Posts by Hate2Register

Canadian cops cry for BlackBerry wiretap

If this article is true....

If this article is true.... then why did the French government warn employees about sending sensitive data over blackberries?

And is the blackberry "enterprise server" is hard to crack? How could you possibly know?

If all Blackberry data goes through North America, I would suggest that government eavesdropping, if it doesn't already take place, is just a matter of time.

Haven't you jaded hacks ever heard of ECHELON?

Sometimes I think you guys barely read those press releases before cut-and-pasting them onto our screens..

Microsoft 24 hours late with IE8 pwn protection

My chips are sacred...

Nobody in this world knows or has written all the lines of code that run on their computer. It's trust that allows me to put sensitive information on my computer. Trust that Microsoft isn't recording my keystrokes, trust that my girlfriend hasn't remotely reprogrammed my computer to report on my precious porn collection. Trust that China doesn't routinely hide malware on all computer chips made there and shipped abroad.

So anyone that puts sensitive data on a net connected system will inevitably face the prospect of hackers sharing their secrets. There's even anti-virus for mobile phones now. Scared yet?

I've got the best story though. I saw a microwave oven whose chips had been hacked so that it showed a bomb-threat message on it's screen. Now that's hacking...

(Paris because she would have only the most exclusive viruses.)

Sun banks future on multicore virtualization

That press release was bollocks..

Those great stats you ripped from the press release: "65 per cent are implementing multicore virtualization now, 11 per cent are planning to implement it in the next 12 months, 13 per cent plan to implement it at some time in the future, and 11 per cent have no plans for server virtualization." Wow, that actually adds up to 100%. So nobody doesn't know what it is?

Yeah yeah. That was of the organisations that sent the form back. How about the near 100% of SMBs that don't know what the fück multicore virtualization is.

I've been around computers my whole life and I have absolutely no idea what you are going on about. Mind you, neither do you, or you would have explained it!

Pro-Heathrow demo challenges Carbon Cult killjoys

I am most saddened..

I am most saddened by a glaring spelling mistake in your article. Indeed "bourgeoise" should not have a trailing "e".

Hang your head in shame..

Rail workers get shirty with see-through blouses

Anyone got a picture?

I really want to see a picture of the offending garment. Please someone help with an image of this...

El Reg, for pitys sake get a photogragh...

White Space lobby leaps to Europe

I am so grateful..

..to be educated thusly: "...in the USA, that leaves large swaths of frequency available, if you can avoid interfering with Eastenders."

Wow, I didn't know they had Eastenders in the USA. It says as lot about Americans if they really do watch that show. Hehe.

Watch that white Space!

R2-D2 robots with frikkin lasers on them in development

Crappest headline award.. Finalist.

Scorchio!

Finally, a headline that is almost 100% at odds with the story content. Take out R2D2, lasers, and robots, and what are we left with. Not phalanx or goalkeeper guns. In the main the story is an incisive, insightful piece.

Of bollocks! Hehe.

LaCie showcases hella-expensive display

Yes But..

None of which changes the fact that this diamond-plated turd will break after 13 months, like every other Lacie product I've owned..

Take a hammer to your hard drive, shrieks Which?

How dare our stupid readers try to dispose of their hardware themselves.

How dare stupid idiots like Reg readers try to dispose of or recycle hard drives themselves. Imagine one such dim-wit hitting his own finger. Or picture the horror of getting a glass sliver in one's eye. Don't think that the glass inside a hard drive is inaccessible. One hit with a hammer, and it may escape the case and rush into your eye. Blindness, hurt fingers and even madness can be the only results of such a foolish enterprise.

Instead, use a professional tool provided by our sponsors, which for only £500 or so will have some chance or recovering your data, and without that terrible chance of personal injury.

Now thank us for saving your life.

Piss off.

If I want to securely delete a hard-drive (before recycling) by tapping it with a hammer, there's nothing El Smeg or their crapy data recovery sponsors can do about it.

Oh and stop licking their data recovery arses.

