Posts by mIRCat

Want to go to billionaire Sun kingpin's beach? Hope you're a strong swimmer

What if there's a naked girl on the beach?

Meanwhile... somewhere in Vermont.

Obviously, you get her a coat.

NASA, start your torrents: 622 Mbps broadband link FOUND ON MOON

Avoiding long distance charges?

Is it too late to get Voyager back to retrofit it's communication systems?

Netflix original TV shows gamble pays off... to the tune of 10m new viewers

Shiny!

Wait, is that a thing? Can we do that?

Mine's the one with the Captain Mal action figure in the pocket.

Murdoch calls for world+dog to 'expose' Google

Re: there's a quote about motes and beams .. If only I could remember ,,,

"Like in the UK right now."

On second thought, let's not go there. 'Tis a silly place.

Wikileaks FAILS to start Twitter bitchfight with Guardian hack

One sided tweeters

Does that make them twats?

Cook invokes GHOST of STEVE JOBS in Apple-wide memo

"He left behind a company that only he could have built and his spirit will forever be the foundation of Apple. " (my emphasis)

Do you think they realize Woz is still alive?

Ballmer intends to remain on Microsoft board after end of CEO gig

No where to go but up!

Keep an eye on the stock price once something official is said. The markets love this Ballmer guy.

The life of Pi: Intel to give away Arduino-friendly 'Galileo' tiny-puter

We'll be boarding yer chip, me hearties.

"The price has yet to be set."

And that's where the battle will be won.

Yo ho, yo ho...

Atomic clocks come to your wrist

Does it come with a money back guarantee?

"Loses a second each millennium."

Nobody has time for that type of accuracy!

Icahn to Cook: 'Buy back $150bn of Apple's stock, or tell me why you won't'

The new and improved Icahn 5S! 20% more cunty.

"We're not accepting that. We're not going to accept this 'Well, it's business judgment, too bad.'"

Who the hell is this 'we'?

Someone should trademark the word Icunt and sue him every time he opens his useless flap.

Curiosity keeps on trucking despite government shutdown

Won't someone think of the robots!?

Somebody should tell the poor little guy he won't be getting paid for a while.

'I don't trust Microsoft' after NSA disclosures says former privacy chief

We didn't have a reason?

"I don't trust Microsoft."

You could have stopped there, Caspar.

AT&T takes on Google fiber, fixin' to give Texans GIGABIT GUNS

In theory!

1Gbps sounds great, save you have to use AT&T to get it.

Google's robot army learns Spanish

The only obvious use.

But will it be effective when our future alien overlords are descending from orbit?

Google smacks Surface with free Quickoffice for Android, iOS

If only we could pay you to use it!

"The Chocolate Factory has now made Quickoffice available at no cost for iOS and Android users and is talking up the fact anyone can now edit Microsoft Office documents for the low, low, price of zero"

That's okay, Microsoft prefers to compete on merit.

Startup claims 1W wireless charging at 10 metres

Re: More than 100W

"Call me cynical but I cant imagine even a superbly Dr Who tracking parabolic contraption managing that efficiently."

It goes ding when there's stuff. Also, it can boil an egg at 30 paces, whether you want it to or not, actually, so I've learned to stay away from hens.

Is this thing lead lined?

Corel re-animates zombie brand for patent case

I do believe...

In the vernacular of the internet this should say, "Can has munies now? "

Someday there will be a lawlpenguins.

Microsoft buys Nokia's mobile business

Two men walk into a bar. The other one's Elop.

Thus proving the only one who would buy a Nokia Windows phone is... Microsoft!

But seriously this only confirms what most people realized the moment Elop joined Nokia.

Fandroids blow $200,000 on secret PANIC BUTTON for their smartmobes

Re: unambiguously located

" *yes I am a loser but I deal with it one sob at a time."

You've hit my pity button. Take a thumbs up.

'Kim Jong-un executes nork-baring ex and pals for love polygon skin flick'

Re: The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides....

Unfortunately all film making has been been put on hold until we can determine the cause of all the nudity.

Draft, coat, door.

An autopilot the size of a postage stamp

On the bright side it did go first class.

What do you mean you put our only prototype in the post?

Pulsars: the GPS beacons of the cosmos

Long distance calling not included.

When can I expect this to be an included feature on my smartphone?

BILLION DOLLAR BALLMER: Microsoft chief makes $1bn simply by quitting

Your results may vary.

I tried announcing my retirement, but it didn't have the same effect on my personal wealth.

Then my boss told me to get back to work. Where's a pint when you need one?

Ballmer's emotional farewell to Redmond: I LOVE THIS COMPANY

Date check

Someone just confirm that it's not first of April for me?

I think that news deserves a pint. Good thing it's Friday.

Boffins use HOT maths MODELS to predict spam of the future

Maybe she wants a better spam filter?

I received an email directing me to this article to learn how to better please my woman.

I don't know if I should be amused.

NSA admits slurping thousands of domestic emails with no terror connection

Upon review legality subject to change...

At the time of writing, everything we do is legal.

Palestinian Facebook flaw-finder getting $10,000 payday in online appeal

But we're keeping the $500!

Don't worry Facebook the publicity is free.

Obama appoints intelligence boss to run 'independent' review of NSA

Wait just a darn minute now .

