Posts by Blofeld's Cat

HP, RIM, ARM among thousands in ICANN dot-brand ban

Is this a variant on "you are what you eat" ?

It's got the bananas, fruitcake and crackers in the pocket.

Russia and NASA plan to COLONISE the Moon

Don't Panic...

All the plans will be put on display at your local planning office in Alpha Centauri.

Don't forget you will also need an unlimited supply of Eagle spacecraft.

On arrival...

The US and Russian colonists will be able to just pop across the crater for a Chinese Take-away or something from Musk's Cheese Shop.

Or if they prefer Sushi...

Hold on a sec - leap seconds granted a last-minute reprieve

@Neutrino ride

No, it's still on Puckoon Time (Currently 4:32)

Blighty's film biz asks gov to hurry up pirate crackdown

An open letter...

To the Film Industry and their political friends.

Dear Sirs,

May I politely point out that you need to get your act together and bring your industry into the 21st Century.

Do you really still think that one "pirate" copy equals one lost sale? Perhaps you need to start assuming that your customers are on to your little scheme and wisen up.

I do not go to the cinema now and have not done so since the major chains turned their "theaters" (sic) into warm places where people can enjoy a bit of food and drink, while using their phones and talking to their friends. I believe there was some sort of film being shown the last time I went, but nobody seemed to be taking any interest in that.

Consequently I tend to buy (yes buy) films on DVD so I can watch them in the relative comfort of my home. Now I may be slow on the uptake here, but I have learned that if I can bear to wait a month or so after the UK release of your latest "blockbuster", I can actually buy the wretched thing at a supermarket for about 10% of the original price. (You notice the 'buy' word again.)

While I'm ranting, could I also suggest that you might consider using some sort of 'plot' in your next production. Again I realise that I'm somewhat old fashioned, but I do rather prefer films that have some sort of storyline, rather than those with only clever special effects, and nausea inducing 3D.

Not, I hasten to add, that all recent films are totally devoid of 'plot'. That would be too sweeping a statement given the number of remakes of 'classics' that are now appearing. Incidentally I did notice that many of these films were 'classics' because they had a 'plot'.

Still at least these remakes make a change from yet another sequel to some tired franchise. Although I do notice a trend where these are simply a vehicle for some 'star' or another. Which reminds me has the person responsible for casting Steve Martin as Inspector Clouseau in 'The Pink Panther', been hunted down and fired yet?

If any of these suggestions are useful, then please do get in touch with me. My IP lawyers are awaiting your call.

Yours etc.

Ernst Stavro Blofeld's cat.

Boffins quarrel over ridding world of leap seconds

Time is an illusion...

... lunchtime doubly so - Douglas Adams

Posted at 4:32, Puckoon time.

Olympics volunteers urged not to blab online

Translation...

A spokesman for the Five Ring Circus said,

"We do not want anyone upsetting our corporate sponsors, the broadcasters, the athletes, or their agents. We don't believe that the volunteers, sorry 'Games Makers', will keep their mouths shut if they see something we don't like.

Anyone who tweets anything other than the official line will be accused of breaching 'security' and treated as a terrorist."

Whale versus shark in KIWI DEATH MATCH!

Australia...

Or as my NZ cousin calls it ... the "West Island".

Boffins drill into human language by terrifying chimps with vipers

Translation...

"Hoo"

=

"Don't worry about that viper. It's just a fake put there by the humans for some reason. What time's lunch?"

UK's solar 'leccy cash slash ruled unlawful

Reasons...

According to the judgement...

The Court ruled the government had breached rules governing consultation exercises, when it announced that proposed cuts to feed-in tariff incentives would impact installations completed before the end of the consultation period.

Mr Justice Mitting said ministers were "proposing to make an unlawful decision" and as a result the court would be "amenable to a judicial review".

Bring me sunshine...

"UK doesn't get much sun so why would they assume solar power would be viable?"

Contrary to popular belief, photo-voltaic cells produce electricity when ANY light of suitable wavelength falls on them. They don't need bright sunlight and still generate SOME electricity on cloudy days.

That said, the electrical demands of the average house cannot generally be met by solar panels, even with a large battery bank as storage. Solar power can however be viable for off-grid locations with limited power demands.

The subsidy and feed-in tariff, as with wind turbines, exist purely for political reasons.

Wikipedia simplifies article editing for world+dog

"I think that the nasty way that a few self-appointed people run roughshod over other's work is far more off-putting. I'm not going back, for a start."

