Posts by Blofeld's Cat

Virgin Orbit-uary: Beardy Branson's satellite launch biz shutters

Er ...

Did anyone else read that as "Virgin Obit"?

Cheapest, oldest, slowest part fixed very modern Mac

I hope he kept a note of what he did ...

BT is ditching workers faster than your internet connection with 55,000 for chop by 2030

Re: This is the tulip bubble all over again, isn't it?

Probably just after cold fusion ...

BOFH: Ah. Company-branded merch. So much better than a bonus

"... accidentally picked up by the office gossip."

Or accidentally swapped with the stick containing the photos for next year's calender.

BOFH: Generating a report the Director can show the Board – THIS is what AI was made for

Re: One line.

"If you gave him another brain cell, it would be lonely."

Romance scammers' favorite lies cost victims $1.3B last year

Re: Young 'uns

You can always help Franz to blow up the theatre ...

Ring system discovered around dwarf planet Quaoar leaves astronomers puzzled

Er ...

I suspect "(full stop)" should be "(comma)".

Bank of England won't call it Britcoin but says digital pound 'likely to be needed in future'

Re: Hey, You!

If you're going to jump on a bandwagon you need to be smart enough to get off again before it becomes a tumbrel.

Prepare to be shocked: Employees hate this One Weird Clause

Er ...

Many years ago I was working for the consultancy arm of a large OS supplier. We were working at the head office of an insurance company and our team occupied half a floor of the tower block.

One morning an officious person from HR appeared, shoving papers in front of everyone present and demanding they sign them "at once" on pain of being escorted from the building.

Our boss intercepted her as she was about half way round the room. He took the remaining papers from her and read one while she got more and more annoyed.

He eventually handed back the papers saying, "You clearly are unaware who we are or what we are doing. Please gather up the rest of the papers, then go and do some basic research."

She didn't return.

Tech CEO nixes AI lawyer stunt after being threatened with jail time

Elevator music ...

... written by the elevator.

Three seconds of audio could end up costing Fox $500,000

Re: Harmony by disharmony

"So what would happen if there was an actual air raid at noon on the first Wednesday of the month?"

I worked in a building where on one occasion a fire in the switchroom had been discovered by the person sent there to do the weekly fire alarm test.

There was apparently some difficulty getting people to evacuate the building, so the rules were changed. When I worked there everyone now had to leave the building when the alarm went off - unless told not to by the fire wardens.

NASA may tap SpaceX to rescue ISS 'nauts in Soyuz leak

Re: Escape pod???

Reminds me of the report into a "spotting" autogyro designed to be towed by a WWI U-boat. The report noted that in an emergency the U-boat crew would cut the towing cable and crash dive.

"The autogyro would then descend into the water and the observer would drown in the usual manner."

Chemical plant taken offline by the best one of all: C₈H₁₀N₄O₂

Re: Ah, but what was the coffee?

As there were two processors it could have been a "double espresso".

Tesla owner gets key fob chip implanted in his hand

Re: YIKES

A friend of mine has been chipped since her days as a veterinary assistant.

Apparently the cat she was holding moved at exactly the wrong moment.

Atlassian comes clean on what data-deleting script behind outage actually did

"Measure twice, cut once."

Measure with a micrometer, mark with chalk, cut with a hatchet.

CafePress fined for covering up 2019 customer info leak

Swear Jar

A former colleague used to stuff a tenner in the swear jar at the start of every week on the basis that his role involved handling technical enquiries from Sales and Marketing.

He usually got his money's worth - and more.

Half of bosses out of touch with reality, study shows

Re: Too many meetings are now bad?

I think we should first arrange a meeting to set the parameters for the working group that will meet to thrash out the agenda for the "too many meetings?" meeting.

Probably best to make it a "full participation" meeting ...

A tale of two dishwashers: Buy one, buy it again, and again

I also like the answers to "Customer Questions & Answers":

"I don't know"

"Sorry I cant help you"

"Ours worked until we buried it in a rhubarb patch and then the stripes fell off."

BOFH: All hail the job cuts consultant

Re: "Gerard's going to recommend firing the board."

And will the company be able to find replacements of the same calibre.

The year ahead in technology fail: You knew they were bad, now they're going to prove it

Hmm ...

Marketing Executive: "Sales of Windows 11 and that Astro thing are really taking off, money is just pouring in. Trebles all round."

Tech: "Sir, you're still wearing the Metaverse headset ..."

You geeks have inherited the Earth, but what are you going to do with it?

Hmm ...

I suspect that historians in the next millennium may well consider the current era as a new "Dark Age", given that almost every piece of data is now held in digital form, and as such is essentially ephemeral.

I was once asked to write a brief history of a company founded in the late nineteenth century. This was a relatively straightforward task as their cellars were stuffed with ledgers recording the minutes of every board meeting and transaction they had held. The problem was mainly deciding what to leave out.

Today we have systems that retain documents only for the length of time they are needed, in some cases this is even a legal requirement. Very little of day to day life is accidentally saved for posterity. Why backup data you no longer need?

