Posts by 88mm a.k.a. Minister for Misbehaviour

Don't buy your iPad in a McDonald's car park

That's no iPad

it's Amazonian Kindle(ing)

mine's the Ray Mears Ventile one.

Boffins fix dead satellite using 'dirty hack' in space

The ESA Goonshow (Nightshift Edition) - apologies to Spike, Python, Tarentino et al

Under the erratic glow from the wind-powered monitor screens, everything looks like a 1980's disco in Zagreb with a candle in a shoebox for a strobelight. Two nightshift operators are surfing Anonymous Ethiopia and Justin Beiber's Facebook page respectively.

Goon 1 - "Apparently Anon have just declared open season on Oxfam. They're claiming some child trafficking and arms money laundering deal where Oxfam have been trading Land Cruisers for AK47s, kids and soap.

Goon 2 - "Everyone knows Anon is a CIA funded op. Looks like someone is getting burned. Toyota was the spooks company car of choice and like they say, "We don't forgive. "We don't forget". <Both LOL>

Goon 2 - But What the fuck do Oxfam want with AK47's? …

Goon 1 - It doesn't say, perhaps it's a smoke screen for the 4x4s. You know, with the number of arms shipments these days what's one more container of small arms? But a ship load of brand new Land Cruisers, well. That's bound to get some Somali pirates' attention.

<Short silence while Goon 2 ignores the fact that non of the above made any sense>

Goon 2 - It says here Beiber has brought out a new shade of nail varnish. I'm guessing that last batch was contaminated when the last round of HARRP instigated Pacific Rim earthquakes disrupted the varnish response frequency. It's like the Recco avalanche detectors only for mini-skirted jail bait.

<Sound of a Submarine Klaxxon accompanies a barely visible red icon on the large plasma that says Defcon 1>

Goon 1 - <High pitched Harry Secombe silly voice> "The satellite is down!"

Goon 2 - <Rimmer - Red Dwarf voice> "Aliens." "Aliens or a virus, it's always Aliens or a virus"

Goon 1 - "The last time you said that it was 'cause you couldn't get a GPS signal in the basement…

Goon 2 - "Aliens or virus or Anonymous…or Lulzsec. Or the NSA"

Goon 1 - "You left out MI6, GCHQ and CESG"

Goon 2 - "No I didn't. That lot are too busy watching Nigella box-sets and dribbling down their OTP sheets." <Breathless Nigella voice> "Dust the semtex over the cupcakes for a surprise he won't forget. Cherries are optional" <Sexy cherry filled pout mime to imaginary camera>

Still Goon 2 - "That's it! I just need to modify the cupcake recipe so my GPS will work in basements."

Goon 1 - "You're so full of it…

Goon 2 - "No seriously. It's dependant on cake decorations from China of course, particularly those little silver ball things." "It's the high heavy metal content that makes it possible for AWACs to track al-Qaeda in bunkers" ..."God knows what will be possible with Japanese baking products."

Goon 1 - "I quite like those ball things. I feel like a pinball wizard, pushing them around with my tongue" <starts singing> "How do you think he does it?"

Goon 2 - "What the fuck were we talking about?"

<…Long pause..>

Goon 1 - "The SAMBA satellite service is down!"

Goon 2 - "But GIMP, ToR and BACKTRACK are OK? Right, fire-up the Quattro and launch db_autopwn via the ToR end-point over Haiwai. There'll be no HARRP interference as the Bilderburg group are having their Bang-a-Hulu Con there this weekend.

Goon 1 - "2 sessions but it's waiting to finish. I think it's hung"

Goon 2 - HD Moore, another CIA stooge! Fuck it, switch to the GIMP!"

Goon 1 - <Dead Parrot Sketch Palin voice> But the Gimp's sleeping. He's dormant!"

Goon 2 - <DedZed> "Well then, I guess your just going to have to wake him now aren't you?"

<The GIMP process had been suspended after the photo manipulation of Bin Laden's "assassination" debacle.>

Goon 1 - <Dr Frankenstein - Gene Wilder Version> "It's alive!"

Goon 2 - "Great, now bring up those CCTV images of Dominique Strauss-Kahn"

Goon 1 - "The one's where he's buggering the maid or the… other ones?"

