Posts by Master Baker 122 publicly visible posts • joined 8 Jun 2007
would require a new input/output device surely?
I would suggest an adventurous ladies arse. In, out, shake it all about. You'd be productive and have fun at the same time.
It would be that one step closer towards that HR Giger human-computer fusion which really is the future. It's not garlic bread. That's not the future. Using a ladies arse to control your desktop and manage your files. Now that's the future.
TFI Friday.
This is actually quite a serious leak. Don't forget that whatever the views of these people they are just that - normal people. Having a political view is not a crime - and to all those who cry 'racists! racists! Hang the racists!' have you actually taken time to look at BNP policy. I make a point of looking at all (well, not the Lib Dems) party policy and only a small proportion [from the BNP] is about race. They do have a bad image granted, but before cries of racism lets have some concrete examples please!
And to everyone jumping on the media bandwagon and labelling all BNP members as racists, don't you think it's a bit stereotypical? It's a bit like saying *all* Muslims are evil and want to blow us up, don't you think?
Ah well, I'm sure the publisher of the list will sleep soundly if anyone on said list actually suffers harm by it. They same point could have been made in so many different ways - publishing a list of the jobs that members have for example. Yet another case of a political agenda shitting on normal people.... bit like the Iraq War (Fuck the people - I wants me oil)
It's the same when Celebs make a living from being in the public eye, then cry (boo-hoo) about privacy. They like to milk the media as long as it suits them.
Girls Aloud come across in all of their media attention as slags. They're not the first group and they won't be the last. They're not exactly classy... they all dress like bicycles and they do twist and pout their fannys onto the lens of the camera. Whereas Posh Spice suffers from facial pout, they do indeed suffer from Fanny Pout (like Lesley Ash - they really do have Trout Pout lol).
If they don't want people to create lurid fantasies about them then perhaps they should rein-in their sluttiness?
I have a fantasy about all the girls. Except the ginger one. She's not as pretty as the rest.
Paris, 'cause she doesn't have to flaunt her Flossy to be special.
A cheaper cream for anal bleaching is, well, bleach. Get some domestos, a wire brush, squat-down in your bathtub and become your rings worst enemy (or best friend - you decide).
Your exit hole was meant for waste duties. It's probably evolved into a shade of brown to cover-up the slops.
With a shiny-white hole you'd be able to spot a dangle-berry at 50 paces, which would put you right off your impending stroke.
That helicopter looks a bit like a naturally-aspirated a*hole.
Alistair Crowley made contact with an Alien entity called LAM whilst scrying during one of his magickal ceremonies. So SETI have got it wrong. Instead of erecting massive antena, perhaps they should built giant scrying (black) mirrors as big as a house?
According to David Icke the Alien lizard-man human farmers are all around us....
HP Lovecraft states that the ancient old-ones (Aliens) are buried deep in the earth (and slumbering at the bottom of the ocean - which we still haven't explored yet).
HP Lovecraft also has a story of the 'thin people' - alien beings who disguise themselves as lamposts and live in tall, thin houses.
SETI has for years ignored these pieces of evidence and thus has found no Alien life.
And now they plan to 'build bigger arrays'. Idiots.
:-)
Everyone who comments blah blah about boy racers... could a boy racer really afford one of these? Making a leccy car sound nice isn't going to affect the boy racer problem at all - for better or for worse, so shut the fuck up ball bags :-)
Personally I'd have it play "ding dong, Avon calling".
I don't think they do.
What is highlighted by this event is that freedom to think and speak/write is being oppressed by people/Nations with no real right to do so.
People are entitled to opinions. That's what freedom is. If the Germans, or anyone else doesn't like it then fuck them. They don't own free will.
People get labelled as racist etc just for airing thoughts. If the chap wants to debate the holocaust then so beit. If I want to debate the negative impact that muslim migration to the UK is having then why can't I??
Because we're forced by 'authorities' and dickheads to tip-toe around these issues. There's no open, honest debate anymore, Political Correctness has seen to that.
