Posts by Captain DaFt

NSA data centre launch delayed as power surges 'melt metal, zap racks'

Hardly surprising

If you've ever worked with security projects.

The Number one mantra, no matter what the clearance, is "Need to know".

Everything's broken down to units, each with its own design team and crew, and nobody knows anything about any other part, aside from inputs and outputs relevant to their own unit.

Power conditioning on one unit could throw it out of phase with the power conditioning of another unit it's supposed to be hooked up to. >KABOOM<

Another problem here is power phase labels. One unit could have them labeled ABC, another CAB, and another BAC, and another CBA, for example.

So when it's time to wire yours into the system, naturally, you'll hook A to A, B to B, and C to C. This leads to crossed phases all over the place, and when the switch is thrown, >KABOOM<!

And during troubleshooting, all the gear you're responsible for is designed to spec, it has to be somebody else's fault!

DEATH WATCH counts down seconds to wearer's demise

Re: @ Captain DaFt - Does it come with a death time guarantee?

Nope, still inaccurate if I kick off early.

"Looking both ways before crossing is for wienies!" - Road Kill

Does it come with a death time guarantee?

'Cause if it hits zero, and I'm not dead, I want my money back!

And if I croak before it hits zero... Can my family get a refund?

Cook invokes GHOST of STEVE JOBS in Apple-wide memo

Offers please...

How much?

Oh, you knew someone was going to do it. :)

Dutch oven overcooked in World Solar Challenge

"Japan's Hachinohe Institute of Technology was unable to pass pre-start scrutineering"

Darned shame... That thing looked like it wandered straight out of a seventies Japanese science fiction movie!

Look at it! http://regmedia.co.uk/2013/10/05/wsc-hochinoe.jpg

It looks like it could convert from car, to boat, to aircraft if you played the right background music!

(And just try to convince me those yellow rectangles in the front aren't frikkin' Lasers!)

Wacky racers – The Reg's guide to 2013's Solar Challengers

Re: Snidely Whiplash? Shurely Shome Mishtake

Dick Dastardly was the 'Wacky Races' bad guy... correct

How ever, The Hooded Claw* was Penelope Pitstop's nemesis in 'The Perils of Penelope Pitstop', Not Snidely Whiplash.

He was the dim-witted nemesis of the even dimmer-witted Dudley Do-right of 'Dudley Do-Right of the Mounties'.

Damn! I'm a cartoon nerd, who knew?

*Not to be confused with Dr. Claw, Inspector Gadget's nemesis.

Re: Looks like it needs help reaching even the lower shelves.

"What kind of supplies does a croc take for such a trip?"

Oh, the usual, careless/illiterate swimmers, and dental floss to help remove the bathing suits from one's teeth after dining.

The Vulture 2: What paintjob should we put on our soaraway spaceplane?

A couple of suggestions

Garish, but highly visible in most conditions:

http://i.imgur.com/H2G1P8h.png - v-1 high visibility/contrast dayglo red/green

Less garish, still easily visible:

http://i.imgur.com/GUFdQk1.png - v-2 El Reg red and silver

Robot WildCat slips its leash and bounds around parking lot

OK

So I watched the video twice... It still looks like it's running backwards to me.

British support for fracking largely unmoved by knowledge of downsides

Re: Fracking Nukes

I loved the hover text on that one:

"The moment their arms spun freely in our air, they were doomed -- for Man has earned his right to hold this planet against all comers, by virtue of occasionally producing someone totally batshit insane."

Hell yeahs!

Adobe hit by 'sophisticated' mega hack ransack

"We are not aware of any zero-day exploits targeting any Adobe products."

Have you tried looking?

Flutter-BYE, we're all Google now: Ad giant slurps gesture-tastic app-maker

Re: That quote

Translated to real speak: "WOW! Google paid us a fortune for this! Woo-hoo, I'm rich!"

Yahoo! Finds! Cash! Behind! Sofa! For! Proper! Bug! Bounties!

Re: Real cash or Y!Tat?

"I can't imagine what one would do with ao many Y! Tshirts."

Well, I had an idea, but then realised that they wouldn't flush well after use.

Google adds Large Hadron Collider tunnel to Street View

Re: Idea

I wouldn't advise it. Some fool would use the minecraft version to open a portal to the real world, and next thing you know, creepers everywhere!

NSA's Project Marina stores EVERYONE'S metadata for A YEAR

Re: This new?

