Posts by Richard Gray 1

On Call: Boss wrongly claimed IT deleted his files, refused to learn the one-click fix

New login procedures

We had rolled out new desktops to all users in an office over a weekend.

This required a *slightly* different login screen. usernames and passwords remained the same.

In order to stop any unwanted call after a very physical long weekend of working we printed out the idiots howto guide with READ THIS in large friendly letters and placed a copy on every keyboard so they could see how to log in with the new system.

the number of calls we got asking how to login was ridiculous. Asking about the sheet was always I didn't read it I just put it in the bin...

Summary

Users are idiots

Tech support chap told angry customer to think inside the box – and solved the problem

Too many to mention them all....

When I worked for a Politically Correct Planet in the 90's a guy bought a new printer but to save money he would use his existing printer cable.

Get it home faulty printer, bring it back works fine, home, fails, back at the shop works fine. He even brought his computer in .. worked fine.

He eventually brought everything in, including the oldest rattiest printer cable I'd ever seen. Of course it wasn't bi directional so didn't work with the printer.. I think he was given a cable in the end. All that to save a fiver...

Then there is the guy who held the VGA cable up to his computer and decided it wouldn't fit (he hadn't tried it it was just "obviously wrong") so phoned in saying he had the wrong monitor. After making sure that no pins were bent, he was trying the right place (colour coded cables what a boon!) it all sounded ok, so I asked him again to try it.. after many minutes of back and forth to try it, he eventually tried it.

He said he had been silly and remembering that the customer is always right I agreed with him.

Some one bought a new Compaq computer and it had a "faulty" power supply. I (now a service engineer) drove an hour or so to his house with a new power supply, looking like all the world a prop from Ghost busters.

I went in pulled down the flap at the front and pressed the power button. it sprang to life. a few more tests, all working, I asked it was an intermittent problem. he said he'd never seen the flap and had not known where the power button was....

Thief posed as Wi-Fi fixing hero, then stole priceless trophy

Train Security

I was working as a sub contractor for a Rail company as their local IT support.

We were told to move the large format printer (you know the HP ones that look a little like ED209) from the platform office (shed) to the main office building.

Although we had keys the platform office (shed) door was stuck so we had to basically shoulder charge it open.

Then disconnected and wheeled the large printer down the platform and out of the station. We didn't even have any clipboards, Hi Vis or anything. Just 2 dudes busting open a door and wheeling a huge, expensive printer away.

No one batted an eye, asked what we were doing, asked for ID or anything...

Palantir CEO: 10 percent of the world 'professionally hates us'

Re: I'd bet that closer to 95% ...

You had a miss hit on your keyboard, you managed to hit S instead of the W ... of and it's an e not an a near the end...easily confused with some pronunciations...

Japanese shipper MOL wants a floating datacenter, and Hitachi just climbed aboard

Interesting idea

I wonder if they could repurpose old oil rigs in the same way?

They already have large amounts of power / cooling, and could possibly get more power from wave / tide (I suspect not enough area for solar).

Many already have links back to the mainland which could be upgraded to have fibre connections.

Remove all the oil production equipment and there will be a significant amount of space.

As many of these are nearing end of production life it may be easier to push the final decommissioning down the line, and re use the legs / accommodation, and drop a data centre on top.

(Pirate tag because at sea obvs)

Server crashes traced to one very literal knee-jerk reaction

I have a few..

As an ex service engineer I have a couple of classics..

One from I can't turn it on.. went in with a new PSU switch and opened the door flap (remember those on the Compaq towers) and powered it up & down. I asked it it was an intermittent fault, it was a didn't RTFM fault and he didn't know that the door existed.

so many kicking the power lead out from the power brick on the dell small form factor PCs

but the best has to be the phone that kept hanging up....

(I was there at the beginning but had moved offices for the end so was told the resolution)

It turned out that the phones were extremely sensitive to static, and if you moved in the chair it created a small static charge that wasn't enough to feel, but was enough to hang up the phone.

The solution was to put the chair in the skip

Techie ran up $40,000 bill trying to download a driver

Groupwise

Not me but a user in the company I worked for.

Groupwise while an ok email and calendar, had a flaw. Async upload and download, with queues that wouldn't clear without manual intervention, so if you had a download and it failed there was a reasonable chance that it wouldn't just reconnect, but would want to create / upload & download everything again.