The government didn't listen to it's own advisers on Iraq nor the public. It hasn't given us our EU Referrerendum vote either, as they so gleefully promised they would (lying bastards).
Why should 'the next big thing' be any different?
I agree with the poster above @Your Coats. Both sides of this debate are full of people who can only be classed as Spunk Weavils. Myself, I started off as a climate sceptic, then joined the 'climate change is real man' camp, then came-back to being a sceptic when I found the believers to be ever-so-slightly more fanatical than the unbelievers. There is *no* conclusive scientific study which proves it eitherway. Yes making changes to our fuel consumption should be viewed as a good thing, since the less oil we use the less reliant we are on fossil fuels largely controlled by foreign nations.
The government 'studies' are laughable. Of course they're looking after themselves. There wasn't a 'green' industry before the government launched one. The amount of ££ involved in climate change is immense. Now we're going to get taxed on our 'carbon footprint'. Where do all these tax monies go? To MP pensions? To expense claims? To banks?
I'm just sick of it all. The government, this country, climate-huggers, anti-climate-hiuggers, spunk weavils, piss faeries etc. Why can't they all just leave us, the common people, the fuck alone? Don't tell me what to do, or what to think 'cause all that comes out of your mouth is anal juice. Don't scam me fecker. This government has largely succeeded with the largest scam upon the British people ever. In the future it'll be known as the great British 419'er. Perhaps we'll get a national day to commerate the day the government raped its people, or perhaps not. We're still waiting for a St George's Day and for the EU to stop fucking around with our pints of beer.
I got red lettered by these twats so I phoned them up. I made it quite clear that I don't own a tele and don't intend buying one ever, since I have a projector and 6 foot screen for my xbox and dvd player etc. The lady was very nice and updated 'my account'. The best she could do was a 3-month update, which means that in three months I'll start getting letters again. I hate the way that you have to prove that you don't have a tele - it should be the other way around. And they're so aggressive about it too. "If you don't pay up you face a massive fine and buggery in prison by bigger-boys...." They don't give a flying fook if their information is incorrect.
BTW is there anyway to get your name taken off the BBC's TV license database? If you don't own a TV then why should your name remain on there?
Next time I won't respond to the letters at all. I'll wait until they send someone to the door... I'll open it wearing a mankini and I'll do an Alan Partridge on them - sit down, lift both my legs up so they can see my dinner and cry out "search me search me".
Could the power of rats running on wheels be harnessed to power an 'leccy engine? They could be like an alternator - and could also recharge the car completely. Your starter motor could just be cheese on a stick, and food/water could be stacked in time-release containers.
Multiple rat-wheels would form your basis of cylinders. So instead of referring to an engine as '6 cylinders' etc you'd refer to it as 6 rat wheels.
When a rat dies just replace it. There are loads of rats.
The only possible downside that I could see is that one day the 'chosen rat'is captured and put to work in a rat-wheel. Slowly, day by day he builds strength into his little rat-muscles and then his owner offers him freedom via a fight to the death with another rat. He wins, escapes into the landfill site and builds a team of rat-warriors to take-on the evil overload (the car owner).
Apart from that it's a flawless plan.
Paris, because I'd be like a rat up a drainpipe...
Refugees and immigrants can be put to work pulling people-carrying carts. The carts can be made from tree farms - they'd be less road wear, a cart would be cheaper to run/maintain and it would create jobs. The 'drivers' wouldn't give off too much pollution.
Buses could be replaced by larger carts pulled by 6-8 drivers, all lashed together with rope.
Hmmmm, I just might submit that idea to Boris.
I lost a fair bit of ££ on Ebay buying from US sellers. I gave them a couple of months for shipping and when items didn't arrive I tried to follow-up through Ebay support but they didn't want to know. I won't use Ebay again. They're a bunch of c*nts, the lot of them.
The seller sounds like a major dick splash. Sueing someone because you tried to sell them a crap phone in crap condition by listing selective truths? Fuck off you dick splash.
The buyer sounds like a smaller dick splash, maybe a leaky ball sack. His fault for buying a piece of junk, but he is within his rights if said item wasn't advertised correctly.
