* Posts by Hans

80 publicly visible posts • joined 1 Jun 2007


Google's Wi-Fi sniff probe reveals 'criminal intent' - PI


@ - Is it interception when you broadcast your unencrypted signal?

Maybe, just maybe, not every member of Joe Public is as wise and informed about your specialist subject as you are.

I mean, I wonder what you know about pig farming, or maybe aerospace engineering. C'mon, its not rocket science . . . ooh er . . .yes it is.

Massive net surveillance programme on schedule


@ If these idiots...

Quote:< If these idiots... think they'll still be in power by 2010 - never mind 2016 - then they are even more stupid than we imagined.>

And if you think the new incoming government, whatever their colour or shade, will change any of these snooping proposals, then I have to say that you are even more stupid than we imagined

MS store staff in spontaneous electric boogie


Where's Michael Winner?

Calm down dear, its only a commercial

Prof: Global windfarm could power entire human race


What about the ice caps?

Does this windfarm energy equation take into account the power needed for the massive ice machines that we are going to have to build at the poles to replace the ice caps that we have wiped out?

Actually, there's a good lead for some enterprising lady or gent (Branson perhaps).

Presumably the SHAPE of the polar ice caps don't matter because, as all gents will tell you, its size that matters. So if we build them upwards instead of outwards we could have fabulous ski resorts whilst we bathe in global warmth.

Wey-hey I'm all for it.

Che Guevara's granddaughter poses for PETA


Why not NSFW?

Oh, . . . you mean that doesn't actually stand for New Stuff For Wankers?

Texas cop tasers gobby granny


Respecting authority

Yup, the old dear deserves it, she didn't respect the Police authority.

Why do the Police command respect? Well, because they are the ones holding the lethal weapons.

Showing respect for police 'because they bloody-well said so' is reason enough for us all.

If the Police asked her to kneel down and kiss his boots as a sign of this respect, so be it.

If she fails to do it on command, go ahead tase/taser/zap or just blast her. That'll win respect for the law.

Beware 'mobile elbow', sawbones warn

Thumb Up


Funny how it, according to this article, only affects mobile phone users.

I'll continue blathering away all day on my fixed phone then.

erm . . . maybe I could just recommend some kind of exercise to restore the blood circulation in that one arm eh?

Purely in the interests of good health and well being, you understand.

Irish politico in Facebook jub-rub outrage


Street View?

Funny how that Googlecam only pixelated two of the three faces.

Oh, hang about, am I in the wrong thread for the Orwellian stalker discussion?


I probably won't be the first but . . .

She goes down in my books as a very fine gael.

(OK, so my poetic licence has expired, yeah, yeah!)

Welsh mum amazed by Marmite Messiah

Thumb Up

Ann Robinson was right

and here's the proof

Google protects Colonel Sanders' privacy


missing the point?

You seem to be forgetting what Google is all about, and how it raises it revenues.

I believe it is only a matter of time before all such street-side establishments receive a bill through the door, from Google "For advertising services provided by Street View"

(Notice the intentional omission of the "Joke Alert" icon)

Pirate-pursuing lawyers get DDo$ money transfer slap


but what about the Pirate Code?

Love 'em or hate 'em, ya just gorra larf. Well, it sure did make me laugh.

Best come-uppance I've seen in a long time.

"Arrrrh! Jim lad, ya gorra larf"

As Barbossa himself might have said, "Pay the fine? I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request"

Isle of Man KKK burns cross on Facebook



I fink it waz dem dam yoofs what done it

Meet Phorm's PR genius


@ Ash

[quote] I wish I had six thumbs, so I could stick them all up [/quote]

and where, exactly, would you wish to stick all 6 of these thumbs up? Hmm?

JG Ballard — 1930-2009


@ Philistines...

Are you being serial, or just talking a load of Ballards?

Brazilian ejected as lingerie arouses border staff suspicions


An outrage?

