Posts by Morpho Devilpepper

What do you call megabucks Microsoft? No really, it's not a joke. El Reg needs you

On so many levels

Apophis 365

Make America Infringe Again: Trump campaign video pulled over Batman copyright

Re: Herr Trump

It's easy when one stuffs the judicial branch with lackeys and crooks, most of which Mitch McConnell is glad to rubber-stamp, after 8 years of stonewalling Obama's moderate nominees.

Can my wife and I come live in Europe?

You can't wait?

Neither can America, trust me. Things are bound to get worse once Trump tries to annex Poland, following the blueprints of his ideological predecessor.

Kent bloke incurs the anchor of local council after fly-tipping boat

Tsk tsk

It was too much bother to dispose of correctly, so he said Frigate.

Snowbound Alaskan survives on frozen beer

Not even real beer

Eww...Coors Light?? I would rather have survived on antifreeze and swatches of upholstery. Not that I'd survive long, but I'd die with some pride remaining...

Anonymous hacks Sony PS3 sites

Anonymous = al-Qaeda.net

Seems to me this is typical terrorist practice...attack your target by harming (or at least inconveniencing) innocents.

Denying people the use of what they've already paid for does not hurt Sony, it hurts their customers. It's more than heavy handed, and a bit narcissistic, to think that your actions against a target are important enough that you can just disregard the collateral damage.

That's not the least bit heroic; it's cowardly and despicable. I pay for my Netflix subscription via PS3 and I damned well expect to be able to use it.

Assange ambushes Australian Prime Minister on live TV

@John Smith 19

You need to understand that:

(1) Assange making the accusation of treason means that it's his expectation that the entire democratic process at work in the free world must defer to his rather biased decree.

(2) International law does not require that every wingnut fringe hacktivist agree with it in order to be subject to it. And there's no such thing as a right to break the law.

(3) Assange may not pay people to procure illicit data, but he does demand payment from news agencies in exchange for early access to the data his cronies release, and he openly denounces those who refuse to play his payola game. Corrupt much?

All politicians everywhere sabre-rattle. It's called vote-pandering. They're expecting their voter base to pat them on the back for their rather impotent venom directed at the "bin Laden du jour." That doesn't mean that the appropriate punishment involves jeopardizing diplomacy worldwide for the sake of sh!ts and giggles (or some rather subjective Guy Fawkes-esque idea of vigilante justice).

No man is an island...or an entire nation.

So, Gillard is a traitor to Australia for not protecting their own local Michael Moore wannabe and his flock from an angry world? When did Assange suddenly gain the rights and privileges to speak on behalf of the entire nation of Australia for his own personal purposes?? Seems to me Julian is rapidly becoming the Kim Jong Ill of the blogosphere. He's essentially a blogger with a fanclub and a God complex, not much else.

HBGary's nemesis is a '16-year-old schoolgirl'

I refute the validity of a freedom-fighter...

...whose representative demographic incorporates the entire world's Justin Bieber fanbase. And I revile anyone who hero-worships a bunch of script kiddies who couldn't spell their own names if their lives depended on it.

When did we all decide that criminal acts are cool as long as some authority figure is embarrassed by it? All you Anonymous supporters...keep in mind who your heroes are when they steal your identity and credit records in order to fund their "fight against evil."

Apple fanbois leak secrets of Mac OS X Lion

"How shall we f*ck off, oh Jobs?"

Funny how Apple's efforts at privacy are hindered if not trampled outright by their most rabid followers. Reminds me of "The Life of Brian," with that crowd who wouldn't give the guy a moment's peace.

Anonymous hacks Westboro Baptists during live interview

Bad idea

As much as I hate the WBC, this just gives them ammunition that they can hand to their minions to fling at the sane folk, in lieu of the usual fistful of poo.

First of all, Anon (or Jester, or whatever) should not have bragged about it; that's free publicity for America's foremost hate institution. Secondly, they should have just quietly rerouted the site to some hideous fetish link. Not that I'm encouraging crime, mind you...just saying, that would've been better.

Three-day gaming session kills Chinese man

There is only one solution...