It's for cases like this that they should still allow duels.
Paris, cause she's a bucket.
Start of another week, 5 days of _work_ to look forward to, though only 4 this week since I've got Halloween off to go to a fancy dress party.
I got so drunk last night that I drew a face on my cock with magic marker pens, made a little (yep, literally 'little'- what? It was cold) video on my N95 and MMS'd it to my friends (and my mum, which was a mistake).
Bio-Shock? Couldn't give a fuck.
The very best of Gods creations (bread and beer) could be combined in a symphony of lucid sin....
Imagine, a pint glass filled with lovely beer (I'm using the collective expression here - lager, ale, cider etc) then inserted into a lovely warm loaf of bread. Hmmmmmm. Imagine that. I'm imagining that right now and I've gone quite stiff, which isn't too great since I have to do a database restore in a moment.
The top of the pint will ever-so-slighty protrude over the top of the bread, allowing you to sup your beer and break-off pieces of luuuuuvely warm bread - possibly dipping them in your beer aswell... Potential issues of keeping your beerccool could be solved via a thermal sleeve.
As a kid I once stuck my winky into a polo mint, which is a bit like the idea here, except it's a pint into a loaf of bread. Funny how old memories catch-up with you at the oddest times.
Ooops- I meant 2/3 in my earlier post, not 3/4. What can I say? The rage just took over.
I went to Le Mans earlier this year and was forced to drink beer from tiny plastic cups at 6 Euro's a pop. It was shit. Still, when in Rome (France)....
I think that forcing pubs to server teenagers 1/3 beer portions in milk bottles is a good idea though. With a neon straw lit-up with the words "can't take my drink" on it or "I'm a little teapot short and stout, I'll have a drink then scream and shout. When I'm sick and covered in muck, I'll phone up mummy and she can pick me up".
I love beer.
Lazy fecking feckers.
3/4 of a pint? I ask you... if you can drink 3/4 of a pint then feck me you can drink a whole pint.
Half-measures were invented for students and feckless cumshedders anyway. If you're not a student then you should drink beer as god intended - from a pint pot filled to the brim.
What next?
"Oh, excuse me barman but I'm a feckless cumshedder and would like 1/8 of a shot of vodka please topped-up with 1/5 coke and 2/6 of ice".
Pint for the gent and a glass of wine for the lady. Them's the rules. And if we didn't have rules where would we be? France....
On the other-hand I think the bread idea is brilliant.
I sent an email to the governments road saftey department asking them for an explanation as to why they associate road safety exclusively with drivers (male and female). Bad lighting and bad road conditions (potholes, dips, shit tarmac'ing) must play a huge role in accidents - yet this 'safety' department does nothing to lobby the government on safety factors which are *outside* of the drivers control. We pay our road tax so why don't we get good roads?? Maybe it's because only 33% of road tax is actually spent on, well, roads? I've asked them to justify this too. They've not responded to either point.
Speed cameras are a crock of shit. Half of them don't contain film (though that is changing with networked cameras that stream footage to a server). The government just wants more revenue. At a time when Mr. Brown (eye) wants to increase the national debt, and indeed when Labour is up to their guts in debt themselves.... they invent statistics to justify their greedy schemes. Winkers. The lot of them.
If they really cared about speeding from a people-impact perspective then they'd give away free GPS boxes to drivers which beep-beep-beep in a really annoying way when you exceed the speed limits in a given area. Mine does this already, though I did have to pay £300 for it. They don't care about the people-impact. They care about the ££. they need to make ££ to feed their fat-army of civil servants and of course to keep John Lewis in business.
I wonder if Mr Brown and his wife have the same property aspirations as the Blairs....
Who the feck do they think they're kidding??
"public support is holding steady". My arse.
Has Ms Smith published the results of the Yoooooooooof ID website yet? Seriously, I'd love to wedgie that women although the effect may be minimal since her arse and her mouth share the same location on her fat head.
