* Posts by Inventor of the Marmite Laser

1300 publicly visible posts • joined 16 Jun 2011

Microsoft solicits Clippy comeback – later reveals it had already decided to bring back the peppy paperclip

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Isn't there already a Turd emoticon?

It had to happen: Microsoft's cloudy Windows 365 desktops are due to land next month

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

And falling........

South Korean uni installs lavatory that pays out when you spend a penny

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

How weird is that

Within the last hour and a half, I had my septic tank emptied by a ginormouse tractor towed sucky tanky thing.

Anyway, the main reason for posting is to observe that, post Brexit, the term "spending a penny" is henceforth to be referred to as "Euronating"

So there.

Revealed: Perfect timings for creation of exemplary full English breakfast

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Commander Vimes style?

This?

"They don't go in for the fancy or exotic, but stick to conventional food like flightless bird embryos, minced organs in intestine skins, slices of hog flesh and burnt ground grass seeds dipped in animal fats; or, as it is known in their patois, egg, sausage, bacon and a fried slice of toast."

Terry Pratchett, Mort

Criminals prefer to WFH too: Singapore infosec agency says 43% of all crimes in the city-state happened online in 2020

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Saw a bloke the other day trying to break into a house. Turned out he really was a burglar but did actually live there. He was working from home because of Covid

Boffins decide what world really needs is indestructible robot cockroaches

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

I, for one, welcome our robotic cockroach overlords

Audacity users stick the knife – and fork – in to strip audio editor of unwanted features

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Audacifork?

Not for children: Audacity fans drop the f-bomb after privacy agreement changes

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Audacifork?

Things that needn't be said: Don't plonk a massive Starlink dish on the hood of your car

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

IBM's 18-month company-wide email system migration has been a disaster, sources say

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

"are leveraging a variety"

FFS what's wrong with "using" or "trying"?

Scientists identify sleep-like slow waves as responsible for daydreaming and... sorry, what were we talking about again?

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

"applications leveraging brain-machine interfaces"

It's USING brain-machine interfaces.

Pretentious twirp.

'Google is present at almost all levels of the supply chain' for online ads: It's time for a competition probe, says EU

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Not all bad

"Step 2: Drop a MOAB on Mountain View"

Why should YOU have all the fun

Mayflower, the AI ship sent to sail from the UK to the US with no humans, made it three days before breaking down

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Hey Canon. I got a perfect candidate for your office:

THIS

Roger Waters tells Facebook CEO to Zuck off after 'huge' song rights request

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

I'd give it a go

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Worth ?

You'd have to elbow your way to the front of the queue.

Today I shall explain how dual monitors work using the medium of interpretive dance

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Laptop + Monitor = two computers?

No it ain't.

I did hear a tale once (and if I can find it again I'll post a link) of a luser with a posh, expensive computer getting a new modem card (it was a while back) as his old one was knackered/obsolete/ not supported or something.

"It will take a day or two to arrive and for us to get an engineer to you to fit it." they said.

"What should I do with the old modem?" he asked.

"Chuck it" they said.

Modem arrived with a nice engineer to fit it.

"Where's the computer?" he asked.

"On the desk." Said the customer.

"That's the monitor" said the engineer. "Where's the (very expensive) computer box?"

"Oh, the old modem?" Says the luser. "I chucked it like you said."

.

Help wanted, work from anywhere ... except if you're located in Colorado

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

As a global company that hires across all 50 states and in multiple countries, we decided to put a short pause on posting jobs in Colorado as we assessed the how we could get round the new law and pay some people a shed load less than others.

TFTFY

UK data regulator fines American Express up to 0.021p per email after opted-out folk spammed 4.1 million times

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Given that the company ignored complaints and then argued black was white that they weren't in the wrong, suggests the regulators response is a clear example of them getting it wrong and now facing the reputational consequences of that error.

Audacity's new management hits rewind on telemetry plans following community outrage

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Probably not go back

From https://www.reaper.fm/

"You can evaluate REAPER in full for 60 days. A REAPER license is affordably priced and DRM-free."

Although I do note our erstwhile commentard above suggests this is an honesty option.

Train operator phlunks phishing test by teasing employees with non-existent COVID bonus

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge
Facepalm

Boot, other phoot

I was working for a large multinational, who should have REALLY known better.

