* Posts by Simon B

563 publicly visible posts • joined 26 Jun 2007


Sysadmin's £100,000 revenge after sudden sacking

Simon B

Nice to see Karma, good that the sudden sacking ended up with a big smile in the end :)

Yamaha unleashes motorcycling robot

Simon B

rossi is better because

Rossi doesn't need stablisers unlike the robots bike!

Ten years on: Ronnie Barker, Pismonouncers Unanimous founder, remembered

Simon B

A beautiful article and well written. Enjoyed reading about how it all started, he is a legend and will never be forgotten.

Cheers Ronnie.

BOFH: I'm not doing this for the benefit of your health, you know

Simon B

Fantastic :D had me grinning from start to end!

Spaniard trousers €60,000 bank error, proceeds directly to jail

Simon B

However, if YOU enter the wrong account number when transfering money to someone, the bank say: Your mistake, transaction is done now, and we can't do anything about it. We followed your instructions precisely.

One rule for the banks, another for us mere mortials.

Get whimsical and win a Western Digital Black 6TB hard drive

Simon B

Gorilla: B A N A N A

Siri: Here are the results we have found for Minions.

Gorilla: Nooooooooooooo!!!!

It's incredibly easy to bump someone off online, and here's how to do it – infosec bod

Simon B

I can't have robbed the bank, i'm legally dead!

"...but you're still deceased as far as the law is concerned." How much fin could you have!! i.e


2. police catch you and you go to court.

3. "Sorry your honor, this man is legally dead, he tried to undead himself and the state declaed him still dead. Therefore it is impossible for my client to have all the money he was accused of robbing a bank for, because, he is dead, and was found dead on 2 seperate ocassions. The dead can't rob banks."

Where's the argument?

As they insist he is still legally dead and therefore still legally non existant and can't get pasports/driving licences etc, then it stands to reason he can't legally go to prison, becasue he is dead and doesn't exist!, They can't gave it both ways!! pmsl.

UK.gov wants to stop teenagers looking at tits online. No, really

Simon B

Do a websearch of tits and you get David Cameron. Indeed most objectionable! Can this material also be blocked from tv and radio? I'm all for blocking access to tits!!!

Norton for Windows 10 is NOT a box-borking beta, insists Symantec

Simon B

After al these years people still install the Norton/Symantec virus? i thought the various incarnations of this virus were well known and people had stopped installing it?

Oh well.

Evil computers sense you’re in a hurry and mess with your head

Simon B

"Then I calmly unplug the Ethernet switch from the mains… and kick the fucking thing out of my office, down the fucking hall, through the fucking kitchen and into the fucking garage for fucking refuckingcycling." Had me laughing, love it. Brilliant bit of writing, thorougly enjoyed and I so do the swearing at equipment :D

Ford's 400,000-car recall could be the tip of an auto security iceberg

Simon B

Why do we need cars that need:

- A computer system to turn the ignition off when a barrela nd key works with no less benefit.

- Attaching to a laptop to bring wipers to the middle so you can change the blades, as the blades hide under the bonet when you turn them/the car off.

annnnnnnnnnd i could go on forever lol.

computers and electronics are great, but do we really need one to do simple mundane tasks which REALLY don't need making super complicated?! It's all about robbing the customer blind,

You need to connect your car to my gizmo mate to find out why your car is in limp mode. It'll give me an error code whih i can look up to tell me. Oh btw it costs £60 jto do that; just to tell you what's wrong.'

Nice money earner!

MILLIONS of broadband punters aren't getting it fast enough – Which?

Simon B

It's the new world we live in.

Where 25 meg is a maximum theoritcal speed, more like 16.

where 60mpg is in a lab and in real life use more like 47mpg.

And where unlimited is not unlimited, but it sounds cooler so providers (phone/internet/mobile etc) use it.

Spaniard sues eBay over right to sell the Sun

Simon B

I own the sky, and she has not been paying me rent for the piece of sky her sun occupies. I think the courts should give me her sun as way of payment.

