* Posts by Blofeld's Cat

1301 publicly visible posts • joined 27 Jan 2010

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Julian Assange pleads guilty, leaves courtroom a free man

Blofeld's Cat

Hmm ...

Usually at the end of a long, drawn-out case like this, there is a request from the defendant's legal team to respect the privacy of those involved, and to allow them to get on with their lives away from the glare of publicity.

Hopefully everyone will honour this principle ...

Research finds electric cars are silent but violent for pedestrians

Blofeld's Cat

Re: Quiet ICE

I find your lack of "Tufty the squirrel" disturbing ...

Whistleblower raises alarm over UK Nursing and Midwifery Council's DB

Blofeld's Cat
Devil

It's deja-vu all over again ...

"The databases have no version control systems. Important fields for identifying individuals were used inconsistently – for example, containing junk data, test data, or null data ..."

Sounds like just about every corporate database I've ever been asked to merge, convert, transfer, etc.

"Well not all our customers have a VAT number, so we use that field for their nickname. If they do have a VAT number then we put that in the Fax field, as we don't want to confuse anyone ..."

BOFH: So you want more boardroom tech that no one knows how to use

Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

Hmm ...

While I was working on a large corporate site, there was a medical emergency - first-aider, paramedics, ambulance, trip to A&E - in one of the training rooms.

Their employee giving the presentation, in order to connect the ceiling-mounted projector to his laptop, had climbed on an office chair (with castors) that he placed on a folding table, with predictable results.

The front-desk mounted connectors, next to his laptop, were all found to be working correctly as was the IR remote. He had just failed to use any of them.

Ironically the presentation was about health and safety at work, and the presenter ran that department.

Rancher faces prison for trying to breed absolute unit of a sheep

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Raising the baa ...

"rammed through the law" ... "Probably feeling a bit sheepish now"

I see what ewe did there.

Air National Guardsman Teixeira to admit he was Pentagon files leaker

Blofeld's Cat
Mushroom

Re: "National Security"

"... Death Star ... Hayne's Manual ..."

Chapter 5 - Servicing the reactor.

...

5.04 Replace the covering grate on the exhaust port.

Work for you? Again? After you lied about the job and stole my stuff? No thanks

Blofeld's Cat
Devil

Got to love an optimist ...

Just this week I had a former employer who stiffed me about £2k on a project, ask me if I would do some modifications to the project for him. Price to be agreed later.

I politely explained that unfortunately I was now retired and busy doing other things.

A tale of 2 casino ransomware attacks: One paid out, one did not

Blofeld's Cat

Re: They wouldn't have done this 60 years ago

Nowadays the perpetrators would simply be interviewed to find out what their motives were, and who they were working with.

Following those discussions, concrete proposals would be set out on how the persons involved could become useful members of society.

A supporting role in highway development might well be suggested at this point ...

Law secretly drafted by ChatGPT makes it onto the books

Blofeld's Cat

Re: Brave new wrodl!

The Rolls-Royce Silver Mist had to be renamed in German-speaking countries.

Share your 2024 tech forecasts (wrong answers only) to win a terrible sweater

Blofeld's Cat

Hmm ...

Alphabet announces that it is selling off its advertising operation, so it can concentrate on defeating attempts to track its customers.

UK signals legal changes to self-driving vehicle liabilities

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Er ...

"But a report from Parliament's Transport Committee highlights a number of obstacles in the vehicles' path."

Which is rather more than the vehicle's sensors did in at least a couple of cases ...

DoJ: Ex-soldier tried to pass secrets to China after seeking a 'subreddit about spy stuff'

Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

Re: team leader and sergeant

Tom Lehrer in his introduction to "It Makes a Fellow Proud to Be a Soldier", states that the US Army has eliminated discrimination: "by race, creed, colour and also ability".

NASA taking its time unboxing asteroid sample because it grabbed too much stuff

Blofeld's Cat

Re: They are doing it right.

"... Who Me and On Call ..."

Unfortunately in their excitement, nobody had mentioned the capsule to the cleaners, and during the night ...

IBM Software tells workers: Get back to the office three days a week

Blofeld's Cat
Devil

"I think pretty much all attempts to measure the productivity of software development have failed.

I worked on a contract where the project manager decided that such productivity could be measured by counting the number of semicolons in the source code, and got someone to write him a script to do so.

Soon after this edict, function description blocks started becoming outlined in semicolons rather than asterisks. Two blocks a day was the informally agreed rate among developers IIRC.

BMW deems drivers worthy of warmth, ends heated car seat subscription

Blofeld's Cat

Re: Old, really, old...

I miss the days when the difference between a Jehovah's Witness and a Skoda, was that you could slam the door on a Jehovah's Witness.

Okay, SMART ePANTS, you tell us how to create network-connected textiles

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Er ...

>Whoosh!< >BANG!<

Squaddie 1: "That was close - you OK?"

Squaddie 2: "Yes I'm g..."

