Posts by Captain DaFt

My top tip for Microsoft: Stop charging for Windows Phone 8

Re: Horses for courses

Like browsing a nice, slick magazine?

You may be right, I haven't browsed a nice, slick magazine in years, because they're all are overpriced, lack content, and are always outdated by the time they're on the shelves.

Twitter adds loopy videos with Vine integration

sarcasm/Oh Joy!/sarcasm

Tech marches on! Forget sound bites, we now have sight bites!

(Are they still taking applications for that one-way trip to Mars?)

Microsoft blasts PC makers: It's YOUR fault Windows 8 crash landed

Note to Ballmer

If you *really and truly* believe all that praise you've been heaping on Win 8 and all it's alliterations... Please check your shoes.

If that smell's not from something you've stepped in, then you actually don't know shit from Shinola!

Dead Steve Jobs' patent war threat to Palm over 'no-hire pact'

Re: Steve Jobs

In other words; "Typical successful CEO".

Microsoft to pump cash into Dell buyout deal?

And then, unexpectedly...

Apple swoops in and buys Dell, then dissolves it, to the uncanny background sound of Steve Jobs laughing from the grave...

Microsoft's Intel-powered Surface Pro to launch in February

Well, at that price

And those specs, I'm rushing right out and buying... something with higher specs at a lower price!

C'mon, two minutes googling turns up dozens of laptops, tablets and hybrids that beat this on both, several even run your choice of Win 7 or 8!

Megaupload outed file-sharers to Feds months before Dotcom raid

@sabroni

You left out "and anything else that catches their attention."

Microsoft promises big shiny tool to cheer glum Windows resellers

Re: That's a terrible thing...

"True, he is not very Shiny."

Challenge; go to Youtube, search "Ballmer".

Watch the videos and take a shot every time there's a lens flare from his sweaty pate.

Call me when you get out of rehab.

Cisco sued by East Carolina University

@Rukario

Could you drop a note to Burt Bacharach, and tell him how to get there? (It's been such a long time, he may go wrong.)

New tool jailbreaks Microsoft Surface slabs in 20 SECONDS

Re: Run *any* desktop software of their choosing?

Well... it might come in handy for homebrew apps... like one that resets the bootloader to run the OS of your choice... just saying.

Now if only some numpty gets iOS running on it, just to piss off the maximum number of fanbois, of all creeds!

Apple rubbishes rumours of iPhone for the masses

Re: "smartphone leader"

"Why change something when it actually isn't broken? Apple are still selling shedloads..,"

Wind back a few years, and check out how well that plan worked for Palm, RIM, Nokia, and even Microsoft in the cellphone market.

Corporations are like sharks, if they don't keep moving, they die.

ZTE to launch Mozilla-based phone in Europe in 2013

Mozilla phone, eh?

Hello Mr. Moto, meet Mr. MoFo.

Google's Schmidt: I squeezed Norks to lift web blockade

Don't mind me...

The cynical sighing that I'm doing is because I can't get the image out of my head of Schmidt in a meeting room with an attentive crowd of North Korean officials, giving them a powerpoint demo of the effectiveness of using internet to increase their efficiency in spying on the North Korean population.

Texas schoolgirl loses case over RFID tag suspension

Re: To be literal or not to be literal...

It's been my observation that people who insist "That the Bible (or the Talmud, or the Quran, or the [insert holy book of What/Whoever somebody worships here], is literally true", usually mean, "Whatever I choose it to mean, and I can prove it by selectively picking random bits from it that can be bent to mean what I want and ignoring the bits that don't, or ever plainly state that I am wrong."

The Human mind is a delightfully peculiar instrument of self deception, (That's why I've never missed mine since I "lost" it.*)

*Of course, it might have simply let me believe that I lost it, but... eh...

Nokia chief Elop: 'Android? Hey, anything's possible!'

@vyzar

You forgot one: Web OS.

It's out in the wild now, and Nokia could afford to licence the proprietary bits from HP.