We are forever bombarded with the notion that ALL immigrants to the UK are work-shy, layabout, good-fer-nothings, only here to milk our (shite) benefits system (and you would believe it, if you stoop so low as to read the Daily Heil)

Yet, here we have a woman arriving completely laden down with working clothes, and we turn her away?

Go-Between actress backs McKinnon extradition fight


Rendition of Sheep (des Moutons)

Would we let this happen if we were French?

No way Josè (or maybe that should be "pas ce soir Josephine" since Josè is obviously a bit Spanish). No, we'd be out there nuking sheep on the motorway, or blockading the port (don't ya just hate it when they get so possessive about a nice little after-dinner tipple)

Sorry to bring in a French Connection here. Oh btw that's another film Miss Christie didn't feature in, you bunch of friggin' CINETARDS.

However, it did feature a certain Gene Hack Man (now there's a tenuous link back to the topic) who could easily have been Jean Hackman and sound the same except, of course, in France where it would have ended up with a nasal inflection giving jēn

Anyway, the down side of this to McKinnon/Hack-man, must be the fact that all this legal dithering probably means he'll be too late to get into terrorist holiday camp at Guantanamera . . . (Guajira Guantanamera)

So he'll miss all the fun of water-boarding (a cross between water ski-ing and skateboarding, I assume) and lots of free flights to exotic resorts in Egypt, Syria and Morocco just for the sake of repeating the simple line "I don't know".

Hey, how easy is that quiz to win?

erm . . . now where was I going with this post . . .

Moderatrix quits El Reg: Latest


@Dearie me

[quote]I like lilies[/quote]

I like lilies too, but I can rarely get them off her


Oh c'mon

You just don't get it yet

A moderatrix called Sarah Bee?

Perchance that would be be an anagram of Bah Erase?

Yup, that explains all the nixed comments.

Florida cops taser satnav lake plunge woman


@Sarah Bee

[quote] Millions of women suffer from the frightening psychological effects of PMS. It's not bloody funny.[/quote]

And, with that, millions of men suffer from the frightening psychological effects of PMS.

I can tell you, Its not bloody funny.


Good enough

Sure gets my nomination for Woman of the Year

US reality TV 'star' attacked fiancé with laptop, cat, apples


and the punishment for this crime?

I hear cries of . . . "give 'em the cat"

Wally found on Street View

Thumb Down

@ Graham T

Since when has UK not been part of North America, or US to be exact?

Methinks you delude yourself


@ Martin

Is the expression "pissing in the wind" somehow related to the expression "getting your own back"?


Oh Jeez, that was me

I've just realised on looking at that bus stop, that was me.

OMG, I feel Google has "caused me mental suffering and diminished the value of my property."

(OK, so the cold wind had already diminished it somewhat)

Does anyone have the telephone number for the Boring lawyer?

EDIT: Dammit, that line should have read:

Does anyone have the telephone number for the "Boring's" lawyer?

Hell, I don't want to be snowed under with telephone numbers.

NYC 'Top Model' stampede: The truth revealed


Yikes! I had no idea it had got that serious

"Mad axeman in ice hockey visor threatens to chop baby if not allowed into competition"


Audio? . . . we need audio

Totally shocking pics, I must say.

In the absence of audio (c'mon Reg make an effort) thankfully I can lip-read, and the words on the lips of the panic stricken crowd all say the same thing

"Don't tase me bro"

How police busted UK's biggest cybercrime case


Spot the difference?

OK, full marks to the Police team for diligence and tenacity rarely seen in their usual blunderings.

However, herein lies the evidence of the difference between Police attitudes to crimes against corporate bodies and those against typical members of Joe Public - who may well be the victims of corporate crime, but happily ignored.

"Oi Vey, money talks, my boy"

Sacked French Sony workers hold chief exec hostage


They don't like it up 'em Cap'n Mainwaring, sir!

Hey, love 'em or hate 'em you gotta hand it to the French, they don't take things lying down.

Blockade the ports/motorways/Bastille, kidnap the boss, who cares, but do SOMETHING.