Not all written records survive, of course, but it is easy to delete digital records, while old minute books remain in the storeroom. Just try finding that picture you took with your last phone but three* ...

A thousand years from now, archaeologists will be carefully excavating landfill sites trying to find out what 21st Century life was really like. While popular TV programs will show network technicians in overalls oiling rack after rack of diesel powered servers, in their high concrete towers.

_{* I remember uploading it, just before the cloud company went bust.}

BOFH: The vengeance bus is coming, and everybody's jumping. An Xmas bonus hits me…

Excellent ...

Once again experience and treachery defeats youth and enthusiasm.

Assisted by a No. 666 bus of course ...

Merry Christmas to one and all.

James Webb Telescope launch delayed again, this time by weather

Re: Prediction ...

Excellent, have one on me.

Prediction ...

The launch scheduled for 25 Dec is further delayed when a reindeer powered sleigh strays into the launch safety zone.

Fisher Price's Bluetooth reboot of pre-school play phone has adult privacy flaw

Hmm ...

"Thank you for calling the Fisher Price Chatter help line:

For sales, dial 1, for support, dial 2, to hear a duck quack, dial 9"

UK's Defra and Ministry of Justice facing £120m IR35 tax bills thanks to inaccuracies in assessing contractors' status

Hmm ...

As my accountant once said of HMRC and their advice:

"If you make a mistake, you will have to pay a penalty and any outstanding tax. If they make a mistake, you will have to pay a penalty and any outstanding tax."

Police National Computer not pwned by Clop ransomware crims, insists Home Office

Re: I would like 100 upvotes for Christmas please.

Upvoted on the grounds of sheer brazen cheek.

Facebook locks out 1,500 fake accounts used by cyber-spy firms to snoop on people, alerts 50k potential targets

Re: 1500 !

I would prefer a game of "Nuke the Mole from orbit", but it would indeed be a good start.

Foreign Office IT chaos: Shocking testimony reveals poor tech support hindered Afghan evac attempts

Disgraceful ...

This whole episode will no doubt feature in some future textbook as an example of how NOT to organise an evacuation.

Reading the story here and elsewhere only emphasises the utter disconnect between the frantic efforts of people at the sharp end, and those seated comfortably in the upper echelons of Whitehall, demanding that their procedures must be followed.

That the evacuation of dogs from an animal rescue charity was prioritised ahead of people who had actively put their lives on the line, is frankly unbelievable. (Did I read that right, or have I misunderstood something?)

There should be resignations ... but there won't be.

Tech Bro CEO lays off 900 people in Zoom call and makes himself the victim

Re: Bastard

"... place reserved in Hell ..."

He may not get in - they have standards too.

Garg: I have a reservation.

Demonic Maitre D: "Ah Mr Garg. No, you had a reservation."

G: "Had?"

D: "Yes 'had' - The Big Boss cancelled it."

G: "Why?"

D: "There were complaints. A number of denizens objected to your admittance. Even Vlad the Impaler thought your methods inhumane."

G: "This is ridiculous. I demand you find somewhere to seat me."

D: (sighs) "Very well." (dials phone) "Vlad? - Good, have you got a moment? ..."

Hmm ...

I worked on contract for a company that was taken over by a US corporation.

After several months of "onward to the glorious future" style presentations, a whole company meeting was arranged in a local sports hall so the new owners could address the workforce.

The visiting US team unexpectedly announced that they were shutting down the whole UK operation, making everyone redundant.

Evidently surprised by the reception their announcement received, one of the visitors suggested to the UK boss, (who was also seated on the platform), that "Security" needed to be summoned.

He pointed out that this was unnecessary as the group of large men who had just described the visitors as "callous bastards*", were in fact "Security".

The visitors left very shortly afterwards for the airport - at speed - in a car with four flat tyres.

_{* Not an exact quotation}

New UK product security law won't be undercut by rogue traders upping and vanishing, government boasts

Bad debts ...

"For some years I was suing about one company per week for non-payment of bills issued by my small (partnership) business ..."

I sympathise with you deeply, having just gone through something similar myself.

In my case one of a particular company's ex-employees* explained that the company concerned was having cash-flow problems and the boss had simply decided not to pay invoices below a certain value.

This was on the cynical basis that it would cost their supplier more to start legal action than the value of their invoice, and most small firms would simply write off the money instead.

When (as in my case) they received legal papers, they simply apologised for their oversight and paid up before the case was heard.

_{* There were several redundancies once the furlough money stopped.}

Google's 'Be Evil' business transformation is complete: Time for the end game

"Beware of gifts bearing Greeks" - Former citizen of Troy

Nothing works any more. Who decided that redundant systems should become redundant?

Re: Doubting Hervé

"... With barely a micron of leeway on either side, I knew there was no way of fitting a 5mm wider unit in the same space ...

It's surprising what can be done with a couple of metal rulers, some blocks of wood and an Acrow prop...

BOFH: You'll find there's a company asset tag right here, underneath the monstrously heavy arcade machine

Re: Sshh!