Ha. That told you.

LG confirms 2009 launch for 3G wristphone

2 HOURS talktime!!!

Wow with 2 whole hours talktime, I'll be able to get halfway to town, or have one conversation with my gf, before having to go home to recharge. What will they think of next? USB powered phones? Oh God.

France liberates Jesus Phone from Orange

Not pleased?

" Apple did not immediately respond to a request for their response to the ruling - but we assume they're not pleased. ® "

Nar me old hackster. Apple will be thrilled because everyone will be selling their crappy phone. Notice O2 is losing exclusivity in the UK. Having the iPhone sold exclusively by o2 lent it a chicness for early-adopters, but only those who were happy creating a new 02 account. For others, exclusivity meant denying punters the chance to buy.

They should have had a "select" list of sellers, instead of exclusivity. They would have sold more, while highlighting any fakes coming in from China. Yeah baby!

Snipers - Cowardly assassins, or surgical soldiers?

Some hate journalists in much the same way..

Some hate journalists in much the same way..

Your title is "Snipers - cowardly assassins, or surgical soldiers?", but you only manage to hold to topic for the first page or so. Your real story is a report on sniper's kit.

But I think the lady doth protest too much.

I met a British sniper in Gleneagles train-station bar. I don't think he would be thrilled by your attack on his morals. Thusly I assume that you get in a lot of fights, (in bars I imagine), while drunkenly upholding the pen as mightier than the sword.

Do I make too many assumptions about you? Perhaps I do, just as you do about people who fight and kill in places which would only leave a brown stain in a writer's undergarmentry. Keep writing, I'll watch your career with a little interest.

Paris because to El Reg, there is no other woman.

[You wrote:

"Snipers are nasty, everyone knows that. They hunt people like animals, killing them without giving them a chance to fight or even to surrender. Few soldiers are more hated; even their own armies often seem less than pleased to have them around."]

Nice article, sort of..

No new stuff here. But of interest to peaceniks, techno-mentalists and anyone that hasn't played "America's Army".

But a balanced piece? Maybe, if you see the world in black or white. "Snipers are quite possibly evil psychos, even their friends think so, but anyway here's a breakdown of new kit they might like".

Somebody pointed out that a steerable bullet is a nice-but-dim dream. And the more I think about it the truer that sounds. So perhaps El Reg is falling for the press release that claims that American arms are the best in the world, even the arms that are physically impossible.

So where exactly was the article going? Moo-moo land?

No icon because you only have a few to choose from and they're all the same.

Retro piracy - Should the Royal Navy kick arse?

Doom & Gloom

The article makes a lot of headway in discussing what ships we have, and why they're not suitable for pirate-hunting. But it forgets to mention what kind of ships ARE suitable for this kind of work. Also, you can't expect Navy bods not to bemoan the running down of our Navy. I can't remember (from Janes or Wikipaedia) any of our ships being capable of much in excess of 30 knots. So unless we fire a missile at them, perhaps merchent ships should be fitted with protection. Sound wave blasters and Goalkeeper gatling guns should do the trick. End of problem.

Oz watchdogs howl over 'Cyber-Safety' net filter

OMG

I know that Margaret Thatcher commands a dark horde of fetishist admirers (in denial, mostly), and am amused (nay, rolling in the aisles) that you, the author, equate nice wholesome family surfing with the Iron Maiden herself. You dark horse you!

Microsoft, Apple trumpet bevy of critical vulns

Red assed monkeys

I like my idea of sandbox computing, where non-operating system applications and code are run in a sandbox (virtual OS), such that vulnerabilities cannot affect the kernel. The days of allowing programs complete & exclusive access to hardware (or filesystems) must surely be threatened, given that when I do, I spend half my life worrying about being riddled by malcode.

Anyway, there is no such thing as real user loyalty in computing. The OS that delivers the best, most secure exzperience will get my business. Mac(donalds) and Windose are both mass market rubbish. The sooner I can have my computer write it's own operating system the better.

