Posts by Frankee Llonnygog

They WANT to EAT YOUR COMPUTER - welcome your ANT overlords

It's no joke

One data centre thought they'd combat these wee beasties with spiders. The inevitable chain of events followed, and the data centre ended up being swallowed by an old lady.

She's dead, of course.

'Untidy' Shoreditch just CONFUSES American techies - Olympic hub team

Re: Good idea - good comms

Upvoted - Americans are probably confused by the fact that Shoreditch has none of the tech you'd expect in an incubator hub.

Oh - but it does have some pigeon-crap encrusted repurposed Victorian sweatshops, so that's alright

Cameron's Tech City: Desks? Yes. Cash? Yes. Coders? Nope

Boreham Wood - bearable?

Geography meets nominative determinism.

Re: Same thing at GDS

Jeez, any excuse for slagging off poor old GDS.

Upvoted!

Google's Native Code browser tech goes cross-platform

Dear Customer

When logging into our online bank, we recommend you don't use Google Chrome ...

TOO GOOD! Groupon ex-boss to drop, er, 'motivational business album'

Re: An Open Letter to The Register

OK, no sound files. How about some lyrics? Here's my fledgling attempt at a motivational managerial anthem:

- Verse 1 -

Oh man, oh man, oh manager mine,

In your polyester shirt and tie.

Clicking your biro, and looking so fine,

What a guy.

You make the office a great place to be.

You motivate me.

- Verse 2 -

You make the morning meetings fun,

With your accents and your jokes.

Managing the team when work's to be done,

What a bloke.

In your Friday chinos, you're something to see.

You motivate me.

- etc, etc ...

- If I've managed to evoke memories of a motivational figure you've known, I'll be humbly gratified. I reckon I can manage about another 700 verses of that guff

This education-through-song idea is genius

So, I'm off to teach assembler,

With my banjo on my knee.

Acorn founder: SIXTH WAVE of tech will wash away Apple, Intel

Re: sourgrapes

Is that the same Apple that was a joint founder of ARM? You know, the ARM that started as a joint venture between Acorn Computers, Apple Computer and VLSI Technology.

Murdoch hate sparks mass bitchin', rapid evacuation from O2, BE

Re: Look before you leap

I'm glad Virgin's going well for you. I applied to get connected to Virgin broadband, and let my existing ISP/phone provider know I'd be cancelling.

The engineer came, drilled holes in my walls and installed great big ugly boxes inside and out. At that point, he got a call from base to say they didn't have working cable to my house, and never would. So, he apologised and left.

The reply to my complaining letter somehow managed to arrive on the same day I posted my letter and said, in effect, 'Tough shit, you're not even our customer. Why would we even think about checking we could connect you before attacking the fabric of your house? And as for removing our boxes, don't you know it's our to plaster the Virgin logo every object on the planet?'

And still not a week goes by without their marketing junk mail begging me to become a subscriber.

Virgin Customer Service Team, if you're reading this, you can't find your arses in your own trousers with an arse detector. I would like to personally remove your collective Virginity with a Tabasco-dipped Anne Summers Rampant Raptor (limited-edition sharktooth-and-cactus model).

Apple asked me for my BANK statements, says outraged reader

Re: "They've basically turned me into a future Android user"

Because no retailer selling Android phones ever asks for documentation?

Nah

> Have Apple UK registered this use and storage of personal information with the Information Commissioner?How would they know to do that?

It's well known that Apple can't afford lawyers to advise them

Haven't they ever heard of ...

Knowledge-based Authentication?

Anyway, I thought notaries only certified documents. Do they also acts as experts on authenticity?

'Liberator': Proof that you can't make a working gun in a 3D printer

Re: Won't someone think of

Does it say anything in the constitution about ammunition?

HP knew Autonomy was a duff buy, claim HP shareholders in $1bn suit

Not the canine testes after all?

