Posts by i like crisps

Apple's Irish tax lair to be probed by European Commission

Did you know...

...that there is a law in Monaco that states that no one can shout the word "TAXMAN" in a Cinema or Theatre in case the ensuing stampede to get away causes the loss of Human life?

'CAPTAIN CYBORG': The wild-eyed prof behind 'machines have become human' claims

STRESS TEST.

As part of the Turing Test instead of a Q&A, how about an interrogation scenario?

To pass the test the AI would have to be able to adopt a criminal persona and be able to lie to an interrogator. The AI would have to be able to display the characteristics of stress, which humans suffer in these situations. This could then be measured by voice stress analysis. This then could be compared to an identical Human to Human interrogation to see if the "Spikes" are similar.

Re: So much to do, so little time...

"Chest Masters", was that before or after the "Bullworker"...sounds very 70's

"a load of cock"

Is that an Imperial or Metric measurement

BAFTA.

A Nobel prize might be a long way off yet, but i'm sure a "Lifetime Achievement Award For Comedy" is a lock!

"he installed a chip in his arm"

So basically he's just like Robocop now.

Kevin Warwick..

...did he do some "moonlighting" as a Ewok in Return of the Jedi.

"The Guardian has performed a Reverse Ferret"

Even Tom Daley can't perform that one!

Google to acquire satellite eye-in-sky Skybox for $500m

Bloody Hell...

...All they need to do now is recruit 100,000 Orcs, and Middle Earth is theirs for the taking!

Egghead dragged over coals for mining Bitcoin on uni supercomputer

i wouldn't have suspended him...

...i would've given him tenure.

Apple seeks 'friendly' mouthpiece after losing tight-lipped Cotton spinner – report

Re: What Apple needs is someone...

"a charm of Magpies"...That's lovely. I like the way that the white feathers at the end of their wings makes it look as though they're all wearing Posh Gloves. At least that's what they remind me of when i'm sighting them at the end of my twelve bore! Funny innit the things that go through your head.

How about...

...Kevin Spacey? His stint at The Old Vic is winding down...coincidence??

What Apple needs is someone...

...who can communicate their love for all things shiny...how about a Magpie?

Texan parks quadcopter atop Dallas Cowboys stadium

Re: DIRTY BOMB!!!

The clue is in the title,,,you don't have to kill or maim anyone, the panic generated by the phrase "Dirty Bomb" will cause Economic and Financial carnage, which is much better.

DIRTY BOMB!!!

Would make an excellent "Delivery System"....with a better operator, obviously.

"we got a Black Hawk down, we got a Black hawk down!"

What a twat.

Pictures of elite 'Chinese military hacker' published

If only we could give you a "upvote" El Reg.

You deserve one for that Headline.

Four years in chokey for Haxxor behind George W Bush NUDE SELFIES

"You lookin at me?"

4 years for stealing George w Bush's Nipples...silly boy.

Brazilian president signs internet civil rights law

Re: "From the country that gave you"...

So, Mr A.C and Mr Godfrey seem to think that a publicity stunt is more important than poverty? And i thought i was shallow!

Re: "From the country that gave you"...

Dear A.C,

Brazil should be prioritising and sorting out its Real-World problems rather than its Virtual ones.

"From the country that gave you"...

...Favelas, Police Death Squads and Nuts...

TalkTalk's catch-up telly fib silenced by ad watchdog

Steps back in amazement!

TalkTalk still going!!!

Who fancies a billion-quid bonanza? Just flog the Home Office some shiny walkie-talkies

I've got a cunning plan...

...i've got some old tin cans and sting lying around. If i spray them silver and paint a big letter "i" on them i think i'll probably be in with a chance to blag the cash!

95 floors in 43 SECONDS: Hitachi's new ultra-high-speed lift

"95 floors in 5 SECONDS"

When the cable snaps.

Tooled-up Ryobi girl takes nine-inch grinder to Asus beach babe

Re: Ms-matched

Dorris?

CHARLIE DIMMOCK!!!

Reminds me of her, only reason i watched Ground Force...does that sound shallow?

Asteroids as powerful as NUCLEAR BOMBS strike Earth TWICE YEARLY

Re: yeah, well

"Space Chunks", are they the same as the Pineapple variety?

