* Posts by diver_dave

73 posts • joined 2 Sep 2009


'I'm telling you, I haven't got an iPad!' – Sent from my iPad


Re: Which is why I always turn off email sigs...


Learn something new every day!


Re: Yeah. Been there..

Oh I wish. I wish...


Re: Yeah. Been there..


The Nortel 3820 was the fixed line equivalent of the Nokia 3310.

I once dropped an unboxed one down the center of the stairwell. 3 floors...

Only damage was a few scratches.

You have to really try to kill one.


Yeah. Been there..

Telecoms again.

Called by one of our more technologically challenged users.

Phone turret not working. One of the almost indistructable 3820's.

Get down to client [1] Ask usual questions.

Client had of course done nothing that may cause the issues. However, turret is total Dodo.

Pick it up... And.... Get a cup of cold coffee down my shirt.

Fairly simple diagnosis from that point.a few choice words were exchanged. Well actually the conversation was one sided.

She did offer to get my nice CT shirt dry cleaned.

Roll on pint time....

Have a good weekend all...


[1] Same client who took recabling every desk to the board as it was obviously cr*p because pushing her bag right under her desk was pulling extension leads apart regularly.

Gaffa tape fix.

What evil lurks within the data centre, and why is it DDoS-ing the ever-loving pants off us?


Re: That said

IIRC Jones Cable /VM disconnected an office block in centre London.

By basically driving a JCB through the incomer shed.


Re: That said


Strange as this was behaviour that technically shouldn't have been possible.

I've always sworn the damb thing was Maliciously sentient!


That said

I've been headscratching with an old Meridian switch before.

Getting multiple capacity drop outs that gave every indication of a card fault. Very very intermittent...

So after hours myself and Big Dave from BT have the panels off and start testing. Nothing. Anywhere.

Fault keeps reoccurring on and off.

Eventual diagnosis and all round circular arse kicking.

We had two sites. North and South.

One team split across the two sites. North forwarding phones to South hunt group. And.. Yep Vice versa.

Telephony equivalent of the old mail out of office auto response.

Nightmare to chase down. Only found it after some very careful traffic analysis.

Pint o'clock.


Snapchat domain squatter loses comedy £1m URL sellback attempt


I seem to remember a BOFH where this was the PHB's idea.

Unsurprisingly a merry jape followed.

Where's the best place to add Mentos to Diet Coke for the most foam? How big are the individual bubbles? Has science gone too far?


To protect...

The victim of his own (suggest suitable word here)

A colleague of mine once tried dissolving solpadine in diet coke.

This resulted in much swearing, soaked laptops and three of us announcing we were going for lunch and would, maybe, be back later depending on how long it took him to clean up.

Effervescent tablets plus coke = wooshh

NASA mulls restoring Saturn V to service as SLS delays and costs mount


Re: I've read that story

Orphanage by Robert Buettner.

Fun series.

Adapting 767 fuselages as dropships.

Take DOS, stir in some Netware, add a bit of Windows and... it's ALIIIIVE!


That said

Anyone know how to get Day of the Tentacle running in W10???



64k for a flight sim

Zx81 did it in 1k


BOFH: Judge us not by the size of our database, but the size of our augmented reality


Happy Friday

I regret I only have one beer to pay down for the author!

Traffic lights worldwide set to change after Swedish engineer saw red over getting a ticket


Re: Show this to the Mexican police

Woebetide you being on the Tulum to Cancun road on a Saturday morning.

The amount of hire cars pulled on their way to the airport is astounding.

Of course. Quick donation required to a trapped motorist rushing to catch a flight.

When the satellite network has literally gone glacial, it's vital you snow your enemy


Re: Battleship!

Not if a candle charge goes in after the pigstick.


Right-click opens up terrifying vistas of reality and Windows 95 user's frightful position therein



Once was asked to double check some figures as 18 out of 24 didn't "feel" like 75% to the user.

Too early for pint o'clock?

From pen-test to penitentiary: Infosec duo cuffed after physically breaking into courthouse during IT security assessment


Re: I can't help thinking

Where are Woodward and Bernstein when you need them?

Operation Desert Sh!tstorm: Routine test shoots down military's top-secret internets



You are so much closer than you think!



The day it started I was first in at 7. By the time anyone from the DR team was in I had already arranged the Linklines to be pointed at another office. That a communication went out internally and recorded a temp message for the top level IVR to explain to customers any delays. I'd also arranged a single temp line by virtue of dropping a cable out of the window to Otis who had the floor below and were on a dedicated C&W system. No idea why they were still running as I thought they used the BT backbone. System D in action.

Fortunately we were running a beta of Sametime so had some additional real time comms

Head of DR rolled in at 9:30. I paged them at 7:10.

My colleague and I came out of it quite well despite steamrollering the DR process. DR did not exactly cover themselves with glory that week.