Gaming cafes must provide intravenous nutrient and hydration feed, a full reclining cyber-couch, and full neural interface with the game. That way your body can rest easy whilst you slay imaginary goobers with your imaginary weaponry, in your imaginary life that is so much better than your "real" one.

This would also be a boon to the Chinese government, as it would give them an opportunity to re-program these folks to be more docile and subservient citizens. Direct neural interface is much more efficient than subliminal messages embedded in commercials and cartoons.

Mysterious crypto-book dated to 15th century

Lovecraft was right!!!

So there WAS a Necronomicon after all! And it features...shoggoth porn??

I, for one, welcome our new eager-to-cavort-with-shoggoths overlords. Or ladies. Whichever.

Joy Division get the Playmobil treatment

EPIC!!!

This can only be surpassed by a Playmobil version of Christian Death performing "Spiritual Cramp."

I now have this odd urge to build statues of Joy Division's members in MineCraft. Good thing they now have multiple shades of black/grey wool...I'll be needing it.

Mexican army interdicts dope-slinging catapult

I would like to propose...

...that we christen this device the "Ganjapult."

Chaps tolerant of girl-on-girl cheating by other halves

Not Frickin' Likely...

If there was a chance in hell that they would ask the guy to join in, he would've been invited in the first place.

And I'd see it as cheating either way. Not sure why any guy would "tolerate" it...unless he were allowed to watch. If not, he's not only been betrayed, he's also been left out.

Bottom line...if you keep trying to join in and they keep kicking you out of bed, you'd better just get your coat and piss off out of it...

Man killed by own cock

Goes to show...

As we've all been told before, if you mishandle your cock it may cause you trouble, and just might result in serious injury. Of course, anyone dumb enough to strap razors to their cock is just begging for a slit.

All right, I'm going. No need to phone the cops...

Yank fires up iPhone-controlled beer cannon

For what it's worth...

The vast majority of the few decent beers born on this side of the Atlantic are brewed here in Colorado. Notable exceptions are Dogfish Head and Sam Adams breweries. Other than that, we've got the few craft breweries who know that ale is not lager with brown food coloring stirred in, and that not all stouts must taste like automotive cleaner.

Here's to dark beer and the demise of Buttweiser.

Enormous Paleozoic flesh-eaters created in lab

Caught you didn't I

Another fan of "Primeval" I see...

At any rate, it sounds as if what's actually happening is that modern insects are stimulated to grow to prehistoric proportions in a simulated paleozoic environment. Thankfully there's no splice-and-dice geneterrorism going on here.

Adobe Reader browse-and-get-pwned 0day under attack

Quite compelling

This supports my theory that most of the computer viruses in existence were created by Mac users.

OK...maybe not. Makes you wonder, though...

Hong Kong monitor maker sues Apple over iPad moniker

Actually...

I think the pad sizes indicate the size that they CREATE, not the size that they improve upon.

There wouldn't be so many efforts to pick holes in Steevus Christ's coat if (a) he weren't such an iPutz about the whole "if I use a word it becomes mine forever" thing, and (b) he weren't richer than God's accountant.

Notorious Koobface worm ported to Mac OS X

Why bother?

You don't need malware to compromise an Apple system. Their OS will already crack like eggshells under the slightest malicious tinkering. Guess that's why there aren't many Apple viruses...

Robot goes berserk in Balkan lab: 6 boffins given dead arms

Should've seen it coming.

Hey. You. Humanoid science-type person. Would you care to receive a Megahertz Donut?

Heh.

Indiana judges dismiss girl's nipple exposure appeal

Heroes in their own minds

It's not a coincidence that the people most likely to fight for their freedom of expression are not justice crusaders lamenting the government's ill treatment of downtrodden victims. No, instead it's a bunch of idiot children who demand their right to act up and get away with it. And they are coddled, encouraged, perhaps even inspired by feckless lawyers who drool at the thought of yet another asinine, yet very public and hotly debated, freedom-of-speech case. If someone went back in time and enlightened the early American congressmen regarding the most likely future use of the freedom of expression, they would crumple the Bill of Rights and start over.

Samoan clerics finger homosexuals over global warming

Jesus wept...