Of course this was before widespread internet gateways so the user would have to dial into the office to connect to the Groupwise gateway.

So this user had someone email him some ISOs

That he then tried to download several times

From his HOTEL phone in (I believe) South America, while dialling the US Gateway

And it kept on failing (I wonder why) so he kept on trying, each time the requested download getting larger and larger. I can't remember the outcome, but the fact we all heard about it meant it must have been a significant cost.

On a slightly different note, we had a phone number that got forwarded to a SatPhone for the PMs to contact the Rigs from home / normal mobile (even that was expensive back then).

there was suddenly a huge spike in costs. It turns some Ned had a hacked sky box that was calling a random local number (ours)

Help desk boss fell for ‘Internet Cleaning Day’ prank - then swore he got the joke

cold wire

A user once contacted the wrong helpdesk, they emailed the UK helpdesk instead of the US helpdesk regarding a login problem.

It was a slow day so I amused myself.

Seeing he was in the Houston Office (I assumed it would be warm) I let him know that the issue was with the AC being turned up too high and that the cold restricted the copper wire reducing the ability of the packets to flow.

In order to resolve the problem he should go under the desk and "warm" the network cables. Or Alternatively contact the correct helpdesk who would be able to help him.

I got a nice email back saying that he enjoyed the joke and it cheered him up ..

I also had another user (one of mine this time) that was based in Angola. whenever he had a problem he would be "Oh great IT Wizard I beseech thee to help me...."

I would respond with things like ..

" to resolve the issue the SYSGODS must be appeased... !!!.. Thou MUST purchase 3 slabs of beer to be sacrificed in the name of the SYSGODS. Only once the beer has been consumed in their name will the deign to attempt to resolve your pitiful requests..."

After visiting there a few times I know how dull it could be so anything to make it more fun.

It went on for pages I really wish I'd kept a copy....

Techie fooled a panicked daemon and manipulated time itself to get servers in sync

Lotus Notes

I had one as a contractor where people were intermittently unable to retrieve their mail.

As I recall the clients were attached to a Novell Network, and the notes was on a different server (neither my responsibility) managed by different teams, and so the time had drifted between them.

Once I let them know the Novell server was adjusted to be more correct and mail started working again..

I don't know if they actually got NTP or anything like that working on it .. like I say not my job at that place

Techie fixed a ‘brown monitor’ by closing a door for a doctor

Wrong monitor

I still (almost 30 years now) remember the argument I had with a customer about sending the "Wrong monitor"

I made sure it was the correct size, the large 15" rather than the 14", yes 15" but the cable was wrong.

Was it the right colour? yes blue lead to blue connector (a genius idea I'd happily buy the guy that thought of colour coding the cables a beer)

Is it the right way round? (I've delt with the public before)

Are any of the pins bent? No all the pins are straight

AHA! I've had this before. (for the youngsters here) not all the pins on a VGA cable are required, so some manufacturers leave them out and it makes the monitor cable look different to the socket.

No it's the wrong size.. I've held it next to the socket and it won't fit.

Have you tried it?

No because it won't fit

Repeat

Please try it, it will fit

No it won't fit..

Until tech-response = "Just Bloody try it!"

Wait for long pause

I've been a bit silly haven't I

Customer is always right training kicks in... Yes sir you have

Hang up

BOFH: The Prints of Darkness pays a visit

I Really hate printers

I think that BOFH just has a mild dislike to printers compared to my dislike of them.

Having to go to peoples houses to fix home printers not working by turning them upside down and giving them a massive shake to clear out all the paperclips, drawing pins, bits of biscuits etc out of the feed tray, to having to remove the massive plan printer from a station because the later found out it was too cold for it so kept stopped working.

Along the way I've had MFDs that couldn't do NTP and the boss was too cheap to replace them. I've negotiated a replacement printer that was faster, cheaper with a smaller footprint that was rejected because although the new one was correctly calibrated it didn't match the blue of the old one (which wasn't calibrated).

Been unable to remove the very expensive wax from a Xerox printer, and done a guerrilla night time run to remove an old printer from an office by the application of black insulation tape across the laser that managed to take out one complete row of a spreadsheet.

