as proficient.

It is a different interface, because it has to be, otherwise Adobe's lawyers would be smashing the door down.

I suppose the best analogy would be starting to learn a foreign language and then throwing a hissy fit because all the words are different to the ones you are used to and after ten minutes you give up.

Totally overlooking the fact it took you decades to reach your current proficiency in your mother tongue.

GIMP is no more complicated than Photoshop, and a price comparison rates GIMP as infinitely better than PS.

Rol

Re: Five technologies you shouldn't bother looking out for in 2016

Even Luddites, had to agree, that learning how these new fangled machines worked, would help to better destroy them, rather than ignorantly scratching at the paintwork for hours.

Rol

Re: @naselus Five technologies you shouldn't bother looking out for in 2016

I find the best way is to give those new to Linux, as close an approximation to what they're used to.

In practice that invariably means Linux Mint with a Mate interface.

I then load in all the free software to replace item for item what they used to run and sit and hold their hand for an hour or so, while they get acclimatised.

Those who have a high degree of proficiency with, let's say, Photoshop, will quickly gain an equal proficiency in GIMP, and those who have nothing but a casual acquaintance with PS will similarly learn how to crop and do those basic exercises in no greater a time.

Only someone who is heavily invested in MS will refuse to accept the sense that is Linux and bleat constantly that an error ridden, expensive, invasive OS is better than free, solid and dependable.

Rol

Re: Five technologies you shouldn't bother looking out for in 2016

Surely the only reason more feathers have not been flying in the MS world is down to nearly every PC slurped off the shelf has MS pre-installed.

If Linux was delivered in the exact same way to the consumer then no issues would exists, but ah, MS has no intention of letting the consumer PC market off the leash, as it stipulates in very large letters that PC shifters will be executed for offering anything that isn't MS.

And just like Esme's experience, the IT woes of my friends ended the very day i threw my hands in the air and installed Linux on their machines. Sometimes a big thanks comes back, but mainly, the phone not ringing off the hook with computer problems is all the thanks I need.

Rol

Sex and violence

If your product ticks one of those boxes then expect sales to go exponential.

So for VR i think part of the answer is interactive porn, where no longer are you at the mercy of whoever is holding the camera, as you can pan around the scene and focus on the angles that get you hotter and botherederer. That and finally removing your troops out of the firing line by letting them kick ass from a comfortable AC barracks.

Lets hope these two "advances" don't get confusingly intertwined in some nightmare snuff scene where Mr Garrison gets his wish to fuck 'em all to death.

Then again, watching daesh going out in a spectacular bang would be compulsive viewing.

The next Cuban gristle crisis: US Navy warship powered by beef fat

Rol

Re: Most uneconomical approach yet?

@ Martin Summers

First comment was extolling another round of terrorist atrocities aimed at America.

Subsequent comments suggested a certain scythe wielding skeleton with a pronounced Tourettes disorder visited the commentard. And justifiably so.

Rol

What a Carry On

"Full steam ahead it is Captain Williams"

"Ooh sailor, we'll be frying tonight"

To totally misquote the maestro Kenneth Williams.

Rol

Re: Going green, and blue, and red, and pink...

I read about a guy who ran his moped on monkey spunk, but I seem to remember it was a little sluggish and the local zoo wasn't being very cooperative, so he traded it in for a better model that ran on leopards fanny batter.

Although come to think about it, it was a Viz cartoon strip and might not have been totally accurate.

Anyway, I assume after reading that most deplorable AC comment above, I couldn't be any more offensive if I tried.

West Virginia mulls mother of all muni networks – effectively a state-wide, state-run ISP

Rol

Re: Commie or common sense?

If I lived in West Virginia, I would be able to get my power from a community run distributor, who would buy what is needed at the most competitive prices wholesale and make it available to me at cost plus admin. As per this article, I might be getting a similar deal on my internet in the near future too.

