* Posts by Luke

34 publicly visible posts • joined 16 May 2007

'World's Worst Banker' joins Lads from Lagos

Paris Hilton

@ lol

"... only to open there eyes one day to find they're holding a donkeys dick and a bucket full of spunk. Then they got carted off for making extreme porn."

That's possibly the best thing I've read all day (and by a strange coincidence, almost exactly what happened at a friend's stag party)

Paris, because... well, see above

Wheels come off Paris Hilton movie vehicle

Paris Hilton

Plot keywords

Here's a list of the plot keywords from IMDb:

* Unemployed

* Tooth Decay

* Retardation

* Fungus

* Friendship

* Male Female Relationship

* Los Angeles California

* Beauty

* Blister

* Friend

* Beach Bum

* Albino

* Schoolmate

* Ugliness

* Stalker

* Event Organizer

* Yoga

Fungus, yoga, and tooth decay - what a night out!


Mines, the Albino stalker coat at the back

Amazon buys into Lovefilm

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Oh for sh*tt*ng in a bucket

I've moved DVD by post providers twice already to get away from LoveFilm, but they just keep buying them up and getting rid of any of the good customer service and good features! Arrgh!

Banksy artwork tops £200k on eBay

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Right on, brother!

BBC's iPlayer launches Christmas Day



I like the idea of the iPlayer but they don't have half of the programmes I might actually want to watch (e.g. Spooks - missed last night's episode because Sky+ box died and it's not on iPlayer - who's stupid idea was that??)

How about Match of the Day? Lead Baloon? Being half-arsed with the content isn't going to endear anyone to the service...

Campaign to name US street after Douglas Adams


RE: Zaphod Beeble Bear

You can still get these in a range of colours at ZZ9 Pural Alpha


Wannabe US bank robber fails intelligibility test

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You officially win my "Spit my tea over my computer due to laughter" award.

The prize is: you owe me a new keyboard

'I'll be back' is most-quoted movie line



One of my faves (from Airplane) is:

"Surely sir, you can't be serious!"

"I am serious, and don't call me Shirley"

Official: P2P music not harming Canada



Gosh, what a fucking surprise

Stick that up your Recording Ass of America

Satanic car key traps 12 motorists in car park of horror

Black Helicopters


Surely this should be a ROTM article... we are in your cars, locking your doors, all your car are belong to us!

Jordan mulls mamtastic epitaph


How about..

.. "Mind the Gap"

.. "Your flotation device is located under this headstone"

.. "Why is it so dark in here?"

.. "Silicon Valley"

Illegal minicab? That'll do nicely

Cops coax half-naked Czech wolfman from Cardiff tree

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Time for a "Best Reg headline, ever" reader poll? Methinks so....

Pennsylvania woman in legal doo-doo for lav profanities



You're a cab


Can we share? Not going south of the river this time of night though

Want a free iPod Shuffle? Ask Tesco



Thanks for the heads up, signed up.

Discovery of musician on YouTube triggers loss of faith in American Dream and interests



[Is the difference really that big?

Marié Digby is pretending to be 'herself', singing other peoples songs.

Milli Vanilli was someone else, pretending to sing their own songs.

It's called deception, every which way you look at it.]

Well I think it is...

One is deception about status (signed/unsigned amateur/professional) which is bad, but exposing how the same person doing the same thing is viewed completely differently if they are "amateur" than if they were "professional"

The other deception is bigger - not just lying about the status of the actual artists, but also lying about who the artists are.

Both are annoying - people don't mind being lied to, as long as they don't feel they have been made to look stupid in believing the lie..

Either way, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahmbulance still applies here..


Thanks Iwan Davies

Well that was an interesting 3 minutes... "I dream in triangles" brilliant.

Anyway... I think this might be of help to the YouTubers: http://media.urbandictionary.com/image/large/waaaambulance-23284.jpg

I always thought that music was for entertainment and enjoyment. There is a big difference between Milli Vanilli where they didn't actually sing on their record, to someone with genuine talent who happens to be expoliting [puke] "new media" [/puke] to get noticed and sell records.

If you like the msuic then buy it, if you don't, don't. Sorry but I don't find myself thinking.. oooh I like this song, but the singer is ugly so I won't listen to it anymore.

Most large record companies are a bunch of backstabbing, screwball knob ends - however, the artists are just trying to make a living in an industry filled with twats and I'll still buy the music, even if I don't like the record company.

Except of course if they insist on DRM or some such crap, then I'll happily get my music DRM-free through other channels...

Fancy an invisible dog that dances on stilts?


"i have blowed money on dumber shit"

The feedback comments are great, definately worth a read...

my favourites so far:

Buyer feedback: "invisible???????what????"

Seller reply: "Don't be afraid, this can't harm you in any way. Don't let fear stop you!"

and: "i have blowed money on dumber shit"

Brilliant. I think I will use that in my next marketing campaign...

"Buy Elastopants – because you've blown money on dumber shit!"


and another...

Seller reply: "This is NOT Harry Potter & cloak of invisibility or witchcraft spells: ASK FIRST"

SanDisk guns for iPod Nano with slim video viewer



Ow, my foot!" - Mr Sandisk UK as everyone goes off to get a iPod Nano

Why do these idiots presist with 1:1 pricing? It's all made in China (distribution, marketing costs etc - yes I know but 1:1? Seriously?

