Posts by Bumhug

Forget the Jesus Phone, here's the Rude Phone

But how do you hold it?

Is it able to withstand a good firm grip without going limp?

Street View threatens to throw Eurostrop

Simple solution

2 cars

First car drives a few hundred yards ahead of the second car. First car doesnt have a camera on top but a loudspeaker. First car has a passanger that warns people that the second car is on its way and people should close their blinds, move away from the porn shop, stop urinating in the street, or stop trying to break into a property.

Yes this would be more expensive, but as its google the first car could also play adverts enabling google to reach people who dont have access to internet or use ad blocker of some sort

Plus would give every one ample time to drop trou and let the second car know what we think of it

NHS hurls iPhone into booze abuse fray

Best app ever

Probably not its intended use but works great as a drinking game. Lets you randomly select Strength, size and amount of drinks you need to down in order to progress to the next round

WarMouse pushes gamers' buttons with OOMouse

Aimed at gamers, really?

"Adjustable resolution from 400 to 1,600 CPI"

So by gamers they mean people who play solitaire and the odd the odd facebook game then

BT to push fibre to 1.5m more homes and businesses

@micheal

"My parents aren't in outer hebrides, but a village (surrounded by vilages) in norfolk with a population of about 1200 people 8 miles from Fakenham"

Want to know something really funny, the local primary school has a nice 10mb fibre connection. I work at a high school not too far from there, we get a nice 100mb fibre connection while the local residents are lucky to get more than 1mb on adsl. Stupid amounts of money have been spent giving schools fibre connections while BT were doing this in the rural parts of Norfolk why on earth didnt they lay fibre to the cabinets

Greenpeace applauds Apple climate change flounce

Does the statement end with

Sent from my iPhone

Cameron escapes Twitter twat rap

Lets be honest

With all this talk of cuts the guys and gals at Ofcom must be a bit nervous that come next election they will be looking for new jobs. Time to suck up to the next boss

iPhone voted UK's 'coolest brand'

Who do they ask?

Is it the same people that voted BT Broadband most trusted ISP?

250GB PS3 Slim rumoured

Seems a bit expensive

Considering the price of a 250GB drive is only a couple pounds more than a 120GB drive. I guess the trick is to bundle it with a game so the consumer thinks they are getting a good deal when in reality they arent.

Tattooed Swedish devil girls sexually molest cyclist

RE: Why did he go to the police?

Or maybe they didnt finish what they started?

Mars projected to collide with Earth

Who cares?

By that time we will have trashed the earth, moved onto Mars, trashed that and be living in some far distant galaxy

Sony shows off PS3 motion-control magic wand

Felt sorry for the guys giving the demo

They seemed a bit embarrassed at first and the whole presentation looked like it was rushed and was going to be a bit of a car wreck. Once the guy playing though got over his nerves and actualy managed to do something other than swing unsuccessfuly at a ball it did look rather fun and impressive even if it has been seen before.

The problem Sony have though is its more peripheral than controller. With the Wii the controller is part of the console, you play games with it, you browse the web with it, you can turn it on and off with it without controller you are stuffed. Project Natal could ship with future 360's, maybe part of the elite package and while it wont work with current games you can still use the other functions of the console with it and can expect full integration and it could easily relegate the current controller to a secondary device you use to play games. Sony's effort just looks like its there for games which could prove its downfall. Ok so could be used to browse the PS3 menus but the Wii controller is like a remote, people use remotes all the time its normal, Natal will use hand gestures, just like in the movies how impressed will people be when they see you controlling your tv with just your hand. Sonys effort though would require two glow sticks in your hand doing little fish big fish cardboard box to queue up a movie.

Sony should of just kept quiet about it, and left it to CES. It would of probably been the finished product by then and it would then be released a few weeks later. What they should of done at E3 was announce a price cut, that would of won them the show and not doomed them to second place (Nintendo always get last place, not sure why they even bother turning up).

Toddler snaps up mechanical digger online

Its amazing how quick kids learn

My nephew at 8 months knew what a tv remote was for, while it was cute at first to watch him attempt to change the channel when he couldnt get it to work he resorted to throwing the remote at the tv, luckily he wasnt strong enough and the remote bounced harmlessly on the floor.

