* Posts by lawndart

426 publicly visible posts • joined 16 Dec 2009


Where can I hide this mic? I know, shove it down my urethra


Don't worry. Those flash drives will disappear fast enough when it is their turn to save the universe

Best thing about a smart toilet? You can take your mobile in without polluting it


It's easy to tell if someone has sat down and really worked at producing good toilet humour or if they are just going through the motions.

Brit military boffins buy airtime on HD eye-in-the-sky video satellite


The size of a washing machine

As long as they don't try to spin stabilize it at 1,200 rpm they should be ok

Arrrgh! Put down the crisps! 'Ultra-processed' foods linked to cancer!


Careful. It's entirely possible putting your tongue in your cheek may give you cancer.

Landlubber northern council shores up against boat-tipping


Re: I wonder if...

This sort of thing seems to happen quite regularly with small boats, or so it seems if the sailing club I belong to happens to be typical. Even to boats properly secured to the trailer.

Last year one member who had been out to another venue with his dinghy was chagrined to find it was not attached to the trailer on return to the club. Fortunately, when backtracking the route a horse rider said she had seen a boat in the ditch a little way down the road. It survived the experience with just a couple of minor scuffs to the underside.

Car trouble: Keyless and lockless is no match for brainless


Damnit Dabbsy, if in a few weeks I find myself having binge watched the entire GOTS series again I may sue!

Or send a letter of thanks.

Red panic: Best Buy yanks Kaspersky antivirus from shelves


No one mention that ZoneAlarm uses Kaspersky as its antivirus or merkins will be disabling their firewalls too.

Bonkers call to boycott Raspberry Pi Foundation over 'gay agenda'


OK, we've heard lots of opinions on the subject. However I'm still waiting to hear Brewster's angle.

French general accused of nicking fast jet for weekend trips to the Sun


Re: Silver Spitfire

If it's out there then www.bookfinder.com is probably your best bet.

There is a book called The Eagle and the Hawk by Alec Carstairs, but by the book cover it is probably about a spitfire pilot.

UK hospital meltdown after ransomware worm uses NSA vuln to raid IT


Come on GCHQ, this is your time to shine. Get in there and sort this out.

Virgin Media scales back Project Lightning target in first quarter results


Re: Smoke and Mirrors

Same here. Paying for 70, getting 77.7

Sort of makes up for the years that they wouldn't replace my 16Mbit max Motorola Surfboard even though the service I was paying for had been raised way beyond the capability of the kit supplied. Eventually it expired and the engineer was shocked when he saw it. He had thought them all retired some years earlier.

Would you believe it? The Museum of Failure contains quite a few pieces of technology


I actually have some Legendary Harley-Davidson shower gel. It was probably a christmas present from the 90's and has lain in a drawer since. It smells OK, but it has had nearly 20 years for the more volatile aromas to fade away.

Fixing your oven can cook your computer


Re: Coincidence?

He was clearly trying to launder some money

Goodbye, cruel world! NASA's Cassini preps for kamikaze Saturn dive


Re: Crashing our junk in somebody else's backyard...

It may land on the back of a rukh, or be swallowed by one.

UK.gov confirms it won't be buying V-22 Ospreys for new aircraft carriers


Re: A traditional point of view

Yours is an interesting take on the battle.

Glorious had been used to transport fighter aircraft to Norway to support the ground forces there. Once it was decided to evacuate Norway the aircraft were to be destroyed, however the pilots of the Hurricanes and Gladiators pleaded with the Navy to get their aircraft back to Britain. Without these pilots ever having performed a carrier landing before and with aircraft not fitted with arrestor hooks the planes were all landed safely. This meant Glorious had no space on her deck to launch or recover aircraft as the Hurricanes could not be taken down into the hangar as their wings did not fold. This is why there were no aircraft up to spot.

