* Posts by ukgnome

2085 publicly visible posts • joined 16 Jun 2011

BOFH: So you want more boardroom tech that no one knows how to use


Laminate everything

I did training on using our screens

I did further training on using our screens

I did a 2 min video on using our screens

I did a laminate on our screens and that finally worked

Fujitsu finance chief says sorry for IT giant's role in Post Office Horizon scandal


Stop hitting yourself

Stop hitting yourself

stop hitting yourself

so sorry but you keep hitting yourself

stop hitting yourself

seems sorry isn't really enough is it

Threads versus Twitter: Shouldn't we be happy the wheels are falling off antisocial social media?


Currently there are no adverts on Threads - How the hell am I gonna get scammed now?

The number’s up for 999. And 911. And 000. And 111


Will 0118 999 881 99 9119 725 3 still work?

California man jailed after manure-to-methane scheme revealed as bull


Surely you mean Hay

BOFH: We send a user to visit Kelvin – Keeper of the Batteries


When I was a PFY I first worked at the stationery store for a well know frozen foods and biscuit manufacturer - if you didn't fill an RF form you went to the back of the queue and then was generally messed about. Good times

Is Neuralink ready for human brain implants? Allegedly so


Unless they can make it exactly like MACH1 then it's a no from me.

BOFH: I care a lot ... about onion bhajis


You can't say annnythin....henythin....stuff these days

Lockheed Martin demos 50kW anti-aircraft frickin' laser beam


Unless they plan to mount these lasers on a shark I am not interested

Just $10 to create an AI chatbot of a dead loved one


I love this idea

Should Mrs Gnome shift off this mortal coild I can rejoice in receiving the occasional w anchor text long in to the future

Artist formerly known as Kanye reveals Parler trick: Buying the far-right haven


Super Secure though

I mean quite a few reports on twitter showing that Parler group mailed some of its users but didn't BCC.

Not a great starting point, but then again free speech init

Water pipes hold flood of untapped electricity potential


Great Scott

That's enough energy to take you back to the future

BOFH: Selling the boss on a crypto startup


it depends if you like the 14c or the 15c and if you care for classical correction.

The Wight stuff: Marconi and the island, when working remotely on wireless comms meant something very different


How strange - I have been reading up on the Marconi Beam stations - a fascinating technology that I had no idea existed.

NASA’s getting really good at this flying a helicopter on Mars thing


NASA flies drones much better than I do - althought I doubt they have to contend with trees

Pentagon confirms footage of three strange craft taken by the Navy are UFOs (no, that doesn't mean they're aliens)


Clearly a flock of seagulls

A flock of alien seagulls that is.

UK on track to miss even its slashed full-fibre gigabit coverage goals, warn MPs


Re: GigaClear

In some cases they can run the fibre up the pole and deliver that way.

Magic! If you have an entry-level iPad, the Combo Touch could make it your workhorse


Matthew - you have beautiful nails - that is your hand in the picture right?

Cornish drinkers catch a different kind of buzz as pub installs electric fence at bar



Bar Operator From Hell

As a former licensee turned IT bod I approve

What do you call megabucks Microsoft? No really, it's not a joke. El Reg needs you


Ian Patch

Dead Horse Sales

acquisitions incorporated

Stolen Property

India says 'Zoom is a not a safe platform' and bans government users


I hear a lot about how Zoom isn't safe and wonder what other governments use this service?

How long before a serious breach?

BOFH: Here he comes, all wide-eyed with the boundless optimism of youth. He is me, 30 years ago... what to do?


I can relate to this

I have just had an admin drone ask what he needs to do to get into IT - he thinks it will be the path to untold riches.

The only thing I could think of was to ask him if he wanted to become an alcoholic.

Facebook, distributor of deceptive political ads, sues registrar Namecheap over deceptive domain names


More pussy, less arse!

Can anyone remember when social media was just that - social.

All the social media sites have now become billboards.

It would be great to just see pictures of Amy's cat (not a euphemism)

And it would be brilliant to not have dumb donkey videos fake or otherwise.

Come on baby light me on fire: McDonald's to sell 'Quarter Pounder' scented candles


As the world around us either drowns or burns we take no notice because it is much more important making your house stink of hamburgers.

Life in plastic, with a classic: Polymer £20 notes released into wild sporting Turner art


Waiting for the gammon to spout

They are an absolute bugger to wipe your arse on - give me a proper British paper note any day and not one of these foreign feeling wipe clean efforts.

Google product boss cuffed on suspicion of murder after his Microsoft manager wife goes missing, woman's body found, during Hawaii trip


Re: Sad yes, but is this really pat of El Reg's core mission?

You're maybe haven't been here long.

There is a reason the top of the page is red.

And, yes this is newsworthy, yes it is related to tech companies. It might not be a story about the latest windows vulnerability (bad choice of words, my bad) but that doesn't mean it should be on here. Are you only after the stories that are less human?