During the Manchester BT fire one of my colleagues gatecrashed a DR recovery meeting to TRY and point out that just because our Stockport office could call it's own lines didn't necessarily mean that the whole system was back up. Mentioning that if the whole system was available we should be able to call BETWEEN offices.

He was reprimanded for being negative.

Ah., Joy...

Pints all

Good weekend.


Having bank problems? I feel bad for you son: I've got 25 million problems, but a bulk upload ain't one


Re: A fine wunch


Mention BNC...

Ruin my Monday..

Back to therapy!


Re: 10 minutes, not a second more...


A friend of mine working on a large development in central London had a rather interesting experience.

He actually padlocked the cabinet closed and placarded after isolating the 3 phase supply. Went up two floors to continue installing busbars and starting termination. About 20 Min later he dropped a bar bolt. Which apparently then proceeded to short the bars with much banging, flashing and smoke.

Rather rattled (possible understatement warning) he flew back down to the plant room to find the Architect, site manager and owner had cropped the lock off so they could look at the lighting on a finished floor.

There was a subsequent "free and Frank expression of views and opinions management".

Followed by the culprits having a rather large whipround.

According to him he made more in 5 minutes than he normally made in a month as a third year apprentice.

He still talks about it 30 years later


Idle Computer Science skills are the Devil's playthings


Re: what would you have done with a student who managed to take down the mainframe?

I'll see your Black Monks and raise you a Technomage.

He he...

Could you just pop into the network room and check- hello? The Away Team. They're... gone


Not MY Daftness

Got back from dinner in Tulum after a day cave diving.

One of our party had swopped batteries on their charger just before we went out. EXCEPT.....

Instead of plugging flat battery into charger flat was connected tp freshly charged unit.

Who says you can' make a battery pack look like a 200 year old church candle. Would have been hours of work for a skilled dribbler. [*]

Smell was interesting too!


[*] I feel a TP ref appropriate.

Canadian woman fined for not holding escalator handrail finally reaches the top after 10 years


Re: Other escalator laws


Suunto settles scary scuba screwup for $50m: 'Faulty' dive computer hardware and software put explorers in peril



The whole 10 day cave syllabus is designed around accident analysis. This boils down to three main causes (omitting stupidity)

1- incorrect gas planning. Law of thirds. One third in. One third out and one third reserve.

2- failing to mark lines/visual rather than phsically linked jumps.

3- failure of light source.

Again, like flying it is another swiss cheese.

Unfortunately I was right in the middle of one in 2016 in Tulum. Having to do a body recovery after someone who should have known much better screwed up. Very unpleasant.



Gas calculations

Oddly enough.

I do that in my head constantly throughout the dive. Although I admit I cannot dive in Imperial.

I know my tidal rate is 18l per minute. So 36l at 20m.

I then double it to allow for increased workload.

My normal buddy (SWIMBO- has a much lower rate than me and normally dives a smaller tank.

Our predive planning aleays includes my gas failing amd us bailing out onto her tank. Again allowing for deco and increased consumption.

Always plan plan plan...



Dive computers aren't a replacement for a brain.


With OC cave diving I carry with manifolded twins. 2 computers and an independent SPG that gets regularly checked.

Dive plan and turn pressures are also on a arm slate so I don't fumble or them in an emergency. Additionally, I have a nice Dive Rite slate that has 2 layers so I also do a sketch map of the cave.

Interestingly. You missed the fact that over half the rebreather course is spent in emergency drills and driving the unit manually.

Still sticking with OC I think...





Watches are very rarely as waterproof as they say. There is a massive amount of fiddle room when it comes to exactly HOW water tight they are.

Computers give you essentially:


Dive time elapsed

Time until you need to make decompression stops.

If in decompression. What stops you need to make to offgas.

In my case my computer also shows, via a little wireless transmitter, the remaining contents in my tank.

Essentially.... It is telling you how to not die.

Now, I actually had a problem with a different brand.

With these computers they tend to decide your battery life is not allowed to go below 55%. After that the unit shuts down.

On a dive a few years ago I had the unit suddenly start displaying very odd content readings. 180bar suddenly dropped to 130 then 45 then back to 150 and the unit locked up. Dive aborted after 5 minutes.

I now have a seperate contents gauge as well.

However, you still need time and depth as well.

Especially in a cave in Mexico.

Safe diving all..


Montezuma's Revenge can finally be laid to rest as Uber AI researchers crack the classic game


Other challenges

How about giving it a crack at Starquake.

Very different every time. Goal objects change every game as do key locations....

I love my Speccie EMU.....


The best way to screw the competition? Do what they can't, in a fraction of the time


Non IT angle

Several years ago I was teaching for a dive school in Malta.

One of the dives, the Um El Faroud, is spectacular. However given Maltese traffic upto an hours drive.

We get there and one client has forgotten his BCD. Now I love the Faroud and this was also to be a proper push dive right into the engine room.

