Posts by Master Baker

Pissed-off elves bombard Icelandic town with rocks

The elves did it

The elves are wicked little things. They eat babies, rape badgers and dangle their dongles into birds nests full of hatchlings.

And they throw rocks. Feckers.

Britain mounted secret 2010 cyberwarfare attack on al-Q

Warped view of history

The first Crusades were kicked off as a defensive action aginst aggressive Muslim expansion - IE Muslim armies invaded, fought and conquered previously Christian territories. So it wasn't really an act of imposing 'our views' onto the middle east, was it?

It could also be argued that there is a difference in trying to silence an opinion/voice - which obviously should not be done - against silencing a voice actively inspiring violence [in the name of religion *again* FFS] and making available methods to carry out said violence.

New pocket-sized smartbomb - just for killer robots

"live and let live... Mohammed..... really??"

I can understand the other prophets you mention but Mohammed.... live and let live?? Is this the same Mohammed who was actually a warlord who made his fortune (and financed his power-base) by robbing and murdering merchants? Is this the same chap who actually wrote down in his "Holy" book (that millions, if not billions of backward-folks follow) to "Kill the unbelievers wherever you find them", and also wrote that the only sure way to get into paradise (with virgin ladies and little boys) was to slay and be slain in the name of Allah??? And that in order to prove a rape, a women needs to have 4 witnesses which has led to the persecution of Islamic women around the globe (including this very sad tale from the beeb (2008) where a 13 year old rape victim was stoned to death using good old'e Mohammed's Sharia law : http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/7708169.stm)...

Or are you talking about someone else?

Clegg's taking away Your Freedom

can't think of one

I used to have a friend who lost their job and is now on the dole (has been for about 4 years). It's quite bad to see how he's gone. He doesn't bother looking for work and gets out of bed after lunch each day. Every 2 weeks he gets dole money (jobseekers?) that he spends immediately on drugs and then spends the time until his next freebie pay day moaning that he has no money.

We're not friends anymore since he turned-over just about all of our mutual friends (lent money, doesn't pay back etc).

He doesn't even wash or bathe (or buy under-arm spray). And I'll bet he wipes his shit with his hand because when I used to go to his flat he never had any bog roll.

And another person I know hasn't worked her entire life. She's now 55 and chose to be a baby factory with a number of different hubbies. She constantly moans that she doesn't 'get paid' enough. She fails to realise that the government isn't giving her a salary; it's a freebie. Infact it's a freebie sucked out of my taxes. She moans about money even though she had enough to send to a Nigerian chap when she got caught up in a dating scam. And she constantly moans at blokes like a wrongun - even though she plays 2-3 blokes at a single time.

Maybe these two are the exception. It seems to me that living on benefits for any amount of time can create laziness and a dependancy on the State. I think this government should do everything it can to minimise scrounger benefits. Perhaps if I was a scrounger myself, or had been made redundant in the bad times created (at least helped-along) by Gordon Browns de-regulation of the banks, then I'd be typing the opposite.

People who have nothing wrong with them should not be given things for free. My ex is looking for a new place to live and she is 'entitled' to rent council properties (3-4 bed room places - even though she has 1 child - yep that I do pay CS for) for less than £150 a week. I have to pay near £800 a month for a shitty two bed flat. She goes abroad twice a year on holiday. I can't afford to, even though I'm in a reasonable full-time job. She also receives a load of benefits, including her current rent paid for. I receive no benefits.

When people who do nothing for a living get entitlements above and beyond those folks that work their bollocks (or lady bits) off just to pay bills, then there is something fundamentally wrong.

Scroungers, single letching mums, dole scum, wasters, visa marriages, sham college visas, economic migrants, runaway fathers, Tony Blair, Gordon Brown. Fuck you all.

Two-lane BRIDGE FOUND ON FAR SIDE OF THE MOON!

Move along, nothing to see here

It's the Clangers. Pretty certain it isn't the Klingons. They live on Uranus.

Sod hedgerows and fields, build more base stations

Stop moaning

Just use pigeons.

Pakistan set to ban more web blasphemy

Your rules not mine

I have no religion. I'm happy to draw the 'prophet' - just because it upsets a follower of Islam why should I *not* draw him? Keep your religion to yourselves, and don't threaten me because I choose a different life.