These days though at 20 months he has mastered the art of changing channel, he even knows that the sky remote doesnt always turn the tv on so uses the tv remote to do that. He knows how to switch on PC's and laptops and that to do things on them you need to use a mouse and keyboard, though after a while of hitting random keys and waving the mouse around with no luck he resorts to hitting the keyboard with the mouse. So already he has the technical knowledge of the average Windows user

Wacky Jacqui spanked by husband

Missed the obvious excuse

Should of claimed it was research....

Am I the only one scared that this woman could end up as PM. Conservatives should win the next election hands down, by the time the election after that rolls round the global recession will be over and they will win another term. Next election and cracks are starting to show but Labour have yet to find anyone with any personality to challange. After that election though cameron steps down wanting to leave at the top (and more importantaly knows there is a shit storm on the way) and someone who has zero chance of winning the next election gets made party leader and our PM. Labour see this is their best chance of winning but dont want to take any risks and need a dead cert, they think about going the obama route but dont want to scare middle england so instead decide a woman is the best bet to secure votes. And thats how Jacqui Smith ends up as PM

EA: No DRM for Sims 3

Sims 3 just doesnt need it

Sims 3 is going to be one of the most pirated games of the year, but it will also be one of the biggest sellers. And any money they "lose" from pirate copies they will more than make up with the endless amounts of expansions that do nothing more than add a few extra bits of furniture

Barclays heralds new wave of wallet-waving

Obvious flaw in this system

What happens when every card has this technology? If your wallet contains 4 cards which one will it take payment from?

Red Dwarf touches down in Coronation Street

plot spoiler

http://www.digitalspy.com/cult/a145404/red-dwarf-begins-filming-at-corrie.html

Is it just me or does that sound a rubbish story? If thats the best they can come up with its no wonder the movie never happend and the show got relegated to Dave.

Windows 7 'upgrade' doesn't mark XP spot

@Richard

"Still, I'd probably opt for a clean install anyway, since I'll be starting with a clean slate. Not really a good option for those managing a large network, having adopted a "We don't need no stinkin' Vista" attitude though."

Those managing a large network are not going to go round running an upgrade on each pc. They may put on their timesheets that they spent 20 hours over the weekend upgrading pc's but most of that will be spent in the pub while the pc copies an image accross from a server

Digital Britain: A tax, a quango and ISP snooping

Dear Internet User

It has come to our attention that you use the "Internet". As you may be aware there are some websites on the "Internet" that allow visitors to illegally download copyrighted material, the common name for this is "Piracy". It is believed that "Piracy" costs the music industry billions of pounds a year in lost revenue though we cant really be sure as the little research that has been done regarding "Piracy" suggests it doesnt have a major impact, but the record companies tell us it does and we believe them. The "Piracy" problem is so wide spread that it would cost the Record Industry billions to take everyone to court so we the Government have decided to step in.

As you are a user of the "Internet" we are going to asume you are a criminal and download things illegally. Dont worry though, we wont take you to court instead we will fine you a small amount on a monthly basis and once we have taken our share of said amount as a handling fee whats left will go towards Amy Winehouse's heroin bill.

If you believe that this fine (hereby called Internet Tax) does not apply to you we are sorry but no refunds can be given. By all means though feel free to help yourself to the wide range of music, video and games available to download illegally as after all you are now paying for it.

Yours sincerely

The Government

PS please vote for us in the next election

Sony's 11in OLED finally lands in Europe

Sonys guide to the credit crunch

Step 1: Spend vast amounts of money on R&D

Step 2: Come up with a product that on paper is fairly impressive but in practice useless

Step 3: Spend vast amounts of money making it look pretty

Step 4: Spend vast amounts of money marketing the thing

Setp 5: Release the fairly impressive but in practice useless product in Japan and US at a price point higher than anything else on the market, if they complain slag off the competition and say your product is the best and people are paying for quality

Step 6: Wait a few months

Step 7: Release fairly impressive but in practice useless product in Europe for twice the price it costs in Japan and US, if they complain blame VAT

Step 8: Lose billions

Goat hangs self in Canadian zoo

Sex games gone wrong

Obviously

Rapists should be raped, declares Jordan

But what if....

The rapist consents to his punishment?

Superworm seizes 9m PCs, 'stunned' researchers say

@John Hughes

Tried getting support when an app goes wrong and its running through Wine? Even if you are 99.999999999% certain its an app related problem rather than a OS based problem they wont want to know

Seagate customers swamped by Barracuda drive failures

Oh great

Not only do I now have Hearts Barracuda going round my heard but also have an urge to play Guitar Hero 3.