Jeez, AT&T. Billing a pensioner $24,000 for dialup is pretty low

Simon B

'it still retains a large customer base of more than 2.2m users.' I'd be more inclined to say that's more like the number of people who still with an AOhelL CD!! they made great tea coasters

I'm surprised AOhelL are still in business after the grief and poor service they provided for years. And still are it seems.

Lawyer: Cops dropped robbery case rather than detail FBI's StingRay phone snoop gizmo

Simon B

Stick the prosecutors in jail, it's clear perversion of justice, and I easily make them accomplaces in the robbery for dropping an open/shut case. Good to see peoples lives mean fk all to them, lock them up.

Microsoft drops Do Not Track default from Internet Explorer

Simon B

"... websites that receive a DNT signal from the new browsers could argue that it doesn't reflect the users' preference, and therefore, choose not to honor it," Lynch said.

What a load of bollox. I didn't choose to be spammed by websites either Lynch, auto opt in by default to send me junk doesn't reflect users preferences either but I bet you still do it!!! Wish I could choose not to honor it. Twat.

The coming of DAB+: Stereo eluded the radio star

Simon B

"It is, in theory, around three times as efficient as the DAB that we're used to"

Does that mean it's 3 times worse or 3 times less worse? I bought a portable DAB radio some years back. I gave up on it because unlike a portable radio that i can listen to on the move, i cold only listen to DAB if i sat still and didn't move, otherwise the signal kept dropping out. Bit pointless when it was designed to fit in your pocket for portable listening!

As for Hugo, I have had a portable light taht take batteries for years, It's called a torch, and I have a bigger one that uases LED's too, it's called a battery powered lantern. Neither cost £69.99 !!

Microsoft update mayhem delays German basketball game, costs team dear

Simon B

Had they set up the laptop properly, windows would not download/install updates unless explicitly told to. A hard lesson learnt.

LOHAN unleashes 'waiting for the FAA' collector mug

Simon B

+1 for the lovely Fenke, i'll buy her a pint to say thank you for making a hard day at work more pleasant. Send her to sort out the FAA, you can't argue with a woman unless you have a death wish, the FAA would be no match :)

Sir Terry remembered: Dickens' fire, Tolkien's imagination, and the wit of Wodehouse

Simon B

An amazing author, a legend who I will greatly miss. Long live the great a-tuin

.hotels. .hoteis ... not a typo but a window into ICANN's baffling world

Simon B

i wonder what would happen if this was apple applying

So if


exisited the owner could not have


Yeah it's very similar, it's 2 letters less, so you can't have it. Because errr it sounds similar.

Oh! it's YOU oh great 'i' in the sky. Yeah right, we all know what 'icaant' would do here don't we.

NASA: Spacecraft crash site FOUND ON MOON RIM

Simon B

THUD!!! ZZZzzzzzzz .....

Cops apologise for leaving EXPLOSIVES in suitcase at airport

Simon B

I see The Australian Federal Police have strict controls on booking out/booking in explosives what with nobody noticing 230 grams of KABOOM! being booked out of a secure.lockup (the drawer on reception) but not booked back in. I wonder how secure the prison keys are (hung on the back of the toilet door) or how secure the drugs are fro the last drugs raid (on the back seat of a police car). Cracking job there ozz police!

PHABBA-DABBA-DOO! Samsung Galaxy Note 4, Edge, Gear VR – feast your eyes

Simon B

Galaxy Note Edge – with its swipeable margin display .... it was only the other week Apple applied for a patent on edge displays. I guess Apple wanted an excuse to sue samsung again saying 'that's our idea!'. And it's a curved edge, Apple owns curves ..

NASA clears zero-G 3D printer for mission to SPAAAAACE

Simon B

microwave oven–sized??

'is a microwave oven–sized 3D printing unit .'

From the pic, the microwave ovens nasa use must be bloody massive!!

Password manager LastPass goes titsup: Users locked out

Simon B

spokesperson Amber Gott “We have been engaged with our provider the entire time ..."