The truth about the 'prophet' was that he was a highway man. A robber. A murderer. Him and his gang used to raid merchant caravans - that's how he got wealthy and established his powerbase in Medina. Oh, and when does the Islamic calander start? With the birth of the 'prophet'? No. The Islamic calander starts when the 'prophet' creates his first army in Medina. So go figure.

Often in the West we bow-down regarding the Crusades etc. Well, the truth about the crusades were that they were in reaction to aggressive Muslim expansion into the West. That's right - many Christian empires were toppled by Islamic warfare (Byzantine, Constantinople). Infact the Muslim armies conquered as far as Spain and even into Southern France before the Crusaders were able to turn them back. Why there are so many Western apologists for this amazes me. And why is Saladin portrayed in so many films as a noble chap. He was a tactician - and is responsible for as many killings as the Western Crusaders.

And the fact that the Muslim folks in the middle east lay claim to all the land there.... Well, who lived there before they did? Accounts of history tell us that the middle east used to be a thriving community of Jews, Christians and Pagans. That is until the 'Prophet' established an army and proceeded to wipe out all unbelievers - and those that would not convert or live as slaves and pay the Islamic tax. And this still goes on today! 2010 and people still kill people because of their beliefs (or lack thereof). Fathers still kill and maim their daughters because of some crappy 'rules' written down by a crazy, deformed (yep - there are accounts of him having a deformed posture) war-monger! It's nuts. Remember not too long ago on the news? In Somalia a group of Muslim chaps buried a teenage girl upto her neck and stoned her to death. Her crime? She'd been raped and her grandmother had persuaded her to go to the local police. They put this down to sex outside of marriage and thus she was sentenced to death. That incident was 2009 I think. What kind of religion breeds people like this?

According to quite a lot of sites on the internet, there have been over 15,000 lethal attacks worldwide by Muslims - and justified by the Koran - since 9/11. There's something wrong with that. Tony Blair famously said in a speech that 'Islam is a religion of peace'. What a dogs turd. He sent our troops to war and is now peace envoy to the middle east!!!

Islam is not a progressive religion. There is no science, no art, no joy within Islam. Do as I say. Or I'll kill you.

Blokes spend 11 months in shed

Shed woes

Problem with the shed is that the missus can and does bother you. Banging on the door, moaning away blah blah blah.

When I want some time, I find the most effective thing is to make my way to the loo and have a really big shit. She knows it's my time and never, ever comes-a-knocking whilst I'm curling one out.

I suppose you could fit a lavvy in the shed.... Never thought of that.

Apple turns the flamethrower on Android

Apple owns the world

The guy who sits opposite me at work has an Apple. He's a cock.

John Mayer tweets remorse over Playboy interview

Colour blind

We're all pink on the inside.

Discrimination warning over airport body scanners

Nice post

But you're mental.

Not all muslims are 'brown' as you put it. And Islam is not a race - it's a religion.

Hmmm

It's been discussed in another article that the X-Ray scanners won't stop a committed bomber, but I'm bored from hearing statements like this :

"The Commission yesterday warned Johnson that discrimination on racial or religious grounds is illegal."

Why is discrimination on religious grounds illegal (I agree with racial discrimination being a bit shit)? I thought it was pretty clear that the folks who want to kill western people/any non-muslim (this time round) are Islamists? Why can't they/shouldn't they receive a bit more attention?

Vodafone joins the iPhone throng

@where pray tell

Expansys are selling unlocked ones. But they're around £900 a pop.

Too much for my wallet. I'd rather spend it on crack and whores. And beer.

Ukraine slaps ban on all porn

License

I'm not sure what it is now, but in Pakistan you used to have to prove you had an illness to get an alcohol allowance - so you basically had to prove that you were/are an alchy.

I wonder if they'll be doing the same thing here? You have to prove that wanking is a medical condition in order to get a 'license to wank'? The examination could be interesting. Ready, set... wank wank wank wank wank wank wank wank wank wank wank wank wank wank wank...