Suit: "Unexpected item in the baggies area"

Polishing off a printer with a flourish revealed not to be best practice

Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

Re: Only self-damage

I'm reminded of a PHB who, needing to pin up a chart in his newly refurbished office, borrowed a contractor's Paslode nailer while he was at lunch. Like most nailers the machine will not operate unless it is in contact with a surface - an important safety feature for something that can pin battens to steel girders.

The PHB didn't know this so when he "test fired" it nothing happened. Thinking it was broken he patted the business end ...

Last rites for the UK's Online Safety Bill, an idea too stupid to notice it's dead

Blofeld's Cat
Childcatcher

Re: The Reg goes all EFF, yet again

"... they'll either encrypt stuff before sending it ..."

"Granny will not be coming on Saturday, but your parcel will be delivered shortly" ...

Blofeld's Cat
Big Brother

Re: Possession

"There will be an expensive contract to develop a phone scanner that will tell an officer whether someone has veilid or any other prohibited software on their phone."

Followed quickly by discovering that, because of inadequate field testing by the contractor, a common app accidentality confuses the scanner and produce a lot of false positives.

After the first few high-profile false arrests, smart lawyers would ... [continued p94]

New Zealand supermarket's recipe-generating AI takes toxic output to a new level

Blofeld's Cat
Pint

Hmm ...

A few years ago a newspaper* in the UK ran a competition to find the most revolting drink that could be made from ingredients found behind the bar of a typical pub.

I can't remember the exact recipe of the winner, but it used the liquid from the jar of pickled eggs ...

* OK it was a long time ago.

Turning a computer off, then on again, never goes wrong. Right?

Blofeld's Cat
Terminator

Hmm ...

Let's see: unexpected hardware, unfamiliar software, not the system you installed ...

Use the pink paint, deploy the SEP field and GTFO as rapidly as possible.

Ripoff Vuitton handbag smaller than a grain of salt fetches $63,750 at auction

Blofeld's Cat

Re: There's an old proverb

"Never give a sucker an even break, or smarten up a chump." - W. C. Fields

Google asks websites to kindly not break its shiny new targeted-advertising API

Blofeld's Cat
Devil

Hmm ...

I wonder if anyone has actually done a study in to how many actual sales result from targeted advertising, compared to the scattergun variety?

I presume there must be some sort of benefit to the advertiser given the time, trouble and expense required to compile the targetting data.

Perhaps only the companies selling the advertising space benefit from this.

Just in case there are any advertisers reading this, may I politely point out that it is extremely unlikely I will need another washing machine until the one I recently bought keels over. I mention this as you appear to assume I am some sort of manic washing machine enthusiast who is anxious to complete their collection.

BOFH: Good news, everyone – we're in the sausage business

Blofeld's Cat

Er ...

I think the Boss may be fearing the wurst.

Virgin Orbit-uary: Beardy Branson's satellite launch biz shutters

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Er ...

Did anyone else read that as "Virgin Obit"?

Cheapest, oldest, slowest part fixed very modern Mac

Blofeld's Cat

I hope he kept a note of what he did ...

BT is ditching workers faster than your internet connection with 55,000 for chop by 2030

Blofeld's Cat

Re: This is the tulip bubble all over again, isn't it?

Probably just after cold fusion ...

BOFH: Ah. Company-branded merch. So much better than a bonus

Blofeld's Cat

"... accidentally picked up by the office gossip."

Or accidentally swapped with the stick containing the photos for next year's calender.

BOFH: Generating a report the Director can show the Board – THIS is what AI was made for

Blofeld's Cat

Re: One line.

"If you gave him another brain cell, it would be lonely."

Romance scammers' favorite lies cost victims $1.3B last year

Blofeld's Cat

Re: Young 'uns

You can always help Franz to blow up the theatre ...

Ring system discovered around dwarf planet Quaoar leaves astronomers puzzled

Blofeld's Cat
Headmaster

Er ...

I suspect "(full stop)" should be "(comma)".

Bank of England won't call it Britcoin but says digital pound 'likely to be needed in future'

Blofeld's Cat
Devil

Re: Hey, You!

If you're going to jump on a bandwagon you need to be smart enough to get off again before it becomes a tumbrel.

Prepare to be shocked: Employees hate this One Weird Clause

Blofeld's Cat

Er ...

Many years ago I was working for the consultancy arm of a large OS supplier. We were working at the head office of an insurance company and our team occupied half a floor of the tower block.

One morning an officious person from HR appeared, shoving papers in front of everyone present and demanding they sign them "at once" on pain of being escorted from the building.

Our boss intercepted her as she was about half way round the room. He took the remaining papers from her and read one while she got more and more annoyed.

He eventually handed back the papers saying, "You clearly are unaware who we are or what we are doing. Please gather up the rest of the papers, then go and do some basic research."

She didn't return.

Tech CEO nixes AI lawyer stunt after being threatened with jail time

Blofeld's Cat

Elevator music ...

... written by the elevator.