Compare that with us pathetic Brits who would just shuffle around kicking the dust, bleating that ever-so-British catch-phrase, "but what can you do?"

Sofia Dark Knight Englundh protests footie chant slur


@ Could Be anybody

<Quote>Until she sends a full-length photo of herself in a bikini* we will remain unconvinced! . . .

And how could we be sure it was her bikini?

Couldn't she remove it and show us the name tags?

Dammit! Don't caring mothers still sew name tags into all clothing these days?

Parenting skills really have gone downhill, haven't they.

Speeding, driverless Nissan finally stopped by US bombers


Navy High and Dry?

WTF in their right mind decided to build a naval base in Nevada, a landlocked desert state a long way from the nearest stretch of sea?

Must be hell getting their ships in there, huh?

Still, we Brits aren't so smart anyway. Don't we have a naval base at Yeovilton? Hmmmm . . .

Watchdog mauls billboard sex ads





Even after being totally fleeced by my dentist last week, I've still got more teeth than they have . . . by gum!

Birmingham drops the possessive apostrophe


Totally Insignificant

With an accent as bad as their's, ( theirs' / theres / dares - take your choice) wtf cares how badly the brummies spell our language since they are already crucifying it in speech.

Street View vehicle kills Bambi


Yellow Lines

I think the yellow lines were painted by the same bloke who did them around here.

Nigerian car thief turns into sheep


But remember . . .

It couldn't happen if they were carrying Identity Cards.

Virgin puts 'legal P2P' plans on ice


Time to (not) act

This insatiably greedy bunch of Luddites will not give up, even when simple logic stares them in the face.

They seem to only understand the language of money, ergo: money talks.

I say, its time for money to stay silent - silence is golden huh?

A total boycott of the products of the music industry would, I believe, silence the rustle and chink of money and tills - then let's see if THEY are prepared to talk or at least listen.

Danish SWAT team surrounds PlayStation shoot-'em-up


Wot, no "exclusive photos"?

Where's the pics then?

I mean, this is Denmark after all . . . you know . . . home of Lego, and all that.

Can't believe Lester is now getting too laggardly to "get his kit out"

Standards of journalism at Reg going downhill again I see. Hmmmph!

Mom stole daughter's ID to shake pom-poms


So do we have a date for the movie release?

There's bound to be one surely.

(Shut-up and don't call me Shirley . . yeah, yeah, we know . . .)

How to destroy the music business


5 Reasons for FAILURE

Whatever model for selling music is adopted, in whatever guise you present it, it is destined to fail for any one of the following reasons:

1. Greed

2. Greed

3. Greed

4. Greed

5. Greed

Police vet live music, DJs for 'terror risk'


So, when do we start burning the books?

I know where this is heading:

Next will come a prohibition on assembling in groups of more than three.

So if you go down the pub with your mates, make sure that one lags behind and sits at a separate table.

Well they have justification:

"Larger groups attract people who have a propensity to use violence. That's not speculation. We have a duty to prevent that from happening."

And then . . . we burn the books.

Right: Which one of you lot invented 'tw*tdangle', eh?


Etymology again

Quote: "and an agent noun (twatdangler")"

I'm no exspurt on English but I'm not convinced that the verb to "twatdangle" begets this alleged agent noun. I can think of many who could be described as "twatdanglers" i.e. those who dangle twats, who do not necessarily pursue the art of twatdangling in the context of Blaine-like stunts.

Maybe this ought to be clarified by someone better than I. Or should that be better than me? See what I mean, now?

P.S. Are we allowed to use the word "stunts" here, being before the watershed and all?

My name really is Ivan O'Toole, admits Ivan O'Toole


Lovely girl

True -

I used to know a lovely Scottish girl called Isabel Cummings . . . except that she always went by the traditional Scottish short form of . . . "Isa . . ." (Pron: Eyes-ah)

I presume by now everyone else here is mentally tuned into that famous sketch from Monty Python's Life of Brian with "Biggus Dickus and Incontinentia Buttocks"

MS beefs up WinXP Pro's anti-piracy nagware


Plain black background eh?