Autonomy exposed as not being quite the apiarian patellofemoral joint it was made out to be? Surely not? That nice HP salesman was so convincing. He cried when we told him we couldn't afford it.

TV gesture patent bombshell: El Reg punts tech into public domain

Re: I really don't like the idea of gesture TV

"How does the TV know the gesture was mean for it and you're not simply swatting away a fly?"

Easy. There's a big 'gesture control' button on the front of the TV. Just go over to the TV and hold the button down while you make your gesture.

Brits on benefits: 'Dole office site only works on PCs over 10 YEARS OLD'

Re: meat tags? I meant meta tags

Gets worse - you need to register with the Government Gateway. Oh dear, this really isn't very good

meat tags? I meant meta tags

Anyway, I take it all back. Click on the link to launch the online application and it pops up in a new window entitled, "Sieble eService"

That's the problem, right there. In my very best plumber voice, "Cor blimey mate, who put this in?"

Perhaps they spent too long ensuring they had all their Dublin Core meat tags in place and ran out of time to optimise the site. Actually, it looks like reasonably compliant, non-table-based HTML so I'd have thought it would work with modern browsers. On the downside, it appears to be ASP, and they do some silly things like include a link to a JavaScript window popup function inside a noscript tag

Oi, journos. Try NOT to get hacked again. Lots of love, Twitter

Most businesses publish the email addresses and phone numbers of their press team

The corporate Twitter accounts are probably registered to members of the press team

So, all you need to do is con one of the press team into giving you their password.

"Hi, this is Fred from Twitter. We need to reset your password ... "

Is this the first ever web page? If not, CERN would like to know

Re: Surely this is all recorded

"Remember, a time machine cannot travel back before the time it was created and all that..."

Damn - is this thing still under warranty?

Japan's naughty nurses scam free meals with mobile games

Re: Nurse?

depends on the method of transmission ...

Re: Judeging by your

I'm in agreement that your averaging gaming nerd is not going to feel particularly hard done by. "So, I get a half-hour with a live women for the price of a meal, and the knowledge that she holds me in complete contempt? Sign me up!"

Continued lack of women in tech bemoaned by ex-techie lady MP

Re: Woman who gives up,

Woman who succeeds in her profession and then enters public service to help other women succeed. She must be a politician.

Next Xbox to be called ‘Xbox Infinity’... er... ‘Xbox’

I've heard ...

... it will come with a Hom Office-approved electronic ankle tag peripheral, and be called the asboX

Cat ladies turned brand-squatters poke fun at religious right

Re: Deities

Named after St Francis - he loves all the little animals ...

I'd like to think that ...

... a column of invading tanks would stop for a cute kitten but ...

I can't be arsed to dwell on the miserable truth. I'm going to carry on imaging the kitten turning back armies

UK.Gov passes Instagram Act: All your pics belong to everyone now

The UK gov has just turned Flickr intothe new WikiLeaks

Upload a photo of a leaked secret doc to Flickr

Diligent search doesn't find the original (it's secret!)

Gov can't make a good case for copyright (it's secret ...)

Anyway, it will be fun watching the collision between this law and the DCMA

Can't find your motor? Apple patents solve car park conundrums

Re: Wouldnt it be simpler

Yes, I suppose. But you could call down an air strike. OK, you'll blow your car up, but you'll exorcise the frustration of misplacing it

Wouldnt it be simpler

just to bookmark a GPS location?

Apple fanbois get one last chance to see spectre of Steve Jobs

Downward share price

The downward share price surely makes it cheaper for Apple to buy them back. When Apple announce they are willing to buy back shares, shouldn't the price go up?

fallacy of supply shortage

Yes - how clever of them to hold the event in the Tardis so that they can actually accommodate the entire population of earth.

And - it took a whole 2 minutes for the tickets to sell out, which proves just how little interest there is in developing for Apple these days

You hear that, Mr Cook? Samsung's profits have gone UP

Re: Comparing Like for like is a forgotten art then?