God, those article titles...when will I learn not to eat whilst perusing the Reg? Cough, choke, hack...

At any rate, seems to me that religion and it's accompanying hot-air dispersal would be a more likely culprit for climate change.

Super-tough wireless sensors 'to be dropped into volcanoes'

Isn't anyone else wondering...

...why the big-time volcano boffins are in Newcastle? I'm pretty sure there aren't many places farther from active volcanoes than Newcastle. Do they at least occasionally vacation in Iceland or Hawaii, or something?

Aside from that...isn't molten metal (which is mixed in with molten rock) a good source of heavy duty electromagnetic interference? How close would the listening station need to be?

Steve Jobs in iPhone bitchslap to creationists, Tea Party

A couple of things...

Here's 2 things that I just don't understand...

1) The way the Religulous Right here in the USA can claim that they are making progress into our future, when they are obviously stapled to a 2,000 year old dead horse that they flog viciously when no one is paying attention to them.

2) The way your average net addict can read a story thoroughly, scrutinize the details, and then take the time to criticize it and question its newsworthiness as though their opinion mattered. If an article is, as you say, not worth reading...what does that say about the twit who invests such effort pointing that out???

Whoops...I hear the Conservative stormtroopers coming. Where's that can of pepper spray...?

Google data center links shot down by 'bored' riflemen

Disclaimer

There are no "rednecks" in Oregon. I believe the appropriate term is "ass backward inbred militia nutsacks."

Dell comes clean on open source

Kettle calls Pol Pot...what??

MS may demand all they want, but unlike Apple they won't dispatch armed police to force you to comply. Just sayin'.

I know my get-out-of-jail-free card is in one of these coat pockets...

Linus Torvalds outs himself as US citizen

Drama Queen Much?

The U.S. is the most oppressive state? Really? So far the U.S. has no officially state-sanctioned religion by which people can be and are punished (like Iran), no CCTV cameras installed every 30 meters (like in the U.K.), no commonly accepted political assassinations (like in Russia), no government sanctioned program designed to forcibly purify the nation's racial homogeneity (like Israel), no government limitations on starting a church or rushed trials involving death sentences (like in China)...the list could go on forever.

I get that Linus's disciples are rabidly anti-establishment, but do the more rabid specimens really believe the trash they talk?

Beeb deploys ISS as unit of measurement

Hmph...

I'm starting to think the answer should've just been posted in the article. After reading about a dozen posts bearing roughly the same answer to the math question, I find myself severely amusement-deprived. Yes, I did the math too, but I'm not about to mistakenly presume that (a) I'm the only one who did, and (b) anyone cares.

Instead I will buck the trend by pointing out that, given the sheer number of coins, heat expansion as well as nasty accumulated coin-schmutz (a.k.a. grime) would be factors that would noticeably affect the total height of the stack. Not to mention that you'd need to measure from exactly the same land elevation and/or the same distance from the earth's core and...ugh.

Screw this...I'm going to watch some Zero Punctuation videos. Laters.

iTunes disses doctorates

Speaking of "get over yourself..."

The next person who introduces him- or herself to me as an "esquire" will receive a smack on the nose. With a rolled-up copy of "Esquire" magazine.

'PatentGate' allegations denied by Apple

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain

"There is no antenna issue. There is no iPad overheating issue. There is no patent issue. And the Americans are nowhere near Baghdad, they are miles and miles away..."

HK 'Dog Man' jailed for voodoo ritual sex

The Gospel according to Dong

Yea brethren, takest thou thy wits about ye and guard thyself against the deceit of the Evil One. For lo, thou art but sheep to this wolf, and Lo, if thou droppest thy guard he may Fuk-Yee.

Amen.

Naomi Campbell admits handling 'blood diamonds'

Urrrgh...

Christ, people...it's called "Odds and Sods" for a reason! If you aren't morbidly amused by oddball stories involving incompetent celebrities making themselves look even dumber than usual, then go read a Linux textbook. Your cynicism buttons must be jammed.

Now, as I was saying, I don't blame Naomi for being reluctant to admit having handled Taylor's dirty stones. Think of the social stigma. He really should've washed them first before giving them to her.

ET voted fave family film fodder

Yawn, sob...