Looks like a really nice device, buy 200 squids is just too much for 16 Gb...

Archos 605 Wi-Fi personal media player



Weel, now I am very tempted to get one of these... was looking at the new Creative Zen, but this looks excellent.

However, because of the "rip-off britain" factor, I will wait until someone from our New York office is coming back to the UK and get them to bring it - for about equiv of about £260 you can get the 160Gb version with DVR dock and all plugins... much better deal!

The UK office: hotbed of net smut addiction


Where's the... oh wait

Never mind, there is actually an IT angle.

Umm, where's the Paris Hilton angle?

Irish firm seeks Trainee Assistant Banana Ripener



And there I was thinking that ethylene was used to ripen fruit... Now I know it's an irishman with a spreadsheet. I feel much better.

I wonder if the speed of a banana ripening is greater than the velocity of a sheep in a vaccum?

Streaking star leaves sweeping tail in its wake



I imagine the speed of a sheep in space would be very little since it would have died due to a lack of oxygen...

Unless of course the sheep had a space helmet (and some grass) - then presumably it would be able to propel itself using flatulence. Any offerings as to the speed of ass-gas?

Drunken German joyrider totals 300 chickens



...most fowl.

ich erhalte meinen Mantel

'Portable' CD player puts MP3 into a spin


Re: Rubbish

"..CD spinning at around 500rpm (centre) to 200rpm (edge).."

Interesting ideas about the laws of physics there Jimmy-boy... so the centre of the disc (which is fairly solid and not actually much like a fluid at all) spins round 2.5 times for every revolution the edge of the CD performs? Wrong is soo many ways..

perhaps you are thinking of angular velocity, in which case the edge moves *faster* than the centre as it has does the *same* number of revolutions, but has further to travel, hence it has a *higher* angular velocity

Unless, of cource, the concept DMP has some sort of space/time warping effect, in which case better call Kylie - I mean the Doctor

Thai police strapped with Hello Kitty armbands


@First Comment

Is the the first official "Where's the Paris Hilton angle?" post?

It's the end of the world!! Isn't it grand

Dancing Ballmer subjected to Zune dance therapy


@Win 98 BSOD presentation


I love the crowd applause, classic

Oracle sends bloke cardboard laptop


Re: Is it just me

>And I second Hein Kruger's request: "could amanfromMars please send me >some of whatever he's been smoking?" Please email me at Tony@privacy.com

amanfromMars be notorious round these 'ere parts of posting spam poetry (spoetry or, as I like to call it, crap) that may or may not be vaguely related to the sotry, spurring musings whether he/she is a spambot or a person hoping to gain notoriety by posing as a spambot.. etc. etc.

Do you smell a conspiracy? Or is that just my feet?

Dell trips over printer cable


RE: Printer Cables

All my Canon gear came with all the required cables (+ non-essential cables), so did my monitor, etc etc.

One day I was speccing a Dell laptop that came with a free printer (except of course it stated the printer cable wasn't included and added the option of purchasing one for £14) - at that point I gave up and bought an Acer which has worked perfectly for 4 years.

Police hunt renegade cow sex youth


Fantastic Lester

Yet again, another brilliant Lester moment - really made me laff this dull friday morning!

Thanks Mr Haines!

Paris Hilton says jail term has changed her


No IT angle...

...and yet, Paris stories get the most comments - if you really don't want to read about her DON'T CLICK THE LINK, YOU UTTER TONSILS, AND DON'T, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, FEEL OBLIGATED TO COMMENT. REPEATEDLY.

Paris stories are as much a part of the Reg as Punctuated! Yahoo! headlines! and Captain Cyborg stories so get over it. On top of colours for satire, we should perhaps have another colour (pink, say) so that the humour-challenged would know to avoid such stories. However, saying that, these sort of people would go "ooooh, pink, pretty..." and click anyway...

Fancy an earful? Click here for tech support


At least...

Dispite all the awful grammar and spelling, and the fantastic attitude displayed by our dear Rufus, at least he bothered to read the original email, which is no mean feat judging by some of the customer "service" that I have been subjected to of late.

He even took the trouble of writing out a reply, and did not just use a automatic template email based on a few key words picked out by CrapService (tm) for Outlook 2007 – (although looking at Rufus' replies, perhaps this is why many companies use template emails....)

In one such case I emailed a company to inform them that the My Account page on their website kept looping back to their homepage and so could they fix this and also change my order while they were at it. The email I got back basically told me that if I wanted to change my order, I would need to go to the My Account page.... each subsequent email I sent was met with a similar keyword-based template email that completely missed the point. Some of these companies would be *lucky* to have Rufus on their service desk....

2012 Olympics logo debuts to whalesong



"modern and will be dynamic, evolving in the years between now and 2012"

It may well be evolving, because it sure as hell wasn't Intelligent Design.....

Yes! It's the jellybean USB Flash drive


Out in a flash....

I'm sure there was a 'download' joke to be had in that last sentence.... a curry and 2 Gb certainly would be quite a large download

(in process of getting coat)