Back in blighty, this common sense, community owned philosophy was crushed decades ago and of the remaining examples of state run services, ALL of them are fighting for their very existence as government policy attempts to eradicate them.

Is it not enough to satisfy a communities need at cost? Why has everything from water and food through to telephony and power got to generate a massive profit for a select few, while further impoverishing millions.

Rol

Commie or common sense?

The more I read about how utilities are provided to communities in America, the more I seethe when I look at how Britain has implemented just the worst aspects of capitalism while totally ignoring the obvious benefits of state run utilities for the citizens it is supposed to be working for.

It would be interesting to compare our two nations attitudes to community owned services and perhaps recognise which of us cares less for its citizens in the face of rampant capitalism.

Airbus, Boeing aero parts maker loses $54m in cyber-stick-up

Rol

Lost millions

Have you looked in the last place you left it?

'No safe level' booze guidelines? Nonsense, thunder stats profs

Rol

I want to invade Switzerland!

Seems like the exchequer asked the question "We want to increase tax receipts in our moribund economy"

and the computer obliged with a PR managed escalation in fun tax.

Rol

Shirley

The safe level for alcohol consumption is at or about ground level.

Rol

Idiocracy

I see the government are avoiding setting academically proven safe levels for:- idiocy; arrogance; expense claims; selfishness; thoughtlessness...

How to save Wikipedia: Start paying editors ... or write for machines

Rol

The Facebook of things?

When it comes to indisputable facts, like the height of Everest, Wikipedia excels more often than not. It is only the subjective material, like Ronald Reagan, where as many opinions exist as there are people on the planet. For some, just stating the facts is not enough, they want comment, and they want it to agree with their own opinion and hence the last word ping pong turns a useful resource into a mire of controversy as self interested parties attempt to write their version into the history books.

I have no answers to this calamity, but I still think it important that knowledge is freely accessible, and as long as you realise many inclusions must be double checked, you won't go too far wrong.

Perhaps, in attempting to describe subjects beyond the most solid of facts, Wikipedia has overstepped it's remit and should leave such highly subjective material to the biographers, bloggers, tweeters and pokers of this world to wrangle over in a more suitable environment, like the pub, just not mine, thank you.

How to help a user who can't find the Start button or the keyboard?

Rol

Ha, ha ha, yes nothing funnier than playing the idiot when you get a tech call from "Microsoft's" subcontinent division. The fun I had doing everything the guy told me to do and truthfully conveying the results, he was getting really frustrated that none of his nobble the computer tactics were working and spent almost half an hour trying to get me to install his "useful and totally necessary" program.

It was me in the end, who got bored and started dropping ever less subtle hints about how Windows is not the only OS, but no, he had no idea other operating systems existed and continued to punch through his script despite me telling him I was running a Linux distro. It must have been at that point that I realised why some people have no other recourse than to turn to crime, because he honestly hadn't got a clue.

Microsoft legal eagle explains why the Irish Warrant Fight covers your back

Rol

I'm confused

So, the bad boys of IT are now the good guys and the world's police are criminals hiding behind some rabid legislation and only ISIS can offer a secure home for your emails, but that'll get you imprisoned, so some hacking group might jump in and save the day, but the worlds police are after them as well, and the journalists that would normally be reporting on these horrors to the masses are too busy intercepting your conversations for lurid and salacious headlines to bother.

Please tell me there's another planet out there near Pluto where everyone is looking on and laughing their lungs up at "Earth, The Final Daze"

Brit boffins brew nanotech self-cleaning glass

Rol

Self cleaning glass has seemingly been available for many years, as I distinctly remember the news about a coating that basically Teflon's your windows.

I must also assume it is bloody expensive and only practical for luxury liner's portholes and other hard to reach places, as I have never heard of it since.

Until I looked for:- Windows coating cleaning

Pentagon fastens lasers to military drones to zap missiles out of the skies

Rol

Permanently positioned over the launch pad?

Unless we're talking stationary orbit, then that hasn't got an hope in hell of working.

