Posts by LinkOfHyrule

Apple iGlasses

Well not quite everything, but they did invent the wheel - it's a rounded rectangle with reduced straight bits essentially!

Smutty books strip Harry Potter of Amazon crown

Re: A pallet full

It was but luckily I managed to brush the incident aside

Re: A pallet full

I was indeed but for the sake of my reputation I think it's best I gloss over it!

True story....

Well, I went on Amazon the other week to order Fifty Shades of Grey - I thought the price was a little extortionate at first but I guess it's the price you pay for finding out what all the fuss is about...

Imagine my surprise two days later when a pallet full of Dulux turns up at my front door and the delivery man says to me "I have your fifty shades of grey here mate!"

b-boom!

Mines the one with splodges of "Lovers Drizzle Eggshell", "Midnight Depression Matte" and "Major's Extra Dull" all over it!

Apple iPad fondlers are about to enter a THIRD DIMENSION

I'm surprised they don't just patent a process involving pushing out predigested foodstuffs from a ring of muscle in a persons lower digestive tract, into a large porcelain bowl filled with water, with additional user input via the use of wiping touch gestures during the clean up process and then just sue all of mandkind's arse's off literally!!!!!!

SHEEP NEED TWITTER, insist my noble Lords

Re: Quick straw poll:

I cant use a power shower they are not compatible with our douching attachment unfortunately.

a fridge that accesses Betfair.com

Hell no. That is a pretty desperate image - a mother and father so addicted to online gambling that they are placing bets while making little johnny his eggy bread for din dins, in the kitchen, on their Beko fridge, brought from the Freeman's catalogue on tick no doubt - (does Freeman's even still exist anyone know?) damn what a horrid thought!

Thank you for that depressing image! Words are powerful you know, theatre of the mind and all that! And those few words of yours produced in my mind a depressing made for TV kitchen sink drama set in Stoke-on-Trent during a Big Society+Facebook induced nuclear apocalypse directed by Ken Loach!

Dropbox blames staffer's password reuse for spam flood breach

Web attic

That one took a few seconds to kick in as at first I thought it was a typing error, then I was all like "attic?" oh I get it now, a place where you store all your useless shit until you die and it ends up on Cash in the Attic when your family decide to sell all your private personal processions so that they can fund a three-day trip to Blackpool to play Bingo and get drunk on cheap fortified wine in your memory...

Don't think it actually works to be honest, how about Web Dodgy Dossier or Web Cubby Hole instead?

And why does Firefox's spell checker want me to change it to say "Chubby Hole" that's a bit rude! The perils of open source - should be called open sauce lol

New version of Chrome can WATCH and LISTEN

Re: Suggestion?

Might give it a whirl then - I actually prefer firefox overall despite describing it as verminous - but I like to have a bit of browsage redundancy for those times when you get stupid error messages like "oops we droped a bollock and crashed because Adobe can't code their way out of a wet paper bag when writing flash plugins" etc..

Time to uninstall that shite I reckon and go back to the skanky verminous fox instead for all your browsing needs!

Boy cuffed after Twitter troll's drown threat to Olympic diver Tom Daley

Re: The Frankie Boyle angle

Love how this thread managed to go off on to Foxconn factories and suicide - good old el Reg!

Re: Good

Upvoted for "puppy dogs entrails"

Anonymous declares war after French firm trademarks its logo

comprehensively pwned

That phrase made me do a LOL.

I imagine these French dudes will be part of a forthcoming comprehensive pwnage strategy as a result of their marketing genuis...

Paris because she's fully comprehensive herself in many ways.

Tesco in unencrypted password email reminder rumble

It's totally a business decision. They must get in the order of a hundred or more less customer service phone calls per day by sending out plaintext instead of resets from non tech savy customers I would say.

Fucking idiots / clever bastards depending how you look at it - until they get hack in which case the first one applies only.

Re: What happened to the death of El Reg icon?

Someone hacked my account once for a joke - they change my order from a weekly shop to 120 cucumbers, 60 pots of Vaseline, 80 pairs of Marigold rubber gloves, 40 bottles of Johnson's Baby Oil, 140 cans of squirty cream, 50 packs of rubber johnnies, 20 packs of 200 clothes pegs and one copy of What HiFi Magazine.

I was fucking well embarrassed! Not by the obvious orgy supplies but by the hifi mag!

Chinese student's smut obsession lands 2,000 in JAIL

police downloaded over 1TB of porn

and also in the same week...

Police station tissue supplies ran dry, cases of officer repetitive strain injury quadrupled, and at least one senior investigator is reported to have gone blind!

Ubisoft assassinates Uplay flaw, denies DRM rootkit

Because gamers are bitches in the eyes of Ubisoft execs?

Microsoft unveils fondle-ready keyboards, mice

Perfect timing

I'm on the lookout for something stylish to wedge my door open with, I think I have found it...