I can identify with that. I had a technical report of mine misquoted so badly that it reversed my actual conclusions.

When I corrected the page and added a citation to my article, it was reverted by the original editor. I put it back again and added copious notes to explain why. The original editor reverted it again.

It was eventually sorted out, but it left a bitter taste. I can only assume that my report's conclusions did not match the prejudices of the original editor.

NASA rover finds evidence of water flowing on Mars

Alternatively...

It's wall plaster from an early Martian building ... Demolition rubble ... Maybe a temple ... definitely a ritual site ...

It's got the Time Team book in a pocket.

God particle may be within our grasp

Shush

I'd got a Higgs as a Christmas present for somebody, and now you've gone and let the cat out of the box.

http://www.katzphur.co.uk/stories/hadron

Current Comet owner hit with half year loss

Hailey's Comet...

"Kesa is offloading Comet to private equity firms Hailey Holdings and Hailey Acquistions."

I take it their shareholders can't expect a return until 2061.

ICO smacks Welsh council with record £130k fine

So...

Here's your fine for sending sensitive data to the wrong place twice... And here's your ISO 9001 certificate for consistency of process.

No doubt the councillors will pay this fine out of their own salaries...

Headmaster freezes schoolkids for Gaia

Seymour Utterthwaite rides again...

This sounds like the school formerly run by Seymour Utterthwaite.

"... with magnificent views over the moors, but by God it was cold. Little fingers blue with cold, but it didn't stop the boys writing whinging little notes back to their parents. Oh no. And the fuss when one of them fell off the roof..."

Patent tax break takes effect in April 2013

Is it just me?

I read the article three times and I still can't understand it, but then I'm only an IT person.

Oh hang on it's the UK Treasury, so it's bound to be needlessly complicated to the point at which Kafka would shake his head in disbelief.

No doubt somewhere there is a tax lawyer, IP lawyer, accountant or bureaucrat punching the air and shouting "ALL RIGHT!".

Artists craft the ultimate iPhone fanboi holiday gift

Cornucopia...

Surround it by foliage and fruit. Chuck a couple of lobsters round the base, and it would be ideal for serving grapes at your next bit of a do.

You can use the phone to call the waiter when it needs a refill.

UK lays carbon plan before Earth Goddess

Hard sums...

"Domestic energy bills will fall by 7 per cent says Huhne, but only if we use a third less electricity."

I would expect my electricity bill to fall by about 33.3% if I used a third less electricity.

Software copied functions, but didn't infringe copyright

Hmm...

This seems to be a completely sane judgement.

Have I misunderstood something?

Boffin's bot spots red light jumpers before they kill

Alternatively...

You could just look at the traffic situation ahead, rather than rely on a bot to warn you.

It used to be called "anticipating the actions of other motorists".

"The bot didn't warn me" is not going to look good on an insurance claim.

It's ALIVE! Broken Russian Mars probe finally answers calls

Ring ring >click< ...

"Thank you for calling the Phobos-Grunt probe. Your call is important to us. We now have four options for you:

To go to Mars press 1 ... to go to the Moon press 2 ... to de-orbit press 3 ... to hear a duck quack please press 9."

It's got the Haynes "Interplanetary probes" manual in a pocket.

Genetically modified mutants 'safe for release' into the wild

Mosquitos?

How about ur-gerbils next?

http://www.webcomicsnation.com/shaenongarrity/narbonic/series.php?view=archive&chapter=9938

Russian diplomat caught driving while 15 TIMES over booze limit

Cheers...

On one hand you've got to admire the robust nature of his constitution.

On the other hand the idiot then got behind the wheel...

Poll: One in six interrupt bonking to answer mobile

I suspect...

They should have asked how many people were present when the aforementioned smartphone owners were having sex.

Coders are creatives too: Where's our love?...

Art not science

For the past >mumble< years I've always insisted that software development was an art not a science.

I have always been interested in watercolour painting, and would like very much to do it. I understand colours, I understand the basics of composition. I have even gone on weekend courses.

It is clear that I have no talent whatsoever in that area and *never* will have. I just do not have the necessary vital spark to do it.

This is the same for software development. You can teach (as I used to) some people a programming language, you can even teach them the underlying principles of programming, but they still won't be able to do it.

No amount of training will *ever* get them beyond the basics. They just don't think the right way. They have learned it, but not understood it.

