* Posts by The Alpha Klutz

636 publicly visible posts • joined 17 Feb 2011

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Investors queue for chance to glance at Zuck's FACE

The Alpha Klutz

when you feel low, look at Zuckerberg

and remember that he will NEVER find true love.

Pirate island attracts more than 100 startup tenants

The Alpha Klutz

hello i am delighted to be alive at your expense

i am currently squatting in your summer house. your wifi is good for all the music and porn im downloading. pirated of course. PS. ive added some stains on your toilet that aint going nowhere.

BT missing from Pirate Bay High Court slap-down

The Alpha Klutz
Mushroom

hello i am going to destroy you

and you are going to be made to enjoy your destruction

then, i will build you back up again and destroy you a second time

that time you will made not to enjoy your destruction.

you will jump when i say frog.

you will bark when i say dog

you will be made to smoke sub-standard crack.

I will be home for dinner honey,

Sincerely,

Joe 'Typical Record Company Executive'

Executive Director of Typical Music.

Study finds water cycle accelerating with warming

The Alpha Klutz

haha humans are fucked

and can be phased out now

Official: Britain staggers into double-dip recession doom

The Alpha Klutz
Devil

hello motherfucker

yes I'm talking to you Tony Blair, you did this on purpose, you lubricious swine. I'm going to have fun with you in the afterlife, motherfucker.

Great HR mistakes of our time - Aviva fires 1300 by email

The Alpha Klutz
Mushroom

hooooooly fuck

these pussies think thats a firing, ive fired more people than that with my dick. these amateurs disgust me.

Zuckerberg blew $1bn on Instagram 'without telling Facebook board'

The Alpha Klutz

well well

Zuckerberg was just a dangerous lunatic all along.

forgive me if i say i told you so HA.

Lords give automatic smut censorship bill the once-over

The Alpha Klutz

as you can see the police state coming in now

get ready for your secret trail shitface, what does it matter, we will all be in the gulags by the time this whole shitty mess collapses around us. and flooding the country with tourists for the 2012 nolympics was all part of their plan to destablise things so when the country is full and there are no police, and criminals running rampant killing children and small animals on every street corner, then you will learn what it feels like to have your life in a database with some jobsworth touching you up every 5 minutes asking for your ID card. you think you will be able to get petrol then? ha fucking ha. you will be lucky if some hoody doesnt slash your tyres and your face and make off with the last of your savings which by the way wont be worth fuck all when the banks collapse which they already did.

so eat shit and die, because you wont be able to afford to eat anything else.

Facebook's viral activism is really good... for admen

The Alpha Klutz
Meh

so you mean that smug, self satisfied, toilet seat sniffer

runs an organisation that pays himself most of the donations? wow

Tony Blair closes RSA 2012, denounces WikiLeaks

The Alpha Klutz

Re: Choose your weapons

eat about 6 dozen eggs beforehand and sit in the front row blowing off

The Alpha Klutz

tony blair makes the scum of the earth look good

IT guy answers daughter's Facebook rant by shooting her laptop

The Alpha Klutz

he did it to scare the other kids. now they know their friend's dad will come round and shoot the fuck out of them if they do anything wrong.

Judges set timetable for McKinnon case resolution

The Alpha Klutz

what's the point in having laws

If criminals aren't allowed to consider themselves above them?

Students busted for hacking computers, changing grades

The Alpha Klutz

i wish someone would put the kids in charge of the school

tired of schools run by idiots you know?

HMV faces the music after crap Christmas

The Alpha Klutz
Mushroom

FLAVOURED CONDOMS

200+ flavours.

They'll make the £160m back in a week.

Apple land-grabs fuel cells for mobiles

The Alpha Klutz

patents

are for shutting down innovation so that nobody can ever compete with the megacorps.

Any corporation big enough to have lawyers on staff is already doing what it wants in complete contravention to patents and international law. They don't even care enough to hide it now. What this means is that some guy in a shed will never be allowed to add a fuel cell to a phone even if the chances are good he will do it better and cheaper than Apple and treat his customers more fairly.

Corporations like Apple are so cowardly that they won't even compete with the cottage industries because they know in any truly free market they would be beaten effortlessly (on every issue of customer satisfaction and technical brilliance) by guys who don't even have lawyers. That's how Apple was founded! Wake Up.

The fact that today's youth and inventors are not scared of such broad patents shows just how little intellect it really takes to get yourself a degree these days. When human invention is signed off wholesale to 4 or 5 top megacorps who we know are evil, and nobody even cares, that's when we have a problem.