Remember - balanced reporting is the enemy of page views!

PEAK iPHONE? Apple mobe growth slumps to ‘lowest in its history’

As ever ...

Apple sales are compared to Samsung shipments

Master Beats: Why doesn't audio quality matter these days?

There's a lot of audio gear designed to 'pump' music

It has over-emphasised, distorted treble, and one-note bass boosted by tuned ports or similar techniques. Beats are in that category

I had a quick informal listening comparison recently between some Beats and B&W headphones. The Beats were like having your ear canals scoured out with a bog brush. The B&Ws in comparison were like warm honey being slowly dripped into your ears through a velvet-lined funnel by Fenella Fielding dressed as the vamp from Carry On Screaming (plain Egish - the Beats sounded horrible, and the B&Ws were gorgeous)

Peak Apple: Cupertino belatedly spends some money on R&D

Re: So we know who the replacement for Anna Leach is

Sounds like your iMacs need more RAM

Reg hack to starve on £1 a day for science

Re: Forage.

You'll also have to forage for an internet connection as, once you add in the landline, most UK broadband costs about £1/day

Bogus gov online test tells people on dole they're just SO employable

Psychological tests are crap

I challenged our HR people that I would game the test next time they forced us to fill out a Belbin questionnaire. Sure enough, it flagged me up as CEO material, just as I had predicted. My method when answering the questions was just to think, now, how would Hitler answer this?

I have taken frequent stands in the face of strong opposition

It's to see if you're suited to working in an S&M dungeon.

Re: Gov't tests

God only knows

Nick Clegg: Snooper's Charter 'isn't going to happen'

Re: I would sell my mum for votes

Oh I dunno - at least the eunuch could hang up your jacket for you.

Re: The Lib Dems are in Government?

Hey Cleggie - welcome to El Reg!

The Lib Dems are in Government?

Who knew?

UK faces hacking doom, but think of the money, security startups!

Re: Mindlessly using "cyber" as a hopefully useful term ...

Well, if 'cyber' is shorthand for clueless about infosec, "government minister" is synonymous with clueless about IT. The two terms in close proximity indicate you are about to hear from a ventriloquist's dummy with a consultant's hand up its jacksie. The other consultant's hand is meanwhile picking the taxpayer's pocket.

Indian IT consultant becomes idol to legions of football fans

He's lucky

At least they didn't also accuse him of setting off bombs in Boston.

Cameron: Get those saucy websites off Blighty's public Wi-Fi

I am sure existing legislation applies

I am told that porn was once available in printed form. There must have been legislation that could have been used if, for example, the congregation spotted an open copy of Razzle on the vicar's lectern.

So, do we need new laws for this? No. Will we get them anyway? Yes

Assuming some idiotic new legislation is brought in, will there be a process through which wrongly blacklisted websites can be removed from the block (no, of course there won't, why do I even bother asking ...) and can we start a campaign to have the Daily Mail blacklisted for habitually running stories on bikini-clad celebrity underage teens?

They say what you don't know can't hurt you. I don't know David Cameron, but he's still a colossal pain in the neck.

Apple beats revenue estimates but margins are falling

Lower margins are inevitable

Apple have led the way in the consumerisation of IT, and margins on consumer goods are lower. This trend will continue.

Huawei preps new mobes to overhaul Apple

I've said it before, but I still think it's funny

Their biggest problem in the Uk is their name. It sounds like a Geordie vomiting

New poll says Assange could win Australian Senate seat

Re: The power of memes

I can haz eskap planz

Peak Apple: First 'profit slip' in a decade - and, boy, it's gonna be BIG

"Or not"

-said other analysts

Weak iPad, iPhone demand hits LG Display in the wallet

This comment makes about as much sense/is as relevant as any tealeaf-reading by analysts

Blast-oh-voutimo,

Speed-oh-reety,

Baloney Creek!

(cf Slim Gaillard)