Paris 'cus she knows a good thick wedge when she sees one!

Apple mulls over investment in Twitter

Re: Dodgy valuation?

The thing about twitter and its low capacity one-hundred-and-forty character limit is that...

Fuck I ran out of characters!

Google snaps bird's eye view of Olympic Village

dum, dum, dum dum, dum, dumdumdum...

I can't tell if I'm looking at Google Earth or the EastEnders title sequence.

WikiLeaks punks The New York Times with op-ed hoax

Follow my new twitter feeds

@TheRéglstér

@NéiI McA||ister

@ArIdrew OrIowski

@Julian-Arse-Anger

All genuine material, absolutely no fakery!

Skype denies system upgrade enables in-call spying

They are telling the truth

They are telling the truth. The Police and FBI DO NOT have the ability to listen to skype calls...

It's the NSA, CIA, MI5 and MI6 who have the skype backdoors dude!

Google adds handwriting to mobile search site

Re: How long?

What I really could do with is arse-cheek recognition. I know it's a bit niche but in my line of work it would be a godsend!

Twitter impostors stop at NOTHING to drag athletes through mud

Great advert - when I become rich and famous, I will choose Social Imposter to protect my online profile too!

ITV scoffs at ad slump as production arm hauls in cash

Amazingly, foreigners want to watch The Jeremy Kyle show - and their broadcasters pay for it.

I imagine broadcasters do pay for it - in lost viewing figures by those with more than six braincells. Payday loans, bingo, cash4gold, personal injury lawyers, trashy celeb mags, bookies, lottery, junk-food and unneeded over counter medicines are obviously also big advertisers overseas too then!

I know ITV was always supposed to be a wee bit trashy but its epic these days! Might as well rename it Lidl TV and be done with it!

W3C names four new editors of HTML5 spec

Why is it all tech firms people and web types on these committees and no "normal" people.

Put someone like Paris on there or something! Maybe then they will cut some of the bullshit and in-fighting as soon as she pipes in with something like "uh excuse me but uh, dude, why do my youtubes not work in big blue e browser when I choose HTML 5 mode but it does in cute ginger fox browser? I mean duh, I don't get it!"

Nationwide DOUBLES card payments in fresh banking gaffe

dude when you screw up this epically, you have to expect complaints.

And when you don't fail this hard, when its just a single customer who has lost his whole months wages due to your own incompetence, you're saying he should just say "mustn't grumble, I'll be paid again in four and a half weeks time, until then I'll let me kiddies starve and the house get reprocessed" rather than phone up the bank and say "oi excuse me mate, but what the frig, where's all me green gone?"

It has nowt to do with whether its paper based or all on some mainframe - if you screw up people will, and have every right, to moan! If you don't like it, stop messing up!

I think Paris is the icon that best expresses this posting!

Re: This time it's me...

Bloody hell that's well cheeky - trying to get you signed up to a credit card at a time like this, plus its wasting time as I am sure they had a lot of calls on hold while she was doing that.

What was her sales pitch "next time we fuck up, use our new credit card to buy food with instead!"

All this is, is the banking equivalent of a double post on a forum...

All this is, is the banking equivalent of a double post on a forum...

Girls tricked by STEAMY message: Webcam spyware student jailed

Re: @LinkOfHyrule

I know - you've hit the nail on the head here - if only they drank tea and had electric kettles.

I would have no idea how to cope with certain stressful and difficult situations over there - what is the US equivalent of "shall we have a nice cup of tea" or "shall i put the kettle on" which is the natural response we have to well, actually every bloody kind of situation when you think about it!

Re: Porn

Now I'm worried about the chap further up the comments with the Ann Widdecombe porno collection and how he came to acquire it - was that a case of "excuse me Miss Widdecombe- I notice your Windows ME seems to be playing up again, would you like me to take a look at your lappy for you and fix it? And don't worry, I wont remove your cat desktop wallpaper!"

Re: @LinkOfHyrule

lol Actually if we do have some Tea Fetishists in here, I'm cool with that, we could do some teabagging!

B-boom!!

Re: This is why

Someone else mentioned "her" in relation to porn last week on here too - was that you too?

I have the number of a really good therapist ;o) It's okay, I am here for you, I aint judging you.

"You should fix your internal sensor soon. If unsure what to do, try putting your laptop near hot steam for several minutes to clean the sensor."

Now if that happened to me, and let's suppose I was someone who who knew nowt about computers and thought it was genuine even if a little weird - I wouldn't be taking the laptop into the bathroom with me, my first thought would be to head to the kitchen and brew up a cup of Twinnings!

And little nerdy perv boy, instead of seeing my lovely naked body all steamy and covered in soap, would instead be pulling his pud to images of my lime-scale coated kettle heating element and if he's lucky he might catch a glimpse of lip-on-porcelaine teacup slurping action but nothing more stimulating than that!