Symantec swoops on Messagelabs

Yes well... another quality startup will be ruined...

Symantec is a very big software company, as you write. You forgot to mention that it is also a very crap software company.

We all remember the fantastic Norton Utilities and Norton Antivirus, that made our computers run better in the 80s and 90s. Since bought by Symantec, the product quality has come crashing downwards. It's a shame that software giants find it impossible to focus on what people actually want. And if Norton was not bundled with a trillion computers in stores, no-one would buy it at all.

It's a damn shame.

Lithium-ion battery beater to debut in 'major' laptop release

That than

"a better rechargeable battery solution that lithium-ion"..

Oh good. That lithium ion. A harder word to type that than.

:)

Anti-Kremlin website owner shot dead in police custody

Reluctant despots

Disidency (sic) is not an end in itself. As for "reluctant leaders", perhaps you mean like Emperor Tiberius, who wrote at some length how he was forced to wield power he didn't believe in. His reign was no fairer or less corrupt than anyone elses. A lot was written deploring the state of moral decay, but nothing was changed. And Tiberius chose as his successors Nero and Caligula, famously bad choices, so the choice of the "reluctant leader" is no better than anyone elses'.

Sounds like you're getting depressed. Perhaps you need a holiday.

@ Anonymouse Coward

"We really shouldn't go appeasing Putin here over Georgia, and certainly can't trust him to deliver our energy supplies."

I don't think Europe (or the Yankee Doodle Dandies) are appeasing Russia. Do you?

We can't really trust anyone to deliver cheap and reliable energy, which is why we must become energy self-sufficient.

Putin is Mugabe

It seems to me that Putin and Mugabe are brothers in the fight against evil Western hegemonic liberal capitalism. That would be us, then.

Putin is really becoming a evil bogey man. I hope he reconsiders his strategy.

Pillar rains on EMC's parade

Wow, a real story at last..

Wow, a real story at last..

"Chuck Hollis, VP for tech alliances at EMC, reckons EMC's CX4 delivers 70 per cent of its raw capacity to users as usable capacity and pooh-poohs HP EVA and NetApp FAS arrays for only delivering 48 per cent and 34 per cent respectively in the same Exchange scenario."

Only joking! This is a boring story about two companies arguing about per cent usability. You really should throw away some of those press releases that land on your desk.

Philippine troops battle rampaging MILFs

Dear Sir..

Dear Sir,

As a long term reader of your formerly esteemed publication, since 1899, I am appalled and dismayed by your use of the term "MILF" as an acronym to describe Philipino armed gangs. As many on the titternet will know, some raging sex addicts like to describe some women as "Mothers I'd like to Fuck", an appaling and deeply offensive slur against all non-mothers.

Please cancel my subscription forthwith. I am not amused.

:)

Meet the UK's most spammed man

Bottom Feeders!

No punishment is too great for spammers. I personally endorse a ritual humiliation involving stocks and thrown rotten vegetables, followed by torture and eventually, death. After that, the dead body would be skinned and bits of it used to decorate Britain's royal castles and cities, as a deterrent to others.

Bavaria sanctions police spyware

Add Bavaria to the list...

So it's Austria and Bavaria now who do state-sanctioned malware. Are you gonna do a list, maybe with a pretty map, so that we can plan our holidays accordingly. Maybe graphics isn't El Reg's strong point, but a list of countries...

Ofcom flashes cash guarantees at BT for fibre investment

High-speed broadband, AND aircraft carriers!

Aircraft carriers are cool to watch on youtube, and they will project force or aid boxes around the world in a useful way. Superfast broadband is also cool, and needed so that Reg readers can cruise HD porn on t'internet. In the best traditions of "having my cake..", I would like aircraft carriers AND a high speed, connection. I for one would watch aircraft carriers pounding Robert Mugabe in high-def youtube glory.

Consider yourself Moderatrixed

What are you banging on about?

This sort of reporting is quite beyond me. have fun!

Eurofighter at last able to drop bombs, but only 'austerely'

Replace passenger jets with Stealth Planes.. Cooool!

