* Posts by Nolveys

811 publicly visible posts • joined 6 Nov 2012


Windows fails to reach the Finnish line as Helsinki signage pleads for help


Re: Let's cross this one off the list?

My God, make the corporate-matey bollocks speak stop.

Hardly a surprise when they even lie about the name. It's not Windows 10, it's Windows NEIN!

Tencent is now bigger than Cisco and Lenovo – and predicts this virus thingy will help it get bigger still

Big Brother

Re: "Such tools, execs said, should find wider markets in the future"


Symptoms: Violent cough, fever, bluing of lips, chest pain.

Diagnosis: Sleep apnea.

Treatment: Patient should sleep laying on side in isolated room with door welded shut.

Sending diagnosis to internationally published statistical database...

Notice: The CCP is an excellent government that has provided timely and accurate information regarding COVID-19, also known as "The American Virus". The CCP has done a better job than the government of any other nation dealing with this crisis. Also, the WHO is a completely autonomous and independent organization that also provides completely accurate information, particularly where the CCP is involved.

GCHQ's infosec arm has 3 simple tips to secure those insecure smart home gadgets



"Which? has repeatedly exposed serious security flaws..."




Death and taxis: Windows has had enough of clinging to a cab rooftop in the London rain


Re: RE. Digital signage fail

Invert the image and run it long enough to make the burn uniform?

Parks and recreation escalate efforts to take back control of field terrorised by thug geese


You don't know fear until you have seen a flock of geese feeding in the corpse of a border collie.

Remember that Sonos speaker you bought a few years back that works perfectly? It's about to be screwed for... reasons


Don't waste your money on a new set of speakers,

You get more mileage from a cheap pair of sneakers.

Google reveals new schedule for 'phasing out support for Chrome Apps across all operating systems'


Re: So, Google is pulling a Microsoft ?

Win32/Winapi may be a hateful bag of festering bile, but at least it was a mostly stationary target for the better part of 25 years.

Learning a platform and, in particular, developing in it is expensive. If I'm making that investment I expect to be able to enjoy the fruits of my labour long term, preferably indefinitely.

So how long before this Fugu thing is on the chopping block? Will we get a whole seven years out of it before it's decided that we have to throw hundreds or thousands of hours of our time away just to get what we already had?

I have very little interest in any of the new development platforms/apis/whatevers coming of either MS or Google. I'd rather have old, clunky and will work tomorrow over new, shiny and up the creek.

That code that could never run? Well, guess what. Now Windows thinks it's Batman


Re: Assume the worst

You should then do the operation three times with three variables each for even more concensus.

London cops seeking £600m mega IT contract to knock 'towers' sprawl into 'one throat to choke'


It doesn't matter how many or how few contracts you have as long as you can increase the budget by ten fold over ten years while providing nothing of value.

Any promises to extend rights of self-employed might win an election, hint Brit freelancer orgs


Re: Purely anecdotal

Where is this Shangri-la of which you speak?

Congress to FCC: Where’s the damn report on mobile companies selling location data?


Dear Congress,

We don't give a fuck what you think about anything. You sold out before we did, remember? Your rulers are our rulers. We realize that you need to make a big show to pretend that you give a pinch of rat turd about the American people, but we both know it's just an act.

We both know how this will work out. We will continue to do as our masters please and you will do nothing more than hem and haw. Let's get this over quickly so that we can both get back to making money for our employers.


Ajit Pai

Oh chute. Two out of three ain't bad, right? asks Boeing after soft-ish crew module landing


Re: Redundancy

All three chutes actually worked fine, one just happened to be destroyed when clipped by the wing of an unrelated 737 max as it flew past, upside-down and backwards.

Open wide, very wide: Xerox considers buying HP. Yes, the HP that is more than three times its market cap


Re: How are they going to fund it?

The problem is that sooner or later the Debt has to be paid back

That's not going to happen. Something will happen, but not that.

Not just adhesive, but alcohol-resistant adhesive: Well done, Apple. Airpods Pro repairability is a zero


Re: So much for "design"

I usually refer to it as "rap", with a silent "c".

Paris Hilton

Re: I spot a business opportunity...

walk around in public looking the twats

So that's what those are! I thought it was some new fad where people walk around in public after having their ears ejaculated in.

Remember that competition for non-hoodie hacker pics? Here's their best entries


How is her ability to wear suits a factor? Also, how are we back to talking about suits?

Junior minister says gov.UK considering facial recognition to verify age of p0rn-watchers


Re: Umm - yet another poorly thought out idea

Wasn't there previous work on facial recognition that couldn't tell the difference between monkeys and people...?