Never mind Azure: They BROKE Twitter!

Re: BBC

It's part of the testing for world war 3.0 - they are just seeing how the public cope with the idea of social networking rationing!

I cant wait for the government propaganda slogans...

Loose tweets, sink fleets

A stray like will down a flight

Skype a stranger, put your country in danger

And my personal fave - Check-in your location - and kill your whole family!

This outage is also affecting my joke telling abilities....

<%= joke beginning %>

<%= joke punchline %>

<%= reason for Paris %>

B-Boom!

Valve tried tongue-tied interface controller

Oi Gabe...

...I can assure you pal that using your tongue is not a "pretty good way of connecting a mechanical system to your brain" unless you happen to have some kind of disability in which case it could be very cool or you are very eccentric in which case it may be totally normal.

Other than that, its not pretty good at all - all the slime, bad breath, flakes of pork pie or sushi depending on your diet - its just gross!

I'm sorry but I do not want my next game controller to be made by oral-b!

Story gone

Re: Better watch out...

I laid a monster cable in the WC this morning - bring it on bitches sue me for it! That Samsung vs Apple judge will just tell us that, although my cable was composed entirely of shit, it just wasn't as shit as your cables - no case to answer!

Cops shutter net cafes to save Beijing's youth

Did they not have Olympic lanes four years ago then? I thought all hosting cities needed to have them these days and I am sure they must have had laws against saying "The Olympic Games" on penalty of ten years hard labour in a poundshop product supply factory.

I think London should be twinned with Beijing as they have so much in common, including air pollution!

UK ISPs promise punters 'full' and 'open' internet 'access'

Re: I bet the Goventards regret privatising BT now we have interwebz

lmao.

I bet the Goventards regret privatising BT now we have interwebz

If they hadn't, the small indy competitors would have gone bust yonks ago and as for BT itself - all internet usage would be goventard approved - each browsing session would start with you logging in with your national insurance number (which would be linked to your government mandated facebook account at this stage in time) on the gpo.uk.gov website.

All emails, voip calls and IMs would be logged, all file-sharing would be blocked, you'd pay the GPO/BT an hourly usage fee and when you logged off, your computer speakers would blare out the national anthem, akin to BBC1 closing down for the night in the "olden days" aka pre 1997!

They'd bloody love that, they wouldn't need their new ninteen-eighty-four style laws, they already exist and we'd be all moaning about how great America is because they have unrestricted lolcats and we dont!

Sorry, I realise it may sound like little of what I said has any relevance to the article - sod it I'm posting it anyway as the idea of everyone's PCs and tablets playing the national anthem when you finish a browsing sesh has me giggling! That's gotta be worth at least one upvote surely!

PlayStation burnout probe: It's not the Vita, it's YOU, says Sony

Re: Sony managers are on crack. Too much drugs

I'm sorry dude but comments like that are totally stupid and offensive!!!

Everyone knows its crystal meth they're on!

Foxconn should have designed the thing to be more sweat resistant - these gaming devices need to be able to cope with "gamers thumb" as the British Medical Journal calls it - textbook error guys!

Sysadmins! There's no shame in using a mouse to delete files

Windows using Idiot here...

I sometimes type things such as search queries and passwords using the on screen keyboard - I consider myself fully bi-mousual in this respect rather than to lazy to reach forward ten inches and use the keyboard! I don't need to use command lines for work related stuff or anything and I certainly have not memorised any commands but have been known to go native under special circumstances. Maybe next time the need arises I will be mousing my commands into the console window rather than fingering my way in using the keyboard, who knows, might give it a whirl!

I actually started using the on screen keyboard because for a while I shared a computer with a disabled person who could not type and his keyboard was literally, underneath his desk as he never used it!

O2 floods London with free Wi-Fi

"This may see amenities post ads to punters in the local area to promote discounted restaurant offers or last minute theatre deals, which might be just the ticket or annoying overkill. Time will tell. ®"

Finally, the Soho 'Tart Card' goes web 2.0!

Google asks YouTube commenters to stand up and be counted

Re: Big Brother's Fabian deception strategy

I never said it was trolling. I was expressing my freedom of speech in saying it males you a pussy ass bitch.

Yes I am posting under a fake name - I conduct all online "business" under a fake name and actually have two names I use "in real life" too plus a few other names I use as aliases for musical works I produce.

In all I have probably twenty to thirty names! It comes in handy for avoiding cross contamination, it means I can talk shit here unscathed too!

Here's a idea for those worried their government will arrest them for posting youtube comments - if google asks for your real name, lie! Or is that too hard?

Devs can't be bothered with Nokia's Windows Phone – report

And finally...

LOL This is just like the "good old days" of ITV with Trevor What's his face talking absolute shit on News At Ten.

Apple seeks whopping $2.525bn Samsung patent payout

Oh dude, I would so totally love to own an Amspad!