Posts by Robert Ramsay

Baby Shakergate: Apple officially sorry

Ah well

there goes my idea for a game where a giant bouncing breast goes around beating up babies whilst web-surfing over your O2 connection.

Oldsters: If you think you'll lose your memory, you will

vuja de

is actually called "jamais vu" and is generally held to be a symptom of mental illness.

US Navy unveils superconductor 'cloaking device' destroyer

Isn't this...

...how the Philidelphia Experiment was sent back in time?

Jedi officers enlist with Scottish police

I guess the Force is with them...

Mind how y'go.

'Let me use poo-flinging Roman siege engine against burglars'

This is an awesome story

I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

Unauthorised Wolverine claws his way onto interwebs

My Local Cinema

...is actually very nice! I'm sorry to hear that yours is a bit rubbish :-(

Moderatrix quits El Reg: Latest

Although...

Your rant was 100% accurate. (unless the anti-semitic wanker was made up)

Space launches could be capped to save ozone layer

why not...

...just reduce the number of cars instead.

Thought not.

US Patent Office exposes Apple secret plan

not as good as the satnav/taser one...

that is all.

Competition Commission scuppers Capita takeover

Phew!

when I read the title I thought that someone had tried to take over crapita and failed. There's a company which deserves to be shot through both lungs and thrown through the airlock.

IBM tries to patent offshoring

This is brilliant...

now all IBM have to do is charge a patent fee which is exactly the same amount as whatever company would save by offshoring... bingo! All our jobs are magically saved!

LG fu**ed off with swearing

Fuck off to your language filter

That is all.

Knee X-ray biometrics plan to fight spoofing

And...

...if you haven't got any knees, you are clearly a terrorist.

Amazon cloud offers protection from falling meteors

Four dimensional computing!

Amazon have finally realised my dream of selling the future run-time of their computers - you'll know in advance when the machine breaks or is taken down for maintenance because the program won't work when you schedule it for those time periods!

Of course you'll never be able to turn it off... even when you have used all of its future time and have to buy another one...

Astroboffins probe mysterious 'blazar'

blowtorch is right

I wonder how close it would have to have been to cook our solar system to a nice golden brown?

Secret Aussie blacklist leaked

I'm fascinated to know...

...what did the poor dentist do? Does he have film of operations which presumably count as extreme porn? (A phrase that makes me think of people having sex whilst base-jumping)

Councils clamp down on Strategy Boutique Newspeak

I shall be forwarding this to a whole lot of people

...to make sure we are all coterminous - damn! damn!

Dell MacBook Air Adamo officially launched

but will it...

enable the Galactica to find Earth?

Mathematica man brews 'AI' Google Killer™

Even I'm smart enough...

to know that Wolfram is smarter than Ted.

When Eddington towards the end of his career started trying to link up the numbers in physics together in the same way as people try and link the height of the Great Pyramid to the distance between the Earth and the Sun, one student listenign to his lecture asked another "Do all great physicists go crazy at the end?". The other said "Maybe, but guys like you just get dumber all the time."

Screeching rails close London Tube station

to be honest...

if they hadn't lubed up the tracks, the crappy old trains would probably have caught fire...

Polish Spitfire shoots down BNP

Hands up who reads the Daily Mail!

*guffaws into sleeve*

Lockheed offers ready-to-go supersoldier exoskeleton

Reminds me of Watchmen

"First time I tried it I broke my arm"

"Wow, seems like the kind of costume that could really screw you up"

"Is there any other kind?"

Harry Potter hangs up wand in 2011

It's nice to see...

so many famous authors who have also written a series of best selling books give us their sharp and incisive views on their fellow craftswoman :P

Microsoft plays with small, sleepy servers

nice to see

Microsoft actually doing some proper R & D for a change. Full marks.

Beware the dazzle of Microsoft's Azure lure

Botnet in the sky

I'm sure that will be the first real news story about the "cloud"...

Ballmer bets on R&D amidst Meltdown

Ballmer in "wheelbarrow required for balls" rumpus

"We're going to have a lot more opportunities in order to think through how we get the customers to want to trade up from a lower-priced offering to a higher-priced offering, and we're certainly experimenting with that," he yelled.

Microsoft courts customers for search help

Will they be serving drinks at this "PubCenter"?

Bwahahaha! They couldn't even get the *name* right!

Paris Hilton scoops triple Razzie dishonour

@J-Wick

serves you right for getting a bootleg copy! :D

NASA 'scope captures ferocious gamma ray burst

@Kaboom

more like a bad 1/8th of a second.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diaspora_(novel)

Missed flight woman goes absolutely mental

Frankly...

there have been times when airports and their sheer uselessness have given me the screaming abjabs. No matter how "comic" it was, I'm with her. No-one looks at their best when they are apoplectic with rage.