And to finish that dsentence for Amber:

Meanwhile, we have been completely UNengaged with our entire customer base the entire time.

Why do so many providers of services find it so difficult to say ASAP 'we have a problem, we're looking into it'.

NeoPost: This is how you DON'T do PIN security

Simon B

Thank your lucky stars you didn't choose PITNEY BOWES !!

Putting account on stop for non payment (ummm, you remember that direct debit you filled in? we chose not to use it),

Charging the incorrect amount for topping up, EVERY time after a constant YEAR of telling us OVER and OVER and telling you OOPS sorry we'll fix that, EVERY time (yawn),

Charging £59.95 EVERY time royal mail changes their rates (it's expensive downloading a small file down the phone line containing a few humbers you know!).

Low battery on your machine? How to change the battery ... Here, have a REFURBISHED MACHINE, now box and drag the old machine to the post office so we can have it back. Changing a battery is extremely difficult and requires great expertise, a simple coin battery holder in a slide out drawer was not designed into the machine to save the user this extremely complicated task .... oh dear, we're billing the incorrect amount for topping up since you have a machine with a different serial number now, silly us!! (yes, really!!)

Make sure you have the right account number, is it the one for the monthly DD, the one for topping up, or the purcashe power one? We have 3 account numbers because ... well, because we're clever! Be silly to hsve one account number related to your one account.

I'll end it there, safe to say PITney bowes ARE the PITs. Roll on renewal time!

Apple: We'll tailor Swift to be a fast new programming language

Simon B

As usual, trademarks only apply to Apple. Do as we the gods say , whilst we do the complete opposite. Twats.

Google TOO WHITE and MALE, says HR boss, looking in mirror

Simon B

In a nutshell, the future is:

Sorry, we can't hire you, you're white and we have a target to employ more black.

THAT is racist.


Knitting company gets fined cus no0t enouigh men are being hired.

MAYBE, there are more men because it's m ore men that enjoy I.T. type stuff, same. It's just genetics, no not a fixed marker but boys do like their toys!

STOP looking and saying ooooh not enough diuversity here, try looking WHY, just maybe it's jack to do with race/age/colour and more about certain jobs attract certain people!

Symantec: Antivirus is 'DEAD' – no longer 'a moneymaker'

Simon B

Its not dead, it's just that they are so sh!*** at doing AV products that everyone with half a brain cell or more avoids their useless bloatware. End rant, lol

Feast your PUNY eyes on highest resolution phone display EVER

Simon B

Increasing battery life would be 1000 times more useful than an increased resolution -rolls eyes-

Alphadex fires back at British Gas with overcharging allegation

Simon B


BG - British Gas? From my experience more like Bloody Gormless!!!

Bendy or barmy: Why your next TV will be curved

Simon B

Drop the curve and concentrate on better viewing angles. I sit in 'Granny's' spot,and a curve would take my view from being more washed out to ooooh nice rear of the tv!

Tokyo to TXT warning of incoming Norks nukes

Simon B

Just launch the missile on 31st dec at 23:59:50 and watchall chaos ensue as everyone is texting happy new year, at the same time this system is texing everyone teling them a missile is en route :D You might get the warning about 8am pmsl

iFixit boss: Apple has 'done everything it can to put repair guys out of business'

Simon B

"iPads are difficult to disassemble on purpose, the Surface Pro is impossible to take apart because Microsoft is incompetent."

That's my favourite piece! I'm not an Apple fan, but that's a cracking statement, well it made me smile :D

Tor Project claims 'fake' Tor Browser sat in iOS App Store for months

Simon B

As usual, the God otherwise known as apple stick 2 fingers up at it's users and those developing apps for Gods software. They've got their cut so they couldn't care less.

Fee fie Firefox: Mozilla's lawyers probe Dell over browser install charge

Simon B

Just realised something ... Mircosoft was ORDERED to ASK the user what browser they wanted to use and provide a list. This was a legal requirement. So for me microsoft ask me what browser i want to use when i first turn on my new computer. had a bought a DELL computer then they decided not to let microsoft ask the question for free, and instead CHARGE you for doing it!!! What next Dell? asking if you want to install at a different resolution and charging for it? charging for what time zone i want to use in windows??