HP's already demonstrated its capabilities (although they've proven totally inept at utilising it properly).

If Nokia'd polish it a bit, add the capability to run Android apps, and add their own UI and services, it just might be the middle ground between Android and MS that they'd need to make their own territory in the smartphone market.

Hey Lenovo, want to kill Apple? Look to Samsung hitman for tips

Tip two

Offer Thinkpads with alternative OSs.

Oracle, Dell, CSC, Xerox, Symantec accused of paying ZERO UK tax

Note to MPs:

Following the laws you've passed and benefiting from it is unethical.

Yes, we get the picture, you've been beating us over the head with it for months now.

Apparently it's only "ethical" and legal if everyone follows your laws in a manner that enriches you and causes us hardship and suffering.

Question: When did the British Government become a fundamentalist sect?

Polaroid plans retail Fotobars to print out your pics

And if this fails...

Will Polaroid try opening a livery stable in downtown Detroit?

Microsoft says Google trying to undermine Windows Phone

Re: Microsoft should take the first step

"they should cover them in cheese"

Trust me, bacon works way better!

Meh, They may be better off without it.

The Wii didn't have a Youtube app, so I just used the built in browser and went to Youtube XL, life was good.

Then, just this past December, a Youtube channel was added to the Wii Shop, and all attempts to log on to Youtube XL were directed to a page exhoting you to download the app, "specially written for Wii, to ehance the Youtube experience."

Whoever it was at Google that wrote this abomination has either never heard of the Wii, or hates it intensely!

It has its own keyboard, strictly alphanumerics and space, no punctuation keys, and it's freakin' laid out alphabetically!

Really Google? Is there anyone under 90 that's not familiar with the standard qwerty keyboard? You know, like that one that the Wii has accessable for every thing that runs on it?

Add to this, the number of videos I've been able to view withb this app is exactly ZILCH! It locks the entire system up, requiring a reset every freakin" time it's run!

And the Wii is not alone with this problem, from researching the problem on the web, it seems that the Youtube app for Playstations is just as bunged up as the Wii one!

So count yourself lucky, Microsoft, if Google does write a Youtube app just for you, it will probably be yet another balls-up.

Leaping hedgehog probes planned for Martian moon Phobos

I'm amazed

Spinning, bouncing hedgehogs on Phobos... Does Stanford and NASA really expect to find gold rings and chaos emeralds there?

What's THAT, you say? Apple MIGHT be making a NEW iPHONE, iOS?

click bait.

UK.gov: You didn't trust us with your ID, so we gave it to private biz

" eradicate terrorism and pedophilia"

To paraphrase Star Wars: "The more you tighten your grip, the more they will slip through your fingers."

The only end result ever increasing intrusiveness is a society that fears and distrusts the police and government, which ends up shielding the criminals, because the average person will be to afraid to point them out for fear of being arrested.

"You DARE impugn that such atrocities still exist in our perfect state? Obviously you are a malcontent and a danger to the State! Arrest him!"

Senate votes to continue FISA domestic spying through 2017

It figures...

To busy arguing about who gets to turn the wheel to keep the bus from going over the fiscal cliff, but plenty of time to snoop on the passengers as it hurtles over. [sigh]

Amazon outage whacked Netflix US customers on Christmas Eve

To paraphrase Homer Simpson

"The Cloud, the answer too, and cause of, most modern data problems."

Ten… top tech cock-ups of 2012

Re: The *Other* Side

SOPA, PIPA, etc., were(are) pushed by the big boys.

The other side also consists of writers, artists, musicians, and playwrights that'd love not having to sell their souls and lively hoods to the major corps for a pittance.

8086 and All That. Revisited

Whoa!

More or less as accurate as some modern histories of computing that I've seen, but it did have me double checking to make sure I wasn't on Dr. Boli's website!

Rampaging gnu crashes Microsoft Store, hands out literature

Re: less pranks, more apps

When was the last time you tried a Linux distro, 1992?