They'll collect ID data then sell it to companies and criminals- like the DVLA database. Don't they grab enough of our taxes already without having to sell our data to make ends-meat? Fecking Jizz monkey's.
Everyone I speak to (and that's a lot - I have loads of voices in my head) is dead-against this scheme. Where do the government get their stats from? Happy-land with marshmellow clouds and chocolate parking meters?
This government has gone too far. They should be ousted at the next erection, erm, election and their MPs should be chased out of their golden taxpayer-funded houses by angry unwashed masses bearing pitchforks and trowels. And that ain't the coffee talking.
Ye are bourne of Google, and ye shall return to Google. Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, Google to Google.
You will be assimilated. One way or another.
Does the new Android phone have an accelerator detector in it? Could the Google overloads build up a remote database on how many times you have a tug with the phone in your pocket? That's scary. They could have a Tug database on all the chaps with an Android phone, then use that data to send associated advertisement content to you - like 'last longer' cream, or cream for constipated cocks. Or even advertisements for dating websites, to help you get a real girlfriend.
Who the feck would want to drink a virtual pint, albeit from an iPhone, anyway? What would happen if they virtually drank 12 virtual pints? Would they have a bit of virtual sick, go to a virtual pub, pull a virtual fat bird, have a virtual kebab on the way home, do a virtual drunken sex with aforementioned virtual fat bird before waking up in the (virtual) morning with a case of virtual nob rot and a virtual black eye from the virtual fight you had that you can't remember because your virtual memory is virtually blank?
Then you turn off the iPhone and realise you're still alone. Sat in your bedroom of your parents house, tissues thrown across the floor, legs akimbo and crying.
Hold on, that's a bloody good idea (the first bit). I'm off to writes me an iApp.
Everyone is sounding-off about blokeys not washing their hands - what about women? In some towns women had more shit on their hands than blokes did. Overall both males and females had about the same amount of shit on their hands. So why all the blokey-slating?
On nights out yes you do get blokeys pissing up the alleys but I've also seen woman take a squat next to the nearest car and let rip. With no loo roll it would be impossible for them to dab afterwards, and they would no doubt end up with wet knickers.
So, women are just as dirty as men.
Though some of the videos I've seen would suggest they're a whole lot more filthy......
I'll get me giant tissues...
Back at my old place of work ( going back 10 years now) we had a pakistani worker who used to wipe his arse with his hand. But to be fair to him he did wash afterwards.
Can they be sure that the poo-matter on peoples hands was caused by them not washing their hands after going to the loo? Could it have been picked-up by them coming in contact with an area that used to have shit on it? Like a bus seat or, for the more adventurous, someone else's arse? 'Bowling with Caroline' anyone?
Coat, loo, poo, no wash, out the door...
When I get hot I like to strip-down to my underpants. They should apply the same logic to servers. Yep, just fit them with a massive pair of underpants. Datacentre's with rows and rows of rack-mounted servers, all wearing giant underpants.
If a manufacturer was particulary inventive they could incoporate extra features into the giant underpants - like a slot for your dvd drive, or openings for your hot-swap disks.
It could be the next Apple.
Tube spiders taking to the waterways in tiny speedboats to take-on the watery bastards. They may have claws and armour plating, but the spidi's have little green fangs and a scary posture. The Black Widows could form the Arachnid SEAL battle group - swimming the waterways in tiny divers suits to plant webs on the burrow enterances. These webs would then ensnare the watery fiends so they couldn't move, then the Black Widows would bite them and laugh! Ho ho! Look at you! You crusty twat.
On land the crabs would be out-manouvered by the little spiders. Sideways? Ha! Pathetic! 'Av some fangs you armoured flap jack.
Meanwhile, in the native crayfish labs they have been working on a cure for the plague for some time. But then, in a case of mistaken identity a radioactive Black Widow bites a plague invested native crayfish.... The result? He dies. But then a week later another plague-infested native crayfish is bitten by a radioactive Black Widow and he transforms into a super-native crayfish. Part spider, part crayfish he becomes the ultimate weapon in the fight against the evil crayfish overlords. The glowing spider venom mixes with the plague virus and turns into a lethal crayfish STD. The super-native crayfish (called SpiderFish) now dedicates his life to pimping his ass to evil overlord crayfush - thus killing them with an STD which ironically they.... wait for it.... created themselves! Muh ha ha.