However, positioned within a few miles, on the ground, covertly, sitting and waiting to do its duty?

Welcome to the all American motor home, complete with SAM launchers, or the oil tanker that drives in circles in anticipation of, just the one delivery. Hell, welcome to America's international loft converters!

Those old, rusting, forty foot containers, that litter the world could easily be hiding Uncle Sam's insurance policy.

How about an El Chapo inspired tunnel right under the enemies silo?

Frankly non of these ideas are any less thought out than laser drones, and equally rely on the suspension of reason.

Stephen Hawking reckons he's cracked the black hole paradox

Rol

Re: @h4rm0ny

and you don't need to wait too long for an excellent example of how physicists tie themselves in ever more complicated knots while ignoring the bleeding obvious:- BBC's Horizon program about the secrets of the Solar system spent at least half an hour coming up with ever more exotic theories about how Jupiter formed after the Sun ignited. I can't tell you what happened in the second half, because I couldn't suffer any more of it.

Well, Jupiter is an impossibility, it can't exist, as the forces emanating from our Sun would have blown all the necessary components that make up Jupiter and the other gas giants into oblivion and so something weird happened to make Jupiter form really quickly after the Sun came into being....and so the program went on... completely overlooking the most obvious fact, that the Sun was at one stage in its life nothing more than a gas giant itself and likely to have a clutch of sisters, which we might call Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune, all quite capable of retaining their composure as their elder sibling went nuclear. But no, we have to stick with the idea that the Sun was the only entity around and everything else came after and hence back flips and somersaults ensue as large brains try to shoehorn ever more fantastical theories into accepted knowledge so as to keep the original hypothesis current.

Perhaps the program goes on to explore the very hypothesis I just made, as the format tends to be a grain of truth orbited by controversy and utter bollocks, to keep the target audience riveted to their high chairs, and I threw my toys out too early to find out.

Rol

Re: @h4rm0ny

If it wasn't such an house of cards, you wouldn't be having to attack me personally in order that such blithering nonsense could be maintained for another generation to wrangle over.

Get over yourself, if you lack the imagination to see my gibberish is no less relevant, then might I suggest you get out of theoretical physics and into, I don't know, perhaps religious fundamentalism, where imagination would be a significant handicap.

Rol

Re: Would you like another dimension with that, sir!

Exactly my point. We live in a multidimensional universe, yet many of our physicists are obsessed with trying to explain it using just a handful of them. Thus we get such drivel as dark matter and cats hairs instead of consideration for dimensions that we might just be getting a peek at.

Hopefully, one day physics will rid itself of the need to vehemently shout down anything that isn't propagated by an arrogant elite.

Rol

Re: Would you like another dimension with that, sir!

"Right or wrong, their theories are steps towards understanding the workings of our universe."

or another hurdle to overcome before we set off in a more considered direction.

Having stuff disappear off into another dimension is only a problem for those who cannot let go of some tenets of physics, that are similarly stifling debate and alternative reasoning.

So what if an asteroid spinning wildly out of the Crab nebula cannot point back at the miscreant that nudged it, as it no longer exists in our concept of universe?

Just because our physics doesn't work at the extremes, doesn't make them irrelevant, or more to the point, desperately needing some fairy tale cods wallop to keep them pertinent.

For all practical purpose our physics hits the mark, for strange events involving transitions into another dimension they don't, but why should they.

It would be like demanding all vehicles had to be fitted with an altimeter, because some vehicles fly.

Rol

Would you like another dimension with that, sir!

One day, when we are able to fully comprehend the many dimensions that make up our universe, we will look back and snigger at the multitude of convoluted theories that did the rounds. Isn't it enough to just hold your hands up and say, "we haven't got a clue", but we have some ideas on what to do about it.

So, information is "lost" in a black hole, like water is lost when it goes down the sink. It's all relative to the onlooker, the water still exists, even though I can't see it.