Goon 2 - <Ominously> "The other ones"

<Uncensored images of DSK mounting a hog-tied Justin Beiber while a pig in a maid's outfit looks on appear on the plasma screen>

Goon 2 - Right, add in Bin Laden and Obama then add it to Fox News' hacked tweet account.

Goon 1 - Done! How's this going to help again?

Goon 2 - The resulting surge of internet traffic will start a net one-way electron-flow causing the earth's polarity to flip.

Goon 1 - Right, and how's that going to help.

Goon 2 - <sigh> It won't, but we'll blame the resulting DDoS on Lulzsec.

Goon 1 - "Riiight… and SAMBA?"

Goon 2 - oh yeah, I nearly forgot. Use the GIMP's backdoor to tunnel a session across to the SAMBA satellite.

Goon 1 - "and then?"

Goon 2 - "upload GreaseMonkey and use the 'request some more print toner' script. Samba is configured to shutdown when no-one is printing."

Drink 8 bottles of wine, you'll be unharmed if hit by Mike Tyson

in Training

Based on the proven alcoholic's limit of 2 to 3 bottles of spirit/day, let's take a small bottle of Beefeater vs an export strength bottle of Absolute to determine the approximate "Safe" alcohol blood level for our trained athlete.

2 x 0.75l @ 37.5% = 562.5ml of pure alcohol/day*

3 x 1.00l @ 50% = 1500ml of pure alcohol/day

To err on the side of caution let's assume an alcoholic's day lasts the full 24 hours.

That gives us a conservative intake of 1litre/day or 41.666666667ml/hr

...So, 8 bottles (that's 10 and a half Imperial Pints) of Red:

8 x 0.75ml @ 12.5% (Piss weak Rioja) = 750ml of pure alcohol

8 x 0.75ml @ 14.5% (Aussie Shiraz) = 870ml of pure alcohol

So for any self respecting functioning alcoholic this presents no problem**

*For our American cousins these figures are by volume, not proof which is just double up macho bullshit. Seriously, can anyone explain the logic behind "110% proof"?

**Any self respecting alco-fiend has a repeat script*** for a generic branded proton-pump inhibiter for ulcer prevention. (Especially a financially astute wine taster who prefers a daily 6 litre carton of gut-rot-de-rhone). Re: volume i.e. 6000ml, any medical student will tell you that 10 1/2 pints is an embarrassingly low amount).

***Health Warning: Long term use of PPI may cause hair loss, B Vitamin deficiency and loss of bone density. This may be solved by wearing a corked hat and eating lots of cheese after your daily BBQ

Paris - because she can treat my ulcer any time.

Supreme Court: DNA database retention regs are unlawful

Totalitarian State or Nectar Points

As a human being born free the thought that as a law abiding citizen my person can be abused in such a way is abhorrent. As a right wing Tory bigot from the throw away the key school of prison management all would be criminals should be tagged at birth. (And they are!). But there is no statute (or if there is it is ignored) that lays out how the DNA (or any other Government database for that matter) may be used/abused in the future. Our recent census records are no longer under the sacrosanct 100 year rule but are considered likely to be sifted and pertinent information sold on to whoever feels the need to pay for it. This already happens with the DVLA database (£2.4m last year) and if a recent cold caller is to be believed, the Child Protection Register too. That's right, as a parent of a disabled child, my son is on the 'At Risk Register'. Nice huh! Nothing like consolidation for efficiency. I will be putting in an FOI request soon to see if there is any truth to this particular allegation. Don't forget, your DNA can mark you out as a bad life insurance/mortgage risk and Lord knows what else. When your ballot paper voting is recorded via barcode and the high priests and priestesses of the EU sit unelected it would be nice to have at least some safe guards for the DNA database et al but I'm not holding my breath. Mandatory Swine flu vaccinations are next, watch this space. Resistance is not futile.

Paris (always) because she can sample my DNA anytime.

Facebook fails webmail tests

Steel hinge & catch

May I recommend a Miele. It is the only brand to my knowledge where the door release doesn't break after 12 months and require a teaspoon to open.

Cross-dresser kills goat while high on bath salts

Forced Puns

Just what kind of bath salt?

'Rock' salt, 'Mineral' salt, 'Dead' sea salt, Salt 'scrub', Salt 'Solution'

...and what kind of goat?