I've got a printer next to me that requires a connection to halfway around the world which means it regularly fails to print..

Now you have got my blood to boil thinking about printers and it's going to be hours before I can get a beer ...

Why wait to build a datacenter when you can just unpack one?

Data center in a shipping container? So last century

I used to work for a company that had a branch office with it's datacenter (server room) in a shipping container.

Whenever there was a hurricane warning, they would shutdown, disconnect the power and networks, load it onto a truck and move it somewhere safer.

Yes it cause disruption but was still cheaper than having to refit out all the servers and networking a couple of times a year.

Microsoft adds another Copilot hotkey – this time for AI voice chat

Required hardware ... Microphone

I wonder how long it will be before the required hardware to install windows will include a Microphone.

"We want to be sure we can listen out for your requests for help at all times"

SpaceX loses a Falcon 9 booster and scrubs a Starship

Ark ship B

He needs to make it bigger and better, so he can load up all his cronies and take off before Earth is eaten by a mutant star goat...

HP ditches 15-minute wait time policy due to 'feedback'

it wos The Reg "wot won it,"

it wos The Reg "wot won it,", indeed.. have a ---->

Mail-out madness as insurer offers refunds to customers in error

I received that email, although I had declined to renew as they were more expensive than an equivalent provider.

So in my mind it went something like ... I did move my car insurance didn't I..

A quick search of my emails said yes, yes I did, but just to make sure I logged on to said insurance provider to make sure.

Where to my horror it only showed an insurance policy from a few years ago... cue arse twitching panic!

I called the number and after wading through numerous options to try and find a relevant person ( No I wasn't thinking of leaving, No I haven't had an accident and so on) I managed to get through to a helpful chap who confirmed I did have a policy and he sent me a password reset which seemed to reset the account and I could then see my current policy.

Beer because I needed one after thinking I may have been driving round without insurance (after I returned home not while driving of course!)

No, I can't help – you called the wrong helpdesk, in the wrong place, for the wrong platform

Network issues

I had one a while ago, where someone emailed the UK helpdesk (me) instead of the the US one.

He was having issues with the network point.

I wrote a long email regarding the temperature of the office may be too low due to the AC being turned up too high which caused the copped to contact and restrict the network traffic.

I suggested that he should carefully warm the cable under his desk with his hands, or he could contact the US help desk.

I got a nice email back saying he loved the joke and would contact the US helpdesk

Tech support world record? 8.5 seconds from seeing to fixing

Doh..

The fastest I've done was for a software developer who couldn't get the camera on his laptop to work.

He had spent ages updating drivers, firmware, debugging etc...

I walked over and opened the camera cover.

Chinese boffins build soft robot finger that can take your pulse

Re: Hacked healthcare

that won't cover the viruses I was thinking of...

just think if they ran Kaspersky on it...

Hacked healthcare

The last thing I want is a digit with unknown max strength inserted into me.

Making sure that it's not compromised with viruses could be a real PITA.

HPE's updated Spaceborne Computer-2 ready to hitch another ride to the ISS

Service options...

And to think I used to moan about being sent to John O Groats....

Enterprising techie took the bumpy road to replacing vintage hardware

Bizarre printer failure

We did have one person who didn't want to loose his personal Laser jet printer despite being told that the orders had come from on high.

If he was a better user we might have been slower to respond...

We did a guerrilla run into his office at night. used a strip of black insulation tape over the laser unit /fuser (I can't remember which).

He came down the next day with a printout with one column missing. We took the printer away for "repairs" and was never seen again

Cat accused of wiping US Veteran Affairs server info after jumping on keyboard

When they said to cat the file... I don't think that's what they meant

How is this problem mine, techie asked, while cleaning underground computer

Nasty IT places

Well I have been to several nasty places to support IT things.

I supported a pair of Netware 4.11 severs in Portharcourt, Nigera, which while the place was ok, it had the dirtiest power ...

For physical dirt it would be a toss up between some peoples houses as a service engineer, and a server in a diesel train depot in Scotland.

Hhmmm all those lovely oily particulates all over the outside and inside of the case.....

Airbus takes its long, thin, plane on a ten-day test campaign

Re: in a 3-3 economy class configuration.

I had to travel Angola Air for a previous job.. an aging 747, and as you can imagine not very busy.