An email circular arrived, completely unannounced, from an outside company.

The email was poorly written and stated that said company was looking after licence information for anyone driving a car on company business. We were asked to complete a form (downloaded from a URL that didn't seem to be applicable to either my employer nor this outside company) and send send a scan of my licence to a URL that was again apparently nothing to do with my employer nor this outside company's.

In short, ALL the hallmarks of a phishing scam.

I flagged the issue with HR, asking if the email was genuine - it was - and pointing out the glaring issues.

A year came and went and it was time for another round of driver verification.

EXACTLY the same happened.

They never learn, yet this was a billion pound international company.

Vietnam’s biggest industrial conglomerate quits smartphones and TV biz, bets on electric cars

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge
Coat

They should have had at least one go at ICE - specifically diesel - cars.

They could have called it........

VinDiesel

Coat please.

Facebook: Nice iOS app of ours you have there, would be a shame if you had to pay for it

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Let's make a list of all the advantages of personalised bovine excrement:

Telling me where I can buy more of something I've just bought? Nope.

Telling me about suppliers I have used? Nope.

Telling me about stuff I have already looked like and decided not to buy? Nope.

Telling me about stuff a bit like any of the above but not actually like any of them at all? Nope.

Telling me what other people bought after buying what I just looked at? Nope.

Telling me whats "Trending"? Nope

Telling me that People in (close geographical location) are going mad for (dumb item or product that is so shit it can't sell on its own merit)? Nope.

It goes on and on.

Personalised ads are an utter irrelevance. I repeat: an utter irrelevance.

Dear Zuck

Piss off and die.

Yours with extreme prejudice.

Vodafone building world-girdling hybrid analytics apps capable of slurping 50 terabytes a day

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

“more quickly offer its customers new, personalised products and services across multiple markets.”

Bollocks, pure and simple. You don't need umpteen twaddlebytes of data to mindlessly spew meaningless and irrelevant "personalised" advertising.

Let's make a list of all the advantages of personalised bovine excrement:

Telling me where I can buy more of something I've just bought? Nope.

Telling me about suppliers I have used? Nope.

Telling me about stuff I have already looked like and decided not to buy? Nope.

Telling me about stuff a bit like any of the above but not actually like any of them at all? Nope.

Telling me what other people bought after buying what I just looked at? Nope.

Telling me whats "Trending"? Nope

Telling me that People in (close geographical location) are going mad for (dumb item or product that is so shit it can't sell on its own merit)? Nope.

It goes on and on.

Personalised ads are an utter irrelevance. I repeat: an utter irrelevance.

Dear Vodafone

Piss off and die.

Yours with extreme prejudice.

Bank of England ponders minting 'Britcoin' to sit alongside the Pound

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: which Queen's Corgi shall be represented

And obviously mining for it will be termed 'dogging'

We need to talk about criminal adversaries who want you to eat undercooked onion rings

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: We've contacted Corosi for comment.

I bet you use "leverage" as a verb as well.

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

I rarely buy bread these days. Almost all breaded delight is courtesy on a Panasonic bread maker. It is our 4th machine, I think, replacing the last if a succession of cheapo machines that were simply worn out over many years of use.

Can't beat a semi-impromptu lunchtime snack that is half a small loaf of still-warm bread, butter (definitely NOT Marge or spread) and some good, smelly cheese. And a pint.

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

I do! I have a very elderly Tefal Actifry, inherited from my mum many years ago. It makes a fair fist of potato wedges and roasted spuds, using next to no oil or fat. If it does finally fail irreparably, I am pretty sure there will be a move by The Management to replace it with a current model equivalent- but definitely not a smart one.

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Can we please have an agreed term for things that are not smart? Whilst "Non-Smart" seems appropriate, it doesn't lend itself to a clear acronym, I prefer "TAS" as the descriptive acronym. "TAS" standing, of course, for "Thick as Shit".

Fridges... in... Spaaaaaaace: Engineers book ride on the Vomit Comet to test astro-refrigerator

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Fridges in Space

I think he was trying to give Piers Morgan the cold shoulder.

Prince Philip, inadvertent father of the Computer Misuse Act, dies aged 99

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: forthright with outspoken opinions

We're he still with us I'm quite sure he would reciprocate the sentiment.