They could have engineered that out, but for sales demonstration purposes the system had to work on members of parliament.

Ye olde Blue Screen of Death is back – this time, a bad Symantec update is to blame


Re: Paging ...

Ah, Norton utilities. Those were the days.

Behold the perils of trying to turn the family and friends support line into a sideline


Re: ...says the person who never dropped a deck of punched cards

It turned out that it was just a paper shredder manufactured by Interpreter Co. Ltd.

Emergency button saves gamers from sudden death... of starvation


Re: Almost there

"We had no idea how long they had been there. We found them jacked in, emaciated and sitting in pools of their own festering excriment. They had terrific scores."

Oracle's Mark Hurd hits pause as co-CEO, says he needs time to deal with health issues


Exposure to Oracle caused his soul to become poisoned and die. They left it in there as it was hard to get to, but the damn thing went septic.

Royal Navy seeks missile-moving robots for dockyard drudgery


Re: Not Quite That Easy

Munitions can be delivered, in bulk...

So, missiles and other munitions are delivered in massive barrels and are transferred onto ships using huge robot arms grasping big plastic scoops?

Tesla Autopilot crash driver may have been eating a bagel at the time, was lucky not to get schmeared on road


Re: What a complete plonker!

I have blinders and earplugs for sleeping. My car didn't tell me not to wear them, hence I hit the fire truck.

AWS celebrates Labor Day weekend by roasting customer data in US-East-1 BBQ


Re: But everything's OK.

The "lost" data are still in the cloud. It's just that the cloud is black, made of smoke and is floating around a data centre somewhere.

Cortana makes your PC's heart beat faster: Windows 10 update leaves some processors hot under the cooler


They recently integrated Tay.AI code and the increased CPU usage is the system recognizing and suppressing hitler-loving, racist, incestual sex-crazed rants. Luckily the feature they really needed, "zero chill", works perfectly.

Whatever you do, don't ask it to describe only the good things that come into her mind when thinking about her mother.

Call Windows 10 anything you like – Microsoft seems to


Re: "Naturally, all user data is wiped with this option"

Not IT, but some cockroaches DO fly

I see that you are familiar with United Airlines.

The top three attributes for getting injured on e-scooters? Having no helmet, being drunk or drugged, oddly enough


Re: That's all very well....

That's all very well, but where's the comparison with accidents to people who were not riding scooters.

They were also injured when they were impacted by the scooters.

Uncle Sam is asking Americans if they could refrain from slapping guns on their drones

Black Helicopters

Re: Where in "keep and bear arms" does it say anything about them not being attached to an aircraft?

The word "bear". The moment you're not touching the arm, you are not bearing it.

I think bears are the wrong tools for the job anyway, the drones would have to be huge to carry them. Hanging angry badgers from drones with ropes would be more reasonable.

Buying a Chromebook? Don't forget to check that best-before date


Re: That's Chromebook right out of my buying list then

My car won't be getting any software updates. Luckily:

manual mirrors

manual windows

manual locks

manual transmission

manual manual

radio: AM/FM and nothing

dash: analog

I'm worried about that happens when this thing gives out, it's next to impossible to find a new-ish car that isn't overflowing with techno-garbage.

Icon because it's the face of a car.

Disgruntled bug-hunter drops Steam zero-day to get back at Valve for refusing him a bounty


Re: after Microsoft ate my hamster

But did they microwave it first?

It was necessary to microwave it after it was frozen for 200 years.

Canadian ISP Telus launches novel solution to deal with excess email: Crash your servers and wipe it all


It's crap, don't use it.

Telus's email hosting is an ancient pile of garbage and should not be used by anyone for any reason.

But beyond that, ISPs should be used for internet access and nothing else, especially if the additional service is based on a domain owned by the ISP. The reason being that hosting with an ISP makes it difficult to dump them if need be.


Re: Sad looking cheetah?

Their corporate branding is all about various cute animals.

That's one of the things they got out of Cadvision when they consumed it about 15 years ago.

Cadvision was an amazing ISP that served the Calgary area. Fantastic service, prices and speed. Also, cute animal advertising.

Then Telus did what Telus does best, it ate Cadvision and turned it into feces.

Lenovo ThinkPad X390: A trusty workhorse that means business but it's not without a few flaws


Super Fishy

Does this come with UEFI code that has Windows install malware automatically, or do we have to install it ourselves?

J'accuse! Amazon's Rekognition reckons 1 in 5 Californian lawmakers are crims in ACLU test


Re: Amazon's Rekognition system wrongly matched one in five Californian politicians with images

Kill them all. Amazon will sort them out.