The in flight magazine was very self impressed that it had finally managed to pass a financial audit from many years previous.

I dread to think about the engineering records...

Anyway as it wasn't busy as soon as the doors were closed I noticed the middle row near me was empty, and thought "MINE!"

as soon as the seatbelt sign was off, I moved over, put all the armrests up, got all the cushions and blankets, lay down with the seatbelt around the outside.

I asked the very nice lady cabin crew politely for a large whisky, which she graciously supplied (several times). I fell asleep fully stretched out across all the centre seats.

Woke up just before landing.. one of the best flights I've ever had..

Attackers accessed UK military data through high-security fencing firm's Windows 7 rig

From the other side

Right,

before I start and get flamed, their setup was just wrong and it should not have had access to external internet, been fire walled etc, I think we can all agree on that...

But.... having had to deal with some lab analysis machines that you were not allowed to put any form of windows update on, will never have their software upgraded / patched, and is generally not written by software people but by (probably Chemistry / Biology) students who worked at the place developing the thing a decade ago I do have some sympathy (not a lot see above)

I can't imagine that any process control software for the specific machine that does a thing will be any different. With weird hardware that won't / can't run on anything but the exact equipment that is now no longer available, and the the replacement (equally as bad but enough breaking changes that nothing done previously would work) is probably in the 10s or 100s of pounds.

Oh and they might just want to verify the licence information on their servers before it starts to work.

Don't get me started on BMS etc....

The installation was probably done not by the IT guy but an Engineering tech who has nothing to do with IT and wouldn't know a packet other than his packet of fags (cigarettes for our American cousins)..he would have just plugged the yellow cable into the network port as the instructions said and left it at that.

So yes is should have been done better but so should all the control software for all the little bits that people don't think about. Not every computer is in a nice clean office doing Word Documents or spreadsheets.

Is there anything tape can’t fix? This techie used it to defeat the Sun

I need my local printer

When I was a lowly PFY, we were told that we were going to have to go to network printers around the office.

Most people didn't have a problem with that and just went with it.

One old guy HAD to have his local printer for printing his spreadsheets (no Idea whey he kept printing the damn things out).

The IT Manager said get rid of it..

The use said No

Stalemate...

Cue one evening working late when his office was unoccupied..

a bit of black insulating tape over the laser of the printer and retreat.

It could not have been placed better! It took one perfect column out of his spreadsheet.

He called up to have it fixed, so we had to take it away to be "Fixed"

He never saw it again.

User was told three times 'Do Not Reboot This PC' – then unplugged it anyway

Remove, Throw, Call

I was involved in a PC roll out.

This would involve changing the login screen which can be a bit confusing, so we did what any reasonable IT person would do...

Thought they were all idiots so we made it as easy as possible for them.

We emailed documents with instructions for the new login prior the the weekend roll out, we chatted with people where possible to informally let them know what was happening and what they needed to do.

We even printed out (with screenshots) a simple guide and placed it neatly on everyone's keyboard so it was impossible to miss. I think it even had something like "READ THIS FIRST " on it.

I guess about 50% of the people removed the annoying bit of paper covering the keyboard and threw it away.

They then saw the screen was different, panicked and called the helpdesk to ask what to do....

And these were allegedly intelligent people with degrees and stuff ( I don't want to say what in y'honour because of reasons)

Lockheed Martin demos 50kW anti-aircraft frickin' laser beam

Frikkin Lasers

If someone doesn't develop an armoured vehicle called "Shark" so we can have a shark with frikkin lasers I'll be very disappointed

NASA overspent $15m on Oracle software because it was afraid an audit could cost more

Learn guys...

Reminds me of of Good Omens..

“Along with the standard computer warranty agreement which said that if the machine 1) didn't work, 2) didn't do what the expensive advertisements said, 3) electrocuted the immediate neighborhood, 4) and in fact failed entirely to be inside the expensive box when you opened it, this was expressly, absolutely, implicitly and in no event the fault or responsibility of the manufacturer, that the purchaser should consider himself lucky to be allowed to give his money to the manufacturer, and that any attempt to treat what had just been paid for as the purchaser's own property would result in the attentions of serious men with menacing briefcases and very thin watches"

Voice assistants failed because they serve their makers more than they help users

The real reason why voice activated is rubbish

I can so believe this:-

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwPtcqcqz00

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzSzkAuKPe0

and never forgetting

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HbDnxzrbxn4

NASA's Artemis mission finally launches after faulty Ethernet switch delayed countdown

Launce from orbit

Ok it took off, but did it launch a Paris mission??