'Orange coloured goat', 'Sacrificial' goat. 'Nanny' goat

Today it was announced that an angry man dressed in stockings believed he had the solution when thinking on the hoof he sacrificed his nanny while playing with his minerals in order to get his rocks off with a scrubber.

An eye witness was heard to say something Orangey may have been involved although it was unconfirmed whether the accused is a Tory MP

Paris (always) - because she knows what salty solutions taste like

Richard Branson to prowl oceans' hadal depths in flying sub

Congratulations

Dear Sir,

We are pleased to be able to tell you that you have been accepted into our Concrete RUs Hades Test Pilot Program. Our assessment team noted your positive can-do attitude and we're sure you will go far*.

Once again Congratulations!

Sincerely,

Paris Hilton CEO - CRUSH Test Pilot Program

*Well, at least 350 at any rate

Ignoramus

F1 may consume a host of the earth's resources but is enjoyed around the world by a peak audience of 527 million people. The technology developed is probably 2nd only to that created during a large war and has arguably greater trickle-down benefits. Petrol engines are still becoming more efficient each year thanks to F1 developed technology.

Sure he maybe a showman with questionable PR habits but really, "shit on the rest of us"? He's taken on Murdoch's SKY SHAT and provides the fasted fibre broadband of anyone. Have you flown Virgin Atlantic? Their economy class is almost as good as Air France premium economy and makes BA look like the terrible fat and lazy airline they are.

He is an example of what capitalism is capable of and who else is going to develop space tech. The UK doesn't even have a space program and the EU's is shit.

Paris - because at least she has a clue

Your census data will be kept secret - except from MI5, police, courts etc

Why is there no organised civil disobediance boycott?

As if wasting half a billion quid weren't enough they go and hire 100 more staff #census http://bit.ly/h55isu

I once helped my Mum deliver the census forms because I believe in the need to plan for schools, hospitals and that (there was payment involved too). Now reliant on disablity services for my child of course it still matters to me. BUT... there's government online, NHS records, PAYE, DVLA et al. If the information is any use, it's only of use if the dots are joined up and the current census questions really are lame. Why the hell are they spending an estimated half billion for what may very well be the last and most pointless census ever?

They have designed purple origami buses and done a great job in showing the disconnect in their feathered brains.

I for one have taken the Libyan rebel approach, burnt my code and placed the rest of the form in the recycling like a good citizen. The £1000 fine? Would hardly be noticed along side my internet shopping habit but a criminal record wouldn't be great in my line of work.

So if I'm in when they knock on my door (likely as I'm a home worker) we'll just have to see how much of a rebel I really am.

Paris - 'cause she's got more sense

Channel Islands VAT loophole shut, petrol prices cut

Muppets

This truly is a country of Muppets. All this whining about petrol prices when beer is more expensive.

Paris - 'cause even she has more sense

Digesting the Budget: First-belch reactions

influenced by too much editing

watching the jeremy kyle show that is Jamie's Dream School... those kids are the legacy of multiple governments' (and 3rd generation welfare addiction) failings. My feet wouldn't have touched the ground at prep school if I talked like that to a teacher. 6 of the slipper, 6 of the cane, expulsion.

- Simples.

Whilst teaching college is a viable alternative to Art college and class sizes remain so high, we will never catch up with China and India. It is my fear we will only regret this once we can't even catch up with Vietnam. The only budget I want to hear is a refusal to pay the EU any more cash, and the sound of a ripped up human rights act... then health & safety red-tape and insurance companies and their lawyers can be sent to Libya to learn the error of their ways.

Paris - 'cause she likes 6 of the best

Oracle kills Sun.com after starvation diet

Sun Docs

Yay! This was on the OpenSolaris twitter feed...

OTN_Garage List of all #Sundocs migrated to OTN, with part numbers. Google "<part-num> site: oracle.com" to find your doc: http://bit.ly/eePgy5

Makes you wonder about the human race, how we seem determined to take retrograde steps. Betamax vs. VHS, Microsoft vs. {INSERT COIN}, Bazooka Bubblegum vs. Hubba Bubba

Seriously if ZFS isn't around in 10 years I'm going to be seriously pissed off.