NASA finds India's missing lunar orbiter with Earth-bound radar


So the spacecraft passes through the beam. I'm not sure how well focussed NASA can keep the beam after travelling 385,000 km. 160km probably means they can just miss the Moon and consequently remove any backscatter from the surface. They should still spot anything orbitting at 200km above the poles, especially when the craft's orbit is end on to the Earth so it will rise and fall through the aim point of the beam.

US military drone goes AWOL, ends up crashing into tree 623 miles away


Presumably the US military don't use a version of PANTS. Either that or they installed some tree-balancing code written by a programmer attempting to enter the country and the drone tried to knock a tree over.

Bee boffins prove sesame-seed brain is all you need to play football (well, that explains a lot)


Have the boffins devised a method of teaching the bees the offside rule yet?

Jun-OH-NO! NASA's Jupiter probe in busted helium-valve drama


Re: Well, crap....

The failed orbital reduction manoeuvre does not affect the closest approach to Jupiter, so there will be no reduction in the quality of the spacecraft's data collection. The data will be arriving in 53.5 day intervals instead of 14 day. The spacecraft is in a 90 degree polar orbit intended to cover the entirety of Jupiter's surface during the 14 day orbit part of the mission so it may take many more passes to successfully complete the mapping. I'm wondering whether Jupiter's moons and other bits of gravel it has orbiting it will perturb Juno's path by much. The current orbit's apoapsis is in a gap between a pair of the major moon groups.

Microsoft offers drone lovers a simulator


Is PANTS part of the suite of algorithms?

FYI: Ticking time-bomb fault will brick Cisco gear after 18 months


Probably a dodgy batch of redstone. Someone's mixed in some nether quartz dyed red with poppies.

BT installs phone 'spam filter', says it'll strain out mass cold-callers


Re: answer machine

Dennis the bloody hero, slayer of one of the scourges if modern life.

How's that for work experience?

Mr Angry pays taxman with five wheelbarrows worth of loose change


Re: He'd be shit out of luck in the UK

"Unless you sign your name "Stephen" instead of "S. Maturin"."

I always imagine Sir Joseph grinning from ear to ear when he writes his "apology" to the good doctor.

Microsoft's Blue Screen of Death dead in latest Windows 10 preview



The shade of blue used in BSODs. Is it Norwegian?

You have the right to be informed: Write to UK.gov, save El Reg


Picks up the phone...

Hello, lawndart solicitors. Yes. I see. Well we do specialize in Section 40 cases. You want to know how much we charge? How much do you want us to charge? Yes, really. Do you despise the publisher or just want to send them a warning message? You wish they never existed. Fair enough, in that case our fees will be £1m per hour. No, no, you don't have to pay anything. They will be the ones paying, win or lose. You want us to charge £10m per hour? That's fine. See you in court!

Amazon files patent for 'Death Star' flying warehouse


Nor Colonel White, for that matter.

All aboard the warship that'll make you Sicker


Looks sleeker than the earlier River class.

A knuckle and deep bilge keels. D K Brown would have approved.

Why your gigabit broadband lags like hell – blame Intel's chipset


Re: VM to gig BB in the UK

Superhub 2, black, loads of lights on the end and embossed VM logo on the sides.

Superhub 3: white, only one light on the end and has mesh sides for cooling.

I still have a SH1 and have only had that a couple of years, thanks to VM not upgrading my old Motorola Surfboard from 2001 until it finally died, even when requested.

Woman rescues red pepper Donald Trump from vegetarian chilli


It's clearly the Virgin Mary.

Giving birth.

Eugene Kaspersky is now personally defending your feet


Virus Alert:

Kaspersky antivirus has discovered infection HERPES ZOSTER at location RIGHT ANKLE and has shut down and quarantined RIGHT ANKLE as a safety precaution.

I think I already have Kaspersky installed since my last bout of shingles repeatedly shut down operations to my right knee. This lead to many not-quite-amusing leg collapsing moments.

It's ALIVE: Juno back online after reboot


Re: Safe Mode?

It's easy, they have a wireless keyboard.