Oh back when the El Reg was young and exciting....

Martian microbes could survive up to 280 million years buried underground

beat me to it :)

but still they come!!

(maybe)

Do Do Doooo Do Do Doooo

Wheee ooooww

Using the datacenter as a dining room destroyed the platters that matter

Remotesite

I went to a remote site in Jo'burg. you know the one with just a rack for patching flat networking and possibly a server in the rack.

I found that the cleaner thought that the bottom of the rack was ideal for storing the mop and bucket in.

I was there to relocate the "server room" and the local contractor thought it was better to have the servers and stuff at the top and the patch panels at the bottom not thinking about things like .. stability ...

Boeing's Starliner CST-100 on its way to the ISS 2 years late

Re: Just the two failures then..

I did say in the recent past, I'm hoping that the engineering & safety would have improved since the 60s

Just the two failures then..

I'm curious as to how many other manned flights (in the recent past) had thruster failures?

I'm guessing none or they would have been reported more widely.

Given this is meant to be a demo flight for how everything is wonderful after the last time, I don't see having a single thruster failure can be marked as a successful launch.

Yes they can manage without those two thrusters but what about next time? 3? 4 failed thrusters?

They must do better for a manned launch vehicle.

BOFH: Pass the sugar, Asmodeus, and let the meeting of the Fellowship of Bastards … commence

Icon denotes after effects

"And here is a mood lamp. This lamp will change colour to denote the secondary user's mood to the primary user."

I could have done with that about 30 years ago. The lady who ran kebab van we used to go to for lunch would take out her frustrations with her husband on the chilli sauce.

The conversations went something like :-

"Hi, one large Donner please... How's your day going??"

"Sure, Fine. Chilli sauce?"

"Yes please! load it up!"

and

"Hi, one large Donner please... How's your day going??"

"Sure, Oh that lazy Ba...[mutters]. Chilli sauce?"

"Just a touch today please."

The Register recreates Apollo 15 through the medium of plastic bricks, 50 years on

Awesome... now link to the plans

Brilliant build, but why no link to the plans?

I want to be sure I'll build the right one .

Linus Torvalds tells kernel list poster to 'SHUT THE HELL UP' for saying COVID-19 vaccines create 'new humanoid race'

Re: A new human race indeed

Bugger...

I'll need to keep out of the server room or I'll mess up the spinny things with my super magnetic powers...

How many remote controls do you really need? Answer: about a bowl-ful

Give me buttons ON THE TV!

It wouldn't be so bad it you could actually do something like walk up to the TV, press a simple on off button, press a channel (or AV selector) and possibly even a volume control... without having to have the contortionist skills of a snake and the ability to sense which button is which of a super hero stopping an explosive with the time at 1 second to Kaboom!

but no.. any buttons that may exist must be so minute that you need a sodding microscope to see them, and text to indicate what they are for... don't be ridiculous, there's no pint in that because they will be so far around the back that any attempt to see them will involve removing said TV and turning it to the wall.

And if you do turn it off and then back on again.. it will then reset not to the source you had previously but whichever sodding device it happened to see first.

Back in the day there was proper voice controlled TV....

"OY you {child closest to TV} turn the sound up" or "OY you {child closest to TV} turn it to BBC1"..

( I was that child)..

Today I shall explain how dual monitors work using the medium of interpretive dance

Examples...

I used to use a similar analogy for people who got confused between Memory and Hard drive space.

Usually after been asked by the Big Boss (my wife) to look at a friends PC that they bought cheap from PC world or something, I would suggest that it could probably do with some more memory to make it run a bit quicker. I would usually get the but it has 500Gb of memory...

So imagine you have a desk, and some filing cabinets

Your memory (ram) is your desk and your filing cabinets are your storage (disk)

some of the space on desk is used by your computer and screen and stuff so you don't have all the desk free

You pull documents out of your filing cabinets and onto the desk to use.

If there is no space on the desk you need to put the documents you are not using back into a filing cabinet.