Although in the article it's just the possession of porn that is illegal? So infact you could still wank, albeit with just a bit more use of your imagination. Perhaps that's it? The government of the Ukraine wants to stimulate the minds of its population more. They're not getting enough mental exercise. Rather than use their imaginations, hoards of Ukrainians just prefer to spend all of their time lurched-over the sofa, watching/reading filth and pumping their fists (or fingers - I'm not sexist).

This isn't censorship at all. It's Brain Training (like that wii/DS title) on a country-wide scale.

Orange calls up LG watchphone

The future

Next we'll be making calls via our condom(s). Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelo! My my, what an echo! Reception might be shit though.

The camera would, erm, come in use... left a bit, right a bit... found it :-)

Conviction overturned in MySpace suicide case

These people

I had a big fat lady friend who got sucked-in by some 'Nigerian' chap from 'Manchester' on a dating site she subscribes to. Despite all the warning signs she continued to pursue it in the hope of a jump.

After a year (in which she was involved (through him) with the police), she finally questioned him about his credentials. All she got was a tirade of abuse. The abuse continued for months. His account was barred, so he joined-up with another account and continued the abuse.

In the end she left the site because she couldn't take it anymore. She didn't kill herself (she came close), but she did cry alot. And ate much more ice cream and pies.

The world is full of shitheads. If the lady in the story/the mystery sender (the Hooded Claw?) gets a kick from driving a teenie-bopper to hang themselves then that is their fetish. As the late Wacko once sang "It doesn't matter if your black or white". Anyone can be a wanker. With or without a computer.

Beer. Cause it's lunchtime.

Satanic blob beast menaces North Carolina

no title

Are they edible? Could be a solution to third world hunger. I'd bet the Koreans would eat them. They eat anything. And the Thai's. They love cock*.

*cockrel

Brit firm stops anti-tank warheads with cloth

Great idea

They should look at coating the vehicles with tampons and fanny-pads. That'll absorb anything you could throw at it. May become a bit heavy if attacked with buckets of water though.

One fifth of humanity deprived of Milky Way

We need the lights on at night

To keep the Morlocks at bay.

They mostly come out at night. Mostly.

Cops collar Russian punting dog dressed as lamb

How much meat could you get off a human?

I wouldn't mind eating a person - once to try. I would start with my old geography teacher. She was a moose so probably would last me for some weeks.

Playboy to take on World of Warcraft with Bunny-themed MMORG

Cracking

nuff said.

Whitehall to train pro-West Islamic groups to game Google

I used to be an extremist too!

Please can I have some money now.

British film board rejects 'disturbing' sexual torture film

It's all just a bit of harmless fun

Taken aside each component sounds a bit horrible :

1) Doing a wee without intent - just ask any old person

2) Taking a bath on a board (times were hard in them days)

3) Electricity being ploughed into your flossy - potentially could be used to seal a wound; perhaps she was injured?

4) Mental torture. That is gruesome. My ex was into that. She was a monster.

5) Physical torture. See point #4.

6) Sexual abuse. One of the reasons my aforementioned ex and I split up. Not enough of it.

But all the individual parts come-together to form a whole.

It's a bit like football - the beautiful game. Except with more balls. And a flossy.

:-)

Prof: Fat ladies don't get to be CEOs, lardy blokes do

How do you get a Fat Bird into bed?

Piece of cake...

Secret European project to battle online jihad

Jacqui should get to know Islam

I for one think that Jacqui should get to know Islam better before making assumptions about it.

I would vote 100% for her to wear a Burka from now on for the following reasons :

1. It would help her to learn more about what she is trying to combat

2. She's a bit of a moose

3. It may muffle her facial piss-flaps from leaking verbal waste

Also muslim porn is rubbish. You don't see anything.

UK butterfly numbers hit hard

Poor butterflies

I blame Labour.

Just goes to show that this recession is hitting everyone. Butterflies are now unable to buy basic essentials such as raincoats and/or tiny umbrella's made of twigs and leaves. And, as most butterflies are now unemployed (yes Gordon - *your* fault) they are having to default on their mortgage payments and are thus being made homeless by the very insect banks bailed-out by us, the taxpayer! The tiny soup kitchens just cannot keep-up. Were it not for community-spirited ants and beetles the street-mortality rate would rocket.

What a sad day for Britain. And what a reflection of this poo Labour government.