Amazon isn't tooled for that, easier to just box them with a bunch of desiccant and sell them as returns.

It's heads you win, tails you lose as Microsoft introduces CoinFlip™ for Windows 10


Maybe I'll wait 6 months for MS to get rid of the bugs before risking updating again.

That's like waiting for the rust on your car to fix itself.

DVD just kept juddering and intermittent noise.

Had a customer a while ago that reinstalled Windows 10 on a laptop after the last install died the death. After reinstall the OS wouldn't detect the DVD drive at all, not even a "what is this?" entry in device manager.

After attempting five or six of the usual voodoo fixes one finds in MS threads we decided to just give up on using the drive. The last time I recall having non-physical problems with optical drives was when they ran off proprietary cards in the '90s.

MS's recent offerings are complete and utter garbage.

Alexa, can you tell me how many Chinese kids were forced into working nights to build this unit?


Re: Amazon Response

What appropriate steps are they likely to take...?

New and improved kid-friendly suicide nets. Unfortunately it will have to be paid for out of worker wages.

Microsoft follows up those licensing hikes by snipping away costs for Azure Archive Storage


The best feature of the cloud...

...is that once customers are locked in nice and tight the vendors can crank the price to infinity and beyond.

While Amazon fumed over Microsoft's licensing changes...

It's always surprising when a company does exactly the same thing it's been doing for decades yet again.

Fed-up graphic design outfit dangles cash to anyone who can free infosec of hoodie pics


Re: A more realistic image... is here!

the work, whatever it is.

Combining like-oriented synergies to actualize positive realization in the social web sphere paradigm.

Ouch. Reinstalling Windows 10 again? By 2020, a 'cloud download' may be all you need


Re: "download a pristine copy of the OS from Microsoft's cloud servers"

Stable. as. a. Rock.

More like a brick.

He's coming for your floppy: Linus Torvalds is killing off support for legacy disk drive tech


...and a pear in a partridge tree.

Microsoft preps to purge its cloud access security broker of shonky crypto protocols TLS 1.0, 1.1


Re: MCAS???

Martian Congressional Aardvark Society

Rise of the Machines hair-raiser: The day IBM's Dot Matrix turned


Re: Let's face it, who amongst us hasn't lost a tie to the...

I own a tie, but have no idea where it is. But I'll be sure to buy an apron and the next time I find the tie I'll put the apron on top of it.

Pair programming? That's so 2017. Try out this deep-learning AI bot that autocompletes lines of source code for you


I do hope someone does sensible unit testing on all the code it writes.

It can do that itself based on its "understanding" of what it's trying to accomplish.

if( !is_garbage( output ) ) test_fail();

Incognito mode won't stop smut sites sharing your pervy preferences with Facebook, Google and, er, Oracle


Re: Incognito mode isn't incognito

One thing to keep in mind is the average El Reg reader knows vastly more about computers, the Internet, and tracking than normal people.

How do we compare to abnormal people?

Google nuked tech support ads to kill off scammers. OK. It also blew away legit repair shops. Not OK at all

Big Brother

Google knows best

The actions of Google are for the best. Google is building a better society. Only foolish peons would think to question Google.

Google has always and will always act in only the best interests of the writhing, unwashed masses. Google is divinely inspired and will not tolerate being questioned or contacted in any way. Those who doubt Google are wrong and foolish idiots. In fact, anyone outside of Google is a foolish idiot and a filthy pig.

Trust in the divine light of Google, you repugnant gutter filth. Google need not explain itself to you nor should it. You are too stupid a garbage person to comprehend Google's infinite genius.

DeepNude's makers tried to deep-six their pervy AI app. Web creeps have other ideas: Cracked copies shared online as code decompiled


I have seen the future

The new Rick Roll will be Thatcher porn.

Stop using that MacBook Pro RIGHT NOW, says Uncle Sam: Loyalists suffer burns, smoke inhalation and worse – those crappy keyboards


Re: Customer service?

No option to enable them, ghey are just painted on.

Italian data protector makes Facebook an offer it might want to refuse: A €1m fine for Cambridge Analytica data leak


Re: Just pocket change

It'll take Fecebook a whole 21 minutes to make that money back. I wonder what the court proceedings cost.

Before we lose our minds over sentient AI, what about self-driving cars that can't detect kids crossing the road?


Re: self-driving cars that can't detect kids crossing the road

"Thump-thump!" Child detected.

Must watch: GE's smart light bulb reset process is a masterpiece... of modern techno-insanity


Re: Simple

The goat is not necessary for the ritual, it's strictly for entertainment.