Three seconds of audio could end up costing Fox $500,000

Blofeld's Cat

Re: Harmony by disharmony

"So what would happen if there was an actual air raid at noon on the first Wednesday of the month?"

I worked in a building where on one occasion a fire in the switchroom had been discovered by the person sent there to do the weekly fire alarm test.

There was apparently some difficulty getting people to evacuate the building, so the rules were changed. When I worked there everyone now had to leave the building when the alarm went off - unless told not to by the fire wardens.

NASA may tap SpaceX to rescue ISS 'nauts in Soyuz leak

Blofeld's Cat
Unhappy

Re: Escape pod???

Reminds me of the report into a "spotting" autogyro designed to be towed by a WWI U-boat. The report noted that in an emergency the U-boat crew would cut the towing cable and crash dive.

"The autogyro would then descend into the water and the observer would drown in the usual manner."

Chemical plant taken offline by the best one of all: C8H10N4O2

Blofeld's Cat
Coffee/keyboard

Re: Ah, but what was the coffee?

As there were two processors it could have been a "double espresso".

Tesla owner gets key fob chip implanted in his hand

Blofeld's Cat

Re: YIKES

A friend of mine has been chipped since her days as a veterinary assistant.

Apparently the cat she was holding moved at exactly the wrong moment.

Atlassian comes clean on what data-deleting script behind outage actually did

Blofeld's Cat

"Measure twice, cut once."

Measure with a micrometer, mark with chalk, cut with a hatchet.

CafePress fined for covering up 2019 customer info leak

Blofeld's Cat
Flame

Swear Jar

A former colleague used to stuff a tenner in the swear jar at the start of every week on the basis that his role involved handling technical enquiries from Sales and Marketing.

He usually got his money's worth - and more.

Half of bosses out of touch with reality, study shows

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Re: Too many meetings are now bad?

I think we should first arrange a meeting to set the parameters for the working group that will meet to thrash out the agenda for the "too many meetings?" meeting.

Probably best to make it a "full participation" meeting ...

A tale of two dishwashers: Buy one, buy it again, and again

Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

I also like the answers to "Customer Questions & Answers":

"I don't know"

"Sorry I cant help you"

"Ours worked until we buried it in a rhubarb patch and then the stripes fell off."

BOFH: All hail the job cuts consultant

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Re: "Gerard's going to recommend firing the board."

And will the company be able to find replacements of the same calibre.

The year ahead in technology fail: You knew they were bad, now they're going to prove it

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Hmm ...

Marketing Executive: "Sales of Windows 11 and that Astro thing are really taking off, money is just pouring in. Trebles all round."

Tech: "Sir, you're still wearing the Metaverse headset ..."

You geeks have inherited the Earth, but what are you going to do with it?

Blofeld's Cat
Unhappy

Hmm ...

I suspect that historians in the next millennium may well consider the current era as a new "Dark Age", given that almost every piece of data is now held in digital form, and as such is essentially ephemeral.

I was once asked to write a brief history of a company founded in the late nineteenth century. This was a relatively straightforward task as their cellars were stuffed with ledgers recording the minutes of every board meeting and transaction they had held. The problem was mainly deciding what to leave out.

Today we have systems that retain documents only for the length of time they are needed, in some cases this is even a legal requirement. Very little of day to day life is accidentally saved for posterity. Why backup data you no longer need?

Not all written records survive, of course, but it is easy to delete digital records, while old minute books remain in the storeroom. Just try finding that picture you took with your last phone but three* ...

A thousand years from now, archaeologists will be carefully excavating landfill sites trying to find out what 21st Century life was really like. While popular TV programs will show network technicians in overalls oiling rack after rack of diesel powered servers, in their high concrete towers.

* I remember uploading it, just before the cloud company went bust.

BOFH: The vengeance bus is coming, and everybody's jumping. An Xmas bonus hits me…

Blofeld's Cat
Childcatcher

Excellent ...

Once again experience and treachery defeats youth and enthusiasm.

Assisted by a No. 666 bus of course ...

Merry Christmas to one and all.

James Webb Telescope launch delayed again, this time by weather

Blofeld's Cat
Pint

Re: Prediction ...

Excellent, have one on me.

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Prediction ...

The launch scheduled for 25 Dec is further delayed when a reindeer powered sleigh strays into the launch safety zone.

Fisher Price's Bluetooth reboot of pre-school play phone has adult privacy flaw

Blofeld's Cat
Childcatcher

Hmm ...

"Thank you for calling the Fisher Price Chatter help line:

For sales, dial 1, for support, dial 2, to hear a duck quack, dial 9"

UK's Defra and Ministry of Justice facing £120m IR35 tax bills thanks to inaccuracies in assessing contractors' status

Blofeld's Cat
Devil

Hmm ...

As my accountant once said of HMRC and their advice:

"If you make a mistake, you will have to pay a penalty and any outstanding tax. If they make a mistake, you will have to pay a penalty and any outstanding tax."

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