Posts by ukgnome

What do you call megabucks Microsoft? No really, it's not a joke. El Reg needs you

Ian Patch

Dead Horse Sales

acquisitions incorporated

Stolen Property

India says 'Zoom is a not a safe platform' and bans government users

I hear a lot about how Zoom isn't safe and wonder what other governments use this service?

How long before a serious breach?

BOFH: Here he comes, all wide-eyed with the boundless optimism of youth. He is me, 30 years ago... what to do?

I can relate to this

I have just had an admin drone ask what he needs to do to get into IT - he thinks it will be the path to untold riches.

The only thing I could think of was to ask him if he wanted to become an alcoholic.

Facebook, distributor of deceptive political ads, sues registrar Namecheap over deceptive domain names

More pussy, less arse!

Can anyone remember when social media was just that - social.

All the social media sites have now become billboards.

It would be great to just see pictures of Amy's cat (not a euphemism)

And it would be brilliant to not have dumb donkey videos fake or otherwise.

Come on baby light me on fire: McDonald's to sell 'Quarter Pounder' scented candles

As the world around us either drowns or burns we take no notice because it is much more important making your house stink of hamburgers.

Life in plastic, with a classic: Polymer £20 notes released into wild sporting Turner art

Waiting for the gammon to spout

They are an absolute bugger to wipe your arse on - give me a proper British paper note any day and not one of these foreign feeling wipe clean efforts.

Google product boss cuffed on suspicion of murder after his Microsoft manager wife goes missing, woman's body found, during Hawaii trip

Re: Sad yes, but is this really pat of El Reg's core mission?

You're maybe haven't been here long.

There is a reason the top of the page is red.

And, yes this is newsworthy, yes it is related to tech companies. It might not be a story about the latest windows vulnerability (bad choice of words, my bad) but that doesn't mean it should be on here. Are you only after the stories that are less human?

Researchers trick Tesla into massively breaking the speed limit by sticking a 2-inch piece of electrical tape on a sign

Well that explains the road signs in rural Norfolk

ha, just kidding, they don't have any road signs in rural Norfolk

Assange lawyer: Trump offered WikiLeaker a pardon in exchange for denying Russia hacked Democrats' email

I am not an Assange fan

But, I am pleased he won't dance to Trump's fiddle.

It's a Bing thing: Microsoft drops plans to shove unloved search engine down throats of unsuspecting enterprises

What the flop

Didn't read the article as the headline triggered me.

Why mention the bunny at all.

Super-leaker Snowden punts free PDF* of tell-all NSA book with censored parts about China restored, underlined

Amateur

I have this book but became paranoid so scanned the text and then converted it to binary, haven't read it all yet - currently on page 01100101 01110000 01110011 01110100 01100101 01101001 01101110 00100000 01100100 01101001 01100100 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01101011 01101001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01101000 01101001 01101101 01110011 01100101 01101100 01100110

The Foot of Cupid emits final burst of flatulence in honour of fallen Python Terry Jones

All these comments and not one mentioning Starship Titanic

Beware the trainee with time on his hands and an Acorn manual on his desk

Ahhh happy days - I am a fellow product of a YTS from the Grimsby ITEC

Royal Navy seeks missile-moving robots for dockyard drudgery

What it needs is a Silo Helping Integrated Track and Task Expanding Robot

Full of beans? Sadly not as fellow cracks open tin at dinner to find just one

This is the sort of thing that would make Barry Kirk shudder

Who is Barry Kirk? He is the secret identity of an earth bound half baked super hero.

I couldn't possibly tell you the computer's ID over the phone, I've been on A Course™

I wish my users protected data like this efficient PA

If the IT department had a decent asset list this wouldn't happen - I guess Mike feels that admin isn't part of his job.

All he had to say to the PA is - could you call me back on the IT number.

Seriously it's people like Mike that give HellDesks a bad name

Pokémon Red and Blue-era trading cards just made their owner a load of green: Complete set sells at auction for $107k

I am surprised Team Rocket didn't try a half arsed attempt at stealing these before they went to market.

BOFH: Oh, go on, let's flush all that legacy tech down the toilet

Ahhhh This sounds like the implementation of the new HR system, just with less shit.

Braking bad? Van with £112m worth of crystal meth in back hits cop car at police station

Shirley this is more DeliverRoo

Bonkers British MPs rant: 5G signals cause cancer

It's all bullshit - We have had 2G and 3G for a while - together that is 5G and it's only a problem now. - it makes no sense

IT pro screwed out of unused vacation pay, bonus by HPE after judge rules: The law is a mess but it's still the law

HP are run by Vogons

Gonna be so cool when we finally get into space, float among the stars, work out every day, inject testosterone...

How long before screenplay writers use this as a sci-fi trope

And NO, Doom doesn't count.

Introducing 'freedom gas' – a bit like the 2003 deep-fried potato variety, only even worse for you

In other news - Sunlight should now be referred to as Freedom Photons

*not my words, credit goes to th3j35t3r

Egg on North Face: Wikipedia furious after glamp-wear giant swaps article pics for sneaky ad shots – and even brags about it in a video

So wikipedia don't like it when you don't play by the rules?

Tell that to the selfie taking monkey.