Perhaps OFWAT could advise the universe on its billing and then we could account for every atom that gets flushed out, just by checking our intergalactic utility bill.

Hot Swedish nurses in charity calendar rumpus

Rol

Not even naked!

Far less clad gentlemen can be seen at your local swimming pool.

And we have got to remember, those in the medical profession do not find the human form so mysterious and beguiling that they must fervently cover it up for modesty's sake.

Personally, I believe anything that makes it more difficult for the ulta-religious to mix amongst us normal people is a God send, as I little doubt, many of those expressing deep concern about the images had to break off from abusing someone else to voice their opinions.

Boozing is unsafe at ‘any level’, thunders chief UK.gov quack

Rol

I feel a book coming on..

Fahrenheit 685.

You know the plot.

Nvidia GPUs give smut viewed incognito a second coming

Rol

"So basically the guy has admitted to everyone he watches pr0n, I wonder if his bosses requested his browsing history at work be checked?"

Says MeDixStiff...Mmm...I'm guessing you're having a laugh?

ISPs: UK.gov should pay full costs of Snooper's Charter hardware

Rol

Self Regulating

Surely it would be far cheaper if we all just cc'd GCHQ in our emails.

Newspaper kills 'what was fake' column as pointless in internet age

Rol

Re: There will be a re-adjustment (hopefully)

A white list experience, will probably be the future for many users. With only accredited, script free sites getting onto the list, or perhaps, a heavily censured portal.

And, in the very way terrorists have impacted on our freedom, so too, will the hackers and net abusers drive legislation to seriously limit how we use the internet.

In my mind, the real internet terrorists are the ones forever pushing the boundaries of the interactive experience, adding ever more potential attack vectors to formats that where once just plain text or a compressed image. It's almost as though they are vying for such anarchy, so that a "white knight" can legitimately step in, and ultimately return thought control, back into the hands of the state.

Video malvertising campaign lasted 12 hours? Try two months

Rol

Ode to Granny Dear

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, we love you Granny Dear.

You are the only one on the planet not blocking us. That's clear.

And as advertisers we totally rely on you, to bring home the beer.

To the rest of the planet, we just grimace and sneer,

but not you Granny Dear.

We know your shoe size and all those special days

And we can offer you treats in so many ways

And that's because we've been watching you for days and days and days.

Terror, terror everywhere: Call the filter police, there's a madman (or two) in town

Rol

Re: Communications service providers have a critical role

The fact that parliament hasn't been overthrown by the masses, isn't exactly proof that our way of ruling the great unwashed is better.

And if we're talking about beacons of stability we might as well mention every megalomaniac that ever ruled as a despot tyrant, because their countries were also beacons of stability.

Uber wants UK gov intervention over TfL’s '5-minute wait' rule

Rol

Re: Eh?

A Black Cab can be flagged down in the street and instantly engaged.

A private hire taxi must be prebooked. This historically meant a phone call and a wait, however technology has reduced this wait to virtually nothing, effectively a Uber car has similar privileges to a Black cab.

The 5 min rule is a way to redress this.

Rol

Damn those new fangled weaving machines, they'll be the end of us.

"Ooh! Nice shirt."

"Yeah, I got it from Ye Olde Primarketh for a couple of Groats"

"A couple of Groats, you must be kidding. Weaver Bob is charging two Crowns and buttons are extra"

"What can I say, except, welcome to the modern world"

"You know, I think going about bare chested will soon be going out of fashion."

'Hypocritical' Europe is just as bad as the USA for data protection

Rol

When my mischievous son steals money from my wallet I'll reach for my whipping stick.

When the guy down the street steals money from my wallet I'll reach for my shooting stick.

btw

I don't have a shooting stick, a whipping stick, or for that matter, a mischievous son, neither do I have the mindset that whipping or shooting would solve anything, it's just an allegory to show infractions within a community are never perceived as badly as those committed by outsiders.