Minister trashes ex-spook chief's liberty warning

If you want to talk about V for Vendetta...

"And its no good blaming the drop in work standards on and management either... though to be sure, the management is very bad. In fact, let us not mince words... The Management is terrible! We've had a string of embezzelers, frauds, liars and lunatics making a string of catastrophic decisions. This is plain fact. But who elected them? It was you! You who elected these people! You who gave them the power to make your decisions for you! While I'll admit that anyone can make a mistake once, to go on making the same lethal errors century after century seems to me nothing short of deliberate. You have encouraged these malicious incompetents, who have made your working life a shambles. You have accepted without question their senseless orders. You have allowed them to fill your workspace with dangerous and unproven machines. You could have stopped them. All you had to say was "No". You have no spine. You have no pride. You are no longer an asset to the company."

Cocaine now cheaper than lager

£2.75 a pint?!

Off to the Wetherspoons with you!

Wakefield does a Brum with possessive apostrophes

and the final word goes to Clive James...

http://books.guardian.co.uk/departments/poetry/story/0,,1473515,00.html

Morse sells loss-making consultancy

shame it was a buyout

else it would have been

"There's been a merrrrger, Lewis..."

Isle of Man gov gets social

is it not...

...also famous for flogging homosexuals (whether they ask for it or not) ?

Google faces post-Fleetwood Mac comedown

EEk!

Isn't amanfrommars translating things from the Reg into English one of the signs of the Apocalypse????

Outgoing Seagate CEO: Bill's big bill

wouldn't it be cheaper...

...to hire a hitman?

Brits 'a bunch of yellow bastards', says irate Yank

Like Billy Connelly said about Reagan:

"My dad's half his age and we don't trust him with the remote control to the telly!"

Reading punts free mobile info service

just tried it on my old Nokia 6288

aaaaand - out of memory error! Oh well, back to Opera Mini and a bit of gumption.

Cisco waves excuse boilerplate as profits fall

10% of 67,000 != 2000

who knows what else they've got wrong in their sums. Maybe they didn't make a profit at all, because they ran out of fingers to count on.

South Pole stilt-base builder to give lecture in Sadville

I guess...

...it's nice to see the Reg slagging off worthwhile things as well as useless things :p

I'm sure he's able to give his demo with an actual working model of the Station, which would be impossible in normal circumstances.

I'm supremely indifferent to Second Life (tried it out, and as the Elizabethans say: "So what?") but I'm still confused about why El Reg doth protest too much.

Kurzweil to found 'Singularity Uni' in Silicon Valley

Good grief...

Reading their stuff made me want to bite through my arms.

I'm all for a positive attitude, but this is exactly the kind of Web 2.0 tosh that gives our industry a bad name...

oh, sod it:

http://www.angryflower.com/atlass.gif

What's next for Microsoft's Flight Sim partners?

Grrr!

Of all the things they could have got rid of - they scoot right past the useless rubbish like Zune and cut Flight Simulator!

This is the program which in the early days was the real benchmark of whether you produced an IBM clone PC "Does it run Flight Simulator?"

Birmingham drops the possessive apostrophe

It's nice to know...

...that no subject is too small for Pavlov's Frothing Dogs.

Memo to Microsoft: Enough with the SKUed Windows

Am I the only one?

"During the recent second quarter, though, the wheels fell off Microsoft's plan and sales of all premium editions to PC manufacturers fell 11 points to 64 per cent, as sales of the PCs capable of running them crashed."

I read that as "the PC's running them crashed."

'I HOPE YOUR HOUSE IS NEAR THE SEA HAHAHAHA!!!!'

I'd love to know...

...which story he thought he was replying to.

Paris Hilton correctly identifies UK Prime Minister

awful. Just awful.

that is all. Thank you for your time.

Microsoft IE8 rolls out the astroturf

great quote

"You know I work at Microsoft, and that I love technology," it reads. "Sometimes I love Microsoft technology so much that I can't wait to tell people about it, and this is one of those times. Microsoft has just released the Release Candidate 1 for Internet Explorer 8, and I think you should install it and use it today."

"Then, come with me to the Scientologists and take one of their friendly, friendly personality tests"

Disabling Windows Autorun - there's a right way and a wrong way

@Surely....

Yes! You could put it on a USB stick and have it run automatically! No, wait...

EU sees high speed networking in Photonics

Photonics?

are these like super high speed clacks towers then? Or does the user suddenly get bathed in a huge Close Encounters-like beam oscillating at 10 GHz?