I know somebody who decided to connect a machine to multiple socket outlets in a workshop to get a higher current feed.

He didn't realise that the sockets used different phases of the three-phase supply to balance the load.

Well not until he switched on the second one anyway ...

Brits open doors for tech-enabled fraudsters because they 'don't want to seem rude'

"... freepost envelope ..."

Try running the literature through a cross-cut shredder before putting it in the return envelope. Some basic origami can result in a "confetti cannon" effect on opening.

Adding a spoonful of glitter to the mix may be taking matters a little too far ...

RAF chief: Our Reaper drones (sorry, SkyGuardians) stand ready to help British councils

Er ...

Allegedly the drones are already equipped to deal with "Old Farmer's bin loading" or something like that.

Talent shortage? Maybe it's your automated hiring system, lack of investment in training

Re: And that degree ...

No degree here - left school at 15 with no qualifications of any sort. Straight into an apprenticeship, local Tech and night-school. Consequently I have multiple City & Guilds type qualifications, but most agencies and HR people haven't even heard of them, let alone know if they're relevant.

Apparently I also didn't have the "necessary technical knowledge" to modify a piece of hardware I designed and built 25 years ago.

True, I don't have <current-buzzword> on my CV, but I do have <previous-buzzword> from when the technique was called that 20 years ago. Oh and it didn't work then either.

</rant>

I'm so glad not to have to deal with agencies now that I'm "retired" - and busier than ever...

Bonkers rocket launch sees craft slip sideways, barely climb and tear up terrain

Er ...

A spectacular demonstration of the attitude control systems keeping the pointed end up and the hot end down. Nobody hammered home the sensors on this one.

They also avoided having to do a major clean up of the environment and launch pad by letting it continue until it was over one of the marine exclusion zones.

So a good call all round - have several of these ...

Boots on Moon in 2024? NASA OIG says you better moonwalk away from that date, because suits ain't ready

Er ...

"... establishing a long-term presence at the Moon under Artemis is a priority ..."

I can assure you that if we had a pub called "The Moon under Artemis" around here, I too would be looking to establish a long-term presence there.

Q: Post-lockdown, where would I like to go? A: As far away from my own head as possible

Re: Sending DNA

Sounds good - I mean what could possibly go wrong...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Species_(film)

Cordon Bennet ...

That book is still in print - I have the Kindle version of it.

I can recommend the "Easy apple cake" recipe as even my so called culinary skills, can't turn it into a flywheel on a regular basis.

Das tut mir leid! Germany's ruling party sorry for calling cops on researcher after she outed canvassing app flaws

"... engineers mindset ..."

Very similar to the scientific method.

In the early days of exoplanet research there was a press conference at which a research team announced that they had calculated the "year" of an exoplanet at 365.25 days.

There was a pause, after which the team leader said something along the lines of:

This is either a staggering coincidence, or we have got something wrong. We have checked our data many times and cannot find an error. Our research is all published on line and we would be most grateful if somebody could please point out where we messed up.

Google hits undo on Chrome browser alert change that broke websites, web apps

Hmm ...

"Specifically, they allow an embedded resource like an ad to present a prompt as if it were the host domain."

Perhaps the developers forgot where Google derives most of its revenue from.

"The grand emperor has sent me here to inform you that the spice ads must flow."

UK chancellor: Getting back to the altar of corporate dreams (the office) will boost young folks' careers

Re: Hmm

"Lighthouse Keeper?"

I thought that job paid too well considering it was just "light housekeeping" ...

Er ...

Many years ago it was quite common to sort out development issues while chatting at the water cooler, or during a smoking break for that matter.

Unfortunately the efficiency of this practice was not generally understood by the numerous managers brachiating though the corporate tree.

It appears they believed that if the minions were talking they were not working, and that such issues could only be sorted out by endless scheduled meetings anyway.

Nuisance call-blocking firm fined £170,000 for making almost 200,000 nuisance calls

Er ...

I'm not sure which part of this is the most bizarre:

- A supplier of nuisance call-blocking systems doesn't understand that a cold call made without the recipient's explicit consent is a nuisance call.

- The sole director of the company bought the contact list from a liquidated marketing company they used to be the sole director of.

NFT or not to NFT: Steve Jobs' first job application auction shows physically unique beats cryptographically unique

Re: For sale now!

Would you consider an exchange for some clothes?

Brand new - made for an emperor ...

D'oh! Misplaced chair shuts down nuclear plant in Taiwan

Re: Confirmed

"Ah, but it also had Soolin!"

Also Servalan, one of the best villains ever.

Remember the bloke who was told by Zen Internet to contact his MP about crap service? Yeah, it's still not fixed

Oh Fawkes ...

A friend wrote to her MP responding to one of the government's consultation invitations, politely expressing her reasoned opinion on the subject.

She received a reply thanking her for her comments, and a glossy booklet explaining the government's view on the subject, and why she was completely wrong.

That's the sort of thing that happens when your MP is also the PM.