Well that'll be good, because plain black has been my background of choice with my (legit) XP installation for the past 2½ years. Ho hum

Street View spycar prowls Inverness


Invasion of The Snoopmobiles

Looks like the makings of a Hollywood blockbuster.

What we need is a heroic saviour, hmmm, let's say Bruce Willis or, even better, Will Smith before they take over the entire planet.

Do you think flushing them with seawater would kill 'em off?

Well, it worked for them damn Triffids.

Google's Street View spycar clocked in London


Not just London - everywhere

There must be a flood of them.

I was caught by one, quite inadvertently, three times last week in my home town.

Quite discrete, just a plain black hatchback with a single "google" decal on the side doors.

Huge pylon sporting multiview cams sprouting from the roof is a bit of a giveaway though.

Thought it was a new Police/DVLA number plate recognition machine at first till it pulled up for a red light. (OK, so it was in the red light district, what d'ya expect?)

Funnily enough, I was actually talking to my gay lover on a mobe while my other half believes I was at a wireless networking conference in Basingstoke

UK clamps down on bus-spotting terror menace


The terrorists have won

When our civil rights have been eroded to this state then its time to acknowledge that there is little point in fighting terrorists to "protect our freedoms" when the Police state is taking away our rights to be honest, law-abiding, up-standing citizens faster than any terrorist actions could ever do.

In the last 5 days I've been caught no less than 3 times by the Google street view car carefully mapping and photographing everything in our area.

Can I complain to plod and have the Google street-mapping car confiscated?

UK cops arrest six alleged BitTorrent music uploaders


@Michael - @julian "real" criminals

But the Police SHOULD know the difference between civil law and criminal law.

Leave civil law matters to private prosecutions, and pursue criminals under . . . guess what? . . . criminal law.

BT's 'illegal' 2007 Phorm trial profiled tens of thousands



Forget Ofcom on this, they are a toothless tiger and have long, long, long been known to be in the pockets of BT. How the hell do you think BT have been able to get away with all their past misdemeanours time after time?

What we need is a straight prosecution of BT on 108,000 charges of illegal interception of communications contrary to the The Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act 2000

Section 1(1) of RIPA, makes it an offence to intercept, without lawful authority, a communication transmitted by means of a public postal or telecommunication system. (In other words, you need to get a warrant to intercept.)

Proceedings for the offence of unlawful interception, which is punishable by up to two years imprisonment, require the consent of the DPP.

Section 5 (2) of RIPA, provides that the Secretary of State shall not issue an intercept warrant unless he believes that the warrant is necessary on one of the grounds set out in section 5 (3) - these include the prevention and detection of serious crime - and that the conduct authorised must be proportionate to what is sought to be achieved by it.

So Yes, (as what he wrote above) <quote> "Write to your MP and ask a very simple question. Why has no criminal investigation started against BT?"

Write to your MP, your MEP and why not the KGB, CIA, NSA, FBI, or even HRH if you think it will help.

look here:


Swedish lag's wooden todgers fail to impress

Paris Hilton

No appreciation huh?

as the saying goes:

"Never look a gift-horse in the mouth"

or is it, never put a gift-pack in the mouth?

Dammit, Paris because she knows a thing or two about phalluses and mouths

Area 51 drug test victim crashes flying car

Paris Hilton

Took the wrong car?

<quote> ""told the [arresting] officer that the vehicle could fly if he went fast enough"

True, if it is a DeLorean and the speed is 88mph in an electric storm.

Poor sod probably just took the wrong car by mistake

Paris - because I'd like her to come over and regenerate my flux capacitor

btw - the Hans up the top of the page wasn't me.

Has my Reg identity been stolen?

Dammit . . . and I told El Reg not to put that unencrypted CD in the post

( there's your IT angle. Happy now?)