People claim to love Apple, but then exhibit an anti-invention anti-intellectual standpoint that is just shocking. Proof if you need it that these people haven't heard of Steve Wozniak before. They just want a phone that looks good when you dance around in front of a bluescreen waving the headphone cord around. Pathetic.

Go Daddy boycott threat for backing hated anti-piracy law

The Alpha Klutz

WRONG SIR, WRONG

YOU PIRATED FIZZY LIFTING DRINKS, YOU BUMPED INTO THE CEILING WHICH NOW HAS TO BE WASHED, AND STERILIZED, SO YOU GET NOTHING. YOU LOSE. GOOD DAY SIR.

PROVEN: Violent video games mess with your head

The Alpha Klutz
Headmaster

well

how many people do you know that play games 1 week on, 3 weeks off?

People who can go 3 weeks without gaming will generally go months or decades without gaming.

BUSTED! Secret app on millions of phones logs key taps

The Alpha Klutz

this is why I don't have a smartphone.

Once you know the truth, that smartphones are designed to sap and impurify your precious bodily fluids, you just can't submit to having one. It's the secret policeman in your pocket. It only takes a room temperature IQ to figure out that they're using it to spy on you, I mean, duh. How obvious does it have to get?

Microsoft staff savage Ballmer at company confab

The Alpha Klutz
Alert

Ballmer's missing a trick

He needs to be selling himself. He needs to say "look at me, I'm the CEO of Microsoft, and my job is so easy, because of all this great enterprise software we have: - don't you wish you could run your company from a chair? I can! Golf Anyone? At Microsoft we are selling a philosophy; How to run a 21st century business. Our software builds the framework, so the more of it you subscribe to, the more tightly integrated your business will be to our successful Microsoft model. You can make your company as scalable as ours. Almost instantly. Roll up and take a chance, once again, my name is Steve Ballmer, and I'm the billionaire CEO on easy street.

Then cut to the wide shot of him serving up BBQ to his dearest.

The Alpha Klutz
Go

ballmer would be more engaging if you gave him a mr blobby suit

he could jump around and shout blobby blobby blobby and break things. Noel Edmonds would have to turn up unannounced and give him a ticking off. It would be a lot of fun for the staff of Microsoft. Then they can eat cake and icecream and play on the bouncy castle. I think less people would walk out because they would all be waiting for their goody bags. Everyone gets a box of crayons and a drawing of the Windows logo to colour in. They could play the latest S Club 7 songs.

if theyre gunna be stuck in the 90s anyway, they might as well have some fun!

Facebook's complexity will be its doom

The Alpha Klutz

you'd think it'd be easy to make friends on a site with 800 million users, but its not, its the opposite. Ive made more friends on forums with ~10 users than I have on Facebook.

it's this ridiculous notion that everyone on earth must either be "your friend" or "not your friend". Its inconcievable, according to Zuckerberg, that there could ever be any middle ground! This encourages an extreme binary seperation between your friends and "everyone else". Because those other people, they suck! You don't want to talk to them. Trust Mark, he knows these things.

LibDems call for gov 'IT skills' office

The Alpha Klutz
Trollface

training in the impact of IT?

Now Jeeves I'm going to hit you over the head with this iPad and I want you to write down your thoughts on the impact, can you do that for me Jeeves?

okay so now we know it hurts more if I hit you with the glass side, that's a very interesting finding, but we need to make sure it's repeatable. Run down to the store and buy another dozen iPads chop chop.

While you're there I'll wheel the racks over to the window for the next round of tests. Which was your car Jeeves?

Second-hand E-m@iler spews old emails, passwords

The Alpha Klutz

£7?

someone got shafted.

Facebook: 'We don't track logged-out users'

The Alpha Klutz
Mushroom

get with the times

my dentist uses semtex and c4

Facebook suggests sharing everything all the time

The Alpha Klutz
Megaphone

you don't get it

Facebook don't want to sell your data anymore, nobody wants your data anyway, except maybe the odd opportunist criminal. No, their plan is now much bigger.

Their plan is actually to control you at the emotional level, to do what Facebook's clients want, for profit.

Let me explain. Human behaviour is a product of human social interactions. Human social interactions are now mediated by Facebook. If they want you to buy more, they turn down the relevance of your non-spendthrift friends. Where relevance is a literal integer, the value of which genuinely and in real life controls how many of your friend's messages get through to you and at what time after they were posted. Turn the relevance down, and the non-relevant person becomes a non-person.

Facebook's algorithms therefore impose on real life a new model of behaviour.

It gets worse.

