*Round of applause*
This has to be one of the funniest and spot on articles Ive read this year.
You nailed it! I have had this past 3 months, the exact same problems - but not with Sierra - I hardly dare to upgrade to that yet! This issue began with a Safari upgrade back in July - the problem was so serious that I thought my computer had actually blown its hard drive.
I tried everything to resolve the heat, the noise and yes the freezing of the computer, all to no avail until someone suggested I move to Chrome from Safari.
Thank you for this article - you made my coffee morning.