Next they'll be getting tiny id-cards, which they'll have to keep in tiny wallets/purses and, due to the lack of pockets on a butterfly they are sure to loose them - resulting in an increased feeling of alienation which inturn will lead to more arrests and a spike of crime within the insect community as a whole. They know who the terrorists are - the spiders - so why don't they target them rather than install legislation which affects the honest, tax-paying insectiod? It's political correctness gone mad.

Why oh why did we vote Labour?

Can't get a job? Try plastic surgery

"wide awake facelift"

But it won't make your cock bigger

Vatican researcher claims Templars worshipped Turin Shroud

Question

Did Jesus really exist then?

I thought he was a non-literal character- like Superman or Richard Branson?

Drunk Swedish pastor woos Christians online

Man of God

He was just following the commandment "You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour". Surely he can't be booted out for telling the truth... he's a Christian whistle-blower...

BT cuts phone charges for prisoners

doh

I read that wrong at first - I thought it said 'BT cuts phone charges for pensioners', not prisoners.

Next it will be cutting charges for illegals and minority groups....... :-P

BBC fined £150k over Manuelgate

Rich

Wossy didn't actually loose that much, if anything over this farce. The Beeb continued to pay the production company 'Hot Sauce' during Wossy's 12 week holiday. And who owns 'Hot Sauce'?? Yep, Wossy himself.

It's all bollocks, which is why I don't have a tv license (or a TV). The feckers at the license-agency - ran by Crapita - still threatened me with red-letters and court action. The letters and threats didn't actually stop until I threatened them with legal action.

We pay for the Beeb (well, I don't anymore) and then we also pay for the dvd's of the series they make with our (your) money. I think every taxpayer should be exempt for paying for the Beebs dvd's - as long as they can present a valid license.

Friday afternoon. I want to go home.

Etailer flogs signed Jade Goody biog for £1,000

And she lived her life, like a kee-bab in the wind

The real money would be in taking a plastercast of her 'kebab' and then, after her death, making one of those flashlight things with her bits in it (you know what I'm talking about).

Actually, forget about the flashlight. You may need to use a bucket.

If Jade Goody is an indication of our society and the levels to which we've fallen, then we're all fecked.

UK kiddies cop a righteous tasering

Fuck the Children

On reflection that title sounds a bit wrong... mayeb I'll be in for a tazer'ing...

Coppers should be trained to shoot for the knackers/general crotch area. I imagine that a barb piercing your ball sack (or flaps) and then firing 50,000 volts into said area would hurt quite a lot. They could do it to immigrants to stop them having babies.

Then, when the victim is dancing on the floor the copper should stick their large boot into either the bastards peenie or gynie, depending on gender. Then they should mock their victim. With very harsh words/another shocking.

Fuck the Children. Fuck them all.

Texting peer gets prison

"There was nothing he could do"

If I saw a car in the same lane as me, facing in my direction there would be something I'd be doing... slowing down and getting out of the way! For the judge to say that the text messages didn't contribute to the fatal crash is farcical. He obviously wasn't paying attention to what was on the road. For him to say "there was nothing I could do" is an insult to the chap he killed.

Remember that comment made about offenders being forcibly raped in prison (yep it was a dumb comment). I for one wouldn't give two fucks if Ahmed got gang-banged every day for the rest of this pathetically small sentence.

I agree with the other comments. When he gets out he won't have 'changed'. He'll still be a pompous shit head. Look at the way he threatened to mobilise 10,000 folks onto the streets of London in protest at Geert Wilders being invited to the House of Lords. He's a pompous, bullying, taxpayer-funded little shit.

College IT departments told to deploy anti-terror dragnet

@David Wiernicki

"Somehow I'm not surprised that someone of your towering intellect can't tell the difference between Paris Hilton and a thumb."

And your great contribution to this comment page was what exactly? Sarcasm? Do you have anything to say on the story or as your post suggests, are you just a cock?

Paris just for you.

Political correctness again

That's right, the government shouldn't focus on Isamic groups because there are tons of extremist Christians, Jews, Mormons, Quakers, Hindus and Budhists all queuing up to blow things up... What's that? Actually there are no extremist Christians, Jews, Mormons, Quakers, Hindus or Budhists wanting to blow us up in the name of their respective gods???