Now applications (application is code for 'Facebook client company') are given actual permission to fabricate your firends communications with you. Fabricate means make up. Make up to say "I have just spent a lot of money on a product that I think you should buy". This can be done either explicitly or just as effectively using subtle psychological tricks such as picturing your friends next to expensive products (try and stop your brain from assuming they own them, ooops, you can't).

Why do you need user data, when you can cut that part out and just control the users directly? You think it's hard? LOL get 750 million people together in a group and they will do anything. Especially if you tell them their friends are doing it.

But it still gets worse.

Now thanks to Facebook people have a new set of parameters by which to define friendship. An artifical set of paramets invented by marketing companies and Facebook, designed to fit computational models of the economy. Economic models of people, not psychological ones. The upshot is we will all suffer from horrible life changing mental illnesses, but at least Mark is rich.

This social control phenomenon also constitutes a full and complete explanation of the August riots. Anyway don't worry about it, just remember to drink Dr Pepper brand cola. What's the worst that could happen?

The Alpha Klutz

luckily for me

I've always found it more pleasurable with Zuckerberg watching through a hole in my wardrobe door.

TalkTalk still the most whinged about telco

The Alpha Klutz
Terminator

there's something inherently slimey about most telcos tbh

WE GIVE U GUD DEAL U SIGN NOW!

Windows 8 secure boot would 'exclude' Linux

The Alpha Klutz

It's a crying shame, but somehow I'm sure there will always be a market in motherboards that aren't crippled in this way.

Such a move would also create a new market in high quality firmware cracking tools just as there are already high quality Microsoft cracking tools. 'High Quality' means that they work and are not malicious, which is ironic because the copy protection mechanisms that they remove often do not work (self evidently) and are malicious (you're basically being spied on).

Inevitably though such firmware lockout schemes will make it into the millions of low quality computers that Dell and Acer must be selling at cost price these days. All Microsoft has to do is offer them another couple of dollars off Windows and the temptation to screw their customers would be overpowering as usual.

There is probably a market for this kind of thing in set top boxes and the like, when manufacturer's want to sell their hardware as a loss leader, and don't want some "scum" "bag" installing a proper OS on it and using it as a cheap PC. The Xbox will probably have this new firmware in it. But then the Xbox also breaks 5 times a day so there you have it.

Hackers break SSL encryption used by millions of sites

The Alpha Klutz

we need something other than general purpose web browsers

for secure traffic.

Using a general purpose web browser to do your banking is getting to be like cleaning your teeth with a shotgun. We need something much less powerful, with much more emphasis on safety.

We need simple 'banking clients', based on the best available encryption technology, and everytime that technology gets patched, your client breaks until you download the update. Your bank should rightfully be seen as negligent if they too do not upgrade ASAP (yes, that means someone at the bank actually has to do some WORK once in a while, sorry to break it to you like that). It is a deriliction of duty to use the same shit that doesn't work for decades, then sit on your hands and blame everyone else when it goes wrong.

Yes you can bitch and moan about having to install constant updates, but this is security we're talking about, not some fucking parlor game.

A web browser is like a pub, different pubs are good for different reasons, but none of them are good for banking. Thats why you go to your local BANK, if they're not too busy closing it down so the CEO can pocket another hundred million.

So in summary, bankers are the only people in the world who can afford to take on such a software project, and they're still not going to.

which means the government has to do it, which means, guess what, that'll be another billion taxes straight to Microsoft. Maybe Microsoft should just buy HMRC. And, 25 years later, they might come up with some dicky bullshit software based on a phone tablet toaster PC that you can use on your flower arranging table on the moon. And it'll only cost a million pounds in the UK and 3 dollars in the US.

Ballmer: Windows Phone can win third place in mobile!

The Alpha Klutz
Facepalm

""""I won't say I'm not saying I love where we are, but I'm very optimistic to where I think we can be," Ballmer said. "I think with a little bit more effort, a little bit more energy, the level of enthusiasm from the customer base is high enough we've just got to kick this thing to the next level. And I think we're in absolute good shape in order to be a very strong third ecosystem in the smart phone world.""""

The last time I heard incoherent ramblings this bad, they were coming from Charlie Sheen.

A-level results accidentally put on interwebs a week early

The Alpha Klutz

"Why is it always pretty girls attached to articles about A-Level results?"

It's a subtle clue that there is something our society values more than grades.

A-levels? Or T&A-levels?

Rogue character space tripped Scottish exam results

The Alpha Klutz

they got their results a day early?

the world is turning to absolute shit!

Zuck's sister leaves Facebook to start new venture

The Alpha Klutz

"they feel like they can say whatever they want behind closed doors."

She's right you know.