A whopping 2,500 people? And still not enough of them with enough sense to vote "The Princess Bride" into the top 10? I weep for humanity.

E.T. was fun, but you didn't see him swashing his buckle about saying "Hello...my name is Insipid Muppet. You took my Reese's Pieces, prepare to die."

*Hrm* Right, well, must be off. Bad satire doesn't write itself...

Liberal Google, Yahoo!, Apple hurting America claims Reagan

Didn't you know???

Every time you pay someone other than "Reagan II: the Sequel" for your online communication, liberal Islamic abortionists burn a Bible on a pile of smoldering fetuses while worshipping Satan. It's all right here in the Book of Revelation, in the Reagan chapter. It's that part that's scrawled in the margin, in pen.

Just when I thought the conservative propaganda juggernaut could not stoop lower, they dig a new sub-basement and snuggle right in.

Is it all over for Mars Rover?

Say hi to Major Tom if you see him...

NASA: "Spirit this is a radio check, acknowledge if able, over."

Spirit: "TELL THOSE STINGY MARTIAN BLEEDERS TO TURN THE EFFING HEAT UP...I'M DYIN' HERE!"

Blizzard comes out clean after WoW pants-down plans

"Noo...don't expose me

...for the non-life-having, vitriolic abuse-monger that I am. If I can't abuse people anonymously like a pyromaniac foster-child I don't know what I'll do!"

Feh. MMORPGs should come with built-in psychotherapy.

Gizmodo editor reunited with seized goods

Overheard conversation

Between 2 California cops/Apple stormtroopers.

"Give him back his phones. Those aren't the droids we're looking for. And we need a warrant too."

Lindsay Lohan: The interactive court drama

Alco-whah??

I'm still waiting to hear that her suit against E-Trade has resulted in her being banned from taking legal action on her own behalf...

Paris, because Lindsay is just copying everything she does anyway.

For sale: Dr No's Scottish bunker complex

Where's my checkbook??

Think of the parties I could host there! Now if only I had some friends...

Piles for Windows - a pain in the arse?

A pain where??

If you think Windows is a pain in the arse, it's probably user error. Easy mistake I guess...the disc is shaped for a rather different slot though.

New dinosaur dubbed 'Mojoceratops' - 'over a few beers'

Much better than my suggestion

I was going for Mofosaurus Wankerii.

But then, I'm hardly an expert. I rarely drink at work.

Speaking of...maybe a late liquid lunch. I'm off.

Telco sets honey pot for nuisance marketers

This is even better...

...than my old idea of taking spam faxes, filling them out with contact info from other spam faxers, and sending them in. That was fun though...

Fight the good fight!!

El Reg marks Steve Jobs for termination

Taketh not the name of Jobs-hova in vain.

Really...sounds like the kind of thing Tom Cruise might say to someone who criticizes that other scamlord supreme, L. Ron Hubbard. Lots of parallels between Scientology and Macophilia:

-Similarity in dress code

-Monomaniacal ideology

-Relative incompetence in subject matter (ask the average Mac-adamian what a PCIe bus is and you'll get a blank, drooly stare)

George Lucas rattles lightsabre at Jedi laser firm

Sick of this already

George Lucas and Steve Jobs apparently think that their income between big hit products/movies/whatever can be fulfilled by way of lawsuit. Some judge somewhere just needs to step in and say "WTF are you doing?! Quit wasting my time. Go do something useful and leave these folks alone."

Superpowered energy-storing wonder stuff created in lab

Reminds me of the cartoons...

The old Transformers cartoons had highly energetic cubes too...called them Energon, I believe. We may have just made our planet a target for trans-morphing pseudo-sentient metallic warlords.

Colorado vampire drives woman into canal

It figures

We Coloradans are surrounded by idiots, apparently. First there was Balloon Boy, then there was the Bin Laden Avenger, now schizo drivers are swerving to avoid imaginary emo anti-heroes.

I'm about 1 second away from running away to live in Canada.

Sozzled Oz bozos in reciprocal literal ass-cap-pop

Nostalgia

Reminds me of "A Christmas Story." Except it's "You'll shoot your brown eye out!".