I once challeged my bro'-in-law to a race; He booted XP, and I plopped a Puppy disc into into another machine, I was surfing the internet before he had finished booting!

Yes there are hardcore distributions out there that only the "leet" can fathom, but there's also a lot of light, nimble distros for the "noobs" that just want it to work.

@Stoneshop

I agree, that arguement is outdated.

I want new software on my desktop... I just click open the installer, click on what I want, and there it is!

If it's some esoteric beast that's not listed, a quick google, download, and click... there it is.

It's all so simple these days...

365 days in SPAAACE: An interstellar glance at 2012

And through all this, nobody consulted the Mayans.

Little known fact: The Mayans are still here. In fact, in Mexico alone, there are over 6 million Mayans!

Basically, one day they just said "Screw the government, I'm going home!", left the cities, and went back to living in small villages.

Their take on the whole Apocalypse froo-frah? "Crazy gringoes."

In fact, they're looking forward to the new grand cycle, since it's supposed to be a new era of prosperity and enlightenment.

(That would've made for lousy Doomsday headlines, though. "Mayans Predict Good Times Coming")

Twitter passes 200 million monthly users

Uh... Ewww!

Note to self:

Refrain from posts that end in anally related comments... The "X Thumbs up" that gets appended afterward just looks... wrong!

Sounds about right

"Passed 200 million... users."

That's on heck of a bowel movement!

Assange voted in to play John McAfee in upcoming blockbuster

Re: McAfee? Pah

I second this!

Surely after the LOHAN project is over, the renegade robotic mower is put down (they almost always go renegade, y'know), and they finally tire of or break the friggin' laser, the SPB will have time to produce the Playmonaut's life in stunning stop motion playmobile animation!

AFACT wants ushers to confront pirates

Sounds like a plan to me

A. Get theater help to harass customers trying to catch them pirating movies.

B. Offended customers shun theaters, and watch pirated films instead.

C. AFACT notes that movie profits are down, pirating is up, squeezes studios for more cash to combat "growing menace".

D. PROFIT! (For AFACT, not the studios.)

PayPal founder funds 'tornado-driven' power plant

Re: Prior art.

I'm confused... I thought that people in those places are given power, and use it to generate hot air!

Yahoo!'s Mayer, Apple's Cook 'Person of the Year' finalists

Re: A small error

I agree.

When the mainstream press is full of "Apple sues everybody" stories, and such tidbits as the Apple maps flap, even non-tech people start noticing.

Facebook to debut auto-play video ads in 2013

When the revolution comes...

Ever get the feeling it'll be the ad marketers first up against the wall?

Pesty lawyers'll just have to wait their turn. (Let'em sue the politicians for allowing the revolution while they wait. It'll keep both groups so occupied that they won't try to hide.)

Polish man mistakes hot iron for mobe

Could have been worse...

They could have called again!

Goldman Sachs: Windows' true market share is just 20%

Re: Ms hate

Three words: Embrace, extend, extinguish.

Most recent case: the netbook, which was a thriving market until Microsoft released a cutdown version of XP to run on them (Embrace, leaned on manufacturers to beef up the specs to run it (extend), then forced them to limit their functionality so they wouldn't compete with Vista laptops (extinguish). The result; netbooks fell even faster than they rose.*

The old timers out there can point out other examples, dating back to the 1980s. So while yes, there is plenty of other choices out there, there would have been much more choice today if Microsoft hadn't tried it's damnedest to control the entire market. (BEOS, DR Dos, and the QNX desktop are some choices that Microsoft successfully stomped out of existence.)**

*I'll give Apple their due here. Jobs saw what was coming, and did a sweet end-run around Microsoft's blindside by incrementally (iPod, then iPhone, then iPad) bringing the fondleslab to market, even as the netbook rose and fell.

** No, Amiga doesn't count. Commodore did that all by themselves. (Less shot themselves in the foot, more aimed a 15 inch gun at their own crotch and fired, repeatedly.

UN's 'bid to wrestle control of internet' stalled by asterisk

@TeeCee

But that's the point isn't it?