You're not allowed to say whatever you want at school, and you're not allowed to say whatever you want at work, so why do you think you can do it at home? Is your home a special place where you can say anything you like? No. So buck up and act right, scum bag!

The Alpha Klutz
Angel

new business will be a poo poo failure

let's watch!

what is groundbreaking media work, anyway? is that when your shitty media start-up goes broke and your entire staff end up in the ditch digging/grave digging professions?

Entering a storage jail

The Alpha Klutz

I just don't buy in to media as a service

I want my digital media files to be stored on my hardware. Regardless of from whom I choose to purchase that hardware or when I choose to upgrade it. I may only have a licence agreement, but it's a music file that I am manipulating, not a legal document. The licence needs to reflect the reality of how we use the entity to which it relates.

The rights industry is failing because lawyers are so consistent in their failure to understand how normal people interact with the world. They just don't get it. It would be nice, for a change, to read a legal document that's not written in the style of a reductionist postmortem analysis of some Dickensian fantasy town where everything ran on metric time and people had 10 limbs a piece. A place where people were no doubt so busy drinking pond water that they failed to see their own reflections in it.

That's what a lawyer is picturing in his mind's eye when you ask him how he spent his weekend. Naturally these are the people who rule us, with a limp but toxic fist of confusion and mental regression. And now they want your music collection too. They know that music helps the mind think, and they certainly don't want us doing any of that; it could lead to some sort of peace on earth - what would the lawyers do then?

It would be such a shame if someone with real vision ever got in charge. Better keep on voting to make sure that THAT never happens.

One may buy an amplifier, a set of speakers and a record player. If a year later one has the money to buy a nicer record player, it is entirely possible to swap them over. It should be the same with digital music too.

Google dumps all 11+ million .co.cc sites from its results

The Alpha Klutz

Good idea

These free subdomain services seem to attract spammers and script kiddies like a park bench attracts dog shit.

You could block another 11 million and not loose anything relevant.

Anti-PowerPoint Party vows end to death by slides

The Alpha Klutz
Mushroom

Yes it's true

Schools are actually teaching kids to write their talk out in condensed bullet point, 'PowerPoint', format *first*, and then extrapolate the details out *later*, 'on the fly', when they present the talk.

You only need half a brain to know that's backwards. Kids are actually being ordered to 'wing it'. If they disobey that order (and it is an order, in the absolute pettiest sense), they are expelled. Sorry, 'given the choice to leave school', as it is now called. (Ask the parents of any recently expelled child).

And then we wonder why no one respects the British work force. People who behave this way do not deserve respect. They don't even deserve self respect. And they will get neither.

I mean, how does one arrive at the condensed version of something before they've bothered to finish the full version? You've not got a summary, you've got unfinished work. I never give credit for unfinished work. (But schools do, indeed they insist on it). This is yet another example of how schools are enslaving the minds of todays youth. Completely on purpose I might add.

If you are going to sit there and crow about how great schools are in the UK, I dare you to visit one and see for yourself what happens in 2011. I double dare you.

UK will obey Euro unisex-insurance rules from 2013

The Alpha Klutz
Big Brother

sounds good to me

just because "average" men are reckless assholes, doesn't mean I should be forced to pay reckless asshole insurance premiums.

How is it fair for people to make assumptions about the way I drive, without ever taking the trouble to actually watch me drive and see how I do it? Sounds like pre-crime to me. Of course, I must be guilty of being a bad driver; it's in my genetics. Maybe we should purge the faulty genes too?

Ask yourself this: Would you be happy if you got a speeding ticket every time anyone of your gender broke the speed limit? Would you be happy if you were locked up, because someone else, whom you've never met, ran someone over? The only connection being that you and the actual perpetrator are the same age?

How would you like it? Not very much I suspect. But don't worry, you'll get to find out for real. It's called Policing by Numbers, and it might be too late to save your sanity but it's not too late to save your soul. Let those who love statistics so much, see where it takes them.

New plan: Send humans into space, keep the robots on Earth

The Alpha Klutz
Thumb Up

so if you get to the ISS and realise you left the iron on

you can send a robot to turn it off.

There's also huge potential for astronaughts changing terrestrial lightbulbs. It could be a 24 hour on-demand service, call the number and a big angry robot will come and change your lightbulbs. Whether you want it to or not, which obviously you do since you called the number.

And the robot will wear a large pink cowboy hat and it will play the trombone really fast. Space exploration is so cool.

MS advises drastic measures to fight hellish Trojan

The Alpha Klutz

"I think that would soon get me in trouble, would it not?"

Probably not. The fine folks at trading standards will just sit on their thumbs. Which is easy for them because they have 5 on each hand.

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