If Muslim communities do fuck all to tackle their own extremism then the government has to act.

These idiots should stop crying victim "Oh the government is picking on XXX community...".

If said XXX community took responsibility for their own inbreedings of violence and hatred then the UK would be a better place. The government is not targetting Muslim groups for the fun of it. Since Sept 11th there have been a recorded 12,757 deadly worldwide attacks by Muslims who justify their actions by passages from the Koran.

Don't want to get targetted by government legislation - take some responsibility and change your behaviour.

I'm sure people may take offence to this post. Don't really care. Any debate on Islam and the roots of it's violence are always silenced. Why is everyone scared about debating the issues?

Paris, because in a Sharia world she'd be forgotten.

Scotland's porn laws: Can we talk about this like grown-ups?

What's wrong with animal sex?

When you look at their little eyes, it's almost as if they understand :-)

Rapists should be raped, declares Jordan

She is stupid

But I would like a ride on her milkers

Cows can't detect earthquakes: Official

Cows have it easy

They just stand in a field all day and get milked.

If I stood in a field waiting to get milked I'd get arrested.

Librarians redubbed 'audience development officers'

Could get confused with other professions

'Audience Development Officer' would be a great 'official' title for a porn star. After all, they develop their audiences to [a] climax.

Could equally be applied to Prophets. "He's not an Audience Development Officer, he's just a very naughy boy"

National Safety Council seeks total* cell-phone driving ban

@Bryan Reed get a life - by AC

Totally agree with this post.

Bryan, you are typical of the gimps who dress-up in perverse spandex and take to the streets with a 'poor-me' attitude. You are responsible for your own safety.

My experience with cyclists, and with some motor-bike riders too is that they will endanger themselves just to get to the front of a queue. It's not so bad with motor bikes because at least they leave you for dust when the lights go-green. All the cyclist succeeds in doing is creating a queue of angry drivers behind them. Green energy? Fuck off. What about the queue of cars and trucks behind you stuck in low gears?

I have to drive through a number of cuntry lanes to get to/get home from work. The area is full of cyclists. At one point I have to go up quite a steep hill. Even though there is a path no cyclist has yet get off their bike and walked it up the hill on the pavement. They all struggle, wobbling in-and out of their lane position (making overtaking impossible - on a hill will many blind bends), spandex-a-flashing and arse-cheeks akimbo. It's not a pretty sight.

And then, especially driving home at winter on unlit roads, the amount of feckers who think it's ok - ie not their responsibility... to cycle wearing nought but black, on a black bike with no lights. These feckers are very hard to see, especially with traffic coming the other way (headlights shining in your eyes). I've had some near-misses with these scum bags, and on each occassion they curse and throw abuse as if they own the road. It's my fault you're cycling at night dressed like a fucking ninja is it? Grow up. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like just to roll over them in my porsche. I imagine that, given their choice of dress their bodies wouldn't be found until morning, and by then they'd be nought but mush.

I think it's a good idea to legislate against dangerous driving on every vehicle - bit it a car, truck, tractor or a cycle etc. However, wrapping people up in legislation should not take away their social responsibilities. You choose to get into a car/truck/onto a bike etc - and you're responsible for your actions and subsequent consequences. Kill someone and it should be manslaughter - not a dangerous driving offence (which would mean a short sentence).

Blue-man picture, because it looks like a cyclist. Especially in winter. Where they still wear spandex!

Peter Mandelson exerts party discipline in cyberspace

Party

Mandy, Blair and Brown like to dress up exclusively in peep-hole bra's, green wellington boots and blue wigs whilst they dance around (pilled-up to their eye balls) to the theme music from Fraggle Rock.

Each one then posts their discharge into a post box, which is actually just Cherie painted red, smiling and wearing a strap-on.

They are fucking sick.

Forget Google rationing: Only lighting farts can save the planet

Guff engine

Could lighting your parps be used to power a small-sized combustion engine?

Feed a tube from your aniarse to a small engine housed on the back of a pair of rollerstates. To be fair you would have to pump out a lot to keep going.

Or you could pump-out into a pressurised container. When it's full it could beep at you, at which point you could slot it into your roller-skate or stakeboard engine.

Or just take it home, release it under the duvet in the morning (as your getting up for work) so when your wife gets up she thinks she's shit herself.

Flame, because farts and fire shouldn't really mix.

World Bank confirms Wipro is on contractor blacklist

Worked with Wipro before

I've worked with useless Wipro folks before. The ones we got were as thick as pig shit. I was actually part of the interview process until so many were getting rejected (17 in a row) that my manager (Indian himself) asked for the list of questions we were using!! No joke. We gave him a dumbed-down list.

Their next trick was to have a 'customer representative' sat with the candidates during interviews (all interviews were initially phone based). The amount of times the phone went on mute whilst they the customer rep 'explained the question' to the candidate was crazy.

And then after a week of them having the dumbed-down question sheet we started getting scripted droid answers to the questions... until we asked them questions from the sheet we'd kept private, at which point they face on their asses again.

It was comical to watch but at the same time it wasted so much of our time that in the end we got quite pissed off.

Anyway, in the end both myself and the other interviewer was taken off 'interview duties'. Suprise suprise two weeks later six turned up!! My manager just over-ruled our decision.

We than had to live with these idiots for 2 years until I left the company (then got re-employed but in a different team).

We all thought that he was on the take back then...

Navy SEALs look to grapple with Brazilian

I'm a Master too

And so's my wife.

Really, I am a master. I'm a master of the self-raising loaf, which I bake and I bake until it's stiff like a English French Loaf.

Carl Cestari was quite scary in his dvd's. Pretty much everything he instructed was for taking someone out as quickly as possible and with least effort. Nothing magical, just nasty stuff like eye gouges and testie-crushing. The strangest thing I saw him do was on a dvd for body conditioning where he smacked himself full-on on the chin/jawline with a metal bar. He's died of cancer now though.

Going back to the point of the combat training-for-purpose though, surely for 'those types of terrorist' all the Americans would need to do is drop a load of shoes and comic's into the target area. The 'terrorists' would likely riot and kill each other before the SEALS got there.

Corrupt cop abused police database to blackmail child abusers

@Tony Paulazzo

You are a cock and a retard; a cocktard.

The chap was blackmailing people and abusing his powers as a copper - are you saying that it should be ignored just because he's a 'minority'?? You fucking idiot. It's people like you from the 'poor me' brigade that are ruining the country.

Do you have 'thick lips and black curly hair'? Is it a complex of yours, or is a recurring dream that you have whilst your father spanks your plank?

Chinese spy scare sours Australia's plans for nationwide broadband

Revelation

I found out yesterday that the S Bridge into Wales is actually owned by a French company. Imagine that. Each time I'm forced to drive into Wales I have to pay the French. Very strange state of affairs.

And, due to government corruption the French will also soon be building our nuclear reactors too.

Paris, because she too has foreign bodies within her infrastructure.

Contractors and managers hit in Alcatel-Lucent layoffs

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way....

to the dole queue.

Mixed reviews for semen-based recipe book

Like a fine wine and cheeses...

Lol.

I watched a TV show once about odd couples. This woman made her blokey shower with his doings tied-up in a plastic bag. Apparently she liked it stinky. Dirty cow. I'll bet she's a Stilton eater...

Whatever next? Flem stew? Winnet and cinnamon shortbread?

There was also a story not to long ago when computers on a train spotted a blokey in a field eating a horse. Well, to more more specific he was eating a certain part of said horse.

Perhaps he was on a survival weekend? People don't milk horses for fun, do they? Survival in rural Hampshire with ex-SAS trooper Andy McNab... and in this episode, Andy milks a horse for protein...

Shouldn't this book be banned under El Gov's new bad porn laws?

Jobs, cause I'll bet he's given a few

Nintendo whacked with $5m Wii strap lawsuit

Easy

Don't buy or use a wii. If you've bought one then take it back.

The consumers are not the 'victims' here. They choose to use the wii, so fuck them.

I'd like to see companies in America start sueing consumers for 'being defective'.

Oh my straps broke because I'm violently swinging the remote at the TV.... hmmm... it's not my fault. I'm a victim. I could make some $$ here and buy some more hamburgers to fuel my McDonalds-created fat-arse... (nothing to do with me eating all this food. McDonalds made me fat. I'm the victim... I should sue them...).

Dickheads.