Any Eurofighters not used by the RAF can be sold to Saudi Arabia or Greece or Japan or Austria or any other country which would like some aerial backbone. Once this spending period is out of the way, some more helis for the boys in Afghanistan would be welcome.

I know you think an indiginous Euro-Fighter is not really required, since we could buy American. I disagree with that analysis, nor should a supercruise high-altitude bat like the Typhoon be compared to a Stealth Bomber. An American General (apparently the only guy to have flown both a F22 and a Typhoon) said that it's like comparing a Nascar to an Formula 1. Not a useful comparison.

Although anyone living in the hills in Scotlands will attest to being occasionally annoyed by the RAF's low-level training (stealth would be .. quieter maybe). At least the RAF will be flying a plane partly designed by them, with their needs in mind. That should count for something.

And the Eurofighter is popular with pilots. It can beat any plane flying (some even outnumbered 3:1), and will save a lot of arses on the ground, if the ground combat role is sorted as promised. So pipe down and get with the program. If you're so worried about helicopters, have an office whip-round. Otherwise wait for the funds like everyone else. Sheesh..

Brown pledges annual commons debate on surveillance

Vote for me!

Yes citizens - a vote for me is a vote for you! While you're at it, why not give me all your money, and cheer while I take over the world. Hooray!

DARPA working on T-ray spyeye spectacle tech

Aliens in my tea..

You guys realy do write some rubbish sometimes. I mean, sub-millimeter waves, which you admit are almost impossible to use given existing tech, are suddenly important in finding the Holy Grail and sheding light on the existence of Jesus' girlfriend.

Really, you guys are the end. If alien stories were more fashionable, you would write stories about crop circles and how they appear on google maps. Oops, you already do.

I suppose that's what happens when you try to make a boring IT week a bit more interesting. Haha.

AVG scanner blasts internet with fake traffic

Off with their heads!

I agree with Aditya Krishnan that AVG should not be pinging sites with gay abandon, skewing traffic (and making it look like I'm visiting sites that I'm not). George Forth points out that if you go into AVG options and turn off the Linkscanner, AVG puts a permanent error message in the system tray.

Aditya's suggestion that AVG compare search results with a database of bad sites is a sound one.

This revelation could sink AVG's reputation if they don't fix it soon...

[an otherwise loyal (ha) AVG user]

Edinburgh Fringe ticket site dead as a parrot

IT policy for public-facing twitnets

Come to think of it, the Reg comment system doesn't accept even low grade html or formatting. How crap is that? Must be broken.

Vulture eyes dead parrot sketch..

.. it's inevitable really, that El Reg would see a dead parrot as the finest in haute cuisine.

US town tells Street View to push off

Well, maybe

EU privacy concerns will only come into play if Google actually put StreetView data up for European areas. As of this moment, London and Oxford don't even have a Streetview button.

EU begins formal probe into US gambling ban

I bet the US lose!

Of course the US will lose. Nobody beats Europe. We (and our friends in Canada, Asia, Africa and South America), RULE the world.

Of course we could pretend that you've beaten us. That would be slightly fun. Slightly.

British newspaper websites liable in France for privacy invasion

Even if I did it, you shouldn't talk of it.

Ok so it's not a case of public interest. But if UK press and readers are interested in who the Franglais are shagging, then we have a right to publish it. The clear way forward for our proud gutter press is to punish these foreign johnnies by publishing a stream of copy about how the truth of their sexy antics might be dangerously hidden behind French privacy laws, and how while we respect their law, it doesn't apply in the UK. Freedom of sexy speech, if you will.

To make an example of these skulking shagging deniers, Mirror group should investigate their sexual history, and write up any embaressing sexual infections, illegitimate children etc. to help bring the story of French sexuality fully out into the open. I'm not surprised that the French cover up their sex lives. The truth might have an effect on their sexual reputation like the implications the Croque Monsieur (french cheese and ham toastie) should have on their "culinary supremacy".