Ah well, back to work. "Have you tried turning it on and off again...."
Paris, 'cause I'll bet she hates crabs too.
The government will soon be using this eight-legged threat to help prop-up their continuing fight for ID cards.
"But people, without ID cards [for spiders] we cannot control eight-legged immigration into this country. British jobs are at stake, how can we control spider trrrrrrrrism.... blah blah"
The government cannot control immigration into this country of human-sized objects - how can this report of insect migration come as a suprise?
Oh-er, my spider sense is tingling.... as the actor said to the cabinet minister...
A number of Islamic countries have accosted the UN to make it illegal for anyone to insult or criticise Islam. Remember the governments 'Religious Hate' law which got overturned by a single vote? Some thing, different country.
They're all a bunch of feckers (hence Paris)
Being a women affects your ability to drive well... by up to 100%...
The amount of times I've been cut-up, had to brake at roundabouts due to tunnel-vision femm's and been stuck behind a little mouse driving at 30 in a national speed limit zone is incredible. Yes I agree that blokey's are usually more aggressive on the roads, but being aggressive is not dangerous in itself. What is dangerous is a women looking in the mirror and playing with her hair at 70mph+ (again, I've been behind multiple women drivers who do this - it wasn't just a one-off).
So the headline should read something like "Being a women worse for drivers than texting, drink or drugs".
I've got my coat and I'm out the door before the backlash can take place.... :-)
It's funny when stories like this emerge - Labour grabbing money from one scheme to fund another, then anouncing to the public that they're pumping 'an extra <insert ££ here> to <insert fund here>'. It's even more incredible that they try to pass it off as 'new money'. Taxes may have gone up sure, but so has the number of civil servants.
When you see stories like this (including the many stories about the NHS scrambling for cash, and the increase in council tax because of central government funding cuts) it makes you wonder WTF do we still, as a nation give hundreds of millions of pounds a year to 'developing countries'... such as India, which is a rapidly growing economy,and is actually taking IT work *away* from our shores (WTF do they need our help?) and Pakistan, which is a country on the verge of collapsing (and proven to harbour the militants that attack our troops in Afganistan - WTF do they deserve our help?).
It's probably an unpopular veiwpoint but why doesn't the government invest taxpayers money into the country? Maybe we'll get called names on the international scene, but it's time to accept that we do have problems in the country,and we're not going to solve those problems by giving away taxpayers cash.
The government should get their coat.... ( I've already got mine).
I would have used a biological wand to get away with it.
I would have injected one part of the two part binary liquid into each of my ball-sacks, and would have placed the detonation materal at the iris of the unblinking serpent.
Then, when sat comfortably upon the plane (whilst in flight), I'd whip my rod-out and start to wank with a fury unseen since Rocky II.
The resultant ejaculation would mix the two liquids and force them up tot he detonation cap, at which point the amount of friction generated by rubbing the cyclopean head (like chalking a snooker cue) would set the whole thing off in a truly explosive orgasm.
Right, must get back to work...
I wonder will the taxpayer end-up paying for MP's when/if this system comes into play? Just another piece of straw ontop of their pile of shiny hay.
The government are such hypocrites. Like when big fat Prezza was in charge of transport and wailed at people to share cars and use more pubic transport (not a spelling error), whilst himself being driven around in 2 petrol-slurping cars, both stocked with ample supplies of pies.
And like smiley, smiley Tony Blair, who accepted a £1million employment deal after leaving office due to his 'intimate knowledge' of the Middle East. And his position of peace envoy to the Middle East!! Who dreamed that up, Monty Pthyon? With all the blood on his hands I really don't know how he can sleep at night.
In the future this government will be known as the Borg.... you will be assimilated...
Paris, because I like her tits.