Dutch bicycle company pretends to be television company


Re: TV already is a drug

Marx would have seen it for what it is


TV already is a drug

The opiate of the masses.

Paint your wagon (with electric circuits) but leave my crotch alone


Brilliant, thank you


Is this really a Dabbsy article? Where's the music video?

Pizza delivery by drone 'trialled' in New Zealand


Re: Stooopeed!

What you have is two drones. Each with two cameras. One camera for looking where it is going and the other watches the other drone to maintain line of sight at all times.

Cops break up German sausage fight between pair of Neubrandenburgers


"1cm wide dent on the rear right door."

Write off.

Render crashing PCs back to their component silicon: They deserve it


Re: "...taking it out to a lonely field at dawn and kicking the shit out of it..."

More effective than a gom jabbar, less hassle with the fallout from using the family atomics.

Newly spotted distant dwarf planet orbits the Sun every 700 years


A name

As planet names are taken from mythology and are getting increasingly obscure the more lumps of rock we find out there, how about recent or alternative mythology?

I propose Nuggan as the name of the new world.

Magnetic, heat scanners to catch Tour de France electric motor cheats


Re: Tech

I now have a vision of the Tour de France with all the competitors riding Colin Furze pulse jet bikes.

There probably wouldn't be much slipstreaming and the crowd would hand out small calor gas bottles instead of drinks.

Brexit threatens Cornish pasty's racial purity



Is there some EU legally-defined "clutching straw" that is being grasped at here?


Re: Swings and Roundabouts.

"one single hyper-efficient completely automated combination slaughterhouse and pastry smelter".

I've built quite a few of these in Minecraft

If The Register made reality music TV, this is what it would look like


I'd not spotted the competition

Otherwise I would have been straight in with:

Farage's Far Rages

A quiz show where the team have to work out what a distant Nigel is throwing a strop about this week.

Software snafu let EU citizens get referendum vote, says Electoral Commission


Re: *Cough* FIX!! *Cough*

I have this odd feeling that if by some weird chance the people voted to leave the EU then this would trigger some previously unrevealed "Hotel California" clause in the membership terms.

I don't have a TV so I miss out on a lot of the political spin, but when we have foreign national leaders such as President Obama coming over and instructing us on how to vote then my mental alarm bells go off full blast.

Smartwatches: I hate to say ‘I told you so’. But I told you so.


Re: MS Band

"Anyone remember when Casio et al were advertising digital watches with a 10 *YEAR* battery life? Match that smartwatch manufacturers."

I have one of those Casios on my wrist. The only problem I find is the straps only seem to last two years, then it is a right royal pain trying to get another because, although they all look very similar, apparently nothing else fits.

China confirms moonshot


In English and German I know how to count down,

But I'm baffled by Chinese,

Says Werhner von Braun

NASA flashes cash at advanced aerospace concepts


Re: but they had such a great backronym!

Doesn't sound like enough cash to build three of them.

Spaniard live streams 195km/h burn-up


Periscopear: The sudden stinging sensation on the side of the head that indicates a nosy submarine may have inadvertently approached too close to its target.

NASA gives blacked-out Kepler space 'scope the kiss of life


It was those weird signals it occasionally gave, like "This is SID. UFO detected, sector 4281 decimal 3."

Dropping 1,000 cats from 32km: How practical is that?


Re: Acceleration pedantry - x 7

The usage of "knot" does imply distance per unit of time, however it is shorthand for "knots per hour". It does not invalidate "knots per hour" as a term. In the days when streaming the log and counting the knots and fathoms run off before the 28 second timer ran out the two terms could be, and were, used interchangeably.

"[When the wind has a relative velocity of some 40 knots per hour]"

Lieutenant W Gordon RN, The Economy of the Marine Steam Engine, 1845.

In this modern age of impeller driven speed measurement and GPS the usage has made the knot the standard term, however the ultra-pedant should mention that the modern usage should be "nautical miles per hour". The knot is a slightly shorter distance than a nautical mile (although the nautical mile distance is dependent on which country you are from anyway).