Paris - 'cause the SUN still shines out of her arse even when up on consecutive drug charges

Microsoft says 'sorry' after Japan quake marketing gaffe

This is the Modern World

Me me me - I have rather a large chip on my shoulder when it comes to these sorts of business practices. I perceive them as a violent assault on my birthright as the world seemed a more friendly place in the 70s. Because of this I don't buy from conglomerates whenever I can help it but it COSTS. Voting with your wallet is far more powerful than the ballot box. When sheeple wake up to this it'll make the Middle East look like... well it won't stop the bloodshed so I'll stop the analogy there but you get my drift.

- Paris 'cause I bet she likes (The) Jam

Apple fanbois leak secrets of Mac OS X Lion

Slow mouse

I like the windows resizing from any side corner, I really do. It will save me quite a few man hours over the course of a year and help reduce my forearm trigger-points. But have they found a way to speed up the mouse before logging in on a multi-user system. Seriously, I have a 30" display and the mouse pointer is up on the top left corner before logging in. It takes about 5 strokes of my trackball just to reach the centre of the screen.

Paris, because she knows balls about stroking Jobs

iPhone 'Death Grip' effect is real, plastic cases don't help

Gadaffi has WMD... but they still have to be mixed* - I think he forgot to pay someone!

How is it when you touch an old fashioned VHF antenna the signal improves but this effect is reversed on a phone? In fact everyone knows by now that remote car unlockwidgets have a longer range when held to the head. And in another story... my old Audi manual stated not to use a mobile phone inside the car without an external antenna as the signal was increased to dangerous levels within the car.

Paris, because I've seen her MIMO

*Some people don't get innuendo, so... Claiming WMD is just a convenience to excuse military action and excuse not getting involved in countries without oil.

FOSS maven says $29 'Freedom Box' will kill Facebook

Bulletproof photo/financial record/birth certificate repository

Free online storage services such as dropbox, Virgin Media's 'stuff' etc provide no guarantee as to the actual integrity/availability of the data. Hell, even massive commercial cloud based services aren't using RAID class drives, ECC RAM or ZFS. But an eSATA (USB is FAR too slow) disk/nas formatted with ZFS and using rSync for offline backup with my family & friends... well, that's what I'm building. Now, if I can persuade my neighbours to join in wirelessly, I can have distributed off-line/off-grid storage and be part of Cameron's Big Society :-P.

2TB Wireless, MobileMe connected Time Capsules maybe pricey but when John Lewis are selling them to middle-aged, middle-class to people like my parents...

People are actively looking for alternatives to Facebook and some people just refuse to use it, it's only a matter of time before something better replaces it.

Paris, because she'll rSync with anyone.

Virgin Media busts £1bn a quarter

How dare you Sir!

All my downloading is Rainbow Tables, repeatedly. Now is that clear!!!

- Paris because she knows how to go 'down' and 'load'

Millennium bugs hit stock exchange

Linux is balls

I understand the ball that goes up at the start of trading is controlled by Ubuntu. I guess that's a form of real-time system if it has knack all else to do but at least once it failed due to a full log partition/poor build. Funny how often that happens. Frankly for my money any financial trading system should be on Solaris with ZFS but what do I know, I never worked at any exchange and was too stupid to bother learning mainframe when I had the chance.

- Paris... because she knows where the money is.

PARIS nursing mother of all hangovers

Party

Hmm, Paris, Champagne, Balloons and cigars... sounds like my kind of gig :-D

Paris 'cause she can smoke my cigar

Google shocks world with unthreaded Gmail

Yes No But

Yes to threaded SMS, no to threaded email, but it's great to have the choice.

BTW, I'm one of those annoying people who keep EVERYTHING in my reply to help CMA

Paris 'cause she has a beautiful A :-P

Vulcan seeks further £400k refuel

Proper piloting skills

The landing at the end of the YouTube video is properly smooth and makes today's commercial flight auto-pilot landings look like the botched and crude efforts of a... well me frankly ;-) Go the RAF!

Skull, because I have sat in one of these Doomsday machines and you get a proper chill when you drop the flash screens.

How do you copy 60m files?

One letter... twice

dd

Recession drives pies sky high

Pi Shop

That's Pie without the 'e' - excellent place, pi, mash & onion gravy for 4.95, a selection of 200 beers and no booking required :-D But why does my local sainsbury only stock the steak and stout variety? Time to talk to the Pie Minister!

Paris because I'd like to eat her pies (and buns)