Nope, a bit old in fact.

Here's a little history for those of us repeating it: "They Thought They Were Free"

http://www.press.uchicago.edu/Misc/Chicago/511928.html

Our secret pet court said it was all OK.

After we showed the judge the data we'd collected on him... and promised to keep quiet.

NASA finds use for 3D printers: Launch them into SPAAACE

ORLY?

"We're taking additive manufacturing technology to new heights"

And I'll bet he said it with a straight face.

Would you hire a hacker to run your security? 'Yes' say Brit IT bosses

Re: In the words of the great Dr. House: Morons ...

"How do you ensure you dealing with a hacker who hasn't been caught?"

Easy, take your most secure, locked down system, and hide the job posting there using every encryption book in the trick.

Only accept applications that are appended to it.

IPCC: Yes, humans are definitely behind all this global warming we aren't having

Enough already!

I'll ask someone I can trust!

Hey, Wino Woody, what can you tell us about global warming?

Wino Woody:

>Adjusts tinfoil hat<

>Drinks pint of Mad Dog<

>Spreads bread crumbs around to attract pigeons to act as audience<

>Pisses self<

>Climbs up on milk crate<

IT'S DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME WUT CAUSES IT!!

Think 'bout it, Everah year we goes on daylight savin's time for six months, theh we goes back to regulah time the rest ah teh year.

WE NEVAH USE THEM DAYLIGHT HOURS WE'VE SAVED!

Think abowddit, we'd hafta go back TWO hours to use them hours we saved up, but we nevah do, WHAT's THE GIBBIMIT DOIN" WITH ALL THAT DAYLIGHT!?

They's storing it! Puttin' it all in big ol' underground silos out in teh midwest, an' tellin' everah one it's a noo-clear-ya missles ta keep people from gettin sush-pick-shush!

AN' IT GETS WUSS!

Teh hole gawdam time them communists was running Russia, THEY WUZ ON DAYLIGHT SAVIN'S TIME TEH HULL TIME!! YAR IN AN' YAR OUT!! Jes' a-pilin' all that sunshine in big ol' warehouses in Siberia!

An now? AN' NOW?? I'LL TELL YOU 'BOUT NOW!!

The pas' twenny years er so, them silos aaaaaaan' warehouses is a startin' ta break down! All tha' extra sunshine's a bin leakin' owt, a heatin' things up, and NOW IT'S JES' GONNA GET WORSE!!

WE'S A GONNA DIE a heatstroke an' cancer, AN' TEH POLAR BEAR'S A GONNA GET US!! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

>passes out and falls off milk crate<

..........

Ok, I'm sure you all found that as edifying as I have.

Check back again in about 30 days (He should out of rehab and back on the street again by then) When I'll see if I can arrange for him and Mr. Orlowski to have a debate.

US regulators seek public input on plan to investigate patent trolls

Hunting trolls? You're doing it wrong!

They're just taking advantage of flaws in the patent system.

You want to get rid of trolls, FIX THE FRIGGIN' SYSTEM!

Set a system/procedures in place to actually check validity of a claim, not just let the courts clean up the mess later.*

Here's a unique step: Only the inventor can hold a patent! Patents should be non-transferable, period! You want to use it, pay him/her/it for the right to use it.

And the death blow? No software/process patents! If copyright can cover it, it shouldn't be patented.

*"Oh, but where will we ever find the money for this?" I dunno, maybe a couple less Abrams Tanks for the Military? You know, the ones that they don't want, but Congress insists they buy to keep the pork flowing?

Microsoft keeps Skype content safe from police data slurping - for now

Too bad

That MS says this after the NSA said that:

http://www.pcworld.com/article/2049860/nsa-surveillance-court-says-no-upper-limit-on-phone-records-collection.html

So the NSA is free to listen in on ALL phone calls, and MS can't legally mention it.

Boris Johnson's ex-right-hand man's right hand lands johnson in web slip

Re: common sense infraction

"If he's guilty of anything its having a complete disregard for common sense"

We already know he's a politician, so that is a given.

Falling apart, piece by piece

First he loses his seat, and now his todger's got loose on the web.

Whatever next?

Boffins have constructed a new LIGHT SABRE. Their skills are complete

One way I figured to build an actual light sabre would use a laser that, when focused, would be powerful enough to heat air to plasma.

