* Posts by Antonius_Prime

132 posts • joined 22 Feb 2011


Lift us up where we belong: UK's Network Rail puts elevators online


Simon will be *very* happy...

I mean, hasn't the BOfH been doing things remotely to elevators for years?

(In fact, this is precisely where my mind went when I read the article...)

Excel is for amateurs. To properly screw things up, those same amateurs need a copy of Access


Re: All that counselling, wasted

I wouldn't call it a repressed memory.

Argument for the Defence, perhaps...


BOFH: Rome, I have been thy soldier 40 years... give me a staff of honour for mine age


We are spoiled!

New BOFH and a new Dabbsy on the same day?

This is more inspirational that Dabbsy's "Today is your life's tomorrow!" (https://www.theregister.com/2020/10/09/sftw/)


For me anyway...

Those that think the above platitude is the way of the world may end up herding alpaca's in Patagonia, via the Ural Steppes...

From the Department of WCGW: An app-controlled polycarbonate lock with no manual override/physical key


Re: Welcome back

Last person who attempted to hunt down the BOFH hasn't been heard from.

Something about taking up Alpaca Herding in Patagonia, via the Ural Steppes...

Help! My printer won't print no matter how much I shout at it!


Re: Ever solved a silly problem, but spared the user from office-wide embarrassment (...) ?

"But if you call me out to fix a problem, I'll fix it. If you're the problem..."

Yeah, HR in my current place don't like me wandering around loudly clacking the old Ethernet Crimping Tool...

Summat about cracks about crimping... I'unno...

Is Little Timmy still enthralled by his Leapfrog tablet? Maybe check he hasn't sideloaded an unrestricted OS onto it


Re: The universe, for any engineer, is divided into to classes of stuff

I work with engineers of many, many different (and often, conflicting) stripes.

This is an absolute truism for understanding them...

Ofc, as IT, it's clear the buggers don't understand computers...

What a time to be alive: Floating Apple store bobs up in Singapore


Re: Bond movie

I'll always upvote Hank Scorpio.

That episode was GENIUS.

Happy birthday to the Nokia 3310: 20 years ago, it seemed like almost everyone owned this legendary mobile


NOKIA Steeplechase events in the pub...

These were the big, everyone had them phone as we hit Uni / College. (Well the 3210's anyway)

We did notice that the vibrate function on them, when the phone was balanced to stand upright, was enough to propel the phone along a flat-ish table surface at a fair clip.

Being the enterprising students that we were, we were able to set up races between people. The covers gave a livery, and some of us (me) discovered some cheaper, lighter cases as well as what network was quickest to connect to what and kick off the phone.

Made a fair few bevvies out of that knowledge too...

(Icon related...)

Facebook apologizes to users, businesses for Apple’s monstrous efforts to protect its customers' privacy


Re: So, Apple moved fast and broke (Facebook's) things?

Only bad if FB aren't the ones moving fast and breaking things...

Zuck probably thinks 1984 & Animal Farm are morality tales - but gets the wrong lessons...

Personally, I predict that the 2nd or 3rd posty-iOS 14 update to the app will have hidden code that'll bypass the restrictions and we'll be treated to a replay of the Epic Vs Apple kerfuffle.

Might set a reminder to send an anoni-mouse email to the App Review Teams in a few weeks...

Anti-5G-vaxx pressure group sues Zuckerberg, Facebook, fact checkers for daring to suggest it might be wrong


Re: @Mark 85 Tossing their toys about

Isn't that why BBCx exists? Give them their platform. At 12 at night. On the station no one watches.

(Used to be BBC2, then 3, then 4... BBC++ didn't sit right. Infinitely incrementing BBC's is an ill-understood threat to existence...)

Ex-Apple engineer lifts lid on Uncle Sam's top-secret plan to turn customized iPod into 'Geiger counter'


Re: Good news!

These days, its less common to be on their watch lists!

In fact, these days they don't even bother with lists, they just go get your info direct from Zuck!

What evil lurks within the data centre, and why is it DDoS-ing the ever-loving pants off us?


Re: Update (mis)-scheduling

"And whilst it was going on, basically all you had to work with was the phone and the coffee mug..."