Och aye! It's the Loch Ness Monster – but only Apple fanbois can see it

IF YOU LOOK VERY VERY CLOSELY YOU WILL SEE...

...that it is in fact the ghost of Steve Irwin and not Nessie.

SAVE THE EARTH... give all your iThings back to us, begs Apple

IRONIC REALLY...

...i mean, with the amount of Bullshit that comes out of that company, they're never going to hit Zero emissions, ever!

R.I.P. LADEE: Probe smashes into lunar surface at 3,600mph

The CRASHING ON THE MOON bit...

...they did that with the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, couldn't risk it falling back to Earth and landing in someones back garden.....my eyes are OPEN!!!!

Opportunity selfie: Martian winds have given the spunky ol' rover a spring cleaning

Surprised really...

...that it hasn't took more pictures of Donkeys....they still have them on Blackpool sands, don't they?

NASA finds first Earth-sized planet in a habitable zone around star

SO WHAT??

That is all.

Spanish village called 'Kill the Jews' mulls rebranding exercise

SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT VACATION SPOT...

Yours faithfully

E. Cartman.

Google shuts Glass store and nixes Video Call feature

Didn't Willy Wonka do something similar...

...those limited "Golden Tickets" certainly drove up demand for his chocky bars?

OK, we get the message, Microsoft: Windows Defender splats 1000s of WinXP, Server 2k3 PCs

Re: Why in the hell are any of us stupid enough...

idots??....some new piece of shit from Apple?

Burnt out on patches this month? Oracle's got 104 MORE fixes for you

PERHAPS...

...Larry Ellison could spend a bit more time on the "shop floor" and a little less time "twatting about in a boat"?

Mounties always get their man: Heartbleed 'hacker', 19, CUFFED

That would've been way cool if...

...they had actually turned up on horse back to arrest the guy!

OpenSSL bug hunt: Find NEXT Heartbleed, earn $$$ – if enough people donate cash

"WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A MEGA-FAIL IS DISCOVERED ?"

It would seem that its everyone for themselves!

Red-faced LOHAN team 'fesses up in blown SPEARS fuse fiasco

Maybe...

...a 13 amp one next time?

Ex-Tony Blair adviser is new top boss at UK spy-hive GCHQ

I WONDER....

....if GCHQ is still using XP?

Jack the RIPA: Blighty cops ignore law, retain innocents' comms data

As far as i can tell...

...there seems to be only one law for the security sevices: "Don't Ask, Don't Tell".

It seems to be working quite effectively.

EE dismisses DATA-BURNING glitch with Orange Mail app

Six degrees of Kevin Bacon.

I suppose they've got to raise the money some how, to pay for the shotgun-nosed prick?

Twitter rejigs layout, opens wide to swallow SLURRY OF ADS

I don't use Twitter to write crap...

...i use The Register instead!

Wookiee! CHEWIE'S BACK in Star Wars Ep VII – blab Hollywood 'sources'

Re: WORTH THE PRICE OF ADMISSION....

that would make for a very touching scene, one man and his Wookie.

Dr Bob's medical corner

I wonder if Wookie's suffer with Arthritis?...i mean, he's got to be about 400 in human years!

The only way he can realistically make "an appearance" in the next film is if Han had him stuffed and mounted in a corner of the Millenium Falcon....i suppose that would be a "Cameo Role"?

WORTH THE PRICE OF ADMISSION....

....to see Chewie with a Zimmer Frame.

Big Content goes after Kim Dotcom

Re: What to expect...

I'd always thought that "Extraordinary Rendition", would be something like Tom Jones singing "Saturday night" by Whigfield.

Drone 'hacked' to take out triathlete

They're not DRONES but R.C.T's

Thats: Radio Controlled Twats!

The Great Hash Bakeoff: Infosec bods cook up next-gen crypto

You missed a bit...

"Take a severful of Hash,add salt, hold the rainbow AND LEAVE THE BACKDOOR OPEN SO GCHQ CAN POP ROUND FOR A CUP OF COFFEE.

Symantec scratches head over balance sheet, calls in JPMorgan

FUCK NORTON!!!!!!!

Game Over.