Ooooooooh, barracuda

What? Its Friday

HDTV 'pointless' without perfect peepers

Story correction

High Street optician Vision Express has warned that many people aren’t getting the full adavantage of HD quality telly because their specs, contact lenses or good old unaided peepers aren’t strong enough and should immidiatly pop down to their local Vision Express to see the new range of HD ready glasses and contact lenses.

Net pedants dismantle Quantum of Solace

Movie was ruined for me

"In the opening car chase, the Aston Martin and Alfa Romeo go round a pack of cars stuck in traffic. When the policeman uses his radio, you can see a blue Vauxhall Corsa in the background. You can see the badge on it and it is actually a Vauxhall Corsa with Italian number-plates, which is incorrect as Vauxhall cars are branded as Opel in continental Europe."

I noticed that as well, walked out in disgust. Manager wouldn’t even give me my money back. I hope somebody got fired for that mistake

BNP races to get membership list off the net

One way to kick start the housing market

Be a fair few people looking to move in a hurry, could be what this country needs to kick start the economy.

Championship Gaming Series runs out of quarters

An idea whose time came too early?

Well it was bound to fail if they think the idea was ahead of its time. Have they not heard of the internet? If you base a gaming competition round TV deals you have failed to actualy understand who your target audience is. Doesnt help that the results are going to be posted on news sites before its shown on TV so while watching people play games on TV is boring enough when you know the result its a total non event.

They also tried to make superstars out of gamers, that aint going to work either. In every sport there are armchair fans who think they are better than the pros, with gaming though most of the armchair fans are going to be better than the pros. Add to that the majority of the pros are all about the same age, have no responsibilities and live with their parents. People the same age resent them and people older than them think they are dicks.

So you have a group of people nobody likes competing in a tournament closed to the majority of players and the whole thing is shown on TV after the results have been posted on the web. Yeah thats going to work.

Gaming can and will work as a sport but unlike any other sport all ages, sexes, races, and lard asses can compete on the same grounds. It will never create huge superstars that sponsors will like and it wont be a massive spectator sport. But exploit the fact that anyone can compete and organise it over the net and you are on to a winner.

Paris, as she can handle a joystick better than anyone else

Oz driver pulled with todger in pasta sauce jar

Shouldnt the police be up for charges as well?

Since he didnt stop jerking off while they were beating him could be argued he was getting sexual pleasure from it. So were they an accessory to his offensive behaviour?

BNP membership list leaks online

Ooops

turns out that fake membership I got my dad for Christmas wasnt fake after all

Gamers cash in on LittleBigPlanet delay

Dont bring Manchester Cathedral into it!

"A few months ago they release a game set in an exact digital replica of a cathedral. The church complained (with some justification) that they were not happy about such a violent sequence being set inside an exact replica of their place of worship. Sony basically said STFU and released it anyway, because it is the Christians and no-one is bothered about pissing them off"

Slightly twisted view on what actualy happend. Sony released a game in November 2006 that didnt have one single complaint until June 2007 when the main complaint from the cathedral was COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT! The game was out for 7 months and during that time not one Christian played it? Or is it more likely lots of Christians played it they just didnt get offended by something so trivial. The Cathedral even shamelessly used a couple of shootings that happend a few days early to draw attention to their Copyright Infringement claim. They didnt want the game banned, they just wanted the images of Manchester Cathedral removed, not the cathedral completly just the likeness oh and a substantial donation as well.

"Note that no-one has named the original track name or artist name, and presumably if you so wished you could still go and by the music."

The song is Tapha Niang by Toumani Diabaté who is actualy a devote Muslim. The main point and probably reason for recall is the translation of the quotes. What they say is "Every soul shall have the taste of death" and "All that is on earth will perish". Now considering this is a family game and the main character is a very marketable plushy I would wager religion plays a very small part in why it was recalled

Harvey Keitel to experience Life on Mars

It could of been a lot worse

Gene Hunt was played by Colm Meany in the pilot, luckily they saw sense

Postman Pat goes postal

My local postie is a hero

When I get a package sent and I am not home to collect it rather than take the said package to the main depot which is about 5 miles away he takes it to the local post office which is about 100 yards away.