Researchers trick Tesla into massively breaking the speed limit by sticking a 2-inch piece of electrical tape on a sign


Well that explains the road signs in rural Norfolk

ha, just kidding, they don't have any road signs in rural Norfolk

Assange lawyer: Trump offered WikiLeaker a pardon in exchange for denying Russia hacked Democrats' email


I am not an Assange fan

But, I am pleased he won't dance to Trump's fiddle.

It's a Bing thing: Microsoft drops plans to shove unloved search engine down throats of unsuspecting enterprises


What the flop

Didn't read the article as the headline triggered me.

Why mention the bunny at all.

Super-leaker Snowden punts free PDF* of tell-all NSA book with censored parts about China restored, underlined



I have this book but became paranoid so scanned the text and then converted it to binary, haven't read it all yet - currently on page 01100101 01110000 01110011 01110100 01100101 01101001 01101110 00100000 01100100 01101001 01100100 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01101011 01101001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01101000 01101001 01101101 01110011 01100101 01101100 01100110

The Foot of Cupid emits final burst of flatulence in honour of fallen Python Terry Jones


All these comments and not one mentioning Starship Titanic

Beware the trainee with time on his hands and an Acorn manual on his desk


Ahhh happy days - I am a fellow product of a YTS from the Grimsby ITEC

Royal Navy seeks missile-moving robots for dockyard drudgery


What it needs is a Silo Helping Integrated Track and Task Expanding Robot

Full of beans? Sadly not as fellow cracks open tin at dinner to find just one


This is the sort of thing that would make Barry Kirk shudder

Who is Barry Kirk? He is the secret identity of an earth bound half baked super hero.

I couldn't possibly tell you the computer's ID over the phone, I've been on A Course™


I wish my users protected data like this efficient PA

If the IT department had a decent asset list this wouldn't happen - I guess Mike feels that admin isn't part of his job.

All he had to say to the PA is - could you call me back on the IT number.

Seriously it's people like Mike that give HellDesks a bad name

Pokémon Red and Blue-era trading cards just made their owner a load of green: Complete set sells at auction for $107k


I am surprised Team Rocket didn't try a half arsed attempt at stealing these before they went to market.

BOFH: Oh, go on, let's flush all that legacy tech down the toilet


Ahhhh This sounds like the implementation of the new HR system, just with less shit.

Braking bad? Van with £112m worth of crystal meth in back hits cop car at police station


Shirley this is more DeliverRoo

Bonkers British MPs rant: 5G signals cause cancer


It's all bullshit - We have had 2G and 3G for a while - together that is 5G and it's only a problem now. - it makes no sense

IT pro screwed out of unused vacation pay, bonus by HPE after judge rules: The law is a mess but it's still the law


HP are run by Vogons

Gonna be so cool when we finally get into space, float among the stars, work out every day, inject testosterone...


How long before screenplay writers use this as a sci-fi trope

And NO, Doom doesn't count.

Introducing 'freedom gas' – a bit like the 2003 deep-fried potato variety, only even worse for you


In other news - Sunlight should now be referred to as Freedom Photons

*not my words, credit goes to th3j35t3r

Egg on North Face: Wikipedia furious after glamp-wear giant swaps article pics for sneaky ad shots – and even brags about it in a video


So wikipedia don't like it when you don't play by the rules?

Tell that to the selfie taking monkey.

Ofcom to Openreach: Thou shalt prise open thy network for firms targeting biz customers


So nice to see....

.....that BT will finally be able to use the cable ducts that Virgin use.

I mean that's how it will work right? You use ours we use yours?

If poking about Doctor Who's TARDIS in VR sounds like fun to you, better luck next time


Sounds more like Dr No!

Wine? No, posh noshery in high spirits despite giving away £4,500 bottle of Bordeaux


Re: Wine is wine

@M. Poolman

Speaking as an ex-bar manager that has been on extensive courses for this sort of thing, nope. The average person couldn't tell the difference. And some sommeliers would have issues too.

The price on a bottle doesn't reflect the quality of the product (which is wholly subjective anyway)

Veteran vulture Andrew Orlowski is offski after 19 years at The Register


You might of caused a few comment storms (when we was allowed to comment on your articles)

You might even be missed, then again us IT lot are not renowned for our throwing arms.

But above all else you will never dance to this kind of tune

Now get out!

Julian Assange jailed for 50 weeks over Ecuador embassy bail-jumping


Place your bets

That Ol Stinky will continue the trend of excrement smearing just to lengthen his sentence

Huawei, Huawei. Huawei, Huawei. Feeling hot, hot, hot: US threatens to cut UK from intel sharing over Chinese tech giant


So basically the USA want the spying rights?

BOFH: It's not just an awesome app, it'll look great on my Insta. . a. a. AAAARRRRRGGH


Gotta Feel sorry for the Dev

They are only as good as......ah who am I kidding - developers need a swift kick every now and then