If that occurred more than twice to me, my phone would... [checks BOFH excuse server] ...suffer an Unreportable Transmission Override Warning... and be unusable for the day...


Twitter hackers busted 2FA to access accounts and then reset user passwords


However, Twitter's European HQ is located in Dublin.

And therefore very much subject to GDPR.

Our lenient tax laws do make it too good to pass up sometimes and you can get some rather large (pardon the pun) fish...


Re: The bit that leaps out for me...

"I would suggest a small number may end up being just 1 but they are trying to avoid all the crap landing in one place at the moment."

If they're trying to avoid the midden hitting the windmill for one specific person, then it suggests to me that it may have been an important person.

Not neccessarily a high up one, but more someone who gets a lot of things done, or as we've seen - has some of the Royal Keys...

Cornish drinkers catch a different kind of buzz as pub installs electric fence at bar



All of us who've taken that path do - whole heartedly! :D

IBM job ad calls for 12 years’ experience with Kubernetes – which is six years old


Do you need a towel? :D

Consumer orgs ask world's competition watchdogs: Are you really going to let Google walk off with all Fitbit's data?


Short-sighted bit of an analogy here?

"Not everyone has a Fitbit, so the data is only useful when considering Fitbit users.

I’ve always used Garmin fitness / sport products so this purchase should have little impact on me."

You could also say:

"Not everyone's house is on fire, so the data is only useful when considering people who's house caught fire.

I’ve always used Hotels so this should have little impact on me."

It may not impact you, but there's a raft of others it will impact. And it may impact you later on, indirectly.

Cool IT support drones never look at explosions: Time to resolution for misbehaving mouse? Three seconds


Re: I'm sure we've all done this too

"Equipment needs to know who's boss."

YES! This! A thousand, thousand, thousand times this!

I have to explain to many staff that the reason the machine starts working when I do exactly what they did is because mine was the first hand to touch it and it knows I *will* slap it if it misbehaves.

And if anyone ever starts a Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Computers, they may be subject to a Terrible Accident...

Boffins baffled as supergiant star just vanishes – either it partially blew itself apart or quietly turned into a black hole


Have to love the ESO's naming conventions...

They used the Very Large Telescope

Then; "ESO’s Extremely Large Telescope planned to begin operation in 2025"

I can only hope the next one after that is the "F***ing Enourmous Telescope"...

'One rule for me, another for them' is all well and good until it sinks the entire company's ability to receive emails


Why the hell did I hear Sean Bean saying all of that??

Twitter ticks off Trump with new 'Get the facts' alert on pair of fact-challenged tweets


Re: Free speech?

To do that particular acheivment, he'd need to pass whatever the basic reading grade America has.

Perhaps get him to read 3 Dr. Seuess books from end to end, out loud in one sitting?

It's a goal for some 5 year olds, p'raps Orangina can sack up and exceed expectations?

'We're changing shift, and no one can log on!' It was at this moment our hero knew server-lugging chap had screwed up


Re: Labels people, and read them!

People start getting right shirty when you start applying labels to them, physical or otherwise, these days...

Mine's the one with the iphone in it that identifies as an android that identifies as an iphone, thanks...

Apple creates face shield for health workers, resists the temptation to call it the 'iMask'


In fairness, Apple plopped down $15 million with no strings.

Facebook said "$10 million, if the FB community donates as well", which seems a bit forced t'me.

But what would I know, I'm not a sillycon valley billionaire tech maven...

Real-time tragedy: Dumb deletion leaves librarian red-faced and fails to nix teenage kicks on the school network


Re: My uni had similar rules :)

These wouldn't be boxen that would be booted maybe once a week for excel & word classes and never used again, would they?

Full of enough fruit at the time to make the entire computer department jealous?

While the computer classes which needed the processors, RAM, HDD space and GC capabilites were stuggling along on what could be compassionately called "pc's" because they were too far from water to be called anchors and too far from landfill to be called scrap?

If so, we may have attended similar colleges...


How dare you! My mother is a saint!

Borky shark: A deserted airport and a Raspberry Pi feeling poorly at baggage claim. Welcome to 2020


Surprised the byline didn't say

"Welcome to the Borkage Claim"

And maybe a little disappointed too...


(Icon, for obvious reasons...)