ICO fines PPI claims firm £80,000 over 1.3m spam SMS deluge

Rol

If ten thousand people each gave £1..

to a suitable go-between and that person then gave the bulk of that money to some local thugs along with the address of the telescam shed.

Would the life sentence be shared equally among the ten thousand to equate to one day in prison?

Would that also work out cheaper than paying the costs of maintaining a tax funded organisation that has effectively announced the cost guide for such malpractice is generally less than ten percent of profits.

Brit filmmaker plans 10hr+ Paint Drying epic

Rol

Re: Funny

In principal I agree with self certing your film, but perhaps in light of how damaging some material might be to children's minds, perhaps the self cert should be SC18 only, regardless of its contents.

As an adult you would realise an SC18 film might lack titillation and violence, but to allow an SC12 that is nothing other than religious indoctrination, or other manifestation of how fucked up some people are, would be a grievous error.

One-armed bandit steals four hours of engineer's busy day

Rol

Re: Shall I sharpen your pencil while I'm here

Reminds me of the time I was managing a services contract in Manchester.

I was called to urgently deal with overheating issues in some government agencies office and had travelled a couple of hours to get there.

When I arrived, sure enough, the office was roasting and the staff appeared almost dead. This appalled me, as earlier that week we had hired dozens of portable AC units and planted them around the many offices to assist. It was a good will gesture towards the client and totally beyond our contract.

I checked the units and each one was bone dry.

"They require topping up with tap water every day" I said to the manager.

"Yes, so why haven't you been doing it?" was his reply.

Glancing around the office I spotted an entire garden centre of plants and enquired who watered them.

"Well the staff of course"

"So, wouldn't it be in your staff's interests to also water the air conditioning units at the same time?"

"It's not their job"

"Well, all I can suggest is that the AC units are off hired due to improper use and your staff go home once the temperature goes beyond union agreed limits"

Lesson: Never ever try to nurture good will with government organisations as it will be undone almost as soon as you leave the office.

Rol

You've Got to be Joking!

Whilst in the middle of setting things up and training staff at our new contract site I was called to a meeting with one of the clients departmental managers.

It was a government organisation, with thousands of employees at their national headquarters.

The manager was introducing hot desking for several dozen employees and needed my urgent assistance in setting things up.

Apparently her staff came in all shapes and sizes and the flat screen monitors needed to be adjusted for optimum viewing height.

I quickly demonstrated how the screen was fully adjustable and she nodded knowingly.

Then the bombshell, as she insisted it wasn't her staffs responsibility to adjust the screens and I would need to have my staff virtually resident in the department to accommodate each and every coming and going of her musical chair policy.

I did react rather badly, as I couldn't hold back the laughter.

Once the giggles had subsided I pointed out that was totally unworkable, beyond the contract and billable.

Only the word billable made any impact in this ludicrous stand off and had her reaching for marginally less moronic ways to drain my staff of the will to live.

Eventually after knocking back suggestions like, someone being here first thing in the morning to play mother or setting up a range of desks with tall, medium and small signs on them she came to the only logical conclusion possible and the only one I was willing to accommodate. She gave up on the idea of hot desking.

I later asked why, when all her staff have a desk was she so determined to have them going totally gypsy. Her reply perhaps answers many questions that are usually asked of such incompetent agencies. "Well, they either get along with their neighbours and spend the day chatting and not working, or they learn to hate them and spend the day bickering and not working."

New Horizons makes last burn for Kuiper Belt target

Rol

Phd student discovers the nipple constant after superimposing several breasts drawings from the refectory toilets.

Do I win a 6TB HDD?

GCHQ's CESG team's crypto proposal isn't dumb, it's malicious... and I didn't notice

Rol

Beware the minions!!

Our judiciary and police force, rammed to the brim with poor IT sense, look towards legislation for guidance and clarity.