Give'em all a big building to meet in, and let them argue over trivial details and imagined slights with all the posturing and pontificating that they can muster.

It keeps them off the streets and out of real trouble, like starting World Wars every twenty years or so.

Group vows new webOS smartphone by 2016

Aiming too high

Everybody's trying to get a new OS on cellphones right now, and against the Apple and Android juggernaughts, it's an uphill battle, even for long time players like RIM. (Note that Palm went bust trying it with this same OS.)

Even a powerhouse like Microsoft, with billions to throw at it, is struggling to get back on the phones.

Try getting a "hobby OS" version running on PCs first, then try to get some low level manufacturers putting it on cheap tablets and netbooks (Cheapy handhelds are a surprisingly large, and unspoken segment of the market at the moment), then aim at phones when there's more traction.

Better to be perceived as the cheap/low end alternative than fade away tilting at windmills.

This is out of hand now: Apple attempts to trademark the LEAF

@TeeCee

Well there is the old joke about the Pope passing to Heaven and being shown around.

After being shown to his palace in Heaven, he looked out the window, and saw another palace whose magnificence dwarfed his and all the other Popes.

"Surely that must be the palace of the Almighty Himself!", he cried.

"No," said Saint Peter,"a lawyer lives there."

The Pope was dumfounded. "Surely we Popes, that have dedicated our lives to God, deserve better than a mere lawyer!"

Saint Peter responded,"We have many Popes here, but there dwells the only lawyer in Heaven!"

If Apple sues, I hope he's a talented one as well.

Valve chief confirms Steam-centric console-killing PC

@McWibble

If they actually licensed the design, and made it look like a companion cube, I'd just have one thing to say to them:

"Shut up and take my money!"

Iran draws veil over lolcats, launches local YouTube knock-off

Re: Youtube without the offensive bits...

Not much, evidently, since all they have left is a 404 page.

Report: Apple, Google, Microsoft join forces to buy Kodak patents

Re: ...

Really, it just leads to confusion and chaos.

"The enemy of my frenemy is my...?"

The frenemy on my enemy is my...?"

"The frenemy of my frenemy, that's not me is my...?"

"Aw, screw it! Launch the nukes!"

I think I'll just stick to friends, enemies and "friends of convenience" myself, it's safer!

John McAfee rushed to hospital over heart attack fears

Tomorrow on El Reg;

"McAfee claims Belize 'hit squad' behind apparent heart attacks"

(After he went on the run with his girlfriend, I was disappointed the Reg headline wasn't "Nut Bolts and Screws")

Windows Phone 8 must be Microsoft's priority one, two AND three

@dotdavid

Same here.

If Windows had made TIFKAM an option, and merely tweaked the Win 7 interface a bit on 8, I'm pretty sure a lot of the press would be more "An enhancement to the Windows experience" and a lot less "WTF Microsoft?"

Einstein almost tagged dark energy in the early 1920s

Re: But what about the cat?

The cat was fine. After Schrödinger put it in the box and closed the lid, Someone in another room saw an empty bag moving, opened it, and let the cat out of the bag.

(Seems Schrödinger forgot to account for quantum tunneling and feline luck.)

First pic of Ashton Kutcher as the great Steve 'jOBS'

Re: Jobs deserved an actor

Could have been worse... They could have cast Adam Sandler... Just saying.

'Microsoft to make its own Surface phones' - mutterings

@WraithTDK

The confusion's on Microsoft's part.

Just because an interface works well on one thing, doesn't mean it should be the default interface for *everything*!

According to their way of thinking, since the Dasboard, steering wheel, pedals interface works so well for cars, it ought to be the grand unifying interface used on stoves, washers, TVs and even the kitchen sink, too.

Phones, computers and tablets each have their own unique uses, and need a user interface that suits each one. Hell, even Apple understands that.

Now pardon me, my stove doesn't have cruise control, so I have to go keep my foot on the pedal if I'm going to cook dinner...