Ofcom to Openreach: Thou shalt prise open thy network for firms targeting biz customers

So nice to see....

.....that BT will finally be able to use the cable ducts that Virgin use.

I mean that's how it will work right? You use ours we use yours?

If poking about Doctor Who's TARDIS in VR sounds like fun to you, better luck next time

Sounds more like Dr No!

Wine? No, posh noshery in high spirits despite giving away £4,500 bottle of Bordeaux

Re: Wine is wine

@M. Poolman

Speaking as an ex-bar manager that has been on extensive courses for this sort of thing, nope. The average person couldn't tell the difference. And some sommeliers would have issues too.

The price on a bottle doesn't reflect the quality of the product (which is wholly subjective anyway)

Veteran vulture Andrew Orlowski is offski after 19 years at The Register

You might of caused a few comment storms (when we was allowed to comment on your articles)

You might even be missed, then again us IT lot are not renowned for our throwing arms.

But above all else you will never dance to this kind of tune

Now get out!

Julian Assange jailed for 50 weeks over Ecuador embassy bail-jumping

Place your bets

That Ol Stinky will continue the trend of excrement smearing just to lengthen his sentence

Huawei, Huawei. Huawei, Huawei. Feeling hot, hot, hot: US threatens to cut UK from intel sharing over Chinese tech giant

So basically the USA want the spying rights?

BOFH: It's not just an awesome app, it'll look great on my Insta. . a. a. AAAARRRRRGGH

Gotta Feel sorry for the Dev

They are only as good as......ah who am I kidding - developers need a swift kick every now and then

Gather round, friends. Listen close. It's time to list the five biggest lies about 5G

It also won't microwave birds or ready meals, it won't cause cancer and it won't bring about the end of days.

Parents slapped with dress code after turning school grounds into a fashion crime scene

I tend to wear a RHLSTP t-shirt, then again I am one of the cool kids

UK watchdog slaps 'misleading' Voda ad: Gigafast... maybe so – but not for £23

How can broadband providers keep falling into the speed trap - what a bunch of giga-plonkers

iOS 13 leaks suggest Apple is finally about to unleash the iPad as a computer for grownups

except it has mouse support - so does the iPhone

it's finding a mouse that will work that's the issue.

bluetooth is Ok but it's battery sucking

wired works if you have the correct arsenal of cable adapters

Starz, meet the Streisand Effect. Cable telly giant apologizes for demented DMCA Twitter takedown spree

ugh

As a podcaster that pushes out our live stream through youtube I am all to familiar with takedowns.

It's worse when the robots decide I have infringed.

The actual process of getting a design reversed is a proper ball ache.

The way the system works is guilty until proved otherwise.

It is a joke at best and a proper jack booted at worst.

UK pr0n viewers plan to circumvent smut-block measures – survey

I am support the youth.

I have already started to prepare by saving as much as I can to USB drives that I can leave under hedgerows and in bushes.

*Paris because.... well obvs init

Brit Parliament online orifice overwhelmed by Brexit bashers

Jeebus Cripes

Does this mean we will win Eurovision?

It's almost as if people are panicking about the governments ability to deliver

'It's full of beer!' Miracle fridge reveals itself to pals tuckered out from cleaning flooded cabin

Let this sink in

Fortunately, we don't need to wait for a magic fridge – we have beer and cider on tap for free at our shared workspace, allowing us to mostly dodge the exorbitant London prices.

What made a super high-tech home in Victorian England? Hydroelectric witchery, for starters

Any article that mentions the Great Grimsby Dock Tower is always going to be worth a read.

Whilst I miss my old home town I also don't.

Mayors having a right 'mare in Florida: Acting mayor arrested weeks after boss also arrested

Nothing to see here

I mean who hasn't got a bit carried away with things.

Tim Apple. Larry Oracle. Ginni Layoffs: It works so why the heck not?

It's obvious that Trump has stolen this from Richard Herring, but the silly cheeto gammon doesn't understand this only works with Ian's

Prodigy dancer and vocalist Keith Flint found dead aged 49

This sucks

Need a 1TB microSD for your smartmobe? Come April, you can free up storage space in your wallet and buy one

Now you can lose all you data in one easy to swallow wafer.

Pokemon No! Good news: You can now ban the virtual pests, er, pets to stop nerds wandering around your property

Re: Muppet

Which well organised militia do you belong to?

Visited the Grand Canyon since 2000? You'll have great photos – and maybe a teensy bit of unwanted radiation

is it only me?

Is it only me that read that and thought - I wonder what the ore tastes of?

'Occult' text from Buffy The Vampire Slayer ep actually just story about new bus lane in Dublin

Whilst Dublin is one of the friendliest places to have a traffic incident it is also one of the places in which your cursed uttering will raise a demon, such is the language that you will use.

US man and Brit teen convict indicted over school bomb threat spree

Why do they always give themselves such kitsch names

If I was to form a collective of internet mischief makers i would call it

The Bastard Squad

or

Team WankForce

National Enquirer's big Pecker tried to shaft me – but I wouldn't give him an inch, says Jeff Bezos after dick pic leak threat

I wonder which service hosts the national enquirer.......oh

*courtesy of @ryanhuber