Of course the local post office only opens between 9am and 5pm and it never occurs to him that perhaps the reason I am not there is because I have a job and taking it there rather than the main depot which opens at 8am and closes at 7pm is a huge fucking inconvenience as I have to get up early on a Saturday (it closes at 12pm on a Saturday, which is early for me) and then have to spend half an hour in a queue just to find out it was a bloody free sample of soap powder *takes deep breath*

I did always wonder though why Postman Pat takes a cat round with him, but its obvious really. Dogs hate cats more than postman so if he ever gets chased by a savage pitbull he can simply throw the cat at it and make a quick escape while Jess is ripped to shreds

Daily Mail hacks get emergency bird flu jabs

What a horrible world it would be

Imagine a world wiped out by bird flu, the only survivors are Daily Mail staff. Surely they would need to vacinate a some ethnic minorities and peados so they would have something to talk about?

Ofcom slaps MTV with £255k fine

I am shocked!

Not at the launguage, or the size of the fine. People actualy watch MTV these days?

S60 users go Wiiiiiii

Can get baseball on it as well

With no need for a wii remote. Place phone in one hand, hold baseball bat in other, throw phone upwards then grab the bat with the hand that was holding the phone. Now quickly swing the bat while trying to hit the phone

Best played outside and not on a crowded train

PC superstore unhinged by Linux

Surely its just less hassel to reinstall?

Laptop would of come with a recovery disk, so just ghost an image of drive, insert cd and stick xp on and take back to get fixed. Sure can become some consumer hero looking for 15 minutes of fame but doesnt get your laptop fixed any quicker does it?

Teachers vote to ban internet

loss of concentration, fatigue, reduced memory and headaches

Hmmm looking back to when I was at school

Loss of concentration? Check

Fatigue? Check

Reduced memory? Possible, was a long time ago and cant remember that far back

Headaches? Dunno if I had them but was a good excuse to get morning/afternoon off so check

Maybe I should sue for being subjected to government experiements when I was at school. Or maybe as it was over 15 years ago my claims are pointless rather like those being made at the moment

Manhunt 2 shut out by Sony and Nintendo

Wii friendly!

With Manhunt 2 banned, Rockstar need to rethink their strategy for Wii games. Manhunt Party would be a great chance to break into the Wii market. Rather than use realistic gory graphics can can use the Mii’s

Game 1: Super Strangulation Bros

Using the Wii remote and nunchuck you have to strangle your Mii until its eyes pop out

Game 2: Viva Pimpata

Your hoes have been giving you grief, using the Wii remote and nunchuck smack that bitch around till she gives you the $ she has been holding out on. Kind of like Wii boxing but you don’t want to do too much damage to one area of the ho as if you do it reduces her street value

Game 3: Ninja Gaydong

Isometric view, you have to stalk a Mii hiding behind cars, trees, and bushes. When you are close enough to the mii the screen switches view and you are shown a series of gestures, complete each gesture to move onto the next part of the game. First gesture is to get the mii in a headlock, second is to pin them up against a car, and third is to pull their trousers down. Once you have the mii prone the game changes to a rhythm game and using the wii remote and nunchuck you have to thrust in time with the on screen display. Lose your rhythm too much and you lose your erection and its game over, hit the rhythm and the victim yelps

Game 4: Wee sports

Using the Wii remote urinate over a tied up Mii, points are awarded for in the eyes, up the nose and in the mouth. The mii’s head is moving so not an easy task to hit the targets, once you have hit a combo though you flick the nunchuck as if you were opening a lighter, then have to do a flick down motion on the movement stick until the lighter lights, a sideways flicking motion will then throw the lighter on your opponents mii setting them on fire. When they are on fire no points can be scored until the player extinguishes the mii by pissing on the flames

Game 5: Bukkake Momma: Jerk off

Bukkake Momma loves the cock! There is a line of 5 mii’s all with blank expression on their faces. Using the Wii remote you have to jerk off each mii until they shoot their load on your face. When jerking off a mii their expression changes until they have a big grin on their face. once a Mii’s head starts bobbing they are about to cum, moving the control stick can move between mii’s and bonus points are scored if you can get combo cums (cumbos) which means making a mii come 5 seconds after another one. Once a mii has cum they go soft for a while but get hard again so can go back to them, game has a set time limit though a player can win if he get a 5 mii cumbo