"that the Act is likely to be applied in a selective and racist fashion – with individuals whose skin is not quite white being far more likely to be asked to justify what is on their bookshelves or hard drive"
Islam is not a race - it's a religion. Therefore applying this law to Muslims is not racist.
It's a fact that most muslims are non-white. And most muslims are terrorists :-)
Some of the governments responses to closed petitions are laughable. I became fed-up with the e-petition system after it was obvious that this website has been created to give people the hope of having a voice - it's just more Labour spin. I sent them a petition to abolish the e-petition system, but it was rejected as 'the e-petition system is not the correct forum for such issues'. Bollocks to 'em.
Here's the government response to a petition calling for no government restrictions for taking photographs... given recent events this is laughable... (over 60k signatures on it) :
http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/Photography/
Thank you for signing the petition on the Downing Street website calling for the Prime Minister to stop proposed restrictions on photography in public places.
This petition has already attracted over 60,000 signatures from people who obviously share your concern. Not surprisingly, the idea that the Government might be poised to restrict your ability to take photos has caused some puzzlement and even alarm.
We have therefore decided to respond to this petition before its closing date of August, in order to reassure people.
The Government appreciates that millions of people in this country enjoy photography. So we have checked carefully to see if any Government department was considering any proposal that might possibly lead to the sort of restrictions suggested by this petition. We have been assured this is not the case.
There may be cases where individual schools or other bodies believe it is necessary to have some restrictions on photography, for instance to protect children, but that would be a matter for local decisions.
In fact, Simon Taylor, who started the petition, has since made clear that he was not really referring to Government action or legislation. His main concern appears to be that photographic societies and other organisations may introduce voluntary ID cards for members to help them explain why they are taking photographs. Again, any such scheme would not involve the Government.
We hope this re-assures you and clears up the confusion.
Once again Moslem groups are rearing up to sue the chap who made a film that links world events with, erm, the religion that gave backing to some nutters to commit these acts. It's common knowledge. The nutters were Moslem and used the Qu'ran to justify their actions. This is fact. So WTF are people getting upset about it?
Hatred does seem a bit ingrained though. For example, I got talking to a 'moderate' Moslem lady who agreed that the teddy bear incident didn't merit a shooting of the 'offender', but she was very upset that no lashing took place!! And this is a 'moderate'!! In the same conversation she also tried to justify the violence over the cartoon protests because 'No one makes fun of Jesus do they'?! I kid you not!
Someone made reference to the Crusades in the comments above. It's a common myth that the West seems to have adopted that the Crusades were some sort of 'Holy' rampage by the West against the Moslems. Well, that is historical bollocks! In fact the Crusades were started because the Byzantine emporer asked the Pope for help following *450 years* of aggressive Moslem conquest [of Christian and Jewish lands].
Also the myth about Moslem tolerance is ballcocks too. In the past, as in modern Iraq now, non-Moslem parties are barred from building new churches and must pay the Moslems a tax (Dhimmitude I think it's called; please excuse the spelling - not enough coffee this morning).
I hate that fact that our politians suppress any true debate on issues concerning religion. It seems that a mention of 'race or religion' instantly closes-down rational and factual debate into a fist-fight.
One last thing. How many Moslem groups threatened to sue the websites that hosted the Iraq beheading vids? Erm.... 0?
One more interesting fact. Although the middle-eastern Moslems hate the US (and probably the UK ), during the Asian Tsunami the US/UK and Australia gave *over 10 times* the amount [to the fund] that the oil-rich middle-eastern countries gave. Infact I think it was in Saudi (could be wrong here) that it was declared 'Gods punishment' for the region being too Westernised?
And what about Moslem girls being married-off at 12/13 years of age? I know Mohammed consumated his marriage to a 6-year old when she was 9yrs old... but in todays society that is called kiddy-fiddling. And you feckers still do it.
So yes, if you want to complain then go ahead. But take a very close look at yourselves before threatening to sue (and worse) about accepted facts. Drag yourselves out of the stone age.
Paris because religion and conflict suck, much like she does...
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