Then using a piezoelectric lens so that the focal point would be swept back and forth to generate the 'blade'.

It'd look like a light sabre, burn through stuff, and make the crackling and vroom sounds.

Unfortunately, sword fights wouldn't work, the 'blades' would pass through each other.

Two major drawbacks:

The handle would need to be hooked up to a rather unwieldy power source and cooling air supply. You'd look like you were dragging a vacuum cleaner around by the hose.

Air tends to produce some nasty to breath compounds at that temperature, you'd need to wear a respirator to use it!

Fan whips out own pair of iPhone 32Cs, 'unlocks' mobe using breasticle

Re: *holes

"I wonder if they have tried using their arseholes yet"

Well, I have heard that it will work if you use your elbow, and everybody knows at least one 'winner' that can't tell their elbow from their... :)

Radiation snatched from leaky microwave ovens to power gadgets

Re: Feeling mischievous?

In case anyone else wants to point and laugh:

http://metro.co.uk/2013/09/23/ios-7-doesnt-make-your-phone-waterproof-but-that-doesnt-stop-people-from-trying-4088922/

Re: Rectenna?

Wrecked it? Damn near killed it! >Badum-tish<

Question

If it's using energy in the same range as wifi, wouldn't it also be tapping wifi for energy as well?

Might be useful as a sneaky way to snoop for wifi's presence.

Microsoft SLASHES rewards for biz selling its kit to 100 'big fish'

Charging more SPLAs and paying the people that sell them less?

Sounds like a certain company thinks it has figured out how to cover its losses in the tablet market.

Greece ends extra hols for civil servants forced to use hated computers

Re: crooks

"Money is like energy, however, it doesn't disappear"

Um actually, it does, because most of it doesn't actually exist!

To simplify it to a ludicrous level, Two dollars, two people, one business, loaning money at one third interest.

Person A lends both Dollars to B. Now there's actually FOUR dollars and 67 cents present, the original two, plus the two B now owes A, that is in 'circulation' and 67 cents interest. Then B loans the money to A, and back and forth it goes.

As long as B and A keep loaning money to each other, there's more and more money in circulation, more and more interest accruing, Bang! Next thing you know, A and B are Millionaires!

They can keep this up forever, as long as both stay in debt, only repaying the loans with money in circulation, unless... something happens and one of them defaults.

Then suddenly the money in circulation suddenly 'collapses', the millions are gone, and all that can be salvaged is... two dollars.

All the money that was 'created by commerce' has vanished like... it never actually was. Odd that...

Java updates too much of a bother? Maybe online banking's just not for you

Re: Honing?

"To hone in on something - ???? Gah!!!"

Right boys, here's where we'll put the bleeding edge!

'Occupy' affiliate claims Intel bakes SECRET 3G radio into vPro CPUs

Re: From the linked article

"cut the blue wire."

Whoa, whoa, WHOA! Cut the red wire first, or you'll set off the bomb!

Microsoft: Surface a failure? No, it made us STRONGER

"If your at the bottom they are assuming the only way is up. Well, no. You could easily stay there."*

Not in this case.

After all, Ballmer just announced the cunning plan to get them out of the hole they dug: "Keep digging!"

*Tsk, your-you're... there is a difference, folks!

Ex-BT boss bags £9 MILLION bye-bye bundle, moves to key gov post

Re: Good man.

"He deserves every penny."

Good, good, let the cynicism fill you with its power.

Welcome to the Snark side of the Force!

Latest Snowden reveal: It was GCHQ that hacked Belgian telco giant

Tch

All this bantering about of... that word.

What would Douglas Adams say?

(It was either rant about the continuing erosion of rights and trust by the "Five Eyes", or attempt to inject a spot of levity. It's Friday, dammit!)

Mach 8 Scramjet flies but sends no data

Was it's name Tiddles?

Considering that it was launched from a rocket at Mach 8 and failed to ignite, it was more flung than flew, wasn't it?

Oracle revenues miss expectations – AGAIN

Re: Screwing sun..

"Oracle are systematically destroying everything they got from sun, including any good will sun ever built up over the years..."

Yep, Oracle took all the Sun software/hardware in, announced, "Now it's MY way or the highway!", and everybody noticed that the highway went where they wanted to go.

Cloud storage: Is the convenience worth the extra expense?

Worst aspect of the cloud... permanence.