You don't trust us? Well here's a man who's already lied to tell you that you should trust us. What do you mean he can't be an impartial judge of his own job? Next you'll be telling me prisoners can't be trusted with the keys to the gaol.

I think it might be getting close to time to find a country that'll allow men the freedom to wear fancy coats in private.

Think your smutty Snapchats can't be saved by dorks? Think again

I feel...

There's room for an obligatory "pics or it didn't happen."

Acer to downplay Windows in favor of Android, Chrome OS

Your demands are getting ridiculous!

"The Windows camp has to do something to reestablish or reinforce confidence among PC users," Wang said. "People are reluctant and are holding their purchasing decisions."

But we raised the number at the end by one?

What more do you people want from us?

Bill Gates's barbed comments pop Google's broadband balloons

Re: Intelligence!

"0) You could learn about Malaria and how to avoid catching it from the internet."

Everyone knows you can't catch malaria from the internet.

You get it from sporozoite - Protection Against Malaria by Intravenous Immunization with a Nonreplicating Sporozoite Vaccine.

Michael Dell accuses Icahn of using court as takeover tool

"Icahn, for his part, claims he just wants value for money for stockholders himself, saying Dell is trying to buy back the company on the cheap."

Fixed your typo.

Won't someone, please, think of the children?

Webcam stripper strikes back at vicious 4Chan trolls after year of bullying

Trolling.

They're doing it wrong.

The art of trolling requires subtly, where the targets aren't even aware they're being baited. Anything more and you're just being a dick. But this is 4chan and such minutiae is lost on them.

The hammer falls: Feds propose drastic controls on Apple's iTunes Store

"Apple's lawyers called the DoJ's remedy... wildly out of proportion to any adjudicated wrongdoing or potential harm."

If anybody would know about that....

Western spooks banned Lenovo PCs after finding back doors

Re: What

"And the kit manufactured in the US and UK isn't backdoored? "

Not my Raspberry Pi? Say it's not so!

Moto X specs leaked ahead of expected August 1 launch

Re: Oh, Joy! -Samsung, HTC, et al

Yeah, why is that?

Elon Musk to release open source Hyperloop plans in August

I'm no gambler.

But I wouldn't bet against the man.

And I will buy him a pint if he pulls it off of course

Man sues Apple for allowing him to become addicted to porn

It's a common mistake.

" Worst of all, the filing reads, none of the shiny happy fanbois and fangurlz at the Apple store warned him what arousing evils were lurking out there on the internet."

It's because they made the mistake, which most people would prior to speaking with him, of assuming he had any common sense. Clearly everyone knows that the internets only true purpose is for porn; they even have informational videos using clever lyrics to tell us what the internets is for.

Sadly Apple isn't to blame, but apparently neither is Chris.

Microsoft: 'Google's secret government meetings let it avoid import ban' - Report

"Customs has a clear responsibility to carry out ITC decisions, which are reached after a full trial and rigorous legal review, Microsoft's Deputy General Counsel David Howard is reported to have said in a statement. "Here Customs repeatedly ignored its obligation and did so based on secret discussions."

I can't help but hear the quote in a whiny childs voice.

Tux doesn't mind sharing his toys.

Hubble spots ALIEN NAVY world – and it's pelted with GLASS RAIN

I may be stating the obvious..

"Scientists are still unsure exactly why Jupiter is reddish and Venus doesn't reflect ultraviolet light, but boffins don't know what is absorbing the UV in its atmosphere."

Has anyone thought to ring them and ask?

There's a mobile in one of these pockets...

Google brings Blink-powered Chrome to Windows and Mac OS X

Did you mean..

"Just another example of an Apple technology..."

An open technology that Apple took and contributed to, to create their product? Yeah they do that quite a bit.

"Don't blink. Don't even blink. Blink and you're dead."

What's the worse that could happen? Let's give it a try.

Icahn suggests pumping Mikey Dell for dollars hard over a court bench

Money for Nothing?

Luckily most anyone with a stake in Dell seem to have realized what's good for Carl and friends isn't necessarily good for anyone else.

Intel’s Asia pivot: How Chipzilla beat Obama by decades

Re: Atlas Shrugging.

A politician? Who doesn't get it? I'm going to need a moment to recover from that shocking revelation.

US gov SMASHES UP TVs and MICE to nuke tiny malware outbreak

You want MORE money to destroy things?

"EDA's CIO, fearing that the agency was under attack from foreign cyber-intelligence, isolated its systems from the net and initiated the policy of physical destruction."

Worryingly there is no mention of anyone losing their job over this. The fact that a department of almost 170 people doesn't seem to have one competent computer user in the lot makes me wonder what they do with an IT budget of nearly $6 million.

Government. Is it too late to start over?

Radar gremlins GROUND FLIGHTS across southern Blighty

Re: I'm going on holidays in two weeks

Anonymous is only anonymous until government comes knocking.

Battery-boosting breakthrough grows on trees – literally

Re: Another one to add to the list.

You missed one of my favourites.

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2009/10/08/nuclear_coin_battery/

Don't over charge it!

Droid X2 plus ActiveSync equals DATA SLURP

Note to self.

Don't use ActiveSync*.

*Or any data transmitting device.

Boffins build telescopic contact lenses to battle blindness

I'll get you Gadget.

Go go Gadget glasses™.

AT&T patents P2P content tracking system

Just when you could use one.

Where, oh where did all of the patent trolls go?