No problem says I... Customer Service time. Lend the customer my BCD and sit out the dive.

50 minutes later the group surface.

Customer hands me my BCD back. I ask how dive was.

"Yeah.... Noce dive but the Jackets a bit sh*t...."



Overexcitable UK ads regulator gabbles that Amazon broke EU law



Or hammers...

Nothing that can't be fixed with a bigger hammer.

Spent your week box-ticking? It can't be as bad as the folk at this firm



Sounds like a well known large telecommunications company who quoted £400+vat to add one field to a custom report they had built for Symposium [×]

Ended up scripting a merge for the two reports that would then give the required output. Sum of 2hrs work....


[×] May have given it away there!


Re: Cheaper option

See the BOFH on how document management systems REALLY work.

Brit teen pleads guilty to Minecraft-linked bomb and airline hoaxes

This post has been deleted by a moderator



got to be Lemonfield...

never trusted anyone from there :-)

Trainer regrets giving straight answer to staffer's odd question


Re: I wish I knew that 15 years ago

That's the one.

Not fueled by caffine!


Should have added

Same 'client who wanted us to re-cable every desk in the building because she

shoved her bag under so far it kept pushing the phone cable out.

I *really really* should have expected the worse.

Did I mention *really*?


Re: I wish I knew that 15 years ago

Old BT M3710 turret.

User (By phone on next desk): My turret isn't working

Me: What's it doing?

User: Display is black and it's not giving a dial tone when I select a line.

Me: Has anything happened? Has cable been knocked out? (Long shot but not unknown)

User: No nothing.

Me: Ok let me test line. (I get nothing so turret is DOA)

Me: On my way with a replacement. (Down 5 flights of stairs)

On arriving, turret is definitely dead with black LCD screen. I pick it up to change it and....

Get a sleeveful of cold coffee.

User: Ah, would that stop it working.

Of course 8AM on a Monday morning.

Probably worth noting the user was one of my more challenging customers.


ZX Spectrum reboot scandal: Directors quit, new sack effort started


Is there...............

Enough popcorn in the world for this?

Oh, and, exactly HOW much popcorn is too much?


Lawyers sued for impersonating rival firm online to steal clients


Re: Not Just Lawyers

Ah yes.....

The great undertaking....


Space, the final Trump-tier: America to beam up $8bn for Space Force



NASA already got there. No need for anything new, just ask J. Michael Straczynski...


Now this is what I think the Orange one wants:

I give you..... SpaceForce 1


Have a good weekend all....


Re: Excellent sub-head!

"Never underestimate the power of human stupidity".

Notebooks of Lazarus Long. R.A.H.

Never a truer word, never a truer word.....

Google Spectre whizz kicked out of Caesars, blocked from DEF CON over hack 'attack' tweet



Give it it's due.

It does have some good beer and curry houses.


Tech team trapped in data centre as hypoxic gas flooded in. Again


Re: Never do this

Agree completely...

However for shits and giggles the fire marshal course in Malta cannot be beaten.

You try: Dry powder, CO2, Water and Inert gas extinguishers. A fire blanket on a real oil pan fire. Then AFTER lunch..... They set a wood fire in a cargo container and get three of you to crack the door carrying a hose. Loads of fun(in a controlled situation) but shows exactly what flash over looks like.

Possible the best course I have ever been on.



Re: Buncefield

*Age Warning*

I remember Flixborough from my dim and distant youth.

The odd thing with these kind of incidents that pressure / blast wave propagation is a bit like the three body problem on steroids! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three-body_problem

Waves tend to do some very strange things as you get reinforcements and waves cancelling each other out. Some can be predicted such as directing force for demolitions, however, there is always a risk factor.

IIRC. Buncefield was very directional due to the nature of the initial blast and then the secondary's changing the blast wave following the initial FAE.

Although even with some predictability, it's still Russian Roulette. Unless of course you are in a lead lined fridge!


Look I hate to say this lads, but this thing really is going to blow up!


Ok, oo-kay.

[Massive explosion! ! !]



I was living in Watford at the time...

Felt the windows move as the Munro effect manifested itself.

That said, I have a friend who had just moved to Adeyfield (sp?) and all they heard was

a whoosh, then all the leaves were cleared from the street. No damage at all!

Very scary morning for all, Kudos to the FRS who had no idea how bad it was when they went in.


Drug cops stopped techie's upgrade to question him for hours. About everything



Oz is ok... NZ would have been better. It's further...


That's the one.

Accessed via Charter Place next to Allsports. Up onto the roof and walk round. I suppose carrying a drill with a bloody great bit in it didn't help much..

Just to show my age. I do remember Cordelles before Charter Place existed, and throwing washing up liquid in the fountain outside C&A.

Last time I was there I got lost driving from Rickmansworth to North Watford. What the ***! have they done to Rickey Rd.....


Haven't been back in years.

Gravel/concrete roofs hurt!



Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2020