The bigger your desk the more documents you can have on it at the same time.

You can have a huge filing cabinet but if you have a small desk putting all the things back and pulling them out again will take up time.

I find this is a useful explanation for non technical people like parents, friends and office managers, and is useful for them to buy the ram they need and stop bothering me

The future is now, old man: Let the young guns show how to properly cock things up

F - up by experts

In the dim and distance past, I was working for a company that had an "office" (Jolly pad) in London. and because this was an office it needed to be connected to the Centrex phone system.

As a PFY at the time I was sent down to make sure it worked, with senior management not being trusted with such things. I was assured that it was all installed, I just needed to make a couple of test calls, job done. My plan was then to change my ticket back to Aberdeen to the weekend, find a cheap hotel and see the sights of London.

I get there, the fibre is not installed the MUX is not installed and the patching is not finished... Several calls to my Manager and heads started to roll and I was to remain on site until the work had been finished.

A couple of days later the hardware was installed and all was ready and "working".

It was fine if you just used one phone, but would hang up calls if you tried such ridiculous things as making/ receiving another call on another handset.

Another couples of days working though it and lots of angry calls from me to Cable and wireless as each of their fixes failed to fix the problem.

Finally sorted about 2 hours before the CEO who definitely wouldn't want to see a PFY in his "office" arrived.

Returned back to a pat on the back and very loose interpretation of what was acceptable expenses.

UK's National Cyber Security Centre recommends password generation idea suggested by El Reg commenter

I suggested that in 2017

https://forums.theregister.com/forum/all/2017/09/20/researchers_train_ai_bots_to_crack_passwords/#c_3294311

The beer is what you owe me :)

We know it's hard to get your kicks at work – just do it away from a wall switch powering anything important

Re: My favourite one....

Oh the number of times when I did support for secretaries that had a problem with their keyboard...

Me : "There is something on your keyboard"

Secretary: "No there isn't"

Me: "Yes there is.."

(repeat above several times)

S: "Oh there is a folder touching my keyboard"

Me: "can you move it? fixed? great thanks"

'We're storing how this material should behave': Boffins' 3cm 'm-bit' cubes demonstrate programmable wunderstuff

Re: Skynet by the backdoor

If we built them into roads they could monitor traffic flows, detect wear usage.

Then if hackers got in they'd be... floppy drives...

BOFH: Are you a druid? Legally, you have to tell me if you're a druid

Re: Am I a Druid?

Lyre!!

The Novell NetWare box keeps rebooting over and over again yet no one has touched it? We're going on a stakeout

Of chairs and telephones

Our Phone system was declared non Y2K compliant so we needed a newer one.

The powers that be decided on a Centrix phone system. the biggest POS I have ever used, with the worst sales engineer / project manager it has ever been my misfortune to meet.

Anyway there was an issue with a phone hanging up mid call.

This went on for many months with phones, cables being swapped.

After all that it turned out to be the chair.

Apparently the phones were very susceptible to static discharge (tested in a false teeth factory I was told) and whenever someone stood up / sat down on the chair it created a static charge and killed the call.

One chair meet skip later all was solved.

Max Schrems is back... and he's challenging Apple's 'secret iPhone advertising tracking cookies' in Europe

Legitimate Interest - just Foxtrot Oscar

After regularly going through the opt out of advertising that now seems to appear on every sodding page, only to find out that you can opt in all, but need to de select each one separately, they have now come up with "Legitimate Interest".

Look I've already told you to piss right off that means your DON'T HAVE ANY legitimate interest to me or my data. I don't care what you think you want, that appears on a quick read through to be almost exactly what you would have got if I'd opted in for your crap.

Can we not just enforce an API that you can set on your browser to choose at a browser level if you want to opt in, if you want to opt in for a specific company and the data you're willing to share.

Then No means No. and you can't have any sneaky tricks like making it hard to object to the legitimate interest by killing the pop up box after you've opted out of the targeted, but without being able to see if the legitimate interest has opted out too.

SNAFU: Clairvoyant train brings warning of what was coming down the line for 2020

Re: My Money is on

Not the new Cadbury ones, they aren't the same anymore.

I like the nice proper chocolate ones these days.

What do you mean "Not those kind of Easter Eggs"?

I want my chocolate!!!