Perhaps more eloquently.

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: No TV

That idea just sucks

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Wouldn't it be lovely

To have a full program devoted to HRH being a real bloke, instead of a "royal"?

It'd need to be complete with ALL the quotes, either as recorded (if available) or suitably voiced, from the one in the article ("it's my wife's effin' water...." to "just take the effin' photo") and all stops in between.

He had a LIFE, so let's CELEBRATE it!

Airline software super-bug: Flight loads miscalculated because women using 'Miss' were treated as children

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge
Coat

A manifest error

Post Office awards Fujitsu a £42.5m contract extension for the IT system behind wrongful subpostmaster prosecutions

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Theres a good few high ups and previous high ups in the PO who really, really deserve jail time.

It's wild the lengths Facebook engineers will go to find new ways to show you inane ads about tat: This time, AR...

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

So it's a smart watch then? I bet I'll still need two hands to tell the time

BOFH: 7 jars of Marmite, a laptop and a good time

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Marmite jokes. You either love them or hate them.

I love them

1Password has none, KeePass has none... So why are there seven embedded trackers in the LastPass Android app?

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

No, no, no.

In that order

Robots that take out your garbage? Oh What A Feeling, says Toyota as it opens its very own smart city

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Robots to take out the trash?

Bollocks. I claim Prior Art

The self ermptying bin had been the subject of discussion no less than 50 - that's FIFTY - years ago, by a select group of clientele convened on a table on the far left in the public bar at the Prince's Arms, Boxmoor, Herts (now sadly long gone).

We had pretty much finished the based design which included, if memory serves me right, a pair of suitably stout gateposts and a quantity of tractor inner tubes.

Not only would the trash be 'taken out' but would be, given a suitably aligned front path, deposited in the general vicinity of the council's refuse depot.

The last I heard was that work was progressing on

a) improving accuracy

b) returning the emptied bin to its home address after any repairs had been completed and

c) minimising collateral damage either through better accuracy or suitable reinforcement of windows in the ballistic flight path.

The wastepaper basket is on the other side of the office – that must be why they put all these slots in the computer

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

the intellectual fortress of stupidity

Love it

Pizza and beer night out the window, hours trying to sort issue, then a fresh pair of eyes says 'See, the problem is...'

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: ~/.procmailrc

And there are people out there who WILL believe you.

What can the 1944 OSS manual teach us before we all return to sabotage the office?

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: That list!

You. Me. And just about anybody in an organisation with more than one person.

No amount of Glasgow handshaking will revive this borked kiosk

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge
Coffee/keyboard

Re: At least this Glaswegian kiosk is bang up to date on the operating system

"using a Howitzer while hunting grouse"

Tickled my sense of humour for some reason, hence ------>

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Hey!

It'll only run out slowly through the quayhole

BOFH: Time for the MMOCC. You know, the Massively Moronic Online Christmas Call

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

And so

My Christmas is now complete.

Thank you El Reg for your timely gift.

Hong Kong's Hutchison Group, which runs mobile carrier ‘3’, protests as USA puts it on new China ban list

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Dear World. I'm sorry.

Just when you think you have made something idiot proof, the world shrugs its shoulders and sends along a better idiot

UK firm NOW: Pensions tells some customers a 'service partner' leaked their data all over 'public software forum'

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Now pensions - Christmas punnage

I'm all for kicking them in the baubles

Cats: Not a fan favourite when the critters are draped around an office packed with tech

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Slugs don't have fur

Bloody predictive text.

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Slugs don't have fur

Was asked once to look at a relative's fridge, which appeared to have given up the ghost. Investigation turned into stripdown. The thermostat gubbins is s bit if electrickery on a PCB sat underneath the top of the fridge, adorned with pitted trackwork and the remains of a partially copper plated slug*

New fridge time.

*No, the garden pest, not Trump, but I like your train of thought.

About $15m in advertising booked to appear on millions of smart TVs was never seen by anyone, says Oracle

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Naughty step

Agreed but for one thing. From where does that money ultimately come? Yes, the companies buying the as space but from where does their advertising budget come?

US aviation regulator issues safety bulletins over flaws in software updates for Boeing 747, 777, 787 airliners

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: The largest FOD I've read about

Did they take steps to correct the issue?