Simon B

On computers first boot up: DO YOU WISH TO USE FIREFOX YES/NO. Simple startup question to run on first bootup. WTF do you need a PERSON to install it for you!

As for a different image ... windows itself asks what country you are in, what keyboard,etc, microsfot don't have hundreds of images for each country so why would Dell need a new image when a simple question 'Install Yes/No' would suffice! At worst you hae ONE image with the options for the engineer to choose. Hmmm, how much should one charge for pressing ONE button to choose Firefox as apposed to just IE ....

Sounds like a nice money making excercise to me :/

Inside Facebook's engineering labs: Hardware heaven, HP hell – PICTURES

Simon B

I actually like what FB are doing, and should be commended for allowing their staff to be creative and find solutions to problems without having to have degree's in who knows what and somehow get through to someone at the top of the top of the chain. Encouraging staff to FIND and create a better system for them is great for them and at the same time a real boost for staff when their idea becomes used and is successful. Well done FB, a lot of respect earnt by me for this .

Delhi police forget passwords to corruption portal, ignore 600 crimes

Simon B

The Delhi police doing jack for 8 years is absymally awful, but India’s anti-corruption agency is even worse for not folliwng ANYTHING up!

Does nobody get audited? are there no performance figures? i.e. Number of complaints 600, percent resolved 0%, in progress 0%, outstanding 100%

Police efficiency 0.1% (well, they must do SOMETHING I assume, other than play minesweeper all day)

How on earth can nobody notice for 8 years that jack had a successful outcome/investigation and there were 0 arrests. And I thought the UK police were useless!

Eurocops want to build remote car-stopper, shared sensor network

Simon B

Most modern cars have LIMP mode built into the engine management system which restricts speed/revs if it detects a fault. By taking this a step further, the system could also have stop mode where it gradualy reduces 'limp' speed until eventaully the car stalls and stops at 0 mph. This brings the car to a steady and controlled stop AND keeps the engine running to allow power steering to function etc. The big thing is ensuring the security IS tight so a remote hack in couldn't reverse it and start the worlds car speeding up at random.

REVEALED: How YOU PAY extra for iPHONES - even if you DON'T HAVE ONE

Simon B

All the operators should talk and agree NOT to buy any. This way NONE of them will get shafted into making losses, and force Apple to change their ways from I am God, to I am a mere mortal.

KILL SWITCH 'BLOCKED by cell operators' to pad PROFITS, thunders D.A.

Simon B

Hi mr Telco, my phone has been stolen ... there's a £1000 bill racked up? well that's your fecking problem. I tried to protrect myself the consumer but you money grabbing bstards prevent us from installing anti-theft remote "kill switch" software So YOU can pay the damn bill. If yuo wont let a consumer protect himself from theft then YOU can deal with the fecking consequences! Money grabbing twats.

Steve Wozniak: 'I wish to God that Apple and Google were partners'

Simon B

Do you think Apple will shares it's rounded corners? nope it'll sue your ass!

Digital radio may replace FM altogether - even though nobody wants it

Simon B

DAB just does not have the power. Try walking with it and see how far you get before you lose the signal. It's crap!

Alarming tales: What goes on INSIDE Reg hack's hi-tech bedroom

Simon B

I just enjoyed the article, it made me smile :)

Do you trust your waiter? Hacked bank-card reader TEXTS your info to crims

Simon B

I don't go abroad, I don't want the mag stripe. It's a compromise I'd be willing to accept, just give me the option mr BANK!!

Confirmed by cockup: New iPhones will be named 5S and 5C

Simon B

iPhones will be named 5Shite and 5Crap

Windows 8.1 to freeze out small business apps

Simon B

Windows gets shitter by the day. Win Xp was good, 7 was better, and 8 they just can't be arsed anymore so wrote a piece of shite that only fits what they want, a tandy kids computer knock off that looks pretty but good for nothing.