When an act, so poorly conceived as has recently been proffered becomes law, then the multitude of interpretations that will spew from it will create a mountain of diabolical decisions, based, not on clear IT knowledge, but the insane mutterings of folk who have shown time and again, that they haven't a clue about how the interconnectedness of everything defeats their simplistic logic.

Using my IP address or telephone number to link me with crime is criminal in itself, but given that the people empowered to fuck my life up might not recognise this, scares the pants off me.

Post-pub nosh neckfiller special: The WHO bacon sarnie of death

Rol

I'm taking a friend's dad to the local airport, very, very early in the morning, where he will fly back to Poland.

Without my generosity he would be required to pay some £30 in taxi fares.

£30 in Poland would buy three hospitals.

And my fee...well, a bacon butty when I get back.

Moral of the story:- In balance bacon saves more lives than it takes.

UK watchdog offers 'safe harbor' advice on US data transfers

Rol

Seeing as big Dave has got his guns out and is aiming point blank at the Lords, then maybe we should get our pennies worth in and suggest a replacement now, rather than wait for the 1922 committee to install itself in the second chamber.

Let us vote, online, for one hundred people with whom WE hold in respect and admiration.

And let this chamber have the right to generate legislation that is passed to the commons for consideration.

And let their first meeting be about formalising the rights of every person in this country, which would also encompass the right to have your data dealt with as EU law demands and not as parliament wishes to twist it.

Doctor Who's The Zygon Invasion shape-shifts Clara and brings yet more hybrids

Rol

Re: "this story is influenced by current affairs"

As this is so close to the realities of worldly events, I sincerely doubt the plot will be allowed to deviate from a happy ending for ALL.

Unethically, I am driven to see the whole goddam lot of 'em flushed into another galaxy, but in putting humanity back into humanity, I'd settle for just the radicals having their throats slit. No, I mean de-radicalised, yes that's it, de-throated.

Perhaps Dr Who, not stealing its storyline from current events, could give the writers freedom to explore a fantasy where anything is possible with no risk of upsetting some individuals.

Like:-

An alien species that is quite cheeky, red and bushy tailed, is transmitting a deadly virus to the local wildlife and the Dr is called in to cull them.

No? Well what about:-

An alien species that is black and white, is accused of transmitting a deadly contagion to cows and the Dr is called into to cull them.

No? I give in. This script writing for the overly sensitive is bloody impossible.

Linus Torvalds fires off angry 'compiler-masturbation' rant

Rol

He's blunt. He's aggressive. He's offensive.

He's right.

And thank heavens he still cares enough about his baby to kick ass when needed.

Use Skype if you want to report a crime, say cops

Rol

Re: "Have you been the victim of a crime...?

Anyone remember the Quatermass series from the 70's and the Pay Police that operated in that bleak dystopian future?

At least we haven't sunk to the depths where hippies are allowed to roam freely over ancient stone circles without being truncheoned into a coma.

Top cops demand access to the UK's entire web browsing history

Rol

Badly Profiled Boy

"Oh, a cute kitten. I'll click on that."

click

"OMFG what am I looking at? Is that a pigs head and oh no, no. he's sticking his..."

click

Meanwhile back at Scotland Yard...

"Hey, sarge. We got one of those beasty pervs again....No it's a civvy this time. Yeah easy meat, I'll send the lads round sharpish"

Later that day....

"We got you, you piece of filth"

"Whaaat?!"

"We're arresting you for visiting bestiality sites while not in possession of either a constituency, knighthood or white curly wig. Anything you say will be reinterpreted for maximum effect at trial."

"But, it was a cute kitten"

"Under age as well, you dirty bastard, you'll rot in jail forever"

"No it was a cross site script that took me there"

"Cross-eyed git? What's his name then?"

"Eh?"

"Note that down constable Savage, when challenged about his alibi, he refused to cooperate"

Later that year...

"So what are you in for?"

"Would you believe, the total incompetence of a system that cannot distinguish between intentional and unintentional acts?"

"Yeah, I can relate to that, I never meant to use the axe, it was just for show"