Given enough training, most people can churn out blocks of code that do what is needed, usually in an inefficient, formulaic manner. When you ask them why they implemented something in a particular way, they will nearly always mumble something like "that's how they were taught".

Ask them to modify (or even document) somebody else's code and they are lost Usually they will simply rewrite the function from scratch, rather than build on the existing code.

Unfortunately most project managers see "developers" as interchangeable blocks on their chart, and "programming" as something that anyone can do with the right training.

/rant

NASA nuclear Mars tank launch delayed by one day

Just in case?

"...a flight termination system battery."

Is that what we used to call surface-to-air missiles?

Microsoft seeks patent on employee spy system

Pass me the splurge gun...

Most of the truly creative people I have ever the pleasure to work with, had some sort of personality trait that would send this software off the end of the scale.

What would such a system would make of rainbow hairstyles, inflatable alligators, BOFH mugs, chair races and design documents written in the style of Tolkien? That's before we get to the bare feet and a disinclination to wash.

Alternatively you could have a neat, silent office full of tidy, emotionless clones, gently coasting to oblivion, as they wait for the next startling revelation from their know-nothing managers.

Water utility hackers destroy pump, expert says

"Then everyone wonders why their city water supply is run by a PIC16F84A with a USB interface nailed to a Nokia 8210."

I suspect that such an arrangement would be more secure than some of the real solutions out there.

Doomsday 2012 mega volcano 'unlikely' - NASA

Good...

That's another item I can mark as done on today's todo list:

Avoid being killed by a supervolcano.

London councils to spunk £25m on SAP deal

I see...

"typical local government processes"

That would presumably be something like dreaming up some grandiose scheme with zero chance of success and then putting up the council tax to cover the cost.

Bishop to bless road salt supplies for added winter safety

Given the track record of our local authority as far as gritting goes, we stand a better chance of fairy-dust being sprinkled on the roads round here.

I suppose I'll just have to use the ashes from the solstice bonfire instead.

Lego movie greenlighted by Warner Bros

Lego?

I'll wait for the remake in Playmobil.

Deep-sea squid go from transparent to dark as fast as a Kindle

Cheap or new format?

Presumably in the future we'll be able to download ebooks for a couple of squid.

It's the one with "The Kraken Wakes" in the pocket.

Boozed-up ball-biting mum spared jail

Certainly...

... which way did you come in.

Eric Morecambe circa 1976

City IT manager accused of brazenly stealing mayor's email

Hmm...

"saved the emails to an archive folder on his official city computer"

A real BOFH would have saved them on somebody else's computer. Perhaps his PFY is making a bid for promotion.

Spanish firm brings 20MW solar ‘ranch’ online in Arizona

Hmm...

Can a technology that has a power source that consumes about 620 million tonnes of hydrogen per second, really be described as green?

Mind you it would explain my last electricity bill.

UK biz: Fax us and explain what this cloud thing is

Fax machines...

For some purposes the fax machine is still the best technology for the job.

I regularly use fax to get quotes for small pieces of fabrication, where a formal drawing is unnecessary.

It is considerably quicker to scribble a note on a sheet of paper, add a quick sketch and fax it, than to fire up the CAD package and export to email etc.

Solar power boom 'unsustainable', says Gov

Double standards?

So the Government is looking to dump the "subsidy" on solar panels (that actually work), but to keep the subsidy for windmills (which don't).

Putting aside the subsidy question, it strikes me as odd that the very success of a scheme is now considered grounds for discontinuing it.

Incidentally (as I'm sure you already know Andrew), solar panels produce some electricity whenever light falls on them, and not just on sunny days.

Personal data blaggers should go to jail, MPs say

The Justice Committee...

For some reason "the Justice Committee" conjures up a picture of four people wearing masks and their underwear outside their clothes, accompanied by a toothless dog with "ICO" on its collar.

It's got the dried frog pills in a pocket.

Crypto boffins uncover rogue task risk on Amazon cloud

Could have...

... but didn't.

Researchers could have published a straightforward, dull report ... ... but didn't.

Web czar: 'Drag your nan online'

"Extra" hour?

Sorry Martha,

Most of my relatives, colleagues and friends have been online for years. I know this because I periodically have to fix their machines.

I don't think that the others would want to go online at 02:00 GMT - even if the nursing home would let them.

Anyway it's not an extra hour. It's a replacement for the one taken from me in March.