You've got it all set up and running sweet, all the finances are done, and then... You have two weeks to do it all over again:

http://www.information-age.com/technology/cloud-and-virtualisation/123457347/cloud-provider-nirvanix-gives-customers-two-weeks-to-vacate-data

I'll stick with in house, thank you very much!

Oh snap – AWS daddy disses IT's 'old guard': You're so 2000-and-late

Actually...

"It's not cost effective, it's arcane – it's not the way the world is moving."

What is your and your business's security worth?

Arcane: known or understood by very few; mysterious; secret.

Sounds like what the doctor ordered for data storage!

Some people don't like the way the world is currently moving, away from privacy and information security.

(Walks off humming "Ain't Nobody's Business", and meaning it!)

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/h/hank+williams+jr/aint+nobodys+business_21033833.html

Tokyo Apple Store staff rescue iPhone-queueing fanbois from typhoon

Re: Sad commentary on humanity

Nerts, that one got past me.

Can someone at El Reg polish that first 'new' up there?

It was supposed to be shiny.

Sad commentary on humanity

I would say 'iDiots', but there's way too many people in the grip of consumerism, ready to risk life and health for any new new trinket, to single these fanbois out.

Nokia quiz: Do you know what a phablet is?

"I don't understand why Nokia give a flying phuck about anything smartphone related anymore...they've flogged the division on to MS so kind of a moot point for them really"

Well, they flogged off the current phone division to MS, and promised not to start another one for a few years... But then what?

They still own the IP, and with all the deadwood sold off, now's the time to start planning for that day, and maybe the third coming of the Nokia phone will be as good as the first?

City of Munich throws Ubuntu lifeline to Windows XP holdouts

Re: "The idea that rpm and dpkg are anything like as user-friendly as setup.exe is a joke."

"If I had a grandmother, she'd be on Linux."

Just a nitpick here... Why is the view that old people don't get computers so prevalent?

In my family, Grandpa's the Linux freak!

Want to sit in Picard's chair while spying on THE WORLD? We can make it so – ex-NSA man

Unlike life in popular fiction...

Nobody ever sees him/herself as an evil bad guy.

It's always "I'm the Good Guy, everyone that opposes me is Evil!"

Ah hell, This explains it better than I can:

http://mrmagundi.wordpress.com/2013/01/30/on-goodness-and-niceness/

"‘It’s more important to be good than to be nice’ neatly summarizes the beliefs of Pol Pot, of Robespierre, of nearly every terrorist there ever was; and I’m sure that, translated into Latin, it was the official motto of the Spanish Inquisition. All the misery in the world is caused by people hell-bent on being good at all costs.”

'British Bill Gates' Lynch laments HP's Autonomy 'botch-up'

HP did overpay for Autonomy

The one question I've always wondered about that whole fiasco was, "Who was the Cook?"

In case you're confused, in the novel 'Catch 22', the cook bought eggs at a rather high price, then sold them cheaper. It later was revealed that he was running a con using the camp food budget to buy the eggs... from himself, and then resold the eggs to the camp kitchen for less, again using camp funds.

In the HP/Autonomy deal, who on the HP side benefited from overpaying for Autonomy?

There had to be someone, otherwise there's no way such an apparently bone-headed move would've ever taken place.

Torvalds: 'We're not doing Linux95 … for a few years, at least'

Re: Suicidal Squirrel?

"I'm pretty sure the noble haggis is Scotland's national animal"

And it is a cute lil rascal too!

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Haggis_scoticus.jpg

(Note: the word 'gullible' is not to be confused with "tongue in cheek")

Microsoft announces iPad amnesty for fanbois

Re: LOL

"Apple should launch a counter-scheme, and offer $50 for your Surface RT, deadpan."

Or, if Apple's feeling really snarky, 50 cents! (And publicise how many people took the offer.)

Windows 8.1: Microsoft's reluctant upgrade has a split-screen personality

Re: "it has done so through gritted teeth"

I found this review of Windows 8 enlightening:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTYet-qf1jo

Flying in the US? Remember to leave your hand grenades at home

Re: "Dual Purpose Grenades"

Obviously, you can either use them to blows things up, or knock things down.

Corel re-animates zombie brand for patent case

Re: Strange tactics

"Why would they start by attacking someone who obviously has more than enough money to fight back?"

Think of it as advertising for an auction:

"See how annoy... er, versatile these can be? And for less than the cost of litigation, these can all be yours if you buy us now!"