Paris Hilton wouldn't deny "doing it", so why should the French be special and get away with hiding behind privacy.

French police bust 22 youths in alleged hacking network

Sir, you are a script kiddy

If "hackers" these days don't know about using proxies or anonymisers to leave fake chat room trails, then perhaps they would better be adverted as 'kiddy hackers', or 'kackers' for short. hmm

Yet another hole found in BT Wi-Fi router

"The typical Reg reader should have no trouble with security.."

I'll give you a bagel, might go with the brown nose you've got up my butt.

Reg readers split on Vista readiness

it's a cop out

Tell me something I don't already know.

Trillian blighted by security bug trio

Gives us something to chat about..

Although Trillian users are a bit like ICQ users - they are all like my dad. So a bit of porno-disguised malware will probably go unnoticed.

Garage sale genius juices software-hawking eBayers

Ebay sheebay

But will the cloud storage sprites at ebay re-instate our hero's account?

Pants purveyor punts handset-holding undies

Silly, you should wear men's ones with a phone holder on the arse.

Oh yeah, feel it..

MI5 spy wife was Formula One chief's Teutonic thrash tart

Oddity, ALLCAPS and newcomers.

Welcome to El Reg. The weirder you are, the better you'll fit in..

Scandalous.. if it's true

Since this story is probably made up, that's ok. But if it's true, a big IF, then the security agent's wife should get a medal. Our beleaguered security services always try to have a man on the inside. In this case, it was "our woman on the inside", and she was shagging the suspect. That is good, dedicated service. And from a unpaid volunteer, it's a sterling contribution. And now her husband is fired because he was less than forthcoming about his wife's secret volunteer work. What did the damm trotsky liberal government expect. That his wife would shag to <emphasis> their <unemphasis> order. Who's in charge of this shambles. They have to be sacrificed to Rome, straight away. And if El Reg doesn't start a angry crusade against this anti-sex government, then, all you jaded hacks will never get laid again.

It's the middle class bloody arses in charge at the moment can't take the heat, they should resign. They'll be banning porn and cigarettes next. Off with their heads.

@marsbarMan

Scared of "spies with military backgrounds". Don't make me laugh. I know some of them. Stevens might be a pansy cop, but at least he's OUR pansy cop. I called my goldfish Quest. He might have been honest and called it "the cities of gold".

You talk as if truth is an occupational hazard. Who have you been shagging?

Yorkshire police head off pillow fight anarchy

I'm, like, sort-of laughing.

Classic soundbite: "there'll be a situation we'll be unable to sort of police.."

"Sort-of" policing is a new government initiative aimed at removing police from our streets. It will be followed by phase two, which will be the roll-out of "sort-of" government. Some would say that this policy is already successful, as we've had a sort-of government for years already.

NATO primes cyber defence centre in Estonia

Not a scoop, Beeb beats Buzzard!

Indeed, the <a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7401260.stm">piece</a> at Auntie adds some nice background saga to the story. El Reg keeps to accusing the Estonians of cashing in on the crisis, and pointing out that the World has this sort of thing on it's agenda anyway, what with global cyber security conferences and the like.. Interesting.

Britain trains animals in cyber defence.

Now that's a scoop. At least the animals would have carefree surfing. Humans don't seem to matter as much to this governent as their telex-room meetings.

DVD smut malware blights US forces in Iraq

Privates of Porn

Well maybe, if you don't want your "memory" stick infected, you should watch where you stick it. Blaming the poor Iraqis for squaddies' scrot rot is really below the belt.

"Yeah, my guys are all clean as a whistle, but obviously the Iraqis are infected with all sorts of nasty infections. So when I try and download some #MAPS# or other #BATTLEFIELD GRAPHICS#, that, like, I asked the Iraqis for, they, like, seem to infect me with the same virus. But before I was so clean. Ask anyone. Ask my wife."

Anyway, I've seen Arab porn before. It's crap. Get your own porn boyo.

Another comedy moment from El Reg. Or was it made up?