Not exactly the kind of housekeeping you want when it means the hotel's server uptime is scrubbed clean


Re: There's a Terry Pratchett Quote for That...

From Thief of Time, I believe, but I may be wrong.

Just the place you'd want to spot a BSOD: While waiting in line for a roller coaster that lifts you up 124ft


"An employee clutching a large bolt, saying 'No, I don't know where it came from either...' "

This is directly from the BOfHBBBoBB*, isn't it?

Either way; top job!

* Bastard Operator from Hell Big Bastarding Book of Bastard Bludges, for those suffering / recovering from TLA Poisoning...

Reddit gets downvoted as site takes a Wednesday tumble


Re: Wait a second...

"I've never met a Register reporter in real life so I couldn't comment."

With the exception of Dabsy, Verity & the Late, Greatly missed Lester; I reckon most of 'em are bots.

Simon most definitely isn't. I have the certificate he sold me...

Tech can endure the most inhospitable environments: Space, underwater, down t'pit... even hairdressers


Re: Might have mentioned this before...

That's OK. We all have our moment in the Sun, before bursting into flames like the pasty vampires we are...




That is all.

They were great. Like the tech equivalent to those pimple popper videos...


Re: Might have mentioned this before...

"No harm, no foal."

You missed a great opportunity to Dad-pun it...


(Icon appropriate - maybe...)

Bada Bing, bada bork: Windows 10 is not happy, and Microsoft's search engine has something to do with it


Games Companies, circa 2012-2016: "Always on online access for offline games is a great idea! Wait... no, wait, nope. huh. Looks like it isn't and the users definitely didn't like that. Better not do that again..."

Microsoft: "Hold my Bing..."


Because all your bas---^c^c data belong to MS...

Very little helps: Tesco flashes ancient Windows desktop on Scan-As-You-Shop device


Re: "On the other hand, they might complain anyway, even with the freshest stock."

More of a "try not to incite a violent mob at work".

As I said, it was probably one of the steps to BOfH-hood... :D

(Steps on a non-greased, well lit stairwell, with plenty of CCTV that IT can't access. Learn your lessons well, to enable you to get away with it easier...)


"On the other hand, they might complain anyway, even with the freshest stock."

To paraphrase the yanks a little:

"If you open, they will whinge..."

I was once, for my sins, one of those minumum wage wonks. Way back in the late 90's early 00's, for the chain wot is the subject of the article.

The tills at the time were DOS 6.22 based and the DB machine in the backroom that communicated with head office for prices & promos & barcodes ran Win3.11. Siemens PC's. Decent spec for the day, if I recall.

This was sometime circa 99/2000, so not the immense risk it would be today.

The fun story I have of that time was around the turn of the milleniumiumium... Literally!

New Years Eve 1999. I was working the checkout in the Off Licence with 2 others. We had queues just for the off licence stretching the ENTIRE length of the store - and back. This was in Ireland, so the Off Licence area had to be semi segregated from normal shopping, due to laws. This was also a branch in an affluent part of the town, so not your normal regulars...

From the technical side of things, the Powers tHat Be had decided to segregate the portions of the DB that dealt with alchohol from those that dealt with normal groceries.

So someone couldn't pay for wine & beer at normal checkouts and groceries at the licensed ones. Remember this, it'll be important in a bit...

Back to yon story!

New Years 1999! Queues out the wazoo!

I'm on the middle till, the busiest of the 3 tills there. Out of nowhere, in the face of very impatient people queuing to pay for social lubrication, this lovely* lady storms up with a basket of all groceries, no alcohol.

Said lady slams basket of goodies down in front of 18-ish year old me and began a tirade of abuse directed at me, the directors of the company and anyone around that it was **unacceptable** that she have to wait in line at the tills and ... blah blah blah, imprecations, blah, threats, blah, implications about my parentage, etc.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see our designated assistant manager attempt to become smaller and smaller behind me whiloe attempting to stack shelves quietly.

Attempting to humour said harpy; I attempted to explain that the store was quite busy, apologies, it was New Year's Eve and a new millenium would be starting soon, unless all the computers fscked up, but the particular computer in front of me simply couldn't take her goods, it wasn't "programmed**" to...

Which started another round of abuse. Again, displaying the traits that many now know and fear as "positive reinforcement" (If you're negative to me, I'll be positive to you. or your right nipple, if the jumper lead will reach...) I swung the screen around, scanned every item in her basket which flashed up big red "ITEM NOT FOUND" along with a klaxxon like sound from the buzzer. (Perhaps that's the evolutionary precursor to 'UNKNOWN ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA'?)

Not satisfied, The Greatest Customer In The World, started another round of painting the air blue.

I now recognise this moment as a step on my path to BOfH-hood, as with manager attempting to become a chameleon and look like a bottle of Huzzar, I sweetly turned to her, after interruping and said:

"I'm sorry; I'm not paid to take your abuse. There's a manager there [points back with thumb] if you'd like to complain."

She grabbed her basket and turned away. I don't recall what she muttered, but I do recall I probably rubbed salt, vinegar, lemon and chilli into the wound by shouting "Next!!" as she turned.

I have it on reliable evidence that that anecdote had made it into a "What not to do in these situations" for a few years.

I'm quite proud of that...

*she wasn't in the slightest...

**"programmed to do it" was a great term, even back then, to explain stuff to non-users...

Icon because of her reaction...

IoT security? We've heard of it, says UK.gov waving new regs


"IoT security? We've heard of it, says UK.gov"

Doing better than the IoshiT vendors at least!

Clunk, whirr, buzz, whine. Shared office space can be a riot and sounds like one too


Someone earlier on mentioned a hammer, go with that...


Re: Simple cure



Re: Sometimes

"A hammer"

You mean a User Expectation Recalibration Device?

It Recalibrates the users expectations of such things as continued use of fingers, kneecaps, smartthingys and wrists, if its utilised in the proscribed manner...

Microsoft boffin inadvertently highlights .NET image woes by running C# on Windows 3.11


Re: BTW if you need a cross-platform GUI development solution

Which raises the question of what actually is the native look and feel of Windows these days?


Same as the rest of us...

BOFH: You brought nothing to the party but a six-pack of regret


Re: Welcome back!

Monthly?! I remember when it was weekly!

Those were good times...

A Notepad nightmare leaves sysadmin with something totally unprintable


Re: Printer drivers: still cruddy after all these years

Only because the EPA get shirty about normal peons (i.e. non-governments and non-big bucks bizzes) dumping toxic waste in the local tip...


BOFH: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and the ransomware struck


Re: A what USB stick?

Nah, same technique the gents wot dun threaten us wif the dirty vids they claim to have taken use.

Throw some plausible & google-able terms at non-techs to up the sense of urgency.

In fact, the entire episode could be used to illustrate how these plonkers fall for these scams!

Blindingly great episode though! I was in audible laughter in the office here.

Thank $deity that theres no one else here.

The time PC Tools spared an aerospace techie the blushes

Thumb Up

Re: Norton Utilities 2002

Yep. Only now you can get it on USB as well!

It's a mighty tool, especialy in Win10.


Re: Windows 3.1

"Heck the time they turned off the server room air con by mistake was also put down to it.."

Yeah, nah. Your IT team were BOfH's. You're a lucky bloke to not have met your end! :)

(Also, El Reg, why do we not have a BOfH icon? :) )

Log us out: Private equity snaffles Lastpass owner LogMeIn

Big Brother

Re: Here to collect the downvote.

Up to about 4 hours ago, my time, anyway. (12:30pm GMT, in wintertime. DO THE MATHS AMERICANS! XD )

Possibly a gruntled LastPass employee?

Gruntled because if they were disgruntled they'd downvote the ones praising LP.

FUSE for macOS: Why a popular open source library became closed source and commercially licensed


That's a terrible thing to do to those poor monkeys Adobe get from the zoo...

Xbox Series X: Gee thanks, Microsoft! Just what we wanted for Xmas 2020 – a Gateway tower PC


Re: So, it's a PC, right ?

"I wonder if you could install Linux on it. I also wonder why you would want to."

I believe George Mallory said it best: "Because it's there..."

Why is the printer spouting nonsense... and who on earth tried to wire this plug?


Re: It's a four lettered word!

You "Participated in Contractual Employement